MIL - normally wonderful...

[egdehsdrawkcab]

I don't want this to be too long but it's definitely tarnishing relationship with MIL at the moment.

A few weeks back she fronted up to me that another close family member, her brother, had inherited a bit of money and had asked to take the whole family away - uk, weekend, nothing abroad/huge. We were apparently invited, via her, but the message never got through - seems she had many a reason why we wouldn't have wanted to go, eg, venue not child friendly - despite my BIL and his DW and their DD getting the invite.

She came clean I think because her brother had been family event and he might have mentioned it. She was decent enough to have told to sis off.

I'd normally be pretty blade about this but I'm currently on my own while DH (her DS) finishes an overseas contact. I have two young DC and would have loved to see them all over the weekend away.

AIBU To feel that MIL knows how hard I'm finding life with two toddlers on my own, and that she should have at least extended the invite for me before declining?

Wow that's terrible.

Has she apologised? What did she say when you told her you were upset by this and would have liked to go?

Awful. And so so hurtful

YANBU.

How unkind.

You are not being unreasonable - the decision was yours to make not hers. My sister pulled a similar trick with me. When my brother bypassed her and asked me directly if we were attending, as he needed to confirm numbers, I told him it was the first I'd heard of it. When confronted her excuse was she knew we'd had a lot of financial outlay recently and didn't want us to feel obliged to attend (this wasn't a treat as in your case, everyone was paying for themselves). The real reason was she didn't want us there, probably because she's a divide and rule type. We still have a relationship of sorts but that episode was yet another nail in the sibling coffin. I wonder what your MIL's real reason is?

Ouch. Do you think your DH being away was a factor? Have you told your DH about it?

Did she say she assumed you wouldn't want to go because her son wouldn't be there too?

That’s awful.

We no longer have contact with MIL for things like this. She is just controlling and liked to get her own way. We tried for years to get family to speak to us directly, not through her, but she lives near them and contradicted everything we said, including that we’d like them to speak to us directly! So we gave up on all of them.

Be aware, this won’t be the first time she’s done similar or the last. Something has to be said.

1. Make sure the uncle knows you weren’t told and that you’d like to be contacted directly in future. This is easy. Write a note to the uncle saying thank you, you’d love to have gone, but MIL didn’t tell you. Send that note! It stops others thinking your family is ungrateful also. They probably were dying to see you and you never even acknowledged.

1. Have words with MIL and give her boundaries. This is harder. We did it and she lied, denied everything. DH needs to be on board.

TBH I actually can't remember all the reasons she gave, there were a few, and I'm massively stressed at the moment it kind of went over my head. I'm not one for confrontation so I just got on with things the day she told me. But now I've chance to reflect on it I think it's pretty mean.

She doesn't know I'm upset - although I've gone a bit cold and have distanced myself since it happened- she may well just be thinking I'm busy though so I probably do need DH onboard and to say something (easier said than done).

What a witch! (MiL, not you OP).

If shes normally fine I would tell her you're upset, why you're upset and give her a chance to apologise. MILs are for life, its worth trying to maintain a good relationship

Could it be that she didn't want to have to help you out with your dc if DH was away?

Did she decline as she thought she would end up in charge of your dc more that weekend and she wanted to relax?

BillywilliamV MILs aren’t for life if they are abusive! DH cut his mother off partly for reasons given in my post above and said he would resume contact when she apologised.

That was several years ago. Apparently she doesn’t apologise to anyone.

She was decent enough to have told to sis off.

I'm assuming there's an auto-correct typo/but I can't work out what the end is meant to say?

It is tricky, and I can see why you would want to have a proper conversation about it as you were broad-sided at the time, but only you can really judge how receptive or defensive she'll be to it.

I’m not surprised. That’s awful. I would definitely be writing the thank you but I didn’t know about the invite note. Is your mil flush? In brutal terms she owes your family a short break.

She doesn't know I'm upset - although I've gone a bit cold and have distanced myself since it happened- she may well just be thinking I'm busy though

No, she knows. And she knows why.

I'd phone to thank her brother for the non-appearing invite, rather than email.

I hate this gatekeeper stuff. My mother does it, to the point that none of the family contact me directly and relationships have suffered.

It was my cousins 40th and I was 36 weeks pregnant, no complications. They live 80 miles away. No invite to the party, apparently my mother gad told them I wasn't able to travel as it was too close to my due date! I was still working.

From this point I've made it my business to try to contact people directly. Seems to be working, mainly because my mother doesn't use social media, text or email. Your DH needs to have a chat with his mother.

Did she interpret "family" to mean her son plus his family, therefore if her son was unable to attend then by default, you don't?

TBH DH has an enormous extended family and we all enjoy getting together, but if there were a party and DH weren't able to go, I wouldn't be going on my own, I'd feel like an interloper.

DH being away is irrelevant - we are normally pretty close and I do plenty with his side of the family without him being there.

I suspect perhaps this was about having a 'her side of the family thing'. And a bit about not wanting to help with the kids. But it really stings.

Trying to figure out my typos too!!

leave it to dh when he returns.

Has the event happened? If not can you contact the guy and say you'd love to come too?

Does she help out with the children already?

Have you told your dh? Let him deal, he can talk to her and tell her she fucked up.

Is it too late to accept? You should definitely contact the uncle directly.

Wow. My MIL did something similar, although on a much lesser scale: told me DS (3) had been invited to his cousin's 6th birthday party. 'Oh lovely', I say, 'When is it?' 'Yesterday', says MIL. 'I told them you weren't feeling well'. WTF??? I suspect this wasn't the only time, either. I would make sure your MIL's brother is aware that the invitation was not passed on to you.