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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give 3yo DD her dummy back?

86 replies

Wecandothisthing · 01/07/2018 23:30

DD2 will be 4 in November. She's always been a great sleeper, but always had a dummy.

We tried to take it away at 7 months (like we did without a problem with DD1), but she changed from a baby that slept well to a very unsettled baby straight away. After a few nights, we gave in and gave it back.

We tried again aged 2. DD gave them to the dummy fairy, but sobbed and sobbed on and off all night for three nights and didn't nap. She normally sleeps 7pm-7am and has a 2 hour afternoon nap. She struggles without these sleeps. We had to call the dummy fairy to bring them back and explained she'd come back for them when DD's ready.

We're currently trying again. Last night was the first night. She happily gave the dummies away during the day (she's only allowed them for sleeping), but became distaught at bedtime. I was in and out with her until 2am, when I brought her into my room where she slept until 5:30am. She really copes badly with little sleep and has been grumpy all day. She didn't nap today.

Tonight is night two and DD keeps waking up to sob. I keep going to comfort her. She says "I just can't sleep without my dummies". You can even hear her sobbing when she's asleep.

It's going against all my intincts to let her be so upset (I am trying other methods to comfort her) and allowing her sleep to be so disrupted when I know I could easily fix it by giving the dummies back. On the other hand I'm wondering if there'll ever be an age when she easily gives them up. I think her top teeth are slightly pushed forward in a dummy shape.

Feeling crap, tired and conflicted right now. So, should I give the dummy back or persevere.

OP posts:

Tomatoesrock · 02/07/2018 00:29

I would hold out for a few days and see if she settles without it, though DD1 was 5 when we finally got rid of hers, like your DD she was really attached. I worried about her teeth but she is 10 now and has perfectly straight teeth. My other DC were much easier. Do what your gut tells you, Can you ask the nursery staff if she goes to help plant seeds.

There is a dummy tree in Dublin, we brought her and hung it for the fairy, There was hundreds of dummys there, it was lovely, maybe check if there is one near you.

OliviaPopeRules · 02/07/2018 00:44

I would give it to her. My DD slept every night for 12 hours until we took her dummy off her. Now she is a total nightmare, I have to spend 2 hours getting her to sleep every evening and she is back in our bed in the middle of the night. She stopped looking for the dummy after a week but was so used to getting cuddles etc to get her through so was in the ha oh of having me there and now can't do without it. She is 5 in September but I don't care I would rather she still had her dummy. I assume she would have given it up eventually herself and I wish I had waited.

OliviaPopeRules · 02/07/2018 00:47

I detest and despise them so I would say no. No child of mine would ever have an ugly piece of plastic shoved in their mouth. But each to their own. They're not needed though

FFS get a grip, how the fuck do you know what someone else's child needs. And piss off with your passive aggressive each to their own bullshit when you clearly think you are superior.

OliviaPopeRules · 02/07/2018 00:52

She's really happy with the idea of giving them up, just struggles with the reality. She seems to be trying to sleep, but struggling.

Of course OP because she wants to be grown up and do the right thing but the reality is she is used to it and it comforts her. To be honest I think it's cruel to take them off kids before they are ready and I include myself in that, as I said I wish I hadn't done it.

BinkyTheBlinky · 02/07/2018 00:53

Santa took DD1’s dummy from the Christmas tree in exchange for her gifts. That was just before she turned three. We expected a big fuss but she surprised us by how quickly she accepted it. We had no choice though. She was chewing holes in them deliberately and I was terrified she would choke herself.

DD2 on the other hand. She is one. We forgot to put hers in her nursery bag the other day. They had to go to the shop to get her a new one, she was so inconsolable. I felt awful.

halfwitpicker · 02/07/2018 00:53

I don't see it as a problem personally. It's only at night.

halfwitpicker · 02/07/2018 00:55

I detest and despise them so I would say

Seriously? Big words.

Original poster

Wecandothisthing · 02/07/2018 07:26

I caved in and gave it back at 4am, by which point no sleep had been had by me and DD was inconsolable, even with cuddles.

I'm now up ready for school run, feeling shit. Feel guilty for taking it away in the first place and guilty for giving it back!

OP posts:

Tiredtomybones · 02/07/2018 07:32

Let her have it and don't worry. She still needs it.

Arjunsummer · 02/07/2018 07:48

I would have let her have it back too. Try again when she's ready

Soubriquet · 02/07/2018 07:52

Give the poor girl her dummy.

It's only for nighttime and she obviously needs it right now

SoddingUnicorns · 02/07/2018 07:58

I’d give it back, all of mine came off theirs in their own time and DS1 (the only one with adult teeth her) won’t need braces, he had his until he was 4!

The comment saying it’s a dummy not crack made me laugh. It’s also true though!

CherryPavlova · 02/07/2018 08:14

I think you’re overthinking. Take the dummy, throw it away and tell her she’s too old for one now. No big fuss, no caving in, just oh dear, it’s gone. It will only take a few nights pain. If you cave in that easily to every demand you’ll make a rod for your own back later on.

thegreylady · 02/07/2018 08:22

With my ds aged three and a half we told him he was a big boy who didn’t need his dummy any more so every night we would leave it on a saucer by his bed and if he really needed it he could get it himself.
This seemed to work. He wasn’t distressed because he knew it was there. The first couple of nights he had used it but he quite quickly didn’t bother at all. He had it by the bed for the best part of a year. Then he wanted a colour changing lamp on his bedside table so he moved the dummy saucer and asked us to take it away. He never had braces. He is now 48...

crispysausagerolls · 02/07/2018 09:07

I think the issue would be more that you’ve said DC can’t have something, then relented. It’s confusing!

Soubriquet · 02/07/2018 09:10

I took my dd's dummy away from her when she turned 3. Bribed her with a new penguin which she named dummy penguin.

Oh my god the change in her. My confident bubbly girl became a nervous wreck. Bursting into tears for no reason and refused to sleep.

After two weeks of attempting, we ended up giving it back to her. She immediately went back to normal.

We tried again a few months later, and this time she was really ready. Happily got rid of it and was fine from day one.

Don't rush it. You don't see 18 year olds walking around with dummies. She will do it when she's ready

my2bundles · 02/07/2018 09:20

I'm of the opinion that children should only give up any form of comforters when they are good and ready. between the ages of 3-5 my youngest had his dummy just at bedtime, I got all the usual gnorant remarks about him being to old. He decided when to give it up age 5, he is now 10 has a full set of adult teeth and the dummy use has not affected their growth one little bit. Do what is right for your own child, their security is a million tones more important than ignorant attitudes..

Purplefrogshoes · 02/07/2018 09:33

Give yourself a break OP. My dd had hers at night time until she was five

Drycleanonly7 · 02/07/2018 09:39

Throw all dummies in the bin. You are in charge. Yes, it will take a few disturbed nights to settle without it. Be consistent.

Notso · 02/07/2018 09:50

After a horrific 'cold turkey' experience with DC1, we tried the gentle approach for the other 3 DC.
Dummies started being kept in a drawer or box near their bed, they weren't put to bed with it in but they could get it if they needed it. Nothing was said if they got it but plenty of praise if they didn't get it. It took varying lengths of time from a couple of nights for DC2 to a couple of months for DC4, DC3 was somewhere in between.
There was no tears or upset about it and the achievement was all down to them rather than forced by us.

orangetreesinspring · 02/07/2018 09:57

:-( maybe just try gradually limiting the amount of time she has it - so don't start the night with it but give it to her when she wakes up wanting it. Then try to gradually stretch the time out without it.

As the weather cools down and the light fades and dc start to sleep better anyway then she may go longer and longer without it.

It sounds like cold turkey is just too distressing for her and lack of sleep is harmful just as too much dummy may be harmful!

At least if she's cutting down on dummy time it will be having less affect on her teeth.

Tomatoesrock · 02/07/2018 09:57

Aw I would give it to her too, Maybe leave it for a few months and with the excitement of Christmas, giving it to Santa, or any exciting tradition that you all celebrate.

As I said DD1 was 5, I got told off for leaving her so long, it has had no lasting effects on her or her teeth. Goodluck.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 02/07/2018 09:57

It’s hard but you must persevere. A lot f parents go down the ‘anything for a quiet life’ route, then moan that their teen will not do anything to help, or respect house rules etc. Sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind. Best of luck

orangetreesinspring · 02/07/2018 09:58

I think if it were me I would prioritise her feeling secure and happy and not anxious and upset over possible teeth issues

my2bundles · 02/07/2018 10:02

Lamtrying, I'm laughing at your response. The age a child chooses to give up a dummy has no link to how they behave as teenagers or if the show respect. I gave a teen and a 10 year who prove this. 😝😂.

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