have any of you ever went nc with a family member permantely?

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I'm not talking about a fight that went on 6 months or 2 years, I am talking about a long term permanent nc arrangement that will likely never be resolved.

It is just that I was chatting to a colleague on Friday and she told me she went nc with her parents over a decade ago and hated them, she never said what it was about and I did not want to pry but I just wondered have you or any1 you know ever went long term nc with a family member and how long ago was it?
What was it over[you do not have to say this]?
Do you still see them at ocassions?
Do you think it was worth it?

I think that's true, OP. My parents' divorce when my sibs and I were all in our 20s set off a chain reaction that affects us to this day - and we're in our 40s/50s now.

All over my mother demanding that 'sides' were taken. Now her own five DC don't speak to each other, and barely speak to her (apart from golden boy).

""seems if you go nc with 1 sibling or parent then you sometimes have to cut the them all out as collateral.""

Not if it's for a real reason and the people in your Family really care about, so don't take sides.

I went NC with my Mother during one of my pregnancy's. I had allowed a relationship with my eldest DD, so had to relent. It was then LC until she needed Care, because of the power shift, it was tolerable.

If you are going to go NC, or having a toxic relationship with someone, I'd say, go NC sooner, rather than later.

My youngest DD is NC with my eldest, we just do separate meet-ups for Birthdays etc. What makes it easy is that my youngest works Evenings and my eldest long hours. It is in my youngest's interests to be NC, so we all respect that.

I am NC with one of my Son-In-Laws, again, we do as above.

I and my children are NC with one Family member from my DH's side. She has a Personality Disorder and is a dangerous person to have around. She makes allegations up and spreads malicious gossip.

I think it's more difficult if you have relatives that are very elderly and like to get involved. NC, in their day, was rare, so they often don't let it drop.

But if had, have some of the experiences that others do, you wouldn't find it difficult. My Mum carried on damaging my MH, even as an Adult, which did effect my entire life. My biggest regret is not just pissing off out of the city that I was born in and never looking back. I wouldn't have my children, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have had children.

Yea I find it amazing on posts I have found here in recent days over posters who have nc with close family members for decades after a row. It must be so hard to do and so traumatic.

I have been NC with the woman who gave birth to me for 8 years, we had a year prior of very low contact and NC for 4 years prior to that. The last time I saw her was at my DF's funeral. I lost contact with all my extended family and my siblings bar DB (who also went NC and traced me) which was very tough but worth it. She doesn't know she has two grand-daughters, thankfully - she would be a great danger to them. Going NC is a high price to pay but is worth it; it rarely happens (I think) from a minor disagreement or squabble, it is a decision made when you reach the absolute end of the line and realise it isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with that person.

Yes, both parents and brother.

My childhood was very strange. Lots of very narcissistic behaviour from my brother. My father was work/alcohol/sex obsessed.

Family life for my parents revolved around getting drunk and making friends with my friends parents then convincing them to have sex parties while us kids roamed the house.

My parents apparently didn't notice my brother had been physically assaulting me pretty much since I had the misfortune to be born into that family.

Brother's behaviour escalated once he hit puberty and what with all the "anything goes" approach to sex that went on in our house you can imagine how that worked out for me.

I had it out with them last year and they disowned me. Spread rumours that I had gone made and had cut out my entire family.

I am actually still in touch with my extended family and have no issue with any of them at all.

My parents had v respectable jobs and were very good at putting on an act which they are still desperate to maintain. So me pulling back the curtain on what they are actually like was the last thing they could handle.

Life is so much more peaceful without them.

Sorry, on the subject of what gets told to other people - well IME the majority of people can't handle anything related to sexual abuse so I find I do tone down or edit out bits of my explanation.

Which leads to inevitable "but she's your MOTHER she loves you" stuff while I'm sitting there knowing that I have a much better understanding of the situation than the person who is judging me.

So if someone explains it as "just a row" please respect that they might have very difficult and painful reasons for going no contact, and if you are already judging them then that is precisely the reasons they are NOT going to trust you with very sensitive and difficult to talk about experiences.

So, please, just don't judge when someone is nc.

Name change. I've fairly recently gone NC with parents and one brother. I don't want to go into the whole thing as I introduced by SIL to mumsnet when I was put in a situation of having to tell her and my brother about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. Other members of my family did know, but I had purposely not told this brother as I didn't think he would have a good reaction. Turns out I was right. He was intially shocked and supportive, but now it turns out he is moving his family into parents house under the guise of 'carer'. When I found this out I was so upset and shocked, resulted in a big blow up.

Worst thing was that he accidentally copied into a message accusing me of telling him about the abuse to make trouble. I finally did it because there was an incident that was so frightening to me that I felt there was no other option as if I didn't I would be putting his children at risk.

I've blocked the lot of them, and honestly going NC was the best thing I ever did, I don't have to pretend now, and it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I will never have any contact with them again, for sure. It's a bit easier for me as they live in a different country, so I am able to keep contact with my lovely family here.

Can I ask those of you whose parents have died, did you attend their funerals? I will certainly not be doing, but I do wonder how I will deal with that when it eventually happens. I think I will just take a week off work and say nothing about not attending funerals... Don't want people to judge me when I have done nothing, but I wouldnd't want to explain.

Hopefully my parents will live for many more years and my brother works hard caring for them!

Stopme, I think i remember your story from a thread. So glad to read you are nc now. Well done x

A few...

My cousin on my Dads side. Grew up with her even though she’s older but she became a vile woman. When our Nan died she broke into the house and stole money. Other nasty nasty behaviour. Luckily she never had children so the evil dies when she does.

MIL is another one. She’s a compulsive liar. Told her kids including DH that she was dying of cancer just for attention. She doesn’t have cancer and never did. I’ll never have the woman in my home again and won’t let her have contact with DD either due to her lies and drama.

I went NC with both of my physically and mentally abusive alcoholic parents two years ago. I wish I had done it much, much sooner. It was very hard at first, my mental health suffered and I have had a lot of therapy but it is good to be free. But I don't have siblings with children, grandparents or anyone else I really care about that I have had to cut out of my life along with them, so that makes it a lot easier. My aunts and uncles I didn't have much of a relationship with as we didn't live in the same country and also, because I think my parents behaviour was pretty awful toward them too. But they knew I was being abused and said nothing, so fuck them too. Sometimes I cry when I think of how alone I know am with just my DC and DH but then, when you are abused, you are alone anyway. Always making excuses for them and telling other people lies to keep their little fantasy of what amazing, cool parents they are going. I won't be going to their funeral and I hope to never, ever hear from them again.

Yes, am NC with my mother as she has raging NPD and I was emotionally abused by her from the age of 5.

Cutting her out was the best thing I ever did for my self esteem - I have literally come on in leaps and bounds since then. My only regret in life is that I didn't do it sooner, but I had no confidence after a lifetime of wondering what was so wrong with me that even my own mother hated me.

cornershopkeeper Thanks very much. As I said best thing I have ever done, I feel much happier. Very disappointed with my brother though, but he's made his choice and will have to live with it. I think it will eventually break his family up. It's certainly going to be a very toxic household.

Just wanted to add, I don't tell people I am NC because people seem to think you are some kind of monster. And if anyone ever told me you only get one mother/father, I would say thank God, because I really don't need more than one of them! People from non-abusive families have no idea how bad things are for the children trapped in them. Even as an adult, you can't get away from it.

I am NC with my grandparents on my mums side. My mum has been nc on and off with them since 1975, she’s had periods of contact but my grandmother is a toxic narcissist.
we had some contact in the 1990s when I was a teenager but it never lasted. I saw her last in 2005 at a family wedding and she completely blanked me all day, and my grandfather is a weak prick who wouldn’t stand up to her.
She has dementia now and it serves her right, my grandad is dead and I couldn’t care less.
It’s caused a huge rift in the family, and my mums siblings all took different sides and they’ve fallen out with each other at various times over the years.
I’ve never ever spoken to one of my mums sisters.
And it all started when my grandmother disapproved of my dad as he was the son of a farmer and not worthy enough to marry my mum. —even though she was the daughter of a farmer herself—

Over the years I have learnt the hard way that those who believe that you should stay in toxic relationships for the good of the mythical "faamily " are more focused on their own needs and are rarely missed

So collateral damage often turns out not to be as bad as it may seem

My DP went NC with his disappearing abusive father at 15 , over the years he had to help support his brothers every time his DF would fly in...(or sail in his case) screw their heads up, let them down and bugger off again. When he died the man had nothing and no-one...my DP had to sort his will and probate and even his DF own brother wouldn't help without payment....nc was by far his healthiest option .

I went NC with Aunt who after two stints in prison for fraud (which my father and mother helped her out massively through) had the cheek to be abusive to my mother for not speaking to her respectfully when she asked my father for money ....again (my dmum granted can be Batshit crazy but entirely doesn't have it in her to be anything other than genteel in terms of wording )

And frankly I have just made the decision after 38 years of screwed up behaviour that I am not going to tolerate my Dsis behaviour....shes a grown adult who refuses to speak to people if she chooses not to, attempted to play martyr mind games with my DC and literally throws tantrums so NC

I don't miss any of them and no (granted one is deceased and not really mine) won't see them

I'd rather my children learnt to value themselves highly enough not to feel so beneath someone else to allow them to hurt or belittle them or behave badly out of politeness or keeping the peace ....i want to model to my DC that valuing yourself and not being around toxicity is far more important than a fake concept of rules of family that most often simply excuses toxic behaviour and fosters it's continuance

Honestly I don't and doubt I will ever regret the decisions

I went NC with my mother about 5 years ago and very much doubt it will ever be resolved.

I’ve never regretted it and my life is much happier now.

She’s a total narc and has put me down, belittled me and emotionally abused me all my life.

The final straw was when she said something nasty about me and my brother to my dd who was about 12yo at time. Dd told me, I am sure she’s telling the truth.....the language used wasn’t something an 11yo would come up with.

Db confronted my mum who denied saying it and said that dd was a psychopath who should be put in a mental institution.

My mum has a habit of twisting things to suit her own view of things. She will lie and make stuff up to suit her own view point. Apparantly one of her friends who is an ex magistrate has agreed with her that dd would be better off in care than being with me. Why I have no idea, I’m the most respectable person going and dd has the most loving home going. So either she made that up or has spun a load of lies about me to her friend....I suspect the latter.

Oh and my brother also went NC with her.....there’s no other family. So I still get to see him and never have to bump into her.

krustykittens I'm the same, don't say much about it. Since going nc I have finally told 2 close friends though who have been incredibly supportive. I am surprised that I could do it, but since going nc I have managed to get the strength together to talk about it. Sometimes I feel envious of my DD as she has had a lovely childhood. Thats hard to explain, I wouldn't have warned her to have anything less I love her so much, but sad that didn't have that. Does that make sense?

I don’t speak to my sister and brother, they don’t speak to a each other either.

I haven’t spoken to my brother in years, and never will again - no one in the family has any contact with him.

Making this type of choice (if it is a choice) is extremely difficult and shouldn’t ever be taken lightly, but sometimes it’s the only option you are left with in impossible, or unforgivable circumstances 😒

I have a sister who is 18 months older than me. We've not spoken or had contact in 10 years and I don't imagine any circumstances which would change that.

It's not a flippant sort of choice and not something that's easy to maintain; when members of my family have mentioned her I've had to deliberately point out to them that I don't want to speak about her or know information about her, but it is by far the best choice I could have made; she's just not someone I can tolerate in my life.

I spent years arguing then making up then arguing again with her. She could start a fight in an empty room and is in a constant state of anger/envy/venom and having a sibling like that is almost like being in a volatile relationship where you can't be together but can't be apart. Eventually I cracked, walked away and don't miss her at all now. My children don't know her, my Husband doesn't know her, my friends don't know her. It's the lesser of all the possible evils, really, because there's no doubt that if we'd spent the last 10 years in touch, we'd still be in that awful, dysfunctional pattern we grew up with.

I really think having your own children can be the tipping point for a lot of people. Been NC with toxic, narcissist sister for a few years now and it’s been great. Once I had my own kids I just simply didn’t have the time for her neediness and drama anymore. I didn’t want my children growing up having to interpret her weird and manipulative behaviour, or to be around her (just about) functioning coke addict partner. My kids can now continue on with their nice gentle childhood, without her nasty interruptions. Occasionally she seems to get hold of contact details for me, or gets a new number and then texts as she’s always blocked. It’s always so viscous and crazy... mostly along the lines of ‘you think you’re so fucking superior not talking to me you fucking stupid cunt, I have an amazing life and an amazing partner and you’re just jealous you evil bitch’. I always just delete it and block her again.

Stopme I do know what you mean. The break through for me was when I had my first daughter and I thought about how much I loved her and how I would do anything to protect her and then I realised that no one did that for me, apart from Grandparents, who couldn't do much. It did feel unfair. But I still rather stupidly thought I could get rid of my rage and my depression by forgiving them and building a good relationship with them and letting my children have a relationship with their grandparents. What a joke. It still took me years to go NC, even after they ruined our first Christmas with DD1. I was so bloody angry by the time I went NC that when i walked into Crisis for therapy they bumped me up the waiting list because they said the anger just came off me in waves. They did try to behave themselves when the kids were very young but once the girls got to senior school level, it was like they just decided to do and say whatever they liked and we were back to the bad old days, except this time, my kids were getting in the neck as well. And I STILL have to talk myself through the abuse and remember why I did this when the FOG overwhelms me after years of gaslighting! I was terrified to go NC because I thought my husband and children would believe their low opinion of me. After all, only a real scum bag would stop talking to their parents, wouldn't they?

secretselkie

''I haven’t spoken to my brother in years, and never will again - no one in the family has any contact with him.''

Why and how many years?