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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this man showed his true colours

54 replies

Specky12 · 01/07/2018 08:13

My mum left my dad and got with another man very quickly (she wasn't having an affair) and she moved him in within weeks. He has seemed ok, if anything a bit too keen to impress, he is overly generous and thoughtful, he avoids giving too much away in case he offends - for example he refuses to discuss religion or politics in case we are at odds. But he makes mum happy, never seen her happier. He takes her on exotic holidays, expensive meals, is affectionate and although I had reservations due to the speed they got together it's been a year and he hasn't put a foot wrong. (However I have to say I feel like he is not always being himself as he just seems too good to be true and like he is playing a part when I see him, it's just a vibe I get but possibly because I am over cautious because he is with my mum)

Last night we went for a family meal at a quite expensive and posh place, his parents and adult child and our family including my bro and his kids so there were lots of us. They got the order wrong due to a miscommunication and half of us had no food. He asked to speak to the manager and went to one side, I heard him shouting at the lady and went to get a drink which meant I was in hearing shot. He was really laying into this lady to the point she told him she felt intimidated and asked him to calm down. They didn't charge us for the meal and corrected the order but the manager looked visably shaken. I left last and checked she was ok and she said she'd had worse but she obviously still upset.

I get that it's annoying when orders are wrong and he was probably stressed about us all getting on and the merging of our families etc but I was shocked to see this normally calm and chilled man be so confrontational to a young woman. Am I over reacting and reading too deep? My mum thinks he was heroic for sorting things and getting the meal free! I think that even when places mess up there is no reason to treat someone like shit and become intimidating, ever.

I haven't said anything but it's playing on my mind and I think it shows a side of him not seen before and is a red flag. Aibu to think that this man has shown his true colours and that this one example is enough to cause concern?

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 01/07/2018 08:16

I agree with you and I would be very worried.
Would your mum listen to your concerns?

littlepeas · 01/07/2018 08:17

I think the way people treat staff in restaurants says a huge amount about them. I agree this behaviour is a red flag.

JustGettingStarted · 01/07/2018 08:17

I would be concerned, too. I think talking like that to servers is a big red flag.

It's odd that he's always been so calm and polite until now.

Loopytiles · 01/07/2018 08:17

Agree, definitely cause for concern. Also, your gut instincts are not to trust him.

Your mum acted rashly in moving in with someone she barely knew. Is it just the two of them living there?

NancyDonahue · 01/07/2018 08:23

I wouldn't want to be with a man who treats people in that way, even as a one off, it would definitely change how I saw him. Its frustrating when a meal goes wrong but no one deserves to be shouted at and intimidated. I would keep a close eye on him, op.

Original poster

Specky12 · 01/07/2018 08:23

My little sister (15) lives with them. She adores him.
My mum would not hear a word against him and I actually think I would risk our relationship if I said anything. I have never seen her so besotted, she is like a different person since getting with him.

OP posts:

spotthedot · 01/07/2018 08:27

Sounds worrying. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do except keep an eye out for your mum and be there if it start to fall apart.

Loopytiles · 01/07/2018 08:33

So your mum has failed your DSIS. That’s sad. Her behaviour seems worrying.

I would tell her what you’ve witnessed and that it concerned you. And tell him that his behaviour that evening towards the manager was unacceptable.

If your DMcuts you off because of that you could tell her your door is open and seek to maintain contact with DSIS.

Original poster

Specky12 · 01/07/2018 08:43

If I say anything I risk losing my mum, she has cut off lots of friends who dared to question her new relationship. My dad was emotionally abusive to her for years and when she left him she was very vulnerable. Also, if I let on I have concerns he will continue with the mask around me, or push me away further so I cannot monitor or know what is going on which leaves mum and sister even more vulnerable...

OP posts:

CoughLaughFart · 01/07/2018 08:43

I wouldn’t necessarily be worried about him having a go at a waitress - but I would be worried about how out of character it seems. Is he hiding something?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2018 08:46

Yes he is putting on a good act for her, I don't think she is in a good position to identify a healthy and good relationship. His veneer dropped yesterday and you saw him for what he really is. It won't be long until he starts treating her like that.

MairzyDoats · 01/07/2018 08:47

Keep your powder dry for the time being... You now know he has another side to him, but as you say, if you let on that you know you may either be alienated by them all, or he'll try even harder to convince you he's legit. Stay friendly and very very watchful.

Loonoon · 01/07/2018 08:48

It could be a one off but I agree that this would make me wary. As would the not discussing religion and politics- is he worried he won’t be able to keep his temper if there are disagreements?

I would try and mention it casually to your mum when you are on your own “X really went for it in that restaurant last week, I’ve not seen that side of him before’ and see how she responds. Also keep communicating with your sister (without criticising him)mos she has someone to turn to if needed.

henpeckedinchief · 01/07/2018 08:49

I agree that this shows a side of him that is really unpleasant. The best and most generous interpretation is that he was having a bad day and under an enormous amount of stress and pressure, and so he took it out on the manager. But that is still worrying - what if it is your sister or mum he takes it out on next time?

I will say that him being so awful to the manager doesn't necessarily mean that he will be awful to your mum and sister. Some people are wonderful to those they perceive as equals, and vile to those they see as 'beneath' them. This could mean he is a horrible person, but not one who poses a danger to your family.

You say you risk alienating them by trying to talk to them. I think that means your only option is to leave them to it, but keep the door open in case they need support in the future - especially your sister. Make sure she knows she can always come to you and you will always listen without judgment.

I'm sorry OP - you're in a very difficult position

SharpieHorder · 01/07/2018 08:49

I wonder what would it take for this man to turn on your family in this way, when a mistake with a restaurant meal turns him from Jekyll to Hyde.

You risk isolating DM by criticising him, though, and aside from the lovely holidays she is probably emotionally dependant on him.

The scales need to fall from her eyes, but I've no suggestion about what you can do because I think that suppressed rage (which is what he has) may harm DM.

He has shown his true colours, you are right. There is no excuse for being rude to waiting staff in my book, it's unnecessary and counter-productive.

AnnaMagnani · 01/07/2018 08:53

Sooo, there are a lot of red flags here.

Your mum has been in an EA relationship so has poor skills at recognising a good one, she's effectively been love bombed by Mr Too Good to be True, every thing is happening far too quickly and she is getting socially isolated from her friends. And he's horrible to restaurant staff.

I would say your senses are correct and it is sadly only a matter of time before he turns out like the last man.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 01/07/2018 08:55

It wouldn't be cause for massive concern. My Mum would react similarly because she does not know how to handle conflict and feels the only way her voice can be heard is through anger. On the flip side she's the most supportive, giving, selfless person on the planet.

None of us are perfect.

MoonsAndJunes · 01/07/2018 08:56

Do you think that her new partner is pushing you out? Your Mum is besotted so won't hear a bad word said against him so might do the same if you criticise him?
In your situation I would 'Keep my enemies close' Play happy families and don't give any of them a reason to think you have your suspicions.
Watch and listen though... time will tell.

Tara336 · 01/07/2018 08:59

One of my friends is always really rude to restaurant staff to the point I dreaded eating out with her as it was always silly complaints ie the salad dressing is on my salad not on the side so I can do it .. then the food would be sent back. I’d always feel awkward and embarrassed as she would be abrupt and rude as if the staff were below her! BUT in every other way she’s a nice person and I couldn’t fault her, so it is possible that this man is decent and just has the same shitty attitude as my friend (who I never eat out with now)

MoonsAndJunes · 01/07/2018 09:00

Agree that she might have been 'love bombed'... not a good thing.

nohopemate · 01/07/2018 09:00

If I say anything I risk losing my mum, she has cut off lots of friends who dared to question her new relationship

So it's not just you who has concerns then? Maybe her extreme defensiveness about this relationship says that she has some concerns too that she is burying deep inside?

I don't really know what to advise. Maybe woman's Aid could advise the best way to handle this?

nohopemate · 01/07/2018 09:05

as she would be abrupt and rude as if the staff were below her!

But that isn't how this man behaved. He was so aggressive the manager said she felt intimidated by him. He also took her aside to speak to her, which indicates he didn't want the OP and the others to see how he was going to behave.

Original poster

Specky12 · 01/07/2018 09:06

I don't know about being pushed out by him, although it's hard to acknowledge I have no doubt that mum would choose this man over any family member including me and my siblings. She was never maternal and found being a mum hard, she is loving having the life she always dreamt of with no responsibility, treated like a princess, holidays, meals. They drink lots and party hard - they are like a couple of loved up teenagers. I love seeing her so alive and happy after years of not being, I want her to be happy, but I just have reservations about this man and last night compounded this.

OP posts:

FiestaThenSiesta · 01/07/2018 09:08

I don’t know. You’re projecting a lot from one incident and I’m guessing it’s because you saw the previous abusive relationship your mum was in. Was that to your father?

I lost my shit at Boots the other day. I bet that staff member called me “aggressive”. I bet she didn’t mention the fact I repeated myself in a calm matter 4 times and she rudely shut me down by telling me that the conversation that I told her about couldn’t have happened. Why do people who weren’t there tell you you must be remembering it wrong and that didn’t happen? As if they were there? Instead of saying, you should have been informed of x and y, which is our policy and I’m sorry to hear you’re telling me this wasn’t your experience.

Original poster

Specky12 · 01/07/2018 09:09

It wasn't so much as friends had a problem with the new relationship, but she was criticised by moving on so quick. My dad is emotionally abusive but charming to everyone else and has totally acted like a victim while mum is the Scarlett woman, so mum has lost lots of friends over this.

OP posts:

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