What is it called and why do people do this?

[LadyRussell]

It might not just be bosses - people in general.

I have had two bosses who when you have a conversation with them about anything personal (maybe when in the office alone on a Friday afternoon). You say something but they don’t actually respond to what you have said they just interject with a similar longer tale of their own and on then the conversation is totally focused on them. It’s like they are totally incapable of having a two way conversation- my boss atm is just awful for this and will laugh for too long at her not very funny in the first place jokes.

Is this some sort of personality disorder- seriously, like boy being able to properly interact with people?

I do it too, as do, to an even greater degree, members if my family. It is not entirely because I am lonely and self absorbed, though both adjectives apply. It is also because I am a huge over sharer, way more open about my life than other people, way more willing to share details.

So, in the cat scenario, as a cat lover, I know I would have expressed sorrow and asked about the cat, but if you had kept it low key and not opened up about your feelings or told me many details, I know I would have started on about my experience of losing a pet or being worried about a pet, or similar.

Sorry, I can see it is irritating.

I ended up relying on my mum doing this as a distraction during an awful breakup. It was the only interaction I could get from her at the time, which is sad really, but I took what I could get even if it was just repeated stories about the neighbours fence woes.
Things are better now, but I’ve learned from this and other experiences that I can’t rely on her for emotional support

I do this too. This is my mum’s conversational style and I think I grew up (subconsciously) believing it was just how one conversed. I always viewed it as demonstrating empathy/understanding rather than being about self obsession. I didn’t actually realise that it was inappropriate/annoying until I got to my mid 20s.

I make a conscious effort to avoid being like this now, but struggle to know how to make conversation naturally without this “prop”. I am a socially awkward person and am always monitoring what I’m saying in case I’m being irritating/not asking enough questions/not listening well enough. It’s exhausting. I would love to be one of those people who could just chat freely and not have to worry about this stuff!

You could be talking about my boss OP. The world seems to literally revolve around him!

It’s a perfectly normal human trait, you talk about your experience, they share something with you from their experience to demonstrate that they’ve been in a similar situation and so can empathise. If they then carry on afterwards without listening to anything you’re saying, that’s different. But the initial sharing of a similar experience is just what people do!

I do this because I was always bad at conversations. So I worked out that I could find things I relate to in what the person is saying, and add my experience/views etc.

I know I do it too much and try to stop but I'm just not good with conversation and that's my comfortable place, I guess.

I do this all the time I don't mean to, its to show the other person that I have some understanding of whats happening and see if we can problem solve together if need be as its easier to open up to someone who you don't have to explain what everything is because they have had a similar experience.

If you check my profile you will see all my replies seem to be long and detailed, this isnt to detract from OP its to give the context of where im coming from so if they want support they know if i might be someone they can lean on. Also detailed because things in text can be misconstrued so easily.

See, there's a difference between sharing similar experiences to show the other person you can relate and turning the conversation round to suddenly have the focus entirely on you, or using the other person's experience as a launching off point for your own self absorbed ramblings.

So in the first instance it might go something like this:
A: I'm so upset, I have to have my cat pts
B: Oh gosh, that's terrible. I remember when my cat was pts and it was awful. It's distressing isn't it. How old was he/she? etc

But in the second instance it might go something like this:
A: I'm so upset, I have to have my cat pts.
B: Oh I remember when I had to have my cat put to sleep and I was so upset. I got stuck in a traffic jam on the way and I couldn't stop crying and then when I got into the vet's the receptionist couldn't find my appointment and I had to wait in the waiting room for another half an hour...yadda yadda yadda....

There's a distinct difference so to those who feel bad - if you were as absorbed as the person in scenario two then you wouldn't actually feel bad because you'd be too busy thinking about yourself.

This thread is timely as I am dealing with someone like this and it is exhausting and I now want to avoid her entirely.

It's not just bosses. This happens at least once in almost every mumsnet thread.

a lot of people do this. Not just your bosses. It's called being an egomaniac.

If it was on a thread it would be called derailing I guess! Railroading is another term

Chirpy it is exhausting. I can't go to work socials because this woman annoys me do much dominating every conversation and turning it all on to her.

For those asking how to converse without dominating and talking too much about themselves, you might find these an interesting resource:

www.bartleby.com/27/8.html

www.goodreads.com/book/show/399371.Polite_Conversation

My husband does this. Constantly. It does my head in as I can't talk about anything without him referring to himself and how he has dealt with/would deal with whatever it is I'm on about. I used to ignore him and try to steer him back to the relevant point but it happens so often now I end up telling him I don't give a shit about what he would do/did and storm off

My ex boss who I said about upthread.... if you did manage to get out two sentences about yourself, you could see her body language saying HURRY UP and her not listening to a word, just waiting to interrupt and talk about herself. She'd say 'yes yes yes' in quick succession. So rude. It was just meant to hurry you up

My current boss does this. He will talk about himself for ages but if the conversation moves back to me, he will tune out of the conversation (starts looking at emails etc) or tries to wind the convo up. I find it so rude and I don’t think it’s social awkwardness, I think he’s self absorbed and an ego maniac. I started to avoid having 121s with him as I couldn’t take an hour being talked at. I felt because I’m fairly quiet/introvert he thinks he can dominate the conversations and I bloody hate people trying to exert power over me just because I’m quiet.

I’ve come to the conclusion you just can’t have a two way equal conversation with some people.

I’ve come to the conclusion you just can’t have a two way equal conversation with some people

^^ This.

chirpy has illustrated it perfectly. Yes, conversation can be a two way thing, both relating experiences, but if it's just one sided with someone not listening and just wanting to talk about themselves, it's awful.

My DH does this too but he's much better since I've called him up on it. He doesn't want to be nosy by asking questions and doesn't realise it's empathetic! My MIL is like this too, she can actually be a very sympathetic listener, but she often turns the conversation around to her experience, which can ramble on for a while.

I think I do a bit of both - I'm socially awkward and manage it by being quiet, asking all the questions and generally being a good listener, though it can sometimes be very tiring. When I'm feeling a bit anxious I overtalk/overshare because I'm insecure about my contribution. So I feel safer as a listener.

Really interesting to hear other people's experiences from both sides.

@LadyRussell

One-Upping? That's what it sounds like and being self-absorbed isn't a personality disorder. She's just an asshat.

Somebody at work does and this at work, and it’s definitely to do with oneupmanship. Monopolising conversation is very bad manners.

Ahhhhhh I do this. I didn't realise it was a 'thing'! I do it more with strangers and situations where I'm not comfortable as I'm fairly socially awkward. I think with friends I'm an OK listener but with strangers I'm more often worried about keeping the conversation flowing and concentrate too much on thinking of things to say about shared experiences etc that I probably forget the listening and questioning bit. I am just awful at small talk, I prefer deep and meaningful type conversations and am never sure what's appropriate or inappropriate to ask when you don't know someone well. It's definitely not because I think I'm better or more important than the other party! I'm going to try and step back and listen a bit more now I know it gets on so many people's nerves though. Sorry!!!