Socks for my 40th Birthday

[Redheadsturnheads]

Sanity check - I have a 15 week old baby so may be being hormonal.

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I said I didn’t want a big fuss ie I didn’t want a party like I had organised for my husband last year/ didn’t want to go away given we had our daughter christened last week and had over 50 people at that. I did say that I would like to go out for dinner without baby.

So during the week I asked who was babysitting on Saturday - cue blank stare from hubby. Followed by frantic texting to his sisters. He the. Started to call round to book a table - we live in a university town and it’s graduation season. He finally got a table booked. So far so good.

So normally he is really good at thoughtful gifts. Lovely jewellery and often surprises me with little things here and there. He had said that he had only got me something small - the girls in work had been teasing him about a ‘push present’ and I assumed he wanted to make it clear that he had t bought me a diamond the size of my head!!

The night before I opened a card from my parents (we have a difficult relationship at times), there was no message inside at all, not even signed and I was a bit upset. He said I know how to cheer you up - you can open my gift early.

So he hands me my gift. It was one of those moonpig type cards (no handwritten message) with a pair of socks. I genuinely assumed that this was a little gift a sort of amuse bouche before the main gift to be served on my actual birthday.

So no gift or handwritten card that morning. I assumed that ah - it must be coming over dinner....

Meanwhile my parents hadn’t even called to wish me a happy birthday and I was upset over that.

Getting ready to go out for dinner was as fraught as these things are with a 15 week old baby that’s breast fed what with pumping milk; tidying the house so my sil doesn’t call social services etc coupled with the fact that I look like a whale...

Dinner came and went and still no gift. By this stage I’m holding back the tears just desperate to leave the restaurant and he’s oblivious. Got back to the car and just sobbed. Told him it was because I was upset mum and dad hadn’t called because I didn’t want him to think I was being a brat.

He’s normally so thoughtful. I’m upset because my parents are either huffing with me for some unspecified reason or forgot it was my birthday or both and all I got was a pair of f&ckinng socks.

So after my SIL left I told him I was more than a bit upset about the socks and lack of handwritten card and that I felt like a totally unloved fat whale and that I had a miserable 40th birthday. I haven’t slept all night because I feel so unloved.

I should say that I was 20 weeks pregnant on his 40th still manage to organise and host a party for 50 people; get a special cake and organised several nice gifts for him and also arranged a dinner out for just the two of us and felt bad I couldn’t do more because I was flat out with work and o was pregnant....

So am I being an ungrateful brat?

Some people are very literal. He may have taken " I don't want any fuss " to the extreme and thought he was doing the right thing. He normally does make a fuss which leads me to think that's that is what's happened here.

But then he would have apologised and promised to make amends, not told OP that him changing baby's napping and holding her while OP did housework was a sign of his affection, and therefor his present to OP! He's a dick!

He’s an idiot. Make him suffer.

Btw don’t ever describe yourself in such unkind terms again. You are undoubtedly a beautiful woman who has recently had a baby.

He's been very thoughtless and unreasonable. You've just had a baby, it's a milestone birthday and he's acting like you're an acquaintance from uni or something.
Tell him you want to have another birthday meal. Also go with him to the most expensive jewellers in town. As you enter, tell the staff you've just had a baby and just turned 40. Bring out the trays of diamonds forthwith!

On giving men socks - my DH asked for socks for his birthday. He is one of those men takes back anything he doesn't need it isn't exactly as he desires. One year I gave up trying so got him the requested socks and some port. He loved them!

I would still object to socks for my 40th... Mine got a track day and party for his.

Ah fuck another one of these men who thinks their children are their partners children only. You need to make it VERY clear that he is her father and caring for her is as much his responsibility as yours.
It is not a bloody birthday present or 'help'. I feel pissed for you op.

You're working and looking after a small baby. You deserved a thoughtful present, a night out and a bloody big thank you for all you.

Happy belated birthday OP. I didn’t think you were being unreasonable with your original posts - the follow ups about his reaction and the row are even Witsel. You deserve better.

Worse. I’m not sure what Witsel is!

He got told in very bold words that holding his child and taking care of her is called being a father....

I bought about a dozen pairs of black socks for my husband - they all washed slightly differently, so we’re a real pain to sort; sort clips became my friends..
One year I didn’t have a birthday card, or a phone call or indeed any mention at all, on my birthday. The cards from my mum and dad, and siblings, came a couple of days later. My husband and my friends just forgot! I spent the whole day expecting a surprise, but nothing happened. That’s what I got for not being fussed about birthdays! I second asking for a medium fuss😀

"I hope you all remember this next time you think about buying socks for your OH's. It's always a reliable conversation with other married men to talk about the times you have been given socks as a present by your wives - most have and on multiple occasions."

Mine only ever wants socks. I always want to buy him something lovely and thoughtful. I always ask what he'd like too. He says "socks. I always need socks." I say "I can't buy you socks! That's a shit present." He says "But it's what I want, it's the only thing I want, please get me some socks." sometimes he'll specify everyday socks or hiking socks or socks with no pattern or no seam across the toe.

So I buy socks. Am I supposed to ignore his stated wishes and NOT buy socks? Have I been doing it wrong all these years?

This is bringing back memories for me of the Body Shop gift box birthday debacle of 2003 when I was 8 months pregnant.

DH seems oddly offended by some Argyll pattern socks I gave him as a stocking filler a few years back. I might start wearing them actually.

My DH was useless on my 30th. Newish baby and he didn't book anything, do anything and I cannot remember what the pressie was. I didn't have any food in so I think he nipped out to the village shop to get something grim.

I'd done a big do for his the year before. I think he was lost in the whole post-childbirth fog because he was great before and great since. I've never let him forget it though!

So after I had taken many deep breaths and reminded him calmly that despite him not wanting a fuss he got a party with 50 or so people which I spent all of the night before baking and cooking Andy he day ofrunning around picking up a stars wars cake and decorating the house and the day after tidying up; thatthe following weekend he got a trip to London; I organised the dinner with his chums from London, organised and paid for the theatre tickets to Book of Morman that he really wanted to see; organised and paid for dinner at his favourite restaurant; called the hotel ahead of time to make sure they had something special in the room and organising the work birthday buns and birthday beers ..... he realised that his ‘no fuss’ birthday was actually quite a lot of fuss and effort.

He finally accepted that socks were a major mistake and whilst I didn’t expect him to organise a party or trip away he could see that I might feel a bit under appreciated and that my no fuss and his no fuss are clearly quite different. I told him that I didn’t want him to go out and get me something or do something at this stage as by now it would be tainted but I would prefer a surprise at some point later.

Happy birthday!
Good on you for telling him. That helps him out loads. Next time he has no excuse, but next time for you too remember to tell people what you want.
No one is good at guessing. It’s ok to say I want ...... and then feel sad if no one went to any effort to get that.
It wasn’t the best birthday no but hey I’ve learned that life with babies and older kids is busy. If you say you don’t want anything for your birthday people take you seriously. Next time too buy what you want and wrap it for yourself. It takes a few birthdays for people to see there are things you do want and people (dh) will start making more of an effort. And your kids get older and want to make it special too. Maybe your dh needs some training. ( Not all boys are taught how to treat someone well.)
By the way I like buying myself presents. I know what I want and I make sure my family give it to me and they also surprise me with gifts that they chose and that I often like. So it’s a win-win. It will get better.

I'm glad he finally accepted that socks for your birthday present was a mistake. Good on you for getting through to him. Hopefully you will get a lovely surprise. I don't agree with people who say you should have to tell your dp exactly what present you want in order to get a thoughtful gift, unless there is something very specific you want. Being surprised by a thoughtful gift is part of the spirit of giving and receiving gifts. As they say it's the thought that counts. If you've been in a relationship with someone for a while and you love them then it's reasonably expected that you would put a little thought and effort into their gift. You really shouldn't have to be told. If you've been in a relationship long enough you should know them well enough to have some ideas of what they'd like.

YADNBU - that is shit. Absolutely no thought or effort from him. Maybe he is caught up in the whirlwind of a new baby but that's no excuse for him not being able to spend a few minutes thinking of something more thoughtful. What he say when you spoke to him?

I don't think you're being a spoiled brat. You actually are entitled to have some expectations that your husband will make a bit of a fuss for your birthday and get you something you'll like. It's not that socks are inexpensive that's the issue, it's that they are the most thoughtless, low effort gift ever.

coming home from work at a reasonable time (7pm) and holding the baby to let me eat dinner, changing nappies or taking her so I can work or do housework

This would be impressive if it was Dave from two doors down, but for your DH and father of the baby that’s just his job.

I’m sorry he decided to interpret “no fuss” as “no effort”. Make sure you tell the girls at work about the socks.

I am very glad that you have had a good conversation with him now. In the end, that really is the only grown up way to resolve differences and miscommunications. It is important as an adult, to be able to articulate your needs and desires, rather than expecting 'Prince Charming' to be able to guess what you want.

In our case, DH loves a surprise, and says he would rather have a few years of s£#t presents for the occasional glorious perfect surprise, while I get no pleasure in surprises and enjoy the planning and looking forward as much as the actual event. I hate the waste of time and effort that is a not successful surprise... Sigh. It has taken us a good few years, and a few upsets, alongside lots and lots of talking to find a way that works for us.

What matters is being able to talk about things...so well done,

So this is now In our downstairs loo. Forgiven but at least I should get a bit of entertainment out of it....

It’s refreshimg to read a thread where the op is able to say This is very double standards and I’m really upset. Also yy to framing the socks! In my experience dh does thoughtless things like this and when you explain it he gets it.... but instantly forgets as he wasn’t the one hurt so does it again. He is getting better but has struggled to think oh I should make up for that-or to retain history if you know what I mean so can do the same thoughtless thing over and over until it becomes one big thing. In your case I would resolve that if it hasnt appeared, in discussions about christmas I’d say oh I don’t know if dh is getting anything from me, he owes me a lovely surprise before I put any effort into gifts for him again. I might pick up some socks...

And he called that a no fuss 40th present you did??! Does he usually expect to be treated like he walks on water??

Did he make that or did you?

seeing the picture, well you have a great sense of humour, OP.

maybe your husband does too .

maybe he took you really literally; some people do. only you can know if its just random thoughtlessness or something worse.

Yes he is a new parent but he knew your birthday was coming - it wasn't a fucking surprise

My husband's 40th birthday was when our ds was about 10 weeks old.

I bought his present several months before, and my mum hid it for me until I needed it.

A bit of forward planning could have avoided the new parent fog.

Socks is just weird. I like socks. I get and give them for Christmas - along with other things. But as a sole gift for a special birthday? Mind-boggling.

I made the frame of shame and will display it prominently in the downstairs loo so lots of people see it.... I intend to get forty years of mileage out of it. He does feel like sh1t and has apologised but I will make sure he never forgets or repeats the mistake. I’ve already had a friend ask me to do one for her ... although quite how I frame a hoover??! I’ve suggested building it and putting on a plinth!