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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Poo on toilet seat. Am I wrong to point it out?

57 replies

DaftCat · 30/06/2018 09:42

My SD is 13, quite often, when she goes to the toilet here, she somehow managed to smear poo on the toilet seat, not loads but a good smear, about an inch or so long and wide.
I’ve pointed it out to her a few times and asked her to check after going, showed her the bathroom wipes and asked her to just wipe the seat if she sees anything.
That appeared to work for a few months but last night I went in the bathroom after she was asleep and there’s yet another quite large poo smear on the seat.
My DH says I mustn’t say anything to her because it will embarrass her. I think that I don’t really care if it embarrasses her, I don’t want to clean another persons shit off the loo before I can sit down.
If she was a toddler I wouldn’t care, but she’s 13! No SN, no dexterity problems, I think our toilet is quite small & she’s smearing the toilet paper on the seat after she’s wiped.
So WIBU to talk to her about it yet again this morning, or should I just leave it and continue to clean up?

OP posts:

Hengine · 30/06/2018 09:44

Get your DH to clean it and talk to her.
It’s not the talking that should embarrass her it’s the fact that she’s leaves the toilet in a mess that’s embarrassing.

henpeckedinchief · 30/06/2018 09:45

Talk to her but in a gentle way. She really does need to learn, but she probably will be embarrassed. You have to explain though. I don't envy you!

YoYotheclown · 30/06/2018 09:45

I wouldn’t clean up after her. If your dh doesn’t want to deal with it. Let him
Clean it up. Not sure why a 13 year old wouldn’t check if she’s cleaned well after herself. Is she the same other places ?

Hengine · 30/06/2018 09:45

Also it sounds like it helped before so she needs a reminder

Rocinante1 · 30/06/2018 09:46

I'd be worried that she's doing it on school toilets or public toilets so yes, talk to her.

It's really not difficult to clean up after herself so she needs to learn. Just tell your husband that if she doesn't want to be embarrassed then she should be cleaning up.

Firesuit · 30/06/2018 09:47

I agree with the first reply. Option 3, get your DH to clean up for you, and leave it to him to talk to her.

Original poster

DaftCat · 30/06/2018 09:50

YoYo, yes, she’s incredibly lazy, rarely cleans up without being badgered, her room is a tip sometimes. DH (IMO) doesn’t really help because he’ll tend to do things for her rather than make her do it, like put clothes away, make her bed etc. I get why he does stuff for her but it doesn’t help her learn to do stuff herself.
He refuses to talk to her re the poo, he just says ‘I’ll clean it if you’re that bothered’ but that’s not the point
It’s not hard to clean but it shouldn’t be there in the first place!

OP posts:

Colbu24 · 30/06/2018 09:54

I get the occasional floater and smears. My DH goes wild and makes him clean it. Ours it's 12.
It's shameful and they are too old. Make her clean it.

Jozxyqk · 30/06/2018 09:54

If she does it at home she almost certainly does it other places, like school. Or a friend's house. If someone realises it's her doing it, won't that be more embarrassing, how does your DH feel about that?

NeeChee · 30/06/2018 09:54

I will say something if the toilet is dirty (it's never on the seat, though, just in the bowl), I refuse to clean other people's shit up, it's just grim, and makes me feel ill. I can cope with cat and dog poop, but not human, and I shouldn't have to unless someone is very ill or infirm. SS is 10, and he knows how to use the toilet brush, but forgets sometimes.

foxyloxy78 · 30/06/2018 09:54

He needs to understand that he's not doing his daughter any favours. You need to teach them life skills and personal hygiene is one of them. Tell him to speak to her otherwise you will.

VimFuego101 · 30/06/2018 09:55

If she did it at a friends house she would get teased and probably not invited back. So even if he's not bothered about her learning to pick up after herself, he needs to address it for that reason. I'm assuming if she's that haphazard with wiping that her hygiene may not be the best either - again, potential for teasing by her peers.

Hissy · 30/06/2018 09:55

“Hey SD, sorry love can you pop back to the bathroom and sort the loo out?, Thanks”

You HAVE to tell her, your H HAS TO tell her, it’s not on at her age! My ds misses stuff, me and oh both tell him to sort it out

My oh dd also leaves the loo a mess sometimes, she gets told. Every. Time.

You have a H problem

YoYotheclown · 30/06/2018 09:58

Well the problem is your dh.
If she’s doing this other places. Someone’s going to mention it and they won’t be sweet about it either.

Jozxyqk · 30/06/2018 09:59

Does your DH not realise - children talk? And they can be really mean...

longwayoff · 30/06/2018 10:03

Take her back to loo and wait while she cleans it. If she's repulsed then she'd better get used to it. Tell her how this would be received in school or workplace. Especially school when next person in photographs it and posts along with her photo.

SeaCabbage · 30/06/2018 10:09

You spoke to her before about it and she took it onboard. Just gently remind her again and hopefully she will buck up again.

And ask your dh what he thinks would happen if she did that at a friend's house!! She needs to learn.

Original poster

DaftCat · 30/06/2018 10:10

I spoke to her a minute ago. She seemed completely unconcerned. Just nodded and went back to playing with the cat. I wasn’t mean but I did say, about four times, that I shouldn’t have to clean up another persons poo and to just check after she’s gone.
I don’t know if it’ll do any good, if it happens again I’ll make her clean it up, only reason I didn’t last night is she was asleep & I was dying for a wee!
DH will probably be a bit annoyed that I spoke to her but it’s tough. Like PPs have said, if she does it here she might do it elsewhere & get teased.
And her hygiene isn’t brilliant, she often has skiddy pants, she’s just not a massive fan of washing, or tooth cleaning, or using deodorant. We assume that at some point she’ll grow out of that & start caring that she smells sometimes.

OP posts:

Medea13 · 30/06/2018 10:16

How do you even get poo on the seat? I can't imagine this.

Original poster

DaftCat · 30/06/2018 10:21

I think she’s dabbing the paper on the seat after she’s wiping, I think our toilet is quite small and her bum is quite big! If she sits down to wipe & just tools forward a bit I can see how she might smear the paper on the seat.
But you’d know wouldn’t you? You’d feel the seat? And then surely you’d make sure you hadn’t got poo on it? and if you had you’d wipe it off? Especially after being told about it several times before?!

OP posts:

Original poster

DaftCat · 30/06/2018 10:22

Tools = tips!

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 30/06/2018 10:25

he just says ‘I’ll clean it if you’re that bothered’

I don't get this response. Who wouldn't be bothered about sitting in someone else's poo?

daisychain01 · 30/06/2018 10:26

What's happening with her life with her mum, OP? If she gets no support when with her other parent, in terms of guidance with personal hygiene she'll push back when she's with her DF and you.

Tricky situation, you have my empathy. It's good that you are being strong with her, but you'll always be on a hiding to nothing as her DSM.

Her DF absolutely needs to step up to the plate and take his parenting responsibility seriously, and point out that it's disrespectful to you to clean up after her. Not least of all that personal hygiene is becoming increasingly important as she's growing up (euphemism for puberty if he doesn't feel comfortable talking too directly.)

He does need to talk to her mother and get her to give the same message

Excited101 · 30/06/2018 10:33

Your dh is being ridiculous. If she was that embarrassed about it then it would NEVER have happened again after it was mentioned. The problem is that HE is embarrassed and desperate for it not to be an issue, be spoken about etc.

busybarbara · 30/06/2018 10:37

This is what the emotion of embarrassment is for. It stops us from doing things that are wrong. She should absolutely be embarrassed over this and then she'll clean up after herself.

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