To think this man showed his true colours

[Specky12]

My mum left my dad and got with another man very quickly (she wasn't having an affair) and she moved him in within weeks. He has seemed ok, if anything a bit too keen to impress, he is overly generous and thoughtful, he avoids giving too much away in case he offends - for example he refuses to discuss religion or politics in case we are at odds. But he makes mum happy, never seen her happier. He takes her on exotic holidays, expensive meals, is affectionate and although I had reservations due to the speed they got together it's been a year and he hasn't put a foot wrong. (However I have to say I feel like he is not always being himself as he just seems too good to be true and like he is playing a part when I see him, it's just a vibe I get but possibly because I am over cautious because he is with my mum)

Last night we went for a family meal at a quite expensive and posh place, his parents and adult child and our family including my bro and his kids so there were lots of us. They got the order wrong due to a miscommunication and half of us had no food. He asked to speak to the manager and went to one side, I heard him shouting at the lady and went to get a drink which meant I was in hearing shot. He was really laying into this lady to the point she told him she felt intimidated and asked him to calm down. They didn't charge us for the meal and corrected the order but the manager looked visably shaken. I left last and checked she was ok and she said she'd had worse but she obviously still upset.

I get that it's annoying when orders are wrong and he was probably stressed about us all getting on and the merging of our families etc but I was shocked to see this normally calm and chilled man be so confrontational to a young woman. Am I over reacting and reading too deep? My mum thinks he was heroic for sorting things and getting the meal free! I think that even when places mess up there is no reason to treat someone like shit and become intimidating, ever.

I haven't said anything but it's playing on my mind and I think it shows a side of him not seen before and is a red flag. Aibu to think that this man has shown his true colours and that this one example is enough to cause concern?

I have never shouted at anyone providing a service: it’s unacceptable!

You are completely correct to be worried but also there is nothing you can do right now. Focus on building a completely independent life as soon as possible. Make sure your sister knows that you will always have her back no matter what. As and when she sees his true colours if she is still a minor she will need help to escape. Don't go completely nc with your mum and do what you can to prepare for the day that her eyes are opened - but you cannot open her eyes for her.

Sadly it sounds like you mum is attracting the wrong sort of men (inc your dad as he was abusive). She’s gone from one shit relationship to something new an exciting, but in the process it seems that she has become a bit dependent on her new man if she’s cutting off anyone that has doubts.

If someone is genuinely a calm and collected person, they would remain calm and collecting in the minor inconvenience of a restaurant mistake. Absolutely no need to intimidate and shout

My mother told me that, whenever I went on a date with a man, I should see how he treats the staff.

However, I'd stay on the sidelines in this case. If you're wrong then all you'll do is stir up trouble; if you're right and voice your concerns, then the likelihood is your mother will cut ties with you (or he'll force/manipulate her to). Not only will that obviously cause you some distress, if she does end up leaving him because of his behaviour, she may not come to you because your relationship has been damaged Often people leaving abusive relationships find that their ex, or even themselves, have completely destroyed their support system.