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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alcohol at my baby shower

69 replies

CalamityJaneismyUsername · 30/06/2018 02:30

Okay, so as not to drip-feed, here's the backstory:
My sister approached me a few months back, she said she was desperate to throw a shower for me as my baby will be the first for our sibling group and she wanted to be as involved as possible. But the problem she had was that she couldn't afford it, so could I pay?

I was planning on asking my close family and friends out for a meal to thank them for their support during My pregnancy anyways so I thought if I gave that money to my sister and just thanked everyone there then I could keep everyone happy, but honestly I would have preferred the meal-I hate receiving gifts and I much prefer events to have a nice clean end time (i.e. Once the bill is paid I can leave and not worry about being rude) but she'd already looked into everything and priced it up so I thought well, what's the harm in it? She gets to enjoy herself and I get to see all my friends and family and thank them in person, and have a nice time.

Today we were shopping for unrelated things with my mum and my sister picked up a pack of those cheap prepackaged shots teens tend to drink and said "is it okay to drink at your baby shower?" To which I said no, Mum said yes and my sister said "of course it is" all at the same time. Then they both looked at me like I had two heads.

For context, my mum drinks at least 4 cans every night and I've had to put up with her being pissed for my whole life. The night before my GCSE maths exam (years ago, but as an example) I had to help her upstairs and into bed at 4 am. I do not like the rude and upsetting person she becomes after drinking a small amount and I hate the sound of her slurring her words. My sister is not much of a drinker usually but when she does drink she always misunderstands her limits and gets drunk. She's also a massive lightweight.

I am not much of a drinker myself and do not enjoy being the only sober person in the room. I will actively avoid staying long enough to parent drunk people because I hate it that much, but at my own shower I obviously cannot leave early. I really do not like the idea of people drinking, it will upset me and stress me out. Both my mum and my sister smoke weed and I know they will definitely do this at my party whether they drink or not.

Is it wrong of me to expect one night where my friends and family dont drink? I'm absolutely not against a single glass of wine each to celebrate but when I suggested that both of them shot the idea down. I'm worried they will go too far and I will end up babysitting them!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 30/06/2018 02:35

I thought that's what a baby shower was. Like when you whet a baby's head after the birth and have a drink to celebrate.
What is it about, presents?

BlueBug45 · 30/06/2018 02:37

Every baby shower I've been to has had some alcohol like champagne or the equivalent but not loads as most people have been unable to drink a lot for various reasons. So your mum and sister are being unreasonable with both their choice of alcohol and wanting to drink a good quantity.

HRMTheQueen · 30/06/2018 02:38

Where is the shower? You are no way being unreasonable to not want drunks at your shower.

If the shower is not in your own home, put a time limit on it. Showers aren’t all day drinking events anyway, people dont expect that. Put a time limit and leave.

If it is at your place, consider changing it.

Original poster
CalamityJaneismyUsername · 30/06/2018 02:40

It's about getting together with the Mum to celebrate, I thought. I was under the impression that every celebration didn't have to be a piss-up, especially when the person who will be having the baby can't participate. I might be being unreasonable but it feels to me that my money is being used on something I can't even participate in. Like I said, I wouldn't mind if everyone had one glass of wine or champagne but the cheap shots worried me a bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityJaneismyUsername · 30/06/2018 02:43

I'm also worried that I'm being ungrateful. She is going to a lot of effort, and even though I'm paying I'm not involved in the planning at all (she's adamant that it be a surprise) so I don't want to be an ungrateful person

OP posts:
Biffkipandchip · 30/06/2018 02:53

I'd say its rude to the pregnant lady as she can't have a drink. When I threw one for my friend we made some non alcoholic cocktails which were lovely. It's more about the company, and if the company is good you shouldn't need to drink to have a good laugh.

Banana8080 · 30/06/2018 04:05

Stand your ground.

MentalUnload · 30/06/2018 04:14

How is it ok for them to smoke weed? Aren’t you worried about passive smoking? Yanbu about alcohol, tell them to bring their own, and that it won’t be a nice surprise if anyone gets drunk .

Graphista · 30/06/2018 04:15

Baby showers are traditionally dry. As for the weed! I'd tell em to get tae fuck!

Smoking AT ALL around a pregnant woman is fucking atrocious, to smoke weed and expose an unborn child to all those toxins at an event supposedly celebrating that child is appalling!

They're using your pregnancy as an excuse for a piss up!

I'd call it all off (as far as they're concerned) and go back to your plan of a dinner for those who really HAVE supported you.

ProseccoPoppy · 30/06/2018 04:36

Smoking weed near you?! That is vile, and you shouldn’t be around them at all. The drinking is not ok either tbh. I thought baby showers were usually afternoon tea type events - nice tea/herbal tea for mum to be, posh cakes, little sandwiches etc. Maybe - at a push - a single glass of bubbly (though often not - a company based near me does very well out of selling non alcoholic prosecco, and a key part of their market is baby showers). Given the disgusting smoking/weed smoking issue this is not an event I would be attending at all and I would be saying so now. So sorry that they have spoiled something that should be lovely for you.

Original poster
CalamityJaneismyUsername · 30/06/2018 07:18

No, I'm sorry, I've been unclear. They won't smoke weed in the building, they'll take 7 steps outside and smoke it, which they asked me about after finding out about the pregnancy and I was fine with!

OP posts:
FireflyGirl · 30/06/2018 07:25

There has been alcohol at all the baby showers I've been to - usually Pimms and fizz. But mostly there has been copious quantities of cake! Nobody has ever used it as an excuse for an extended piss-up...

henpeckedinchief · 30/06/2018 07:25

YANBU. It would be one thing if you could trust them to have a couple of glasses of prosecco and that be it, but that clearly isn't the case. Stand your grouns and politely but firmly tell your sister that you appreciate the effort she has put in, but that this point is one that's very important to you and you won't compromise on it.

SoyDora · 30/06/2018 07:26

All the baby showers I’ve been to have had some champagne for the non pregnant guests, but certainly no shots (or weed!). YANBU

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 30/06/2018 07:30

This is your baby shower, so surely what you want takes preference over other's.

Is your sister going to scimp on food so she can have alcohol?

babybrainusedtobesmart · 30/06/2018 07:33

Your party your rules but I would be prepared for guests to turn up with a bottle of prosecco. That's the norm. Shots is certainly not normal or appropriate. It's a baby shower, not a piss up

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2018 07:35

I’ve never been to a dry baby shower (thank goodness). It’s cheeky to ask you to pay for it. Couldn’t a compromise be that they bring their own booze? There sounds like a lot of back story with your mum. If other guests wanted to drink sensibly not on your ticket, would you still have an issue?

I don’t understand how smoking weed is ok but drinking isn’t.

DozyDoates · 30/06/2018 07:40

So you're footing the bill for their drinks at a party you don't want? I think you can draw a line and say you won't be funding the alcohol as a start. Have you handed the money over yet, have invited been sent? Can you pull the plug on the whole thing as it doesn't sound like you are getting what you want!

JustVent · 30/06/2018 07:43

I’ve never been to a baby shower thank goodness, but I assumed given the nature of the party that it would be more of a tea and cakes event?

However OP, I think there could be a compromise here.
They drink, but you get to leave when you want and that’s before your mum and sister reach optimum twat stage.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/06/2018 07:54

No need for booze at a baby shower - you won’t be drinking it and it’s for you /baby

Cheeky of sister to say pay for it

Doesn’t need to be costly

At a friends house - all bring some nibbles or cakes and balloons etc if want decorations

summertimehere · 30/06/2018 07:54

If you don’t want alcohol at it then don’t have it... your baby your rules.. I don’t think it would kill people to have one event alcohol free to respect your wishes in fact if you want your dinner out and not a baby shower then do that, you’re paying for it...

Soph88 · 30/06/2018 07:54

My baby shower had a bit of champagne so everyone can have a glass but that was it. Cheap shots sounds like it's going to be a right party which I don't think ties in with a baby shower as the main guest can't drink!
I think you need to be firm with them. a glass of wine or two per person is fine, cheap shots are not. They can have a party after you have left.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 30/06/2018 08:00

No venue will be ok with people smoking weed ( 7 steps or otherwise) outside and this could jeopardise their licence. It IS illegal and I would hate to come to a venue and gave to walk through a plume of weed smoke particularly a baby shower !
If I were you I'd tell your sister your anxieties which are perfectly reasonable, tell her you want the meal in a place you can gracefully exit ( you will be tired) , A nice thank you would be to give favours on the table. We gave everyone a bottle with a personalised label on ( £1 each from spotty spoon.com ) for my daughters first birthday meal to thank everyone who had supported us.

MaMaMaMySharona · 30/06/2018 08:01

I’m shocked your sister not only asked you to pay for your own baby shower but that you also agreed! I’ve only ever been to one, it was when my friendship group were all quite young and a lot of the girls used it as an excuse to get pissed (after all the games had finished and the MTB had opened her gifts). I always remember thinking it was very distasteful and how much I would have hated it if it was my shower. It actually put me off ever having one!

YANBU to not want alcohol, or to only want a little. I would insist upon it if it was me (and threaten to leave if they went against my wishes) but it’s your family and you know them best!

Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 08:01

Yanbu she just wants a party at your expense. I would tell her that you do not want a babyshower, you would rather go out for a meal with your friends. She sounds quite cheeky actually, wanting to organise a babyshower whilst making you pay.