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Original poster

Alcohol at my baby shower

69 replies

CalamityJaneismyUsername · 30/06/2018 02:30

Okay, so as not to drip-feed, here's the backstory:
My sister approached me a few months back, she said she was desperate to throw a shower for me as my baby will be the first for our sibling group and she wanted to be as involved as possible. But the problem she had was that she couldn't afford it, so could I pay?

I was planning on asking my close family and friends out for a meal to thank them for their support during My pregnancy anyways so I thought if I gave that money to my sister and just thanked everyone there then I could keep everyone happy, but honestly I would have preferred the meal-I hate receiving gifts and I much prefer events to have a nice clean end time (i.e. Once the bill is paid I can leave and not worry about being rude) but she'd already looked into everything and priced it up so I thought well, what's the harm in it? She gets to enjoy herself and I get to see all my friends and family and thank them in person, and have a nice time.

Today we were shopping for unrelated things with my mum and my sister picked up a pack of those cheap prepackaged shots teens tend to drink and said "is it okay to drink at your baby shower?" To which I said no, Mum said yes and my sister said "of course it is" all at the same time. Then they both looked at me like I had two heads.

For context, my mum drinks at least 4 cans every night and I've had to put up with her being pissed for my whole life. The night before my GCSE maths exam (years ago, but as an example) I had to help her upstairs and into bed at 4 am. I do not like the rude and upsetting person she becomes after drinking a small amount and I hate the sound of her slurring her words. My sister is not much of a drinker usually but when she does drink she always misunderstands her limits and gets drunk. She's also a massive lightweight.

I am not much of a drinker myself and do not enjoy being the only sober person in the room. I will actively avoid staying long enough to parent drunk people because I hate it that much, but at my own shower I obviously cannot leave early. I really do not like the idea of people drinking, it will upset me and stress me out. Both my mum and my sister smoke weed and I know they will definitely do this at my party whether they drink or not.

Is it wrong of me to expect one night where my friends and family dont drink? I'm absolutely not against a single glass of wine each to celebrate but when I suggested that both of them shot the idea down. I'm worried they will go too far and I will end up babysitting them!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/06/2018 08:05

Not only that, wanting it her way with the booze, not just a couple of classes of Wine, Champagne etc, but a piss up. It is disrespectful to you, as you cannot drink and selfish. I am shocked you agreed to this, because I certainly would not.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/06/2018 08:09

I think as you're paying you have a certain amount of power. So fine for you to say "I'm paying for dinner and for one drink each/x number of bottles but that's IT" and that's fair enough. (and speak to the venue to clarify this)

However, if people want to order more booze and are willing to pay for this themselves, I don't think there's too much you can do about it.

I think you're being very generous.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 30/06/2018 08:19

Baby showers tend to be an afternoon tea type event, as mums usually have other children. Soft drinks and champagne for the guests. Of course there are presents

DoinItForTheKids · 30/06/2018 08:23

The difficulties there are around the baby shower is one thing, how things are going to be with your baby when it comes are another. Presumably you'll never be able to leave the baby with your DM if she gets blathered quite regularly (/is hung over the next day??), and never ever will you be able to leave the child in her sole care for those reasons (I'd imagine, it might not be as bad as I've read it). And if they both are smoking spliff that double rules out mum and also then rules out DSis.

I'd take this baby shower as a starting point, an opportunity for laying some ground rules and limits as to what YOU think is acceptable. The way they treat you pregnant is pretty much how they're going to treat you when the baby comes it seems to me - disrespectfully and selfishly (so it seems to me) on what works for them and their agenda with, apparently, little willingness to change or modify their behaviour, you must fall into line with them.

I can quite see a glass of prosecco or wine but lining up shots - what type of event does your DSis think it is?!? It's one thing though for people to say 'alcohol's ok at a shower' but they clearly haven't got an alcoholic parent and a sister who can't hold her drink and doesn't know when to stop (who both also smoke weed!!). Having any alcohol there will be a slippery slope to all the things poor OP doesn't want - either at the baby shower or presumably, going on after that, so I think it's a whole bigger picture than just the shower, but the shower to me seems like a bit of a foretelling of future difficulties in the areas OP has described and it all sounds very tricky indeed.

greendale17 · 30/06/2018 08:25

The baby shower I have attended there was one or two bottles of champagne/ prosecco and a non alcoholic option for the pregnant one and others. Everyone had a glass to toast but that was all

gamerchick · 30/06/2018 08:25

Sounds like they're using you to have an excuse for a party and you get the privilege of paying for it!

Call it off OP. Tell them to crack on without you and you won't be paying for it

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 08:31

My late mum was an alcoholic. She died as a result of her alcoholism before I fell pregnant with my first dc. So you have my sympathy! Dealing with a frequently drunk mum is so grim. The weed takes it into Jeremy Kyle territory, (sorry if that sounds snobby). Stand your ground and insist there’s no booze. There was champagne at both my baby showers (both surprises - I wouldn’t have planned one if I could help it)! But my mum wasn’t at them, obviously. If she had been, and if she was still drinking, I’d have removed all the alcohol from both of our sights and if anyone wanted to drink, more than they wanted to see me, they would be welcome to leave and take their booze with them.

LotsToThinkOf · 30/06/2018 08:32

So I didn't be using this to my advantage - allow them to do whatever they want to, they'll go too far and then you'll have a reason to distance yourself.

They sound absolutely awful, the weed smoking alone would be enough to keep them away from my children. They'll be expecting to hold the baby after smoking this won't they? New baby, new chapter - id be avoiding them from now on. Your child doesn't need these people and neither do you.

petrolpump28 · 30/06/2018 08:34

OK to sum up, an imported idea 'baby shower', which is an opportunity for people to wish you well and bring a gift has been turned into a pissup for alcoholics and drug users and you have to pay?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/06/2018 08:36

Under run-of-the-mill circumstances I would say YWBU. AIUI (never having been to a baby shower), a bit of prosecco is typical. But it sounds as if you are managing family members with seriously addictive behaviour and that they are hoping to use you to fund a piss-up. (And sorry, but if it were me nobody who smokes weed would be around my child, whether they do it in front of him/her or not. You're supposed to grow out of weed in your student days at the latest. It's certainly not appropriate for a grandparent).

Insist. Your baby shower will be dry and if they can't cope with that, it's cancelled. You are going to have to put firm boundaries in place with these people once the baby is here. Start now.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/06/2018 08:42

You can’t change them - ! Just the way you react to them . It’s a crying shame that they can’t control themselves .
But can’t you go ahead and enjoy with a crystal clear caveat you won’t be baby sitting them ?

I know what you mean I have a friend like this . Lovely woman but can’t control her mouth on the wine

Usually people host at home and have nibbles but given your comment a meal out might better

I think drinks NO BU . Getting shitted U

But little you can do really Sad

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/06/2018 08:47

For me it fell down at sister is desperate to throw you a shower but needs you to pay for it. In which case, you’re throwing yourself a shower. Confused. IMO, baby showers are a load of shite anyway.

PatchworkGirl · 30/06/2018 09:04

I have never been to a baby shower but I wouldn't think you are unreasonable. I know many people seem the think that nothing can be celebrated (or even enjoyed) without alcohol but I really would have expected this to be the one exception - I am quite surprised to here its not tbh.

DoinItForTheKids · 30/06/2018 09:06

Agree with everyone - I honestly think I'd be saying "Shove the shower" - go and do something nice for you instead OP. I can't see it ending up being an event in life that you look back on fondly and with warmth - sounds like a lot of stress and for you, there will be an unwanted and predictable outcome to the shower due to the behaviours of the two family members.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/06/2018 09:10

I’d tell them to stick it. Really. You don’t even particularly want a party, they’re insisting on it and turning it into a booze up. How is any of this benefiting you, the mum to be?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/06/2018 09:13

As a guest to a baby shower, I would need a drink just to get through it.

You don't have to drink but other adults can decide for themselves.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 30/06/2018 09:17

My friends ended up a bit squiffy at my baby shower but that's because we went to a nice place for lunch that did cocktails, and we don't always manage to get us all together.

It wasn't shots though!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/06/2018 09:28

Baby showers are just a get together and an opportunity to give the gift you would have sent anyway - it’s no biggie

Gazelda · 30/06/2018 09:30

"dear sis. I'm pleased that you're enjoying organising this baby shower. But as you know, it's not really my thing so I'd like you to tone it down a bit - I'll be nearing the end of the pregnancy, tired, feeling Big, unable to drink and probably won't be able to keep awake for more than a couple of hours! I don't mind a couple of bottles of fizz to share between the guests, but I'd be really upset if the event turned into a piss-up that I can't join in with and at my expense! Sure you understand. I'm looking forward to copious amounts of cake and fun games though! (Inward cringe)"

I think you made a mistake in agreeing to this, especially as you are paying. But put your foot down over the alcohol. And make it clear that you'll be around for a couple of hours and then have to leave because of tiredness/piles/swollen ankles/midwife appt/whatever.

SaucyJack · 30/06/2018 09:38

Why would anyone need a drink to get through a baby shower?

If you don't like the expectant mum enough to be able to enjoy having a cup of tea with them whilst showing a bit of interest in their future baby, then it's probably best not to go at all.

And I'm saying that as a person who bloody loves a drink.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 09:43

Indeed SaucyJack. I think that comment you are referring too was meant to convey; “look at me, I’m so cool and ‘on message’ in MN land - I’d need a stiff drink to get through one of those god awful baby showers fnar fnar” Hmm.

HorribleSinger · 30/06/2018 09:44

Well I had mine in a pub so everyone bought their own drinks 🙈 I put the food on.

This time a friend and I are having a joint one and it will be alcohol free I think.

It's just a chance to catch up with friends before the baby comes and takes over your life isn't it.

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2018 09:46

“look at me, I’m so cool and ‘on message’ in MN land - I’d need a stiff drink to get through one of those god awful baby showers fnar
fnar

There are genuine reasons why going to a baby shower is hard. Recent miscarriage, infertility etc.

TaleasoldasTimee · 30/06/2018 09:46

You can't dictate whether or not people drink?! That's ridiculous.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 09:57

That’s true @purple. Sorry if that’s the case. I assumed it was a too cool for school comment from the anti-baby shower brigade.