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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man showed his true colours

54 replies

Specky12 · 01/07/2018 08:13

My mum left my dad and got with another man very quickly (she wasn't having an affair) and she moved him in within weeks. He has seemed ok, if anything a bit too keen to impress, he is overly generous and thoughtful, he avoids giving too much away in case he offends - for example he refuses to discuss religion or politics in case we are at odds. But he makes mum happy, never seen her happier. He takes her on exotic holidays, expensive meals, is affectionate and although I had reservations due to the speed they got together it's been a year and he hasn't put a foot wrong. (However I have to say I feel like he is not always being himself as he just seems too good to be true and like he is playing a part when I see him, it's just a vibe I get but possibly because I am over cautious because he is with my mum)

Last night we went for a family meal at a quite expensive and posh place, his parents and adult child and our family including my bro and his kids so there were lots of us. They got the order wrong due to a miscommunication and half of us had no food. He asked to speak to the manager and went to one side, I heard him shouting at the lady and went to get a drink which meant I was in hearing shot. He was really laying into this lady to the point she told him she felt intimidated and asked him to calm down. They didn't charge us for the meal and corrected the order but the manager looked visably shaken. I left last and checked she was ok and she said she'd had worse but she obviously still upset.

I get that it's annoying when orders are wrong and he was probably stressed about us all getting on and the merging of our families etc but I was shocked to see this normally calm and chilled man be so confrontational to a young woman. Am I over reacting and reading too deep? My mum thinks he was heroic for sorting things and getting the meal free! I think that even when places mess up there is no reason to treat someone like shit and become intimidating, ever.

I haven't said anything but it's playing on my mind and I think it shows a side of him not seen before and is a red flag. Aibu to think that this man has shown his true colours and that this one example is enough to cause concern?

OP posts:
Original poster
Specky12 · 01/07/2018 09:16

@FiestaThenSiesta
Yes it was my dad.
And you're right I probably am seeing more than what was there, I do feel protective of mum and sister. I feel like mum has been a victim of the body snatchers because she has changed so much, but that's ok if it means she is happy...

OP posts:
Boredisboring · 01/07/2018 09:19

My stepfather was exactly the same. It seemed as though he went out looking for a fight. He was particularly agressive in the early stages of their relationship because I think that he wanted everything to be perfect for my mother. I can only imagine how he would have reacted in the situation that you have described; poor service would have been an affront to his manly ability to provide for the new family.

He mellowed (a bit) over the years and never came close to being agressive towards my mum. It was a lovely relationship.

VelvetSpoon · 01/07/2018 09:20

You only heard one side of the conversation. I went out to eat recently and there was a problem with our order. A member of staff came to speak to us and was horrendously patronising and repeatedly spoke over us. In those circumstances a raised voice was entirely justified. And it doesn't seem like this was a small issue like one person receiving the wrong dish or their food being lukewarm, you say half of your large group didn't receive any food. That's pretty shit and I'm sure if I made a complaint and was let's say being fobbed off, I would raise my voice too. Why on earth should anyone accept poor service? Perhaps the manager just isn't used to being told where she is doing a poor job.

As for religion and politics, I would never discuss that with people I don't know well either. Why does it matter? I voted for Brexit, lots of people I know didn't. It's not something I raise as a discussion because I don't feel the need to justify my position. And surely get togethers with family and friends should be fun occasions, not an episode of Question Time.

The only red flag for me is the speed they moved in together but that's been and gone tbh.

SuitedandBooted · 01/07/2018 09:23

At this stage, you can't be 100% certain if he's a two-faced charmer, or if he was having an exceptionally bad, stressed day, and reacted out of character.
Just keep seeing them when you can, and invite your siblings out without your mum and her boyfriend from time to time. That will give them a chance to confide in you, if they need to.

I think you are right to be wary, given your mum's previous choices.

SerenDippitty · 01/07/2018 09:34

It could just have been that he was heavily overinvested in everything going well that evening as it seems to have been a significant event with the families getting together and everything and didn’t want anything to spoil it?

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 09:38

Yanbu - He does sound like a bit of a bully from the restaurant story. I think I might have said something at the time, maybe now you've seen that side of him youll be prepared for it

stevesmithsmum · 01/07/2018 10:00

Look, I get the thing about how you treat staff says a lot about you character.

But haven’t we all had a rant or a tanti from time to time? Or maybe it’s just me?:)

Anyway, I doubt someone could keep up a charade for a year and more importantly why on earth would they want to?

I really think it’s worth giving him the benifit of the doubt. If I got Manuel from taking my dinner order I suspect I’d turn into a bit of a basil too.

JugglingMummyof2 · 01/07/2018 10:04

I would not judge hime harshly for this because:
Half of you had no food in an expensive restaurant - this is very bad because in these places there are usually enough well trained staff that the server should have realised and if not the server, then whoever was running the floor.
Good food and service is a fair expectation and why he chose to pay a premium to eat there -he didn't get it.
He took her to one side - didn't berate her in front of the table.

Your Mum is happy, your sister loves him, he is making an effort with you all. Green flags for me.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/07/2018 10:15

You can sort out restaurant disputes without shouting at staff

George199 · 01/07/2018 10:41

So the more expensive the restaurant the more I can throw a strop if something goes amiss? If Chicken Cottage forget my wings I must creep out silently, head bowed. If the posh eatery with the celebrity chef forgets my ducks livers stuffed with mashed unicorn hearts then I can create a shocking scene, throwing a chair or a saucepan at the wait staff and bellowing like a fish-wife. All righty then.

FiestaThenSiesta · 01/07/2018 16:23

“I can create a shocking scene, throwing a chair or a saucepan at the wait staff and bellowing like a fish-wife. All righty then.”

Yeah except you’re just making that up and none of it happened. Also it’s wasnt a single order. If a restaurant fucked up so spectacularly that half the table in a large group was without food, you would expect the manager to be at that table profusely apologising to everyone loudly and offering complimentary drinks and nibbles while you wait. The fact that he had to sort it out away from the table says to me the restaurant manager wasn’t doing a good job in apologising for her staff’s errors and appeasing her customers.

JugglingMummyof2 · 02/07/2018 06:32

Exactly FiestaThenSiesta and of course not George99
In Chicken Cottage, which I would assume is a cheap and cheerful restaurant, you are likely served by a young person who has maybe not had years of training. Additionally they are unlikely to have a supervisor whose sole role is to ensure the smooth running of the restaurant and if they forgot ONE item then you would just mention it and get it sorted. Ditto your Unicorn heart starter in a 'posh eatery' - though you might be a bit more surprised.
However this was half a table without food in what should have been a professionally run establishment with plenty of staff and an expectation of good service and a safety net for errors.

GetAwayFromHer · 02/07/2018 06:39

I wouldn't judge him too harshly because who hasn't shouted at a waitress? You weren't there and you don't know your mum, so keep your nose out Hmm

Smushrooms · 02/07/2018 06:50

"Who hasn't shouted at a waitress?"

Me, and a lot of other people I hope. I didn't know that it was a routine thing. I've encountered a number of mistakes in restaurants, had a room related one in a hotel yesterday, but I've never felt the need or that I had the right to shout at anyone and I'm not exactly known for my cool head.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/07/2018 07:03

If it's one incident I wouldn't be jumping to such large conclusions. From what you said, he didn't shout at the waitress (in fact, it seems he actively avoid putting all the pressure on the waitress by asking to speak with the manager and going to one side to address the issue?). He shouted at the manager but you have no idea what the manager said to him before he started to do this. It may be she had initially refused to take responsibility for it or had totally minimized the impact of the screw up. And it may be that he was a total ass to her from the first word he said. My point is that you just don't know.

I might gently mention it to your mum, in passing, not making a big deal about it, so that if she has seen similar or becomes concerned in the future, there is a foothold there for her to think she can talk to you about it. But you don't make it a big thing at this point where you really have no idea what actually happened.

GetAwayFromHer · 02/07/2018 07:07

Smushrooms

Yes, yes, but surely Managers deserve to be shouted at? As long as it's in earshot of a entire table at a family gathering? Hmm

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/07/2018 07:13

He shouldn’t have done it. It’s not something I’d do. However maybe he was incredibly stressed and it’s totally out of character. A one off. Therefor more forgivable. A year is enough to know someone well particularly when living together.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/07/2018 07:15

Lots of people shout. I think it’s a bit rubbish.

Lethaldrizzle · 02/07/2018 07:18

Labradoodle- but this is only the first time the op has witnessed it. It may have been happening behind closed doors already

outofmydepth45 · 02/07/2018 07:29

Potentially he could have found the whole thing incredibly stressful bringing the families together and it was starting to go astray. Then acted out of character.

I suggest you say nothing but keep your eyes open

Lethaldrizzle · 02/07/2018 07:35

If he can't cope with a restaurant order going wrong god knows how he'll cope in a truly stressful situation

Kitsandkids · 02/07/2018 07:57

I wouldn't judge him on one incident. Especially as it was a 'merging' meal with both families - he was probably stressed and desperate for everything to go well. That doesn't excuse him being rude but it explains it a little and I wouldn't be too worried over a one off.

I grew up with a dad with a bit of a bad temper. I remember once being in a shop with him when he almost reduced a staff member to tears because a sign said a special offer was on and actually it wasn't. I was mortified by the way he was going on and it was wrong of him. But, he was also a lovely man. Good with children, generous, charming, the life and soul of any party. Judging him by that one incident would have been wrong. So personally I would definitely not worry too much based on this one event.

Babybrainagain · 02/07/2018 07:59

Sorry to say this- they were having an affair!

52FestiveRoad · 02/07/2018 08:11

but this is only the first time the op has witnessed it. It may have been happening behind closed doors already

But it may not. People are jumping to all kinds of conclusions based on nothing but one stressful event when he behaved out of character (as far as OP has witnessed) He may well be a lovely man who just snapped because of the importance of the situation to him, wanting it all to go well. I would keep an open mind OP, I am sure you have shouted at people in the past, I think most people have if they are honest.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/07/2018 08:39

Ive just dumped a man who sounds similar to this....he would be rude to shop staff etc.....aggressive at times.....to others he was charming and generous....just keep an eye on him op x

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