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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

have any of you ever went nc with a family member permantely?

99 replies

doorframe32 · 01/07/2018 11:53

I'm not talking about a fight that went on 6 months or 2 years, I am talking about a long term permanent nc arrangement that will likely never be resolved.

It is just that I was chatting to a colleague on Friday and she told me she went nc with her parents over a decade ago and hated them, she never said what it was about and I did not want to pry but I just wondered have you or any1 you know ever went long term nc with a family member and how long ago was it?
What was it over[you do not have to say this]?
Do you still see them at ocassions?
Do you think it was worth it?

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 01/07/2018 19:15

NC with MIL for about 5 years now. I was never really treated as a DIL but her second husbands DILs were idolised. In an effort to try to get on we went away on holiday with them (their idea), during the weekend he belittled her and talked to her like she was a simpleton, when I commented on his behaviour I was told that it was just his way. MIL is a bloody doormat and her husband is a buffoon.

CrumbsInBed · 01/07/2018 19:16

@doorframe32, the final straw was just before I went to Mexico for my 50th birthday. It was on Xmas Day when she rang, saying how lucky and surprised she was that I was going to Mexico.

Like I was t good enough to be taken to such a country...

She then said that when coming out of Mexico, I just needed my passport and boarding card. Now having been to Mexico before (which she had ‘forgotten’ about), I knew I had to pay an exit fee at the airport, so I said to her, are you sure I just need my boarding pass and passport? She said yes. Nothing else I need? No. Really? No, like I said, just your boarding card and passport. I went along with it for a bit longer, when I couldn’t take it any longer and put the phone down.

Now, who in their right mind would deliberately omit such an important piece of information like that? I know that the tour operator would have made sure we knew anyway, but why try to put your child into a situation of inconvenience? Because they thought I’d believe them....
Because they still thought I was stupid...

I went NC after that, just sent them a text. I wsnt going to go round and tell them to their faces, as they would have laughed and twisted things round to make it look like all was my fault...because they think I’m stupid.

I don’t regret it at all.

houseofrabbits · 01/07/2018 19:25

How do people go no contact? I am very low contact with my Dad, but would like to cut him out of my life completely. Do I tell him I never want to speak to him again? Do I just ignore his phone calls and messages until he gets the idea? I don't know how to go about it!

SleepPatternOfABat · 01/07/2018 19:26

It builds up, doesn't it? Till one day you see it. Like a Banksy on the wall.

Metoodear · 01/07/2018 19:27

Been NC with BM since I was 14 she physically abused me and NC with sisters and BF for about 15 years now feel so much better for it they add nothing barr

Misery

SleepPatternOfABat · 01/07/2018 19:27

house I hung up mid phone call and ignored all further contact.

Metoodear · 01/07/2018 19:30

houseofrabbits
I think it depends if it’s a massive thing then just stop contact they will know themselves
Why they are getting ghosted

If it’s a buildup of little things short text explaining you no longer want contact delete block all communication

Darwinstheory · 01/07/2018 19:37

Yes, both parents. My mother I went NC two years before she died from her 30 year alcohol habit. She was always a difficult, temperamental, explosive woman and as a child I both loved her and was scared of her. My teens were a haze of having to listen to my parents drunken arguments over lack of money (although there was always money for drink and cigarettes) my mother was drinking more and more but didn't want to stop. I was kicked out at 17 when I got sick of being spoken to like dirt and started standing up for myself - the lack of control over me sent her temper over the edge. This went on for years and years after I married and had children of my own yet my weak father sat back and allowed the abuse to carry on as he was afraid of her. She must have been bipolar as sometimes she was lovely and appeared to love her GC's then she'd be back nasty and drunk towards us. I supported my father for many years throughout everything despite feeling very let down by him - he never stood up for me over anything.
She eventually died of sepsis and liver cirrhosis and I hoped my father and I could get a bit closer, I helped him arrangements the paperwork, funeral etc.
He had other ideas and promptly moved another argumentative and volatile woman into his home (he started seeing her two weeks after my mother died). It was ok though as she wasn't a drinker Hmm and I was expected to think the sun shone out of her arse. The pattern of allowing THIS new woman who was a stranger to me to speak to me like dirt started all over again and I told him in no uncertain terms I wasn't putting up with it again.
He decided NC and hasn't seen me or his only grandchildren for 3 years now. I hope he's very happy in the bed he's made for himself as there will be no way on earth I will let him back into my life. The hurt has run too deep.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2018 19:41

We’re NC with PIL and life is considerably better.

I wish my parents had gone NC with my mum’s parents. They were so toxic, dysfunctional and hurtful. They hated my dad, which as a child is awful to know. They manipulated by mum, kept her living in fear and made her life miserable. There were some alright things about them but they weren’t worth it.

Not having grandparents is so much better than having grandparents who model unhealthy dynamics and hurt your patents. My mum is amazing and I was very young when I realised how unhappy they made her. That nothing she could ever do would make them praise or love her properly.

It’s had a big impact on my boundaries as an adult. There is no shame in drawing a line to protect yourself and your family from manipulation and abuse. Yes I’ve learnt from what my parents didn’t manage to do - escape the FOG - but I wish they’d modelled a healthier dynamic and not put up with the endless shit before or hurt their children too.

MrsTWH · 01/07/2018 19:47

Yes, I am NC with my brother and SIL. Evil, manipulative, narcissistic, materialistic, you name it. 11 years and they have not met either of my children. And they never will!
I won’t even inform him of our mother’s death when the time comes. I am well rid.

CrumbsInBed · 01/07/2018 19:53

Toxic people do a lot of damage. He’s totally oblivious to the damage he caused and has a whiny ‘oh poor me’ spiel he gives to the rest of the family and community. He genuinely cannot see what he did

@Yarnswift. My Mum sent me a message after my text, saying ‘what have I done to you to deserve this? Same thing. She cannot see what she’s done wrong, yet deliberately did these things all those years ago.

It’s like they think they are entitled to do whatever they want to us, as they think we are an extension of them, rather than adults with our own minds.

The book Toxic parents by Susan Forward helped me a lot, btw, I couldn’t put it down. My parents are in that book.

stabbypokey · 01/07/2018 19:57

6 years NC with my sister. We have met at Grand parents’ funerals. Pleased that we can be civil (for my mums sake at the funerals).She is blocked on my phone/social media. I have agreed to go to a BBQ hosted by my Dad. I will stay for four hours, before she gets pissed and lays into me. I want us to be able to have practical talks as our parents get older. Mum says my sister is ‘getting better’ and less volatile. I’ll never stick around long enough to find that one out.

houseofrabbits · 01/07/2018 20:04

@Metoodear it's been a build up for about 17 years, but a recent incident has been the straw that broke the camels back really. After a string of unpleasant and somewhat abusive messages I realised that I don't have to put up with this for the rest of my life. I haven't responded to the messages and I'm just hoping that consistent ignoring of all contact attempts will get the message across.

fieryginger · 01/07/2018 20:14

I had a family member go NC with his mother, my aunt until she was on her death bed. He messaged me desperately trying to get a message to his mom who, at this point was in a coma and close to death. She died, she didn't get the message and, this particular row, was pathetic.

If you're choosing to cut people from your life, there are many, many valid reasons. Theirs was not. Very sad to witness.

MorningsEleven · 01/07/2018 20:31

Four years here since I went NC with my mother. My sibling and father went NC with me soon after. I moved 200 miles and told very few people my address. Haven't seen my mother again, have no desire to. I missed my sister's wedding and my Dad's funeral to avoid her.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 01/07/2018 21:27

I went NC with my mother about 4 years ago. It had been coming for a long time. She was a narcissistic alcoholic and had successfully ran me into the ground years before. I finally called quits on our relationship when my kids emotional well-being was put in danger.

I don't attend family gatherings. I actually ended up cutting off the entire family in order to get away from the woman fully. The hardest part so far was not acknowledging or attending my great nans funeral. Sadly, needs must.

Mine and my husbands numbers were changed, we have completely locked down social media and moved house within a year of going NC to stop her from being able to get in touch with me (there was a period where we thought we would have to get police involved due to harassing contact).

LostwithSawyer · 01/07/2018 21:34

Been NC with my mother for 15yrs.
Abuse and neglect that I couldn't get over or forgive.
Don't live near each other never bumped into each other.
BUT this yr my sister is having a big birthday party. And low & behold who has she invited?

StarUtopia · 01/07/2018 21:37

Not spoken to MIL for 5 years. She hasn't even met one of our children. DH hasn't spoken to her for about 18 months now. Far too long a story but things are much easier and healthier without contact.

The only thing that bothers me..I was thinking the other day...god forbid...if anything happened to DH, would I tell them? Because obviously it would be the right thing to do but given the reasons why we don't speak to her, I really wouldn't want her there at a funeral with our children!

What do other people do? Or think they would do in this scenario?

hungryhippo90 · 01/07/2018 22:09

Yes, I went NC with my mother some four years ago.
My childhood was awful. She hyped me up on skittles and Fanta and told me to spit at social workers and be really happy and loud- so she got free childcare for me when I was about 3. I was the same age when she gave me cigarettes to smoke because it was funny that I copied her motions, I was sexually abused at the same age, I also had an iron fall on me within that same year. I had 3 step dads in as many years, she went on to marry my dads brother.
We were never clean, we were trampy children who lacked many of the basic neccessities. She allowed her husband to beat the shit out of us, and admitted that she enjoyed seeing us cry when she would hit us.
She left me for hours on end looking after my siblings who all had behavioural issues, from the age of 7, by 8 I was getting my younger sibling read your for school and leaving the house to walk her to her school by the time I was 8, one day my sister ran away from the playground and I ran home crying and I remember my step dad telling me that it was all my fault and smashing my head off the wall, she was found and nothing was said of it again. I went entire school terms without PE kits and school shoes. I missed upto 40% of the academic year (I’ve seen school reports from then) when she did buy me clothes they were usually boys clothes and far too big. I wore trainers until there were numerous holes in them. I spent much of my childhood bringing up my siblings and telling social services things weren’t bad at home, because she made me believe life would have been worse out of their house.

I can’t get into words just how sad and lonely my childhood was.

I fell pregnant at 16, she wasn’t too bothered by that, but she did chuck me and my daughter out when she was 3 months old. I was suffering with postnatal depression, and she said I was so grumpy it was affecting her... I knew to keep quiet and well out of the way by that point so it wasn’t true.
I met my now husband and she lost any control she had. I had a cancer scare, she told me she would take my daughter away because what kind of mother would let her child see her die?! I feared social services coming to my door all the time I was having tests. At that point I was only 20!

Final straw was when I was getting married 4 years ago, she was jealous. Last time I spoke to her she told me what an awful undeserving person I was.

I cried for two days straight,

She made my sister leave my wedding, and stopped the family from seeing my daughter.

She tried to get back into our lives about 3 years ago, we have moved on and are happier without her around.

When she does I will not even go to her funeral. I put up with her shit for over 20 years. She’s controlling, manipulative and I want no part in it. She was no sort of mother, and I find it funny that I am the only one of her children that has a half decent life, the others- well let’s just say, the apple didn’t fall far from that tree.

There’s no way back, I’m happier without her in my life though.

mrcharlie · 01/07/2018 23:01

Not had any contact with 2 of my siblings for the past 6yrs
Told parents to not bother visiting anymore
Will not be attending ANY family members Weddings, Birthdays or Funerals.
Hope never to see any of them ever again.

My life and my mental state has improved dramatically since NC

Flobalob · 01/07/2018 23:32

I went NC with my Mum in my teens over 20 years ago.

Seen her a few times, not through my choice.

Absolutely no regrets whatsoever. In my head, the mother I knew as a kid as good as well died when I was 15. I love her but I just can't have her in my life. She's a narcissist.

Amalfimamma · 01/07/2018 23:35

From my brother. It's been 26 years this month. His abuse (mental and physical) was too much to take and when he left me in the hospital I moved out (I was 16) and haven't talked to him since. He did come to my wedding but he ignored me as I did him.

AjasLipstick · 02/07/2018 03:33

Doorframe no because I emigrated. The few events that we had which he might have been at, I chose not to attend. My family all forgive him his behaviour which is truly awful.

If I lived in England still, I would not go to anything he would be attending.

hungryhippo90 · 02/07/2018 12:16

Funny how many of us completely avoid any situation and person that you may have in common with the people you’ve gone NC with.
I avoid everyone in my life from my childhood. Any extended family members, family friends, friends who even had my mother on Facebook

The count is a few birthday parties, a funeral and 3 weddings I’ve avoided, plus moving an hour away.

doorframe32 · 08/07/2018 13:59

Sorry for late responses, very interesting these reads, I would find it hard to go nc as it inevitably damages all the relationships- seems if you go nc with 1 sibling or parent then you sometimes have to cut the them all out as collateral.

OP posts: