have any of you ever went nc with a family member permantely?

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I'm not talking about a fight that went on 6 months or 2 years, I am talking about a long term permanent nc arrangement that will likely never be resolved.

It is just that I was chatting to a colleague on Friday and she told me she went nc with her parents over a decade ago and hated them, she never said what it was about and I did not want to pry but I just wondered have you or any1 you know ever went long term nc with a family member and how long ago was it?
What was it over[you do not have to say this]?
Do you still see them at ocassions?
Do you think it was worth it?

I haven't seen my sibling for 5, maybe 6, years. Will have to see them next year as our mother has a major birthday. Am not looking forward to it.

TBH I doubt they've realised. They definitely have narcissitic qualities and strongly believes everyone thinks they're amazing, so I doubt they think I'm any different.

I've basically never been forgiven for being born, and ridding them of their only child status. This was then compounded by my mother not making me wait around to have a life until they were home from uni and could join in (large age gap).

Hopefully, I'll only see them a few more times in my life. Major birthdays (not mine or theirs, though) and funerals. My mother, after lots of consideration, finally agreed that, if I were to ever get married, sibling needn't be invited (even though, when they eventually found out, mother would get the brunt of it). If my sibling were there then, obviously, the day would be all about them.

Yes, with my husbands “mother” and “sister”. We dont consider them related now hence why I use the speech marks. Fell out nearly 7 years ago over lies she told husband about a supposed incident on my sons christening day. The mother had been, for years, trying to manipulate his mind against people but didn’t like it when he got wise. It’s a very long story with too many details and the christening was the last straw. As I say, that’s nearly 7 years ago. It was my 3rd sons christening, we’ve had more children since who neither the mother or sister have met. We saw them last at my bil’s 40th nearly 4 years ago. And no, we will not be resuming contact ever. Husband says he probably wouldn’t even go to the mothers funeral when the time comes.

My father - or biological father. Cheated on my mum when she was pregnant with me. She split with him when I was roughly 6 weeks old. We lived hand to mouth for around 10 years, he had me and my brother at his convenience and just carried on liv by his life. My mum never spoke ill of him in front of me but as I got into my teenage years, I realised what a twat he was. Then he tried to give me parenting advice when I had my first child and I thought enough was enough. I was just being polite in seeing him occasionally and it just wasn't worth it. He hadn't changed or accepted any responsibility for his behaviour. I think he's on wife no.5 now. He tries to make contact through my brother now and then or tries to track my children down on Facebook. My mum did see him at a niece/nephew party and he was hassling her about why I went no contact and she told him.

I don't regret it at all. Some people have called me hard/you only get one father etc., but it last my life.

I have been no contact with one of my sisters for about 3 years

Financial issue , she and her toxic arse of a husband took legal action against us , we settled out of court , it caused us considerable distress and anxiety , but it turned out to be the best £10 grand we ever spent

No regrets at all

Last saw her at Dads funeral

My other sister wants me to try and reconcile with NC sister , but I have no reason to do so

It's been 5 years with my parents and brother and will never be resolved. I don't hate any of them but I don't love them either, I just don't really care about them.

My parents and I never got on and had periods of NC over the years but always ended up back in touch. The final straw was a huge argument where my mum acted like a maniac and was extremely abusive (there were witnesses so this isn't just my opinion). My dad and brother took her side as usual. There are always two sides of course, but ultimately I accepted that we were all bad for each other and it was best if I walked away. I wish them well though and am very happy in my own life, they are not missed.

On a practical basis, no I don't see them at occasions. I choose not to attend any family occasions and certainly wouldn't invite them to mine.

They don't know where I live or my contact details, were not invited to my wedding and have never met my children. If one of them was ill, or I was, that wouldn't change. This is what real NC looks like.

Went NC with my father at age 11. My parents divorced when I was 2, he lived a very chaotic lifestyle and was always in and out if prison. I only saw him once a month as a kid, less than that when he was inside. I was never close to him and he wasn't a good parent.

I'm almost 28 now and haven't seen or spoke to him since although I saw him in the papers a couple of years ago and he is still living exactly the same lifestyle. He went on to have 4 more children after me with 3 different women so I doubt I left much of a hole in his life anyway.

I have a DS who knows nothing about him and it will stay that way. I don't want my DS exposed to his lifestyle like I was.

I went NC with my mother and brother 4 years ago (4 years ago yesterday actually) and subsequently lost my dad due to this. I pretty much knew I would lose dad too as he is a coward when it comes to my mother.

My 'relationship' with my mother had always been fraught with issues and unfortunately I didn't really begin to understand/realise these issues until I was pregnant with my first DC, our 'relationship' was on a slippery slope from that point. My brother is unfortunately made in my mothers image and is a nasty, violent, abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) person.

The reasons I decided on NC are plentiful but at the time of deciding to go NC it was a straw that broke the camels back incident that solidified it for me. My mother is a narcissist and I had been pondering going NC for a good year or so before I had decided to and I had withdrawn from their 'family' life a lot which in turn ramped up my mothers abuse towards me. this lead to her give me a blocking over the phone regarding a time for DD1's play that she was involved in. I had got the time wrong in the text when she asked me what time the play was that her and my dad were going to. DD1 was doing two plays and different times and I mixed it up (even though she had the tickets with the time on). Mother rang me and raged at me for a while, calling me every name under the sun, I hung up on her and have had no direct or indirect contact with her since.

She has tried over the years to contact me either directly, via DH, through other family members and friends, she sends me a birthday card every year which go straight in the bin. My grandma died earlier this year and the funeral and wake were to be the first time I was going to be in the same room as my mother. It was hard, the stress of it triggered my PTSD, my mental health hit rock bottom again and I almost ended up in crisis again, I developed skin issues and I am only just pulling myself up out of this. The funeral was of course bad because it was a funeral but the wake was pure hell, I wasn't going to go at first but then decided on the day that I wanted to and wish I hadn't now if I'm honest. Since losing grandma many people within the family have seen my mother for what she is.

My Mum - over 12 years - abusive alcoholic, compulsive liar, battered me in a regular basis

Sister - 2 years - too similar to mother.

Don’t see any of them. Don’t go to the rare family party , I have zero interest in any one on that side

NC with my father for several years before he died. He wasn't a good man, had an emotionally abusive childhood because of him. I was the scapegoat child, sibling was the golden, etc. Had a wobble when I realised he was dying, but ultimately I am better off without him in my life, be that because of the NC or now because he is dead (several years now).

Also NC with a cousin. She lives in my home town so I do occasionally see her but I look right through her. It's been maybe four years. She's utterly toxic and awful. It was a cumulative thing with her, a succession of selfish and abusive behaviour including theft from several family members. It was definitely worth it. She's horrible.

Both parents. My childhood was very physically and mentally abusive and although we never went hungry there was just constant low level neglect eg we were never fed breakfast, we were left alone for long periods of time while they worked or socialised, I was responsible for my younger sibling from when I was around 8 and she was 3/4 for entire working days and nights till the early hours. I also did much of the housework, had a chore list that basically consisted of all daily household tasks. My Mum would come home and cook tea (I'd have prepared all the veg etc) and then I would wash and dry up. That was the sum total of what she did round the house on a day to day basis. She was very violent towards us, especially me, including choking me and threatening me with knives etc.

As a teenager it got even worse, they seemed to suddenly just start hating me when I turned about 14, I'd be ignored for months at a time and then there'd be these kangaroo courts where they both went in on me listing my short comings etc, they seemed to really enjoy it actually.

Nothing I did was ever good enough, even when I had my kids I was a poor excuse for a mother and my children were badly brought up brats and so on and on. I still kept seeing them though right up till two years ago when my Dad suddenly bellowed so loudly at my daughter that she screamed in terror. We left the next morning and have never been back, had all the letters and emails telling me how horrible I am blah blah blah and they got a few back too.

I don't go to family occasions or see extended family as my mum always controlled and triangulated all that anyway so I never had close bonds with them. I see and am in contact with my only sibling but I struggle with it as she's never stuck up for us with them, and it makes me really sad and angry to see her engaging in jolly fashion with my parents on FB. My Dad seems very bonded with her and her children when he honestly couldn't seem to stand mine and didn't even try to hide it.

It's for the best. I let them get away with it for far too long and their treatment of me was so entrenched by then that there was no way to change it. I know I could go back and it would be lovely for a few months and then the signing, criticism and face pulling would start again. I will never be in contact with the, again.

DH and his DB fell out last year.

I can’t see it being resolved any time soon and most of DH family have taken sides (DBS).

NC with dad 10 years - his choice because I did not do as I was told and his punishment was to go NC. But TBH I was very close to going NC myself because I didn't what his toxic behaviour affecting my DC, so it would have happened anyway.
First few years is tough - feels like a bereavement - but after that it just becomes the norm.
One DB sees him every couple of years so I have some news about him occasionally, my other DB is NC too for similar reasons.

Yes. I have been permanently NC with my mother since age 19-ish, after being off-and-on NC since age 14. She was an emotionally abusive, neglectful alcoholic who blamed me for all sorts of things. 'I wish you were never born' 'Your disability is God punishing me' 'You aren't a real person'

I'm aware that she has had a difficult life herself and has psychological problems but I have to do what's best for me, and since for a long time I had panic attacks upon seeing her, that's NC. She used to wear a particular perfume and I have an instinctive stress reaction if I smell it on someone else.

I have much younger siblings and due to family arrangements, until fairly recently I saw her once a year, on Christmas Day. Always a source of stress for me. Siblings are all now adult and that doesn't happen any longer. They have regular contact with her, and I think part of it is because I looked after/protected them from her when they were small children, before social services got involved, so they don't have the same memories that I do.

She has been sober for quite some time now but for me the damage has been done, and not all of the awful things she used to say to me were said while drunk. She also accepted zero responsibility for her actions in my childhood/adolescence. 'I was drunk, it doesn't count' or 'it was a long time ago' even when that was just a few years. She also credits herself with stopping me from self-harming because she drunkenly cut herself in front of me. She didn't. She just terrified me.

If I marry, have children, or anything like that I don't intend to involve her. She wasn't invited to my (recent, mature student) university graduation and I haven't told her about my further studies or that I'm moving to Cambridge soon because I have a scholarship to study there. It's possible that other relatives have told her, but there's no direct contact.

Was it worth it? I think so. I started off being incredibly angry with her, now I feel quite sorry for her and empathise with the difficulties she's had, but ultimately, it's better for me not to be in contact with her. I don't know what I'd do if she were genuinely ill. She claims a lot of false illnesses and when I was a teenager she said she had cancer in order to get me to speak to her again. She didn't. Sometimes I feel guilty, usually when well-meaning friends or colleagues say 'but you only have one mother.' I'm also sad that it effectively means cutting off most of that side of the family, as we don't live close together and I have to avoid going to the usual weddings/birthdays/baptisms.

Honestly, I could only see myself possibly resolving it if I heard from a neutral third party that she were actually dying. That's about it. I know it sounds callous, but it's the truth.

NC with MIL. DH has been NC for 7yrs and me/the DC for 5yrs, I tried to keep up a relationship with her for the sake of the DC before finally conceding that she was playing me for an idiot which is when I cut contact too. I've since had two DC who she hasn't met. We didn't set out to go NC, we just didn't make contact with her and she never made any effort to initiate contact with us (which was part of the issue) so time went on and we reached a point where we decided that was it, no contact would be allowed even if she did try to initiate it.

She was emotionally abusive and neglectful to DH as a child, blamed him for the break up of her marriage after she cheated on her second husband, played favourites between DH and his siblings, and basically treated people well or badly based on who was her current flavour of the month. When we set a wedding date she went completely off the charts even though we'd had a fairly good relationship up until that point, labelled me as the "puppet master" who was taking her son away, did her level best to spoil the wedding, refused to be in any photographs with me, spent the reception going table to table slagging me off, took the huff over the food, told everyone it wouldn't last a year, and so on. Things came to a head once the grandchildren started to arrive. I had a MC and on Christmas day she made a huge fuss over pregnant SIL and "FINALLY getting a grandchild" before asking me "wouldn't yours have been due around now". I was going to tell her I was actually pregnant again and decided not to after that, when we did tell her a few weeks later she accused me of doing it deliberately to steal SILs thunder. Then SIL deliberately booked her wedding on my due date so that I'd be hot and uncomfortable and couldn't wear anything too nice for it then they all got the hump when I couldn't attend due to being labour, SIL cried and demanded DH attend anyway. I ended up ironing a shirt for him, while having contractions, and shoving him out of the door (with him protesting the whole time) to attend the service with instructions to be back in an hour, just to shut them up. She played favourites with the grandchildren. Threatened me when I was four months pregnant that I should "watch my back". Told everyone at a children's birthday party about the late miscarriage I'd had two weeks previously and that I was "emotionally closed off" so I had her pissed up mates following me around on a mission to get to me "open up about my grief". She played favourites with the grandchildren, favouring SILs DC over our DC. She would talk about days out she was going to have with her other grandchildren in front of our children, I remember one afternoon her talking about the railway museum and DS saying "I like trains too...." She told him to ask DH and I to take him one day then. I stopped taking them to her house when I walked in and overheard her and BIL saying "quick, here's DS, hide the toys!" because the toys were only for the other grandchildren, she then made the other grandchildren a snack and didn't even ask DS if he wanted anything despite him saying could he have some. She would arrange to see them and then cancel due to being ill or her DP being ill, then I'd find out they were actually out somewhere with the other grandchildren. DS was referred for assessments for ASD and ADHD, she told me he doesn't get it from her side of the family. She also said to me that DS reminds her of a specific cousin in their family who has severe learning difficulties, I said "because he's so happy like Cousin?" and she said "no, the Other Reason..." Then she started trying to play favourites between DD and DS, giving DD a lot more attention and expensive gifts while DS got nothing, which is when I drew the line and said I wouldn't allow it any longer.

We see them at functions and things and just treat them like we'd treat anyone else we don't know, she doesn't usually approach us anyway and the DC don't know her now so there are no awkward "why can't we speak to grandma?" moments. Family tried over the years to tell us we should forgive her because it's just what she's like so we should tolerate it, we eventually made it clear that anyone insisting on interfering would also find themselves NC and it stopped. Everyone accepts now that this is how it is.

26yrs of NC with emotionally abusive mother (&sister) . No regrets. After my Dad passed (I was 19)mother was pissed off I didn't just disappear when she met new man, called me a "millstone round her neck", wrote me nasty letters for the first year, didn't invite me for Xmas but bought me presents my sister delivered. I helped my mum househunt after my Dad di ed, got her a job, found her birth mother, spent hours supporting her, and was her company til she got a man: I am a v bad daughter apparently: because I had depression /grieved openly. Sister stole my vintage/antique jewellery :I couldn't find it when I went back to get last of my stuff after the millstone thing. It was in her room, she didn't say a word /wasn't bothered in least, just handed it over: & told me the millstone row/ thing was all my fault & stopped seeing me(I didn't mind that, but she spent years putting me down too, so no great loss). Once I looked back and realised all DM worries when my Dad was ill/died were for her and the money after it, I just reached my NC decision. (she knew he was insured, had v good work pension, but still obsessed re £).

My brother, absolutely horrible abusive manipulative cunt. He has autism but tbqh, you can have autism and still be a nasty person. He's proof of that.

It hurt my family a lot to see me drop him but they spent a lot of time excusing all of his behaviour and always expecting he got "another chance". No more of that from me. Was quite a shock to him I think once he knew I wasn't going to take the abuse any more.

My DH has only ever met his bioD once in his life. When the bioD said he would never tell his other children about my DH, DH decided not to pursue the relationship. It's sad because DH has no close family members, we have to make all the effort.
I wish they cared more about him, he doesn't deserve the way he is treated. X

Sarahjconnor, I think many of us don't see the full extent of how far from normal our situation is until we have children of our own. For me that's where the line was. I was brought up to believe that my mother's behaviour was normal and just assumed that everyone else lived on a knife edge and walking on eggshells like we did. Having my own children brought a whole new sharp focus and there was no way I was going to let them go through the same.

I went NC with my parents just over 2 years ago.

They have always treated me like I was stupid, never took me seriously at all.

Any mistake I made in my life, whether big or small, was a hilarious talking point to them, reminding me years and years later of these mistakes, even though I learned by them, got married and settled down.

Told other people, including family friends, that “Crumbs doesn’t know her own mind”. Eventually people started feeling sorry for me!

Then when I passed some exams, she told everybody how proud she was of me. But didn’t tell me. This was the same mother who wouldn’t allow me to sit my GCSEs at school, said I wouldn’t be able to cope, yet made me write letters to various organisations for her, ‘because you’re good at English, crumbs’. Funny how I wasn’t good enough when the exams came round and she made me leave school at Easter. With no qualifications, and no hope.
The only thing available for me was factory work, which I worked full time and overtime, physical hard work for years.

My hands still look like “workers hands” even after years of working in an office.

Yes, all of them. Apart from my Dad and my Mum’s brother.

They all behaved appallingly while my mum was dying and my brother especially after she died.

I went NC 9 months ago, and apparently SIL hadn’t realised because she just text (despite ignoring my kids birthdays and my dad for 9 months) asking if we want to go for a barbecue at their house. I blocked her again, she must have a new number.

The things my brother did make me hate the person being around him turns me into. He’s the most selfish, disgusting, arrogant and heartless bastard I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across.

The rest of them? Made it clear that because DP and I aren’t married we’re not good enough, so I stopped talking to them. No fight, no hurt, no animosity, I just saw them for what they are and removed myself from the situation.

So my lovely dad and my Mum's brother (he has literally no other family) are the only ones in our lives.

Was it worth it? Absolutely, especially my brother. I genuinely never want to lay eyes on that piece of shit again as long as I live. He said and did things that appalled and sickened me and he ought to be ashamed of himself. He’s not.

So aye, although I realise I sound very bitter in my post, going NC was the best thing that I’ve ever done.

The kids barely saw any of them anyway, and haven’t even noticed.

And there’s more to being family than biology. DPs family have been incredible throughout Mum’s illness and death, it was they who were there on the darkest days and they who were there for us. They’re my family.

I don’t know if this counts and they instigated it, but we are no contact with DH’s sister.
She fell out with us because we had a child-free ceremony and sit down meal at our wedding and she didn’t think it was right. We’ve been married for 7 years now. It’s got to the point that if she did decide to get over her mardy, I would tell her to fuck off as I just can’t be bothered (she’s a drama llama)

My dad went NC with me...five years back. Still don’t know why to this day. He speaks to my siblings and has a good relationship with them.

But we never were close I guess,

Who do you need to know, OP? Is it happening to you?

Yes I have, and yes it's awful. But necessary.

Yup. Been NC with my father and his wife for over twenty years. Emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive too. Wasn’t bothered about any sort of contact or support all the time I was a teen through uni etc.
After his mother died he seems to have decided he wants to see me and the kids.
I’ve since moved abroad (for other reasons) and he tracked me down and called me - they know where I live and have started sending cards etc (all get incinerated without opening.) I’ve blocked their number and if they turn up here they will get the police called on them.

My sister has changed her name and moved abroad as well to avoid them.

All very sad. Toxic people do a lot of damage. He’s totally oblivious to the damage he caused and has a whiny ‘oh poor me’ spiel he gives to the rest of the family and community. He genuinely cannot see what he did.