Socks for my 40th Birthday

[Redheadsturnheads]

Sanity check - I have a 15 week old baby so may be being hormonal.

It was my 40th birthday yesterday. I said I didn’t want a big fuss ie I didn’t want a party like I had organised for my husband last year/ didn’t want to go away given we had our daughter christened last week and had over 50 people at that. I did say that I would like to go out for dinner without baby.

So during the week I asked who was babysitting on Saturday - cue blank stare from hubby. Followed by frantic texting to his sisters. He the. Started to call round to book a table - we live in a university town and it’s graduation season. He finally got a table booked. So far so good.

So normally he is really good at thoughtful gifts. Lovely jewellery and often surprises me with little things here and there. He had said that he had only got me something small - the girls in work had been teasing him about a ‘push present’ and I assumed he wanted to make it clear that he had t bought me a diamond the size of my head!!

The night before I opened a card from my parents (we have a difficult relationship at times), there was no message inside at all, not even signed and I was a bit upset. He said I know how to cheer you up - you can open my gift early.

So he hands me my gift. It was one of those moonpig type cards (no handwritten message) with a pair of socks. I genuinely assumed that this was a little gift a sort of amuse bouche before the main gift to be served on my actual birthday.

So no gift or handwritten card that morning. I assumed that ah - it must be coming over dinner....

Meanwhile my parents hadn’t even called to wish me a happy birthday and I was upset over that.

Getting ready to go out for dinner was as fraught as these things are with a 15 week old baby that’s breast fed what with pumping milk; tidying the house so my sil doesn’t call social services etc coupled with the fact that I look like a whale...

Dinner came and went and still no gift. By this stage I’m holding back the tears just desperate to leave the restaurant and he’s oblivious. Got back to the car and just sobbed. Told him it was because I was upset mum and dad hadn’t called because I didn’t want him to think I was being a brat.

He’s normally so thoughtful. I’m upset because my parents are either huffing with me for some unspecified reason or forgot it was my birthday or both and all I got was a pair of f&ckinng socks.

So after my SIL left I told him I was more than a bit upset about the socks and lack of handwritten card and that I felt like a totally unloved fat whale and that I had a miserable 40th birthday. I haven’t slept all night because I feel so unloved.

I should say that I was 20 weeks pregnant on his 40th still manage to organise and host a party for 50 people; get a special cake and organised several nice gifts for him and also arranged a dinner out for just the two of us and felt bad I couldn’t do more because I was flat out with work and o was pregnant....

So am I being an ungrateful brat?

You are right - it is called being a father and a decent human being. I hate this idea of how the man is "helping" with the baby/housework - it's meant to be a partnership!

It's good that you have worked out the nub of what is making you feel unappreciated and unloved and that you called him out on it. Hopefully he'll think about it and step up.

I'd visit him at work and show off the fabulous gift of socks that you got for your 40th, wonder what the women there would think of that. Or put the on FB thanking him for being so bloody thoughtful.

To me this sounds like mis-communication. You asked not to have a big fuss - he has interpreted this in every way - no party, no dinner (until you prompted), no big present. In your mind you seemed to have meant you would like a date with the two of you and some jewellery, he has not understood it this way. He obviously isn't a mind reader and wasn't attuned to what you meant. Try to be clearer infuture. I know where you are coming from because my OH has zero idea what I'd like. I simply tell him and he tells me that he really likes this and we're both happy.

Why do you think he didn't bother OP if he normally buys you such lovely and well thought out gifts?

Could it be because you'd said you didn't want a fuss after all?

I too would be very upset. My DP is always hit and miss with presents. Some years he is really good and other years I end up with tat that wouldn't of taken much thought. On those tat years I am always a little upset and feel that as partners I should be able to tell him so.
But did he view taking you out as a present? My DP would have done, and in our relationship, I would have been happy with that as it isn't something we often do.

It could be a mixture of sleep deprivation, teasing at work making him overthink, him feeling neglected at home, overworked etc... Not that any of it make it right, but if he is otherwise great would be worth a proper sit down chat about it all, but both agree to keep it a calm chat about life, not just how you feel about not having a present. Although that is shit.

Then he is being a dickhead.
My DH actually said to MIL in front of me " 40 isn't a big birthday, Gertie doesn't want anything doing, she can't do because SHE hasn't organized anything !"
My jaw hit the floor & MIL wiped the floor with him- he had had a 40th and a 50 the that I'd planned and paid for, as well as as tickets to a must see gig and hotel / train tickets all paid for by me. She asked him why the hell it would be up to me to organise my own birthday treat.
She was magnificent and it was the only time she ever commented on our relationship.

I never want a fuss for my birthday and I expressly said I didn’t want a party (which I really didn’t) - I had the fear of a surprise party. I also expressly said I did want to go to dinner with just him - which he only organised because I asked who was babysitting. I never said I didn’t want a gift and certainly never mentioned that I wanted socks!!

It seems to me a misunderstanding, he has been too literal minded. With you just having had a baby he might have thought you meant “we have other priorities now” when you said you didn’t want a fuss.

That said, even though my DH has occasionally missed the mark with gifts, he’d never dream of giving me an unhandwritten moon pig type card for an ordinary birthday never mind a milestone one. Sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday OP

But if he normally buys you lovely gifts there's a reason he didn't this time OP.

I agree if he's usually good at gifts then there's a reason why he flopped this year. Especially with a milestone birthday.

Happy birthday OP- sorry to read it was crap.

I don't think YABTU in being upset but hope that in years to come it will be a big joke and an occasion to take the mickey out of him.

Mine took "I don't want a big fuss" very literally too but it taught me a lesson as I was very upset yet kept thinking "he's a simple and literal creature..."

YANBU OP! Call him up on his shitness. And choose yourself a nice bracelet.

Ironically there's an ad for socks showing under this post..

I totally understand why this has made you feel so shit - you're feeling vulnerable postnatally and he has just underlined your own ideas about yourself.

There is no way 'no fuss' can be interpreted as 'no gift' and also no way 'I'd like to go out for dinner' can be interpreted as 'I wouldn't like to go out for dinner' so anyone claiming it's OPs fault is either not reading or deliberately misunderstanding.

I’m still baffled as to what the actual thought process was that led to, “I know, get her these socks.”

However, even if you put this to one side, his reaction after finding out how upset you are, is what would hurt me more.

For a woman, turning 40 is a big deal. On top of this, you have a 15 week old baby - HIS baby. Most men are in awe if their wives at this point. You no doubt feel out of shape, emotional and exhausted. Unlike most women, you are even working through your maternity!?!

If he has unwittingly upset you (which he has), the normal response to your wife in such circumstances would be to sincerely apologise and do something drastic to make amends - eg. breakfast and flowers this morning, can I take you to the jewellers later and make it up to you? etc, etc.

The incorrect response here is for him to persist in arguing the point and justifying himself by the fact he sometimes holds the baby or whatever. I feel livid in your behalf OP. If I were you (and yes I can be quite dramatic, but still), I would take the baby and go out now. Tell his mother about him and let him worry about where you are.

I hope you all remember this next time you think about buying socks for your OH's. It's always a reliable conversation with other married men to talk about the times you have been given socks as a present by your wives - most have and on multiple occasions.

Daddy step daddy - do you think he was hinting that he’d like socks for his birthday? I’ve never bought him socks unless he’s asked me to and never as a gift.

He did what you asked and didn’t make a fuss. You need to be more straightforward about what you actually want. And give lots of warning. Try and forget about it - you’ve a lovely baby and a happy marriage by the sounds of it.

He felt him coming home from work at a reasonable time (7pm) and holding the baby to let me eat dinner, changing nappies or taking her so I can work or do housework was a sign of his affection and love - I say it’s called being a father . I should say I am also working on my maternity leave as well as looking after baby.

Wtaf? him holding his own baby so you can do housework was his birthday present?! He sounds a right fuckwit.

Look, if you decide to change the way you do birthdays now, that's something else.

But the problem is, often men like still expect their wife to continue to make a massive fuss for them on their birthdays and milestone birthdays. Don't be that mug OP.

But how did her DH equate 'not a big fuss' into 'I don't need to bother to do fuck all'? Does the OP really have to be so prescriptive?

And I've never given DH socks for his birthday and never would.

What Pa1oma said.
I found these two paragraphs a bit concerning:

'Anyway I spoke to him this morning and it ended in a row. He felt him coming home from work at a reasonable time (7pm) and holding the baby to let me eat dinner, changing nappies or taking her so I can work or do housework was a sign of his affection and love - I say it’s called being a father . I should say I am also working on my maternity leave as well as looking after baby. My office is simply at home and I have the added bonus of a lovely little girl!

I suspect it’s either new father syndrome or he now sees me as a fat puke covered sleep deprived troglodyte and not the woman he married. I think that’s the nun of why I’m so upset - I feel like he’s suddenly treating me very differently to the way he did before I had a baby.'

Tbh it does sound as if he has suddenly started treating you differently and that it's connected to you being a mother now. And what's with the whole attitude of essentially doing you a favour by taking the baby so you can work or do housework? That's not on, and I get a very uncomfortable vibe of how he sees you and your 'role' now, of which the switch from thoughtful jewellery to non-special socks is symbolic. I think you need to tell him this in as plain language as possible, using 'I' sentences - 'I feel you seem to think I am just there to look after the baby and you are doing me a favour when you look after her so I can do other essential things. I feel that the way you got me ordinary socks for my 40th when you used to get me lovely thoughtful gifts has something to do with the way you see me now - as if I'm not worth nice things any more - and I feel hurt by it.' Then I think I would be taking the baby and going out somewhere.

(On socks and gifts: My dh asked for 20 pairs of plain black socks last Christmas. But as I said, he doesn't like being celebrated or bought for and he sees gift occasions as times to get something practically needed. For his birthday a couple of months before our wedding he asked for new kitchen bins He knows what would happen if he did similar to me)

Some people are very literal. He may have taken " I don't want any fuss " to the extreme and thought he was doing the right thing. He normally does make a fuss which leads me to think that's that is what's happened here.

What utter utter bastards, I'd have been beside myself OP there is no excuse at all for such selfishness.
Make absolutely sure you tell him how upset you are given that you have just born his child and given him the most precious gift ever and also tell him he is a thoughless selfish PRICK and you have never been more upset. he needs to know what he did.
My husband did nothing whatsoever for my 50th and is now my ex husband because that is what happens to thoughtless dick heads.(thanks)

Op I wonder how much of himself was behind the other gifts.

It's indefensible.
The reasoning and effort behind socks .

Op I had to organise my own 4oth. I would have loved special gift too, I got a book. 🤔.

For Xmas... It was an ugly awful mug.

20 pairs of black socks are great idea it's what I buy and I buy dh huge size but both of us use them 😁. Can't be doing with bloody patterns and odd socks