MIL - normally wonderful...

[egdehsdrawkcab]

I don't want this to be too long but it's definitely tarnishing relationship with MIL at the moment.

A few weeks back she fronted up to me that another close family member, her brother, had inherited a bit of money and had asked to take the whole family away - uk, weekend, nothing abroad/huge. We were apparently invited, via her, but the message never got through - seems she had many a reason why we wouldn't have wanted to go, eg, venue not child friendly - despite my BIL and his DW and their DD getting the invite.

She came clean I think because her brother had been family event and he might have mentioned it. She was decent enough to have told to sis off.

I'd normally be pretty blade about this but I'm currently on my own while DH (her DS) finishes an overseas contact. I have two young DC and would have loved to see them all over the weekend away.

AIBU To feel that MIL knows how hard I'm finding life with two toddlers on my own, and that she should have at least extended the invite for me before declining?

told me DS (3) had been invited to his cousin's 6th birthday party. 'Oh lovely', I say, 'When is it?' 'Yesterday', says MIL.

Sorry, but I laughed when I read that :(

Spotthedog.

That's really interesting, we have had same issue set up.
Family going through pils who try and control us. They won't visit us directly so starting to feel the same way to be honest.

I can imagine it stings.

Very rich of some mils who want to be invited to everything dc related but when it comes to the mum, thier dils they seem happy to cut them out.

Spotthedog has it. And tell your MIL she has upset you.

I would get in touch with the uncle and thank them for the offer, you've only just heard about it and wanted to personally thank them.

RayneDance It’s a very strange setup. It’s like MIL is the middle of a big spider’s web and all communication goes through her and is relayed by her... except she filters it and changes it. She has very successfully and single handedly destroyed the family.

I’d get in touch with her brother and thank him for the invite too. They might be thinking your DH and you don’t really want to be part of the family.

I think she just wanted the weekend away with her family and didn't want to be responsible for children. I don't think that's selfish, she's raised hers and is entitled now to enjoy herself on days off.

Your frustration at being alone with two children shouldn't be aimed at anyone other than your husband though. It's not the fault of others in any way.

Wasn't her decision, she was asked to tell you. Bitch.

I kind of agree Boxsets. I think MIL should have asked the OP though and not taken it on herself to not invite her.

I don't get why the OP didn't say that she'd still like to go though when MIL told her.

I guess she declined because she wanted a relaxing holiday without toddlers. I think it was really mean to exclude you when her brother had invited you. To make excuses seems like a well deserved guilty conscience.

Nothing to do with frustration at my current situation (hard as it is).

BIL, SIL and their DD all had an invite, who by the way MIL does an enormous amount of childcare for (literally weeks at a time over school holidays, weekends so BIL and SIL can get away etc), so I don't know if it's about childcare. It might be a bit. I can't really figure it out. She's not normally like this but can manipulate things to suit her when she wants.

I need to get DH to have a word. The event has passed now, she told me after it happened because the uncle was at a family gathering and she probably panicked it would come up.

She was obliged to pass the message on and not unilaterally decide you didn’t want to attend. I get the fact that she may not have wanted to keep track of your kids, but that’s what mil's do, it’s called family responsibility.

I’d thank you mil's brother and tell him you’d have loved to attend but the message wasn’t conveyed to you. I think your mil will get the message. As to your interaction with your mil, you’ll need to decide how you want to proceed; personally I’d be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie and get on with life. She’ll know she’s been caught out.

Seriously your DH needs to thank his uncle for the invite and just say you weren't aware of it! How rude must it seem that he offered to treat you to say something and he hasn't got a thank you!

Does MIL help you out with the children OP? Maybe she just wanted a break herself and knowing that DH wasn't there with you could have made her think that she'd have had to help you out with your children.

I think the only way to deal with it is to make it explicitly clear to everyone that the only reason you weren't there was because you were not told about it. Do this in front of MIL if you can. She will be forced to fumble an excuse. I am not normally an advocate of humiliating someone like that but it's the only thing that's likely to make her realise how wrong she was and prevent her doing it again.

I'm not even sure if an invite was ever 'extended' to us. Uncle has had a stroke recently and sees MIL weekly. From my understanding he offered to take the whole family away, asked MIL if she thought we'd want to go, to which she said no.

I'd get in touch with the uncle myself but he's not very well and is a very quiet man, he might think I was causing trouble if I got in touch now.

Not sure if I understand your last post. Has the weekend away already happened? Tbh it sounds like your mil has a lot on her plate already. She maybe thought a weekend away looking after a stroke sufferer and toddlers would be too much to cope with. My mother had a stroke, a bad one, and it’s been awful. But maybe get in touch with your uncle anyway, strokes and their recovery can be very isolating. He might appreciate a visit from you and your children.

Does MIL help with my kids? On an ad hoc basis, occasionally yes. We live quite far away so if we do see them it tends to be me driving there, us all staying the night. They are having DS for 4 nights in August to go away with my DN too. So yes, they do help. But they help BIL st al an awful lot more (they are geographically a bit closer)

You should have asked her why she thought you wouldn't want to go at the time.

Maybe she thought you wouldn't fancy it because DH wasn't going to be there and it was with his side of the family? And let's face it there are many DILs who wouldn't want to go away without their DH's with just his side of the family.

If she's normally wonderful I wouldn't read too much into this.

DH needs to take it up with her.

Very calm, very matter of fact but letting her know that both of you thought it was utterly out of order. And to tell her: be careful you don't take the good realtionship WE currently have with you for granted. You cut us out, because that suited you - it's noted.

Completely agree with Fizzy.

I wouldn't go barging in tbh. The OP said she's not even sure the invite was for her!

No you can't expect a family member of your husband to buy you a holiday that he wouldn't even be going on. The uncle was clearly offering the holiday as a way to see his family (which the OP is not) so if MiL knew DH was unable to go there was no real reason for her to ask the OP if she was interested and it would have been rather cheeky of the OP to accept a free holiday designed to give her husbands family a chance to catch up without her husband actually going.

The uncle was clearly offering the holiday as a way to see his family (which the OP is not) so if MiL knew DH was unable to go there was no real reason for her to ask the OP if she was interested and it would have been rather cheeky of the OP to accept a free holiday designed to give her husbands family a chance to catch up without her husband actually go

Eh? Of course she's family. She may not be blood family but she's married to her MIL's son and the uncle's nephew. She and DH have children (the MIL's grandchildren). You're going to be a peach if and/or when you're an MIL.

OP I would get your DH to have a very quiet word with both his mum and his uncle. Make sure that the record's straight.