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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give 3yo DD her dummy back?

86 replies

Wecandothisthing · 01/07/2018 23:30

DD2 will be 4 in November. She's always been a great sleeper, but always had a dummy.

We tried to take it away at 7 months (like we did without a problem with DD1), but she changed from a baby that slept well to a very unsettled baby straight away. After a few nights, we gave in and gave it back.

We tried again aged 2. DD gave them to the dummy fairy, but sobbed and sobbed on and off all night for three nights and didn't nap. She normally sleeps 7pm-7am and has a 2 hour afternoon nap. She struggles without these sleeps. We had to call the dummy fairy to bring them back and explained she'd come back for them when DD's ready.

We're currently trying again. Last night was the first night. She happily gave the dummies away during the day (she's only allowed them for sleeping), but became distaught at bedtime. I was in and out with her until 2am, when I brought her into my room where she slept until 5:30am. She really copes badly with little sleep and has been grumpy all day. She didn't nap today.

Tonight is night two and DD keeps waking up to sob. I keep going to comfort her. She says "I just can't sleep without my dummies". You can even hear her sobbing when she's asleep.

It's going against all my intincts to let her be so upset (I am trying other methods to comfort her) and allowing her sleep to be so disrupted when I know I could easily fix it by giving the dummies back. On the other hand I'm wondering if there'll ever be an age when she easily gives them up. I think her top teeth are slightly pushed forward in a dummy shape.

Feeling crap, tired and conflicted right now. So, should I give the dummy back or persevere.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 02/07/2018 10:08

Why do you want to be the one who decides when she should give it up? It sounds as though she still needs it and is very distressed without it. What's the point?

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/07/2018 10:54

She will do it when she's ready OP

EvilMorty · 02/07/2018 11:46

Studies have shown if you give a child a dummy, even to look at, they are more likely to;

steal change from your purse and nick your cigarettes
progress from dummies to cigarettes to crack
sell your telly to feed their dummy habit
rob post offices
end up on death row

Each to their own

(Yes this is sarcasm )

JellyBaby666 · 02/07/2018 12:09

I think she's telling you she isn't ready to give it up - so if you're determined she won't have it get rid and stick to it, or she's going to be so confused! If she needs it, what's the harm? Reduce down the time she has it, ie only in bed, not out of her room, and I'm sure she'll get there. Has anyone known a 27 year old with a dummy?!

Good luck, the sleep deprivation must be so hard! xx

helterskelter3 · 02/07/2018 12:20

We tried a few times (including the Santa trick) to get DC1 to give up the dummy. It was hellish and then one night I said I couldn’t find it and he said ‘Ok, they’re for babies anyway’ and that was it. He was just ready this time.

Kaykay06 · 02/07/2018 12:37

I’d give it back, we took my youngests away at Christmas he gave them to Santa (aged 3 would be 4 in June) then he was poorly 2 days after Christmas and ended up in hospital so I gave them back as it was just too much for him, then we gave th m to the Easter bunny he was fine and can’t even remember having a dummy. She’ll not have it forever I’d try again later on if it’s jjst at sleep times tbh my lot napped till they went to school too, love their sleep 💤

NovBaby · 02/07/2018 12:37

Regular dummy use is recommended by the Lullaby trust to prevent sudden infant death syndrome.
Although aged 3 they are not necessary.
Stay strong! X

HeartshapedFox · 02/07/2018 12:40

Have you got any summer holidays coming up? DS was 3.5 when we “forgot” to take his with us and he was so worn out after days of holiday fun he barely noticed.

citreon · 02/07/2018 12:42

My DD1 had her dummy until reception year and then said no more she gave it to the pigs, she does have a brace but so did I and i had no dummy as a child.
DD2 has a thumb were nearly at the end of reception year and thumb isnt going anywhere.
A little comfort goes a long way id stop use in th eday and then work on night time.
Big hugs its so hard x

la1976 · 02/07/2018 12:44

My daughter was about 3 and only had her dummy at night, she got really upset at the reality of it being given to the fairy or another baby so we resorted to taking her to the teddy bear factory and she had it put inside a teddy. When she got upset about it being gone I used to encourage her to cuddle the teddy! Worked a treat & we never looked back!!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 02/07/2018 12:45

You know her best, if she really needs it then I’d give it to her. DS1 gave up his dummies at 2.5, a few weeks after his brother was born, and just before his 3rd birthday needed them again. We’ve just taken them away again (he’s 3 and 1 month) and he’s doing really well and learning to suck his thumb, but generally he doesn’t. I wouldn’t worry about braces and cross that bridge when you come to it. I sucked my thumb into my teens 😄 and my teeth are lovely and straight, no braces

DS2 is really not into the dummy and only has it for sleep if that. They’re all different!

OracleofDelphi · 02/07/2018 12:53

Just give it back to her..... I really dont understand the train of thought that says - Ive decided its time for small child / baby to give up bottles / dummies / nappies / etc..... All children are different.

My DS had a dummy until he was 4m old. Just kept spitting it out so that was that. DD was unbelievable attached to her dummy.... She gave it up one day age 5.

FWIW I had mine until I was 8 and I have really really good teeth so I dont think it has an impact. Children do things when they are ready to do them. If you want a life thats not full of unnecessary struggle just let them do these things when they are ready - unless there is a really good reason for them not to do it!

Dont let her cry in her sleep - chances are it falls out when shes deeply asleep in any case so shes probably just sucking it for comfort to go to sleep and in case she stirs in the night.

Stardust91 · 02/07/2018 13:07

OP as a massive dummy addict myself i would say wait until she is ready.
I used to sleep with three dummies. One in my hand, one to suck and one under my nose to sniff. I had them until i was about 5 and a half. I was starting primary school and on the first day of school my mum said 'Right, you are a big girl now, no one else in school has dummies it's time to throw them away, ok?' and she handed me the dummies. I said fine and i went at the back door, opened it and threw the dummies as far as i could in the garden and that was that. Never asked for them again.
I still remember that day like yesterday and it was over 20 years ago. I guess i really did love those dummies

DancerOnIce · 02/07/2018 13:13

You sound like me. DD was 3.5 and we tried the dummy fairy but she was distraught. Watching her sobbing on the second or third night I turned to my husband and said “why are we doing this?!” I felt like I was just doing it because it’s what I should do.
We gave it back. I honestly thought she’d never get rid of it. She only had it for naps, but was so attached to it.
In the end she decided to give it up when someone she knew was having a baby. We weren’t sure how she’d cope tbh but she was SO excited about using wrapping paper and sellotape by herself to wrap them up, and was absolutely fine.
I felt so guilty for taking it away the first time, but also like I was doing the wrong thing letting her have a dummy still. I thought everyone was judging me. But actually someone said something really kind to me after she finally gave the dummy up. She said it was so beautiful to see a child being given the autonomy to do things in their own time. And it made me feel 1000x better.
So what you think it right. You’re her mummy.

Pressuredrip · 02/07/2018 13:13

I had my dummy taken away at 3 or 4. I was the same as your dd, I sobbed and sobbed, I got in such a state because I was so tired but didn't know how to fall asleep without sucking. I remember gagging and feeling so ill with exhaustion. After about a week I tried sucking my thumb instead. I think because of this I'd probably just give the dummy back. There will come a time when the dummy becomes too small and she is old enough to try and learn to fall aslee without it.

Pressuredrip · 02/07/2018 13:27

Just wanted to add, my eldest seemed very attached to hers, but I mentioned she could hang them on the Christmas tree in the lead up to Christmas if she wanted to, and the dummy fairy would leave a present. She was really keen to do it straight away and never once asked for her dummy again, no problem sleeping. I'm just telling that so you don't feel like you caved or were too weak. Not all children struggle that much. Most parents would give it back in your situation too.

RiddleyW · 02/07/2018 14:14

I have a 3.5 year old who only has it for nights. I've been struggling with this. I like the idea of it just being by his bed if he needs it. I might try that.

sprinklesandsauce · 02/07/2018 14:15

OP, DD had a dummy until she was 4.5yo and she is now 10. She has no problems with her speech, no problems with her teeth.

At that point, we took it away , she got up the next morning and the Dummy Fairy had left her a beautiful dress hanging up. She never asked for the dummy again, but she did go back to using her comfort blanket that she hadn't used for a while.

Now age 10, there are certain toys that she just has to sleep with.

I think that your DD will give it up when she is ready, there is no rush and please do not give a tiny shiny what anybody else thinks on the subject.

llangennith · 02/07/2018 14:21

Youngest DD had her dummy till she was 6, night time only by then. Has perfect teeth, never needed braces.
Older two DC weren’t fussed with dummies and stopped having them at around a year old. Their choice, no forcing.
Nap time or bedtime if she’s happier with a dummy let her have it.

Sennelier1 · 02/07/2018 17:35

If she really sleeps deeply, could you let her fall asleep with her dummie and then take it away when she's fast asleep? I wouldn't trick her! Since she's very good about wanting to give up her dummie, you could maybe explain this, and say it's a way of helping her getting used to sleep without a dummie? It could also reassure her that she'll be allowed her dummie the next evening too. And maybe take it in small steps, like maybe trying to do the afternoon-nap without a dummie : she's 4, so if she's had a good night's rest, a slightly less intense nap wouldn't be a drama. If things are not better in a few days, I would talk to the pediatrician and ask for advice.

mcfifi · 02/07/2018 18:53

A dummy helps prevent a child from developing a thumb or finger sucking habit.
Thumb or finger sucking have the potential to cause problems with growth of adult teeth. They also are much more likely to persist beyond the arrival of adult teeth than having a dummy.
A dummy can cause some displacement of milk teeth, but this displacement has no effect on the adult teeth that follow.
Basically, as long as the child isn’t still using a dummy at age 6 or 7 (when adult teeth arrive) a dummy isn’t a problem.
Really don’t know what the fuss is about. I sometimes think parents want their kids to stop using a dummy because it’s “embarrassing” to be seen as a parent whose child is “behind” other kids.
If my 3yo was “sobbing in her sleep” without a dummy, she’d get a dummy. No contest.

www.orthodonticcentre.co.uk/patient-information/patient-information/dummy-thumb-sucking

mcfifi · 02/07/2018 18:59

I felt so guilty for taking it away the first time, but also like I was doing the wrong thing letting her have a dummy still. I thought everyone was judging me. But actually someone said something really kind to me after she finally gave the dummy up. She said it was so beautiful to see a child being given the autonomy to do things in their own time

Hit the nail on the head.

kaytee87 · 02/07/2018 19:53

@mcfifi that's exactly what my dentist said.

My almost 2yo still has his dummy for sleep and if he's feeling poorly, I'm in no rush to remove it. He puts himself to sleep easily and hardly ever wakes during the night. Sleeps 12 hours at night and 2 during the day - like hell am I disturbing that just because someone says he shouldn't sleep with a dummy for 'reasons'

PeppermintPasty · 02/07/2018 20:12

Ah, dummy top trumps from some of the posters on here.

This too shall pass, and all that OP. Be nice to yourself, you need sleep.

I always think that people who post on these sort of threads (myself included) are blasé on one side of the fence or the other because basically we can't actually remember with pinpoint accuracy all the struggles we had. This is a good thing, this will happen to you, there is an end to it and you will forget the pain.

She will ditch it in her own time I am sure.

Candyflip · 02/07/2018 20:20

We did the whole dummy fairy routine, and a huge present was left in place of the dummies. DS was thrilled and didn’t ask for a dummy again. 4 days later the little bugger found one I had missed 😂 he was nearer 4 when he gave the last one up! His teeth are perfect, unlike thumbsucker me, I wore braces until I was 16, embarrassing. Have you seen the book The Last Noo-Noo? It is lovely.

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