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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends husband & Wattsapp

58 replies

user7469322 · 01/07/2018 10:26

My friends husband wattsapps me photos and videos quite regularly. We have daft (and very brief) conversations about the stuff he sends. They’re just humorous, they make me laugh and absorb some of the boredom from my day. I don’t want my friend to get the wrong idea (although I don’t think she would but might wonder why she wasn’t aware?), should I mention it to her? My own husband regularly has text conversations with another woman of which he doesn’t know I know (this isn’t the point of this post though), so I feel I should be honest with my friend (of which I am all the time anyway as she has trust issues) but I really don’t want her to think I’ve been coming on to him as he’s not my sort, I’m not his sort and it’s 101% platonic friendship on my side. I know how I feel knowing my husband messages this other girl and although not the same sort of messages, I’d hate my friend to feel the same. How to approach?

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 01/07/2018 10:28

If you're really concerned about this just mention in passing next time you talk that "oh, your DH cracked me up the other day with that meme about..." but I think you're overthinking this personally

MaisyPops · 01/07/2018 10:31

Honestly, if it's friendly chat and not crossing any lines then what is there to tell?
I don't tell my DH every time I message a friend (regardless of sex) & he doesn't tell me every time he messages someone.

Maybe I'm coming at this from a different view but I don't think going out of your way to declare everything is a sign of trust, if anything it's a sign of lack of trust.

Put it this way, if you and your friend were talking about something and it reminded you of something her DH sent, would you be happy saying 'that's funny, it's like what Mark sent me the other day, look'?

If you'd be happy doing that then let it be. If you'd not be happy doing that then you've crossed a line and should distance yourself from the messages.

mzsink · 01/07/2018 10:35

I think there's more to this.

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 10:39

@kitkatsky @MaisyPops

Thankyou, i’ll approach it the way you’ve both suggested. Yes I probably am overthinking it, I just know friend has trust issues and because of this, I always want to be honest with her.

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Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 10:40

@mzsink

There’s nothing more to it on my part and a i VERY much doubt there is from him. This couple are like a brother and sister to me.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/07/2018 10:52

How would this look from her point of view?

Are you talking every day? Is this a "sometimes we talk" thing, or a "my husband and my best friend chat constantly every day secretly" thing?

Shumpalumpa · 01/07/2018 11:01

I wouldn't worry about it. If you're concerned, how about setting up a Whatsapp group between you, your friend and her DH? Might be fun for your friend to take part too.

It sounds like your Dh is questionable, so maybe don't add him.

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 11:02

It’s a “sometimes we talk” kinda thing. I talk to him when she’s there, sometimes when she’s not. Nothing sinister.

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Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 11:05

@Shumpalumpa

Good suggestion. My husband has shown no interest at all in getting to know them so he wouldn’t be included either way!!

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Lovestonap · 01/07/2018 11:07

If your friends has trust issues why is this? Has her husband been inappropriate/unfaithful in the past?

Juells · 01/07/2018 11:08

I wouldn't think it's worth the hassle, and I'd stop replying and if he asks why say you feel it's a bit inappropriate as you don't like your DH messaging another woman.

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 11:09

@Lovestonap

I don’t think so, I think it all stems from her childhood in all honesty. Her parents used to beat her, especially her dad.

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Serendipite · 01/07/2018 11:25

If you're friends too with the husband, it's ok. You could mention it in passing though. Maybe say, "x told me the other day that...." so she knows you talk to each other.

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 11:31

@Serendipite

I’ll do that when I next see her, thankyou.

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gamerchick · 01/07/2018 11:34

I'm thinking you're focusing on the wrong thing here, is your husband behaving inappropriately with another woman? Are you wanting him to notice you're messaging another man?

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 11:37

@gamerchick

No not at all. He knows I’m friends with the other guy anyway, has never said anything about it but then I’m vague as he’s gets stupidly jealous about nothing. And there is nothing to be jealous of. Both husbands know me and friend are very close, and at the end of the day, it’s just simply about me not wanting her to question anything.

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Juells · 01/07/2018 12:46

he knows I’m friends with the other guy anyway, has never said anything about it but then I’m vague as he’s gets stupidly jealous about nothing.

Hmm Wheels within wheels Hmm

I don't see why you feel the need to keep messaging your friend's husband, if you know she's insecure. FFS back off. I don't buy your innocent explanations.

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 13:41

He messages me first @Juells all the time. There’s no need to be suspicious.

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UpstartCrow · 01/07/2018 13:47

If he isn't also sending her funny memes and jokes then she is going to feel hurt and excluded. There's no good reason for that to be between 2 people and not openly in a group.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2018 13:49

Invite his wife to join the group.

Don't invite your husband - get your ducks in order with that guy.

Juells · 01/07/2018 13:55

@HollowTalk

Invite his wife to join the group.

Oh, good idea. No matter how innocent, I wouldn't be sharing jokey messages with someone else's husband, unless she was involved as well.

KittyKlaws · 01/07/2018 13:58

I always think if you are asking questions about it online you are already aware there is an issue - what you want is for everyone to validate it. These threads are always the same.

If you are asking you probably already know the answer.

MaisyPops · 01/07/2018 13:59

Invite his wife to join the group.
I'd be a bit weirded out if any of my friends (male or female) felt it was appropriate to add their partners to our chats. Confused It would probably also flag them as potentially one of those people who tells their partner everything their friends have told them in confidence using 'but they're my partner and best friend and we have no secrets at all' as a nauseating excuse.

Either it's innocent in which case chats within the friendship are between the friends or it's not innocent in which case stop messaging.

Juells · 01/07/2018 14:02

Jeez, I'm a real straw in the wind 🤣 Now that I've seen @MaisyPops post I'm thinking "Yes, that's true".

Original poster
user7469322 · 01/07/2018 14:11

I’m going to suggest a group wattsapp. She probably already knows that he sends them tbh, but I think if anything these would be the least of her worries as he has bent over backwards to help me out a few times recently and if she didn’t trust him/me then she’d have said no, don’t.

Just to reiterate though, there is absolutely no interest from me towards him. As I previous said, they’re like a brother and sister to me.

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