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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Socks for my 40th Birthday

117 replies

Redheadsturnheads · 01/07/2018 07:10

Sanity check - I have a 15 week old baby so may be being hormonal.

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I said I didn’t want a big fuss ie I didn’t want a party like I had organised for my husband last year/ didn’t want to go away given we had our daughter christened last week and had over 50 people at that. I did say that I would like to go out for dinner without baby.

So during the week I asked who was babysitting on Saturday - cue blank stare from hubby. Followed by frantic texting to his sisters. He the. Started to call round to book a table - we live in a university town and it’s graduation season. He finally got a table booked. So far so good.

So normally he is really good at thoughtful gifts. Lovely jewellery and often surprises me with little things here and there. He had said that he had only got me something small - the girls in work had been teasing him about a ‘push present’ and I assumed he wanted to make it clear that he had t bought me a diamond the size of my head!!

The night before I opened a card from my parents (we have a difficult relationship at times), there was no message inside at all, not even signed and I was a bit upset. He said I know how to cheer you up - you can open my gift early.

So he hands me my gift. It was one of those moonpig type cards (no handwritten message) with a pair of socks. I genuinely assumed that this was a little gift a sort of amuse bouche before the main gift to be served on my actual birthday.

So no gift or handwritten card that morning. I assumed that ah - it must be coming over dinner....

Meanwhile my parents hadn’t even called to wish me a happy birthday and I was upset over that.

Getting ready to go out for dinner was as fraught as these things are with a 15 week old baby that’s breast fed what with pumping milk; tidying the house so my sil doesn’t call social services etc coupled with the fact that I look like a whale...

Dinner came and went and still no gift. By this stage I’m holding back the tears just desperate to leave the restaurant and he’s oblivious. Got back to the car and just sobbed. Told him it was because I was upset mum and dad hadn’t called because I didn’t want him to think I was being a brat.

He’s normally so thoughtful. I’m upset because my parents are either huffing with me for some unspecified reason or forgot it was my birthday or both and all I got was a pair of f&ckinng socks.

So after my SIL left I told him I was more than a bit upset about the socks and lack of handwritten card and that I felt like a totally unloved fat whale and that I had a miserable 40th birthday. I haven’t slept all night because I feel so unloved.

I should say that I was 20 weeks pregnant on his 40th still manage to organise and host a party for 50 people; get a special cake and organised several nice gifts for him and also arranged a dinner out for just the two of us and felt bad I couldn’t do more because I was flat out with work and o was pregnant....

So am I being an ungrateful brat?

OP posts:

GertrudeCB · 01/07/2018 07:14

Yadnbu to feel upset or pissed off, but the first few months with a baby can be such a whirlwind that he may be a bit baby brained himself. What was you dh's reply about the socks?

Strax · 01/07/2018 07:15

No, you're not, that sounds pretty shit. What was his response?
It's not about being 'greedy' or ungrateful and wanting an expensive present, it's a measure of his regard (or lack of it!) for you. A pair of socks for a 40th?!?!
and happy birthday Redheads

KatyN · 01/07/2018 07:16

My dad was working away on my mum’s 40. She hadn’t 3 year old sister and was pregnant with me. He left her present hidden. It was a pair of maternity trousers.
This was 32 years ago and he still gets ribbed about it.

Very thoughtless if your husband. It might be he’s finding a 15 week old hard too. Tell him he can honour your 40th a month late and pull his finger out.

MrsMozart · 01/07/2018 07:18

Aw. Happy Birthday lass.

You're not being at all unreasonable. He needs a boot up the worsit.

Shumpalumpa · 01/07/2018 07:21

Yanbu. Get him a 20p card and socks for all his future birthdays. What a wanker to do that after what you did for his 40th.

veggiethrower · 01/07/2018 07:25

YANBU.
I know you said you didn't want a big fuss but he should have got you a decent present.
Now you've told him you were upset about the socks he should think about that and put it right by making it up to you. Maybe he thought you saying you didn't want a fuss meant you didn't want a big present either and a "token gift" would suffice.
Leave it a couple of days and see what he comes up with.

FindoGask · 01/07/2018 07:30

I had a similarly disappointing 40th after saying that I didn't want a big fuss and specifically vetoing any sort of surprise party. It turns out that I would have quite liked a medium sized fuss!

It was a lesson really - for future birthdays I'm going to be more thoughtful about exactly what I'd like to do, and I will do it - not leave the responsibility to other people and then feel aggrieved when they get it wrong.

FindoGask · 01/07/2018 07:31

(obviously, socks for a 40th is completely ludicrous - I would have assumed they were a joke present too)

Chocolatelavender · 01/07/2018 07:32

No you are not being a brat and yanbu. 40th birthday is a milestone and should be special. A pair of socks is a crappy gift for any birthday present from a husband or boyfriend. The only person who gave me socks for birthday or Christmas was my Nana and she also gave me underwear and pajamas and a handwritten birthday card. Sorry you're 40th birthday was disappointing. Mine was too for other reasons. I decided to treat myself to make the best out of a bad situation. Even though your husband and family should have made a better effort I'm going to say do something special for yourself. Buy yourself some flowers, book yourself in for a massage or facial (husband can look after the baby), buy yourself a new outfit. A bit of self love and care is something that ends up on the back shelf when we become mums. We focus so much on giving of ourselves we forget to give to ourselves. If your husband is usually more thoughtful in his gifts tell him how you feel and tell him exactly what you need to feel better. Hopefully he will understand and want to make it right. Happy 40th Birthday.

Hassled · 01/07/2018 07:35

No. not ungrateful at all. Who on earth thinks socks are an appropriate present for their wife's 40th, especially when they've had the bells and whistles 40th celebrations only a year before. I hope he feels mortified.

But you say he's normally thoughtful with presents - so what's changed this year? Is he more stressed than usual? Money issues?

Clairetree1 · 01/07/2018 07:35

to be honest, I think you are being U

you have a partner who shows love and appreciation when it is genuinely spontaneous, not when it is dictated by the calendar, so much more meaningful.

Going out for the evening when you have a baby that young is always going to be stressful, rather than enjoyable, and I'm surprised you wanted to, and he obviously was too

( I got a pair of scissors for my 40th!)

JobHunting4 · 01/07/2018 07:36

I'm curious too about his reaction when you told him.
But for what it's worth I would frame the socks, hang them on the wall, and when people ask, tell them it was your 40th gift off DH and I assume first birthday gift of baby too, as you didn't mention a gift from them. It will become a long running form of torture... That he absolutely deserves

JobHunting4 · 01/07/2018 07:36

And happy birthday 🎂

divafever99 · 01/07/2018 07:39

Yanbu, I've had birthdays where dh has put in similar amounts of effort. There have been several excuses, "I haven't had time to sort anything out", "I didn't know what to get you". One year he forgot completely and just went to work without even noticing. Even my 30th was him making frantic phone calls to friends and family just a couple of days before to invite them round for a slice of cake. Makes you feel shit doesn't it? Lessons learned though- like a previous poster has said I now arrange something myself that I like doing. Last year I went on a spa day and left dc with him. He was most put out I didn't want to spend the day as a family! Maybe arrange something similar for yourself,

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/07/2018 07:39

Yanbu, that is disappointing and shit. I had a similar 30th. DP went out and bought me another present after I told him no thought gone into it, and said it was just because he was crap at buying presents and hadn't realised a 30th was more special than a normal birthday. To be honest I think most men are terrible at buying presents.

Sparkletastic · 01/07/2018 07:41

That's really shit and thoughtless of him. Presumably he was happy about the effort you went to for his 40th? Suggest some ways he can make it up to you since he's clearly too thoughtless to come up with anything himself.

Imknackeredzzz · 01/07/2018 07:43

That’s awful! Socks?!

What was his response when you pulled him up on it??

notsohippychick · 01/07/2018 07:43

You poor love. How upsetting for you.

No you deserve more than that! Especially since it’s your 40th and you are probably tired and weary looking after a small baby. You deserved a treat!

cholka · 01/07/2018 07:44

Well, you'll be 40 for a whole year, still time to celebrate!
I learned a similar lesson for my 30th. If these celebrations are more important to you than dp, then give specific requests (I want dinner out, a necklace, a handwritten card etc) to avoid disappointment. Or just cut to the chase and organise your own stuff and get him to pick up the tab!
Also you've got a tiny baby and presumably you're both sleep deprived and a bit bonkers - cut a bit of slack for that.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/07/2018 07:46

YANBU at all. Selfish self absorbed arsehole (him not you).

Happy birthday from me op anyway. Sorry your supposedly nearest and dearest were so shit

Pa1oma · 01/07/2018 07:51

I’m so sorry OP. You poor thing. I can’t understand why he would behave like this on your 40th particularly - and 15 weeks after giving birth! You say he’s generally good with gifts? What was his reaction when you told him how you felt? Maybe he’ll go all out to make it up to you today? I do hope so.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/07/2018 07:58

For his 40th dh got an antique first edition from a figure from his field he had studied closely, and that had been owned and inscribed by another eminent person. For mine I got nothing. Because I'd bought myself something I needed a couple of weeks before and said 'oh well, that could be my present'. He knows (from many previous conversations) that birthdays are important to me and that I like something to open on the day.

The difference to here is that he's perennially shit at gifts, always has been, and prefers his own birthday to be ignored altogether. The worst 'gift' he ever got me, quite a few years ago now, I will keep to myself as it's outing (I know), but it was so bad it was funny. Almost. And he really is an excellent dh in all other respects.

But if your dh has been thoughtful before - and it sounds as if he has - then this is odd. Have you asked him what he was thinking?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/07/2018 07:58

A first edition by a figure from his field etc. Not from. (It was from me).

Original poster

Redheadsturnheads · 01/07/2018 07:59

Some have asked what his response was when, between sobbing (which isn’t like me) I told him how upset I was, he said he was sorry but no real explanation.

Like I say he’s normally very good (although he has forgotten my birthday twice!) and he works in a mostly female team and has lots of sisters so no shortage of women he could have asked if he was stuck for ideas - although let’s face it a bit of jewellery or a bunch of flowers isn’t hard. Money isn’t an issue. He had to send off for the socks so it wasn’t a last minute petrol station purchase. So I am really at a loss.

If he was generally and consistently sh!t I wouldn’t be so disappointed. My parents are always a bit rubbish about Christmas and birthdays and have also forgotten my birthday once before when they were on holiday. So I don’t expect more than a phone call tbh.

OP posts:

kikashi · 01/07/2018 08:02

Happy Birthday. You did the right thing telling him you were upset. Hopefully, he will be more thoughtful in the future.

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