AIBU to have a baby for this reason?

[Brokenhaart]

I'm 25 and been in a happy relationship for five years. We both still live at his DMs with a plan to get a house next year. My DM was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago and was told at the time it was not curable. Her latest results show new cancer growth and been told that there aren't really any options to hold it back any more and she's looking at 14 months left. The thought of getting married and my mum not ever meeting a grand child makes me so upset. Myself and DP would look to have children in two years once we have our own place and have seen more of the world, but part of me thinks do it now so I get to share some of the experience with mum. We have two homes we can live at worst comes to worst and surely we can do it if teenagers manage? We both have stable, full time jobs. AIBU to rush having a baby because of this reason? My head is scrambled at the moment with trying to accept the diagnoses but I can't imagine not sharing these moments with mum.

I agree with the pp who said to bring forward the wedding so she can be with you, those are pictures you will cherish forever.

I would also caution against TTC earlier as the end of life care is very very stressful and trying to deal with that and a new born will be really hard. Although I can understand why you would consider it.

Also this may sound incredibly selfish but caring for your mum will take so much of your energy and support that you won't be able to enjoy having a new born baby.

Is your mum crafty or creative in any way could she maybe spend some time making a baby quilt for them? This way she can still feel involved and will have something to distract her and occupy her mind over the coming months.

I'm very sorry to hear about your Mum, what a horrible situation to have to try and get your head around.

As others have said, you getting pregnant now may actually impact on the time you have left with your Mum. I would focus on her, and making sure you can create as many memories together as possible.

I think in one of your updates, you mentioned trying to stay positive, and that's fine. BUT it is OK to not be positive all the time. I say this as someone who lost a friend to cancer a few years ago. We knew it was terminal and he didn't feel like he had to put a brave face on all the time, which I know helped him. He could also admit that while he wasn't actually scared of dying, he was scared of dying on his own. So it meant we knew to make sure he had comfort and company when it came to it.

You and your Mum will find your own way through this time together. I hope you can support and find strength in each other.

I know someone who did this, they were planning to have a baby eventually, but moved it forward so her mum would be able to meet the baby, she didn't regret it.

I also came on to say that in your situation, if you were thinking of getting married I would move that forward, even if it meant you had a much simpler ceremony. Your mum would get to see you in your wedding dress and you could have your day without being aware of her loss. Just a thought though, you can also make memories just talking and spending time together.

Oh OP. ((((hugs)))) to you. This must be so difficult.

I agree with bringing the wedding forward so your mum can be there. But a baby? Why not just sit with your DM and chat about your plans for the future - what you'd call a baby boy or girl, what sort of childhood you'd like to give them (in consultation with your DP, obviously).

Then when you do have your baby, you can look back on the conversations you had with your DM, her input to them, and feel that, yes, she has had a chance to be part of your child's life, just in a different way.

I'm so so sorry OP. It's understandable why you're feeling like this, and if you do have a baby in the future you will really miss your mum if she's not there. But having a baby can put a massive massive strain on you, your relationship etc...as well as all the good things, it's hard, and stressful, and can be lonely and isolating. I'm just not sure that possibly grieving on top of that would be the best thing for you. Either one of those situations on their own is a lot to cope with. If you want to be there for your mum it is going to be harder with a newborn. I think you need to concentrate on you and your mum and make loads of lovely memories to pass on to any future children. The memory box is a lovely idea. It's such a hard decision though and I wish you all the best x

Whilst the idea is a lovely one, in reality it isn’t great. Fil was given 6 months to live (cancer) and lived for 2. He had grand plans to move mil into a more suitable house for her to live in on her own but we wouldn’t let him start the process and looking back it was the best thing we did.

You could take a few months to conceive, have a problematic pregnancy and your dm might not make it to 14 months. Terminal illness often doesn’t go as planned (your dm might make it past 14 months) and pregnancy often doesn’t go as planned.

Focus on getting through the near future with your dm and doing lovely things together to build memories. I think it would be lovely to bring your wedding forward so your mum can be part of the day, do all the ‘wedding things together. Choosing your dress, flowers, menus etc. She will then know you are settled and I know that brought fil a lot of peace at the end, that his four children were all married and settled down.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

This is still very early days and you will be in shock. It's not a good time to make such major decisions.

I've name changed because this is really identifying.

My mum died from breast cancer when I was a bit younger than you. It felt like my entire world had just caved in on me. I'm really sorry this is happening to your family.

I had almost the exact same thoughts as you in the first few days and weeks after we got the news that her cancer was terminal. The thought of her missing out on being a grandparent and me missing having her support was heartbreaking. Suddenly the whole vision of my future had been snatched away.

We thought we'd have about a year, maybe a little more, with my mum from the point of getting that news. She still seemed so fit and well at that point. So well I couldn't believe it was really happening. I started thinking like you, that if I got on with it quickly I could have a baby in time for her to meet it.

Unfortunately she deteriorated incredibly fast and died within 2 months of getting the news. Cancer is not predictable or reliable.

So whilst I understand where all these thoughts are coming from, please think carefully about how you would feel if - possibly worst case scenario - you managed to get pregnant easily but then she deteriorated and died while you were still pregnant. You wouldn't have time to heal or grieve before your baby arrived, and would have to deal with losing her whilst pregnant.

Somebody else suggested a memory box. My mum made one for me before she died. It has things from her life that she wanted me to know about her and who she was, things she'd saved from my childhood, the things she saved for when I had my own children, photos, and things that I chose and added. We went through it together before she died, and in some way it's the memory of creating it with her and what it meant to her that comforts me more than the contents.(I think the box we used for mine was a 50litre plastic one so it doesn't have to be small! You can put whatever you want in it.)

This is a horrible thing that you're going through, but maybe focus on the time you have with your mum. The chance to open your heart to her, ask the questions you had delayed, have the conversations you haven't had time for, spend time together doing normal things, think about how you keep her spirit/memory alive and take her with you into the future.

If you create a memory box together - or maybe one for you, and one for your future children - it will give you a chance to have some of those conversations that might have been too difficult on their own, but do become a bit easier when your attention is focused on the objects you're handling rather than intensely listening to one another with nothing to break the tension.

Making one for your future children would give you the chance for her to be comforted knowing she won't be forgotten and will be a part of their life in some way, and for you to ask her what she'd like them to know about her, what she'd wished she'd known before she became a parent, etc.

I don't know your mum obviously, but mine became extremely distressed about having to leave us all, not being there for the big moments in our lives, and the prospect of us forgetting her. Going through the process of creating a memory box and having the space to start those conversations about how she had influenced the person I was (and therefore was always going to be part of my life) and how I would remember her, brought comfort to her too. The conversations she'd been saving up to have with me over the next ten, twenty years of my life were all in condensed into a few weeks, but it was helpful for both of us to cope with the situation.

My mum also left me a letter behind. If I had my time again I would have asked her to also leave me behind some of the advice she would give me for my future.

I remember so intensely trying not to cry and be brave. Then one night I sat with my mum talking, and she cried and I listened and we talked. At the end she told me she hoped I was crying as well and not bottling it up for her. Later she sat with me with her arm around me and we just sat and cried together. We were both afraid and both hurting. It helped to be there for each other.

It is ok to cry about this, it is ok to cry with her. You need to let yourself grieve this news.

Some people might not understand that losing your mum so very, very young is not the same as losing an elderly parent, but you shouldn't box up your pain and grieve just because of them. It is you experiencing this, not them. You need to be able to express your feelings. Please don't feel guilty or ashamed.

Once again, I'm truly sorry for your news. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. Take care.

I'm sorry OP I think it is only to be expected that you would think of the things you hoped she'd be there for. Not trying to be negative but "having a baby" sounds so easy (like a thing to tick on a list) and it may be, but also I think women (and men) have to consider

• miscarriage, can happen to any of us
• pregnancy problems - hospitalization with vomiting/anaemia/ tiredness/ multiple other things that are not so common but can happen
• birth problems (c-section, not driving for 6 weeks, blood loss, stitches etc)
• post natal recovery - mental health, "high needs" baby, exhaustion - baby might have health problems (might be minor or serious) but having had one of my DCs with minor and my sibling with a serious health problem at birth (and for years after), 2 cousins babies needed an operation 1 year after born (all my family things were unrelated and not genetic) but you can never know whether there will be a complication (admitted you are probably low risk).

If you have plenty of support (people you can leave baby with for hours at a time at short notice) then you can probably manage above, most people adapt well and cope if needed.

I'm sorry you have had this bad news about your mum's health, but really think about how you want to spend this time. I'd strongly consider being available as much as you can instead.

As lovely as it would be for your mum to see your pregnancy and meet your baby, i actually don’t think rushing it for these reasons is sensible.
Quite honestly, even with an easy baby you would have to step back a good deal to focus on your child, when surely you’d want to spend as much time as possible with your DM. If you have a trickier pregnancy or baby you might find you see very little of your DM when she needs you the most. Baby will have to come first, and that’s an added layer of stress for both of you.

Would you perhaps consider making a memory box with her for your future DC? Maybe go out shopping together for some babygros and a special photo album you can fill with future baby pics?

So sorry to hear what you're going through OP! I went through something similar with my Dad 2 years ago and bringing our wedding forward was the best decision I've ever made! Our wedding day ended up being planned in just 4 days but you wouldn't really have known that and everyone had a fantastic day (especially my dad). Although he was very ill and sadly passed away 3 weeks later, the day felt so so happy! And I will cherish those memories and photos forever.

To echo what others have said, I would focus on the wedding and if possible include your DM in the plans, going dress shopping, choosing the flowers etc.

Thinking of you and your family

I am so sorry for your situation.

If it all worked it could be lovely to have those memories for a short time.

However, if your mum is that terminal then she is likely to be very ill at the end and looking after her and a newborn would be very hard. You would also have a newborn depending on you whilst grieving.

As horrid as it is to say, your mum may not have 14 months and she may have less. Your plan only works if you fall pregnant immediately - if you take a few months or years then your plan would not work.

I know two people who lost family members whilst heavily pregnant (one their father and one their brother) and both had concerns with the pregnancy as a result (particularly concerns that the babies had stopped moving). You could put your pregnancy at risk if your mum died during it so it is something you really need to think hard about x

I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. Ultimately, I think this is not a good idea. I was pregnant/newborn with ds3 when my DM was very, very ill. It was incredibly stressful. I was stretched in all different directions. I don’t regret DS3 at all but the timing was so hard.

It’s your decision obviously but to deliberately add another unknown to this situation could be very difficult.

Spend this time totally devoted to your mum and take your time.

I would do it too. We lost my grandmother (she was like my mum) just before my daughter was born. It was the only thing that offered any joy, and although coincidental, was good timing.

I was in a similar situation. My child was 6 months when my mother slipped in to a coma. She said she fought so hard to get out of that coma because of my child. That her grandchild was all she could think of and getting back to them, making sure they knew her and how much she loved them. She was given 2 weeks to live. That was 4 years ago and she's still here. She says it's all because of my child.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your mum. My DM has been terminally ill with cancer for 2 years, unfortunately she has deteriorated very quicky since April and is now in her final stages and I don't think she will be with us at the end of the week.

I am 26, my OH is 30. We have owned our home for 5 years. I initially went through the same thoughts as you but a baby wouldn't have fitted into our lives and i didn't want to to go through something i don't feel ready for. My mum has been deteriorating gradually for some time and to be honest she couldn't have coped with a grandchild. Myself, dad and sister are caring for her at home which is hard enough as it is without having to worry about a child.

I think you need to put yourself and your wellness first and concentrate on spending time with your DM as from my experience they deteriorate very quickly.

for you OP as it is a truly crap time.

My mum died six months before I got pregnant. My DH and I both seriously regret that we didn’t have children sooner, but we were already married, early 30s, etc. We were waiting until we could buy somewhere to live. If I could go back in time and do it years before we did, I would. It depends on whether the two of you are really ready though. You may end up dealing with bereavement while pregnant or as a new mum and that would be tough, but I can imagine that sharing scans and maybe the birth with your Mum would be an amazing thing.

In your position I would - the estimates aren’t always accurate, she may survive a couple of years or longer, you just don’t know.

Sending hugs x

It's a lovely idea OP but I really wouldn't do it. Your baby will be your main priority when the time comes and realistically, you could well end up losing out on precious time with your mum. Particularly if you have a difficult pregnancy/birth.

I would think about getting married ASAP so that your mum can br there, and make a memory box with her for your future DC, as a PP suggested.

Maybe further down the line you could name a future daughter after your mum if your DH agrees, I'm sure it would be a nice tribute.

I completely understand why you would want to do this, but knowing what I do now I wouldn't recommend it. It will make a hard situation even harder.

We leaned my DM's cancer had returned when I was 35wks pg with DD1. Stage 4 breast cancer. The doctors felt they had a treatment that was holding it, but she'd still only get a couple of years. It was very stressful dealing with a (very difficult high needs) baby and balancing time with DM, not helped that we lived 3hrs drive apart. She died when DD1 was 11mo, a year after the diagnosis. It was amazing she got to meet her and the few photos I have of them together are treasured (she made me delete a lot as she felt she looked tired/old/ill in them). But it was tough.
After she died I was in shock for a long time, but unfortunately didn't register it. I thought I was coping well. It had always been our plan to have a second child fairly close to the first, so we went ahead TTC. I fell pregnant immediately. About 6m after DM died and 2m into my pg the grief hit. It was an awful time, and the pregnancy hormones just heightened everything I think. Things got worse after DD2 was born, not helped by a very dicey birth that we were lucky to both make it out of. I was very fortunate to have a fantastic health visitor who visited weekly for quite some time and got me into counselling sessions (GP had just told me to get out and exercise a bit more) which helped, but even at over 3yrs since DM died I still feel like I'm battling through it some days.
My point is I've been pregnant and supporting a parent with cancer, caring for a baby whilst supporting a parent with cancer, pregnant and grieving, and caring for a baby whilst grieving. None of these are situations you want to find yourself in. Obviously you try to cope if you have to, but it meant I couldn't give the time I wanted to to DM in her last year, nor was I able to give as much to my DCs as I wanted to particularly after her death. I feel it has significantly hurt my relationship with DD1, less so with DD2. It has affected my relationship with DH, thankfully not unsalavagably so, but nearly a few times. All 3 'events' have been life-changing singly, but put together has made for a very rough ride.

As I said in the beginning, I totally get it but think very carefully about the implications to all of you.

So sorry to hear about your Mother, how heartbreaking. It's a tough one and only really you will know the answer... my concern would be how you would cope with grief and a newborn. It also could be more heartbreaking for your Mother as she would not get to spend much time with your child, leaving another person behind.

Just know whatever you decide she will always be with you and your future children. I lost my older Brother before I had children but I make sure he is a part of their lives, and my eldest is so similar to my Brother.

I think Mamansnet has lovely suggestions of speeding up getting married, and later naming the baby after your DM.
My DM got to see me married (during her first dose of cancer/treatment). She really struggled with lasting the day but she's clearly so happy in every picture. I'm glad we were able to give her that.
We named DD1 after both grandmothers (DMIL passed away many years ago). I love her name and telling her why she has it.

I’m really sorry about your DM, that’s very sad news. But saying something like “if teenagers can manage we can” is quite offensive. I had my dd at 15 and basically sacked off my life to raise her well and I loved every second. Yes she wasn’t planned and she was born with a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallots. Diagnosed at 2 days old and open heart surgery at 3 days old plus 6 surgeries since. She is now 15. Anyone can be a good mum, aged 15 or 50. It’s hurtful hearing people talk about teenage mums like they’re doomed to fail.

And I happily put her first. Always. That wouldn’t have been different regardless of how old I was when I had her. The circumstances surrounding her conception and birth are really very tragic but I am proud of being a teenage mum. Other posters may think I’m being petty and that’s fine, but as I said it’s sad knowing that people instantly class a teenage mum as a bad Mum.

Mum has always wanted me to go and see the world before having a baby, as she learnt from having me aged 20. I like your idea about the wedding, I've not really ever wanted a big wedding, we always planned to go to Vegas, just the two of us. DP said yesterday he would rather a baby than marriage but he's always told me he doesn't want to be married living with his mum which I do understand, but who wants to be at home with a baby? I don't want to push him into making a big choice like getting married but at the same time I would be devastated he took the chance away from me. His parents are divorced and I know it was really hard for him as he was only 6 at the time so maybe that's put him off. It is scary but I suppose it's less commitment in a way than bringing a baby into the world. I need to talk with him tonight and work out where he's at in his head. Is there a way to have a ceremony without it being legal if he's worried about doing it at such short notice?

I feel calmer having read all of your nice comments, I felt panicked but I was putting more pressure on my self when it's the last thing I need. I need to focus on DM and be there for her and not making life 10x more complicated. Maybe in two years or so when we are settled we can do it on our terms and know DM would have been happy for us.

Wellfuck

This is not about you! Quite how you have managed to make it about you and be offended is baffling.

The OP has had terrible news and is seriously upset. Don’t pick apart her post. I’m pretty sure all she meant was that for teenage parents it’s not necessarily the ideal time and they still do a good job.

If you’re going to make this about you and derail the thread then I suggest you stop posting.