What type of woman believes this behaviour is ok?

[Tinyhandprintseverywhere]

I've been having an absolute nightmare weekend with exdp, it's his weekend to have the dcs and as usual he hasn't turned up as he is more interested in spending time with his friends and new gf.

So on Friday morning I called to remind him that he needs to collect ds from his club, as I would be working and wouldn't be able to do it. As soon as he answered he was being vile so I knew from then he wouldn't be having themp, so I hung up and arranged for a friend to collect him for me.

On my way to work in the evening I called him again to ask about the maintenance he was meant to put in my account but didn't,
He told me he would drop it at his mums and I would have to collect it there.
I told him I couldn't do that which resulted in a screaming match, he was basically calling me a stupid woman and every other name under the sun, all the while this is happening I can hear his gf laughing in the background, as if it's all a big joke to her.

Anyway it ended with him saying he would collect the dcs Saturday morning which of course he didn't so I took them out instead, he's then called me @3pm wanting to collect them I told him I was out.

I then started receiving txts telling me I'm playing games, then again today he calls me ranting down the phone blaming me for the way the situation is, again with his gf in the background telling me to get off the phone, we've both exchanged some horrible messages to each other aswell today which totally drains me.

Now my question is how as a woman can you sit there and listen to someone verbally abusing the mother of his children, knowing he hasn't seen them since fathers day and laugh?
I'm sure in the very near future he will want to have the dcs around her so he can play disney dad and I feel very uncomfortable with them being around both of them.

WaggyMama I called him twice in one day the second conversation was about maintance as he had said the previous day he would put the money in my account or drop it round to me in the afternoon, he then changed his mind as he often does.
I didn't decline going to get it because I wanted to start a fight, i declined going to get it as every month he does the same thing telling me "if I'm desperate I will go anywhere he wants me to"
I neither have the time nor the patience to run around South London Because he wants me too, maintance is his only way to control me and have a hold over me.
Also if you read my pp it says that he ignores messages, so sometimes I do have to call him as I need an immediate response, but 90% of the time I text him and the reason I called him when I was on my way to work is irrelevant.

PaintedHorizons He is abusive to me yes, he has never been abusive to our dcs, if he had they wouldn't be seeing him as that is one of the only legal ways I could stop contact. Have you never had an argument with someone? I have no need for drama and I do whatever I need to do so I can be around for my dcs, I don't make plans with him and after 5 years I know not to rely on him and always have a backup plan.

If I had come on and said I'm stopping contact because I don't like exes new girlfriend because she laughed at me, I would have been ripped a new hole and told I was being bitter and there's nothing I can do about him having a relationship. As for me hoping the dcs have a horrible time with him that's just ridiculous, no matter how much we don't get along he is their father and until they reach an age where they can see that he lets them down all the time, I will not put a false image in their heads based on how I feel about, he is at the moment still their idol.

Fgs I am not blaming her!

Why didn't you mention the maintenance that morning when you 'called to remind him that he needs to collect ds from his club'?

I don't blame you for letting him get to you, and wind you you until you burst, but in future try to remain calm, factual, polite etc. Don't stoop to his level.

@waggymama At the time of the first call I didn't know he hadn't put the money in my account and as he also said he may drop it round in the afternoon I gave him time to do that. infact I txt him that I would only be at home until 5.30pm as I would then be leaving for work but as usual he ignored the text I sent him @12.30 and the one I sent him @4.30 asking if he was coming, which again was ignored so on my way to work I called him, usually I wouldn't even bother to chase him for it but I actually needed to money to pay for ds1 holiday club.

why are you angry with her?
its him who verbally abused you.

I'm angry with both of them! Him for being abusive and her for laughing at it.
Am I not allowed to be angry? Or do I just have to suck it up?

OP I can see where you are coming from with the new GF. There is no way I would want my DC being in the same room as a woman who thinks that sort of phone call is hilarious.

As PP have said - start recording the no shows. Get a contact order set in stone with conditions about lateness etc and keep recording all the times he doesn't show up. How old are DC? Are they old enough to start to see how he is behaving now?

you're allowed to be angry but it wont change anything will it?

you obviously didn't see him as being an abusive prick to start with either, give it time I am sure she will realise.

If I understand you correctly OP, you are aware that your ex is an abusive twat. You are aware that he is a deadbeat, and of no use to your kids. You have spent many long months dealing with his no-shows etc.

For some reason, you thought you would wonder out loud, on MN, why a woman would sit and listen to another woman being harassed and threatened..not just listen, find it funny. Either that or she is just an incredibly unpleasant woman. They do exist too.

I have no problem with you asking that question, and I don’t think it means you don’t understand the extent of your ex’s behaviour. It’s a totally different question. A bit like me saying “I know that my children don’t get on, but why does my DH sit there and not try and help them be friends?”. I know that I should be concentrating on why they’re not friends, but at that particular moment I was thinking about DH’s part in it (entirely made up example btw).

So, whilst I agree with a lot of the advice given, and I think you are doing the right thing if you do step back, and just let him get it terribly wrong, I also see that you were just asking a question about her.

She must be an extremely insecure, unhappy individual to think that speaking to anyone like that is OK. Even if they’re a psycho ex Not sure why even someone who is sucked in by charm, could not be horrified by the language and shouting that I’m guessing was involved.

I really feel for you OP. And I can quite understand why you’re cross about the gf. Being fed up and angry with the twat of an ex is a given. She’s egging him on, making things even worse. No, of course she’s not to blame, but I can quite get that OP is wondering why another woman would do that. If she didn’t, the situation would probably not be what it is, My guess is she just sees his DCs as an inconvenience in their relationship.

Whatever you do though, KEEP A DIARY of contact arrangements - those that go well, those that don’t. This is evidence for you in the event that you do go to court. Courts see contact with a DF as in the child’s interests (as do you) unless there are good reasons why it’s not, so they need to see that you are reasonable, and that he isn’t. You need to be a little flexible if he wants to change arrangements- so if it’s no problem for you, play the game, but be clear why it’s not possible or convenient. Courts can define when contact takes place, handover arrangements, who is responsible for delivery or collection. One thing to watch. As he’s being so foul to you - as is the gf, you want to be alert to them bad mouthing you to DCs, or in front if DCs. This can cause real psychological problems for children with loyalties, tearing them apart. Courts do stop contact if a parent is a persistent offender in this way, because it is so damaging to a child’s well-being. Do hope things get better op.

for you op.
He sounds a nasty piece of work.
Not having df turn up will be really really hard for your dc and knock their self worth.
Imho I'd go for the court order and tell him to stick to the agreements or you won't be making anymore.your dc will eventually not want to see him when they realise what he is doing,i.e.putting his gf first.
You definitely should not be chasing him for money!the c.f. Should be paying by dd .who the help does he think he is?
Your dc will see you have made every effort and he has made none and will be reflected in their future attitude to him.
Good luck