What is it called and why do people do this?

[LadyRussell]

It might not just be bosses - people in general.

I have had two bosses who when you have a conversation with them about anything personal (maybe when in the office alone on a Friday afternoon). You say something but they don’t actually respond to what you have said they just interject with a similar longer tale of their own and on then the conversation is totally focused on them. It’s like they are totally incapable of having a two way conversation- my boss atm is just awful for this and will laugh for too long at her not very funny in the first place jokes.

Is this some sort of personality disorder- seriously, like boy being able to properly interact with people?

My boss does this! She’s lovely but if you try to tell her anything about yourself (even if she’s asked!) she’s like “yeah so this happened to me... (insert never ending tale about something only vaguely related to the conversation)...”

Omg, my boss does this! Had never thought of it as being common to bosses nationwide. I say things that are perfectly normal conversation starters/comments (small talk) and he often just doesn’t say... anything. Just goes on to talk about himself, and I have to respond as he repeats the same story or comment over and over in different ways. It’s not charming. I don’t have this problem with anyone else so think it’s him not me! Drives me nuts.

Last Friday I was trying to leave work (we go finish at 4 on Fridays) and was going to take my cat to the vet to have her pts.

She held me up and made me late telling me about when she had her cat pts.

I hadn’t mentioned this all day nor allowed it to affect my work

It's called not listening.

They're sort of listening but really what they're doing (when you're talking) is waiting for the next opportunity to turn the conversation back to them. So annoying.

Anyway, back to me

But how do you ever learn anything...

I do this, and I always have (have school reports complaining about it from primary school). I just think that everyone else’s stories aren’t as interesting as mine. I don’t think it’s an attractive facet of my personality and I work very hard not to do it, but I always want to. Me and DH have a secret signal for if I’m doing it as it is worse if I’m excited or nervous.

OMG I’ve done it again!!

It’s ‘relating’. They can relate to what you said because they’ve had an experience of that ‘something’ too. But carrying on about yourself after that is ‘self absorbtion’.

Black catting- if you've seen a black cat, they've seen a blacker one.

I just smile & ignore. And try to catch myself before I do it without thinking

I think I do this. I try my hardest not to, and nobody has ever told me that I do it, but I just feel like I do. I do listen very carefully to people and they still seem keen to talk to me, so maybe I'm not too bad. I can get quite intense and I feel like I'm continuing the conversation by trying to say that I understand what they're going through and adding my own experiences or thoughts. I am worried about doing this with my sister in law at the moment. She is pregnant with her first and I have had two children, so keep referring back to my own pregnancies during conversation, but then I sit there wondering how much I am saying compared to her and whether I am dominating the conversation. I don't really know how to do conversation otherwise. I do also ask lots of questions and use humour, but my own experiences are what I know so I'm not sure how to talk without doing that. I am going to ask her whether I do it and I know she will be brutally honest! I come from a family where it is normal to butt in and talk over each other and only realised that I do it too about five years ago. I make sure I hold back and wait until they have finished before I speak now. I think I'm a bit too keen I definitely don't do it because I think I know more or am 'elevenerifing' people - more trying to join in with the topics they seem to find interesting and show interest too.

This gets worse as people get older. My dad and my MIL are both terrible for this.

My boss also does this. She can talk for an hour about herself. She is very, very socially awkward. I try to get on with my work and make appropriate noises.

I do this but only briefly to show empathy and understanding but always try to turn the conversation back as I am one nosy bitch.

Some people are just awful at this. I had a boss like this, she was deffo a narcissist, worst boss ever.

One of my colleagues was going through absolute hell nursing her dying mother. Boss would say "how's your Mum?" to her. Colleague would start to say a little about it being not good and she could barely get a sentence out before boss started. "Oh I know what it's like, when my father died 25 years ago I was there for him blah blah blah" for the next 10 minutes. Selfish bitch. My colleague was in a difficult place with her Mum but boss just used everything to talk about herself. She would ask questions of the staff that she wanted to use to relate about herself and her life.

There is an art to listening. Just because you've been through something similar, it doesn't mean that someone who is struggling necessarily wants to hear about your experience.

Good points. Some people are in an absolute bubble of self absorption and have to direct every single conversation back to themselves. I find that I could write a PhD on my colleagues but they know nothing about me, nor care to ask!
I have one colleague who, without fail and whatever the topic, brings the focus back on to her.

LadyRussell you don't, that's the problem.

Some people don't know how to communicate.

It's often people trying to connect.

You tell them something, they return with something similar.

If your wanting to talk deeper say straight - can I talk to you about something...xyz. The other person then knows a deeper level of conversation is required

I know two people who do this and in both cases I think it’s down to shy/awkwardness. Like they are desperate to make a useful contribution and talk, so as soon as they think of something to say they jump in and say it.

That’s my charitable interpretation. Other times I think that they’re just more interested in themselves than they are in anyone else.

My mum does this but makes it about my brother! She’ll ask how my dh is, I’ll be allowed one sentence before she starts banging on about something similar my brother did related to the topic. It drives me nuts, so I stopped her one day and asked her why she always did it. She was shocked. I genuinely think she wasn’t aware she did it. She’s stopped now and actually listens. Miraculous!

I think I used to do this and still sort of do but then I have AS and for me it is a way to show that I am listening and interested in what they have to say and see how I have something that is similar to them - I don't consciously Eleven-arife it though!

Also some people have lots on their mind and if talking constantly about themselves....

Ask them what's going on in their lives...you might be surprised at what you hear

It could be a case of just accepting that people your working with are only able to communicate on a superficial level.

I work with people in harrowing situations. I've learned there is always a reason someone takes the convo back to themselves...and that sometimes I need to listen first and not expect something back in return...even if it gets frustrating.

I have a friend who does this! if you start to tell her about something, eg a film you have seen, a book you have read she jumps in with her own critique, even if she hasn't seen the film or read the book - she will have read a review or knows someone else who has seen it, read it..... I used to let her get away with it more, but now I say why don't we save your comments for a discussion after you have seen it/read it...

Shit I do this! Otherwise, I feel like I'm asking what might be sensitive questions, or shit questions that I will neither know anything about the answer or remember. Or I sit there quiet and worry that I am seeming uninterested.

I agree it's part of being socially awkward. I never try to top their story, if they have been to Tenerife I would say "I went there with my family in my mid-teens, loved it, did you enjoy it?". I might ask whereabouts they went but that wouldn't mean anything to me, I have no idea of place names, even where I went... So conversation stopper.

I seem to do it more and more with my younger sister trying to give advice, and always feel like at the time it's helpful but wonder afterwards if I'm just being rude. She always asks for advice, and rather than pick something from her own life to use as an example I pick something similar from mine, otherwise, I'd feel like I'm picking on her (she's very sensitive).

Those of you who do this, is it just social awkwardness? Do you find you have no interest in others lives? I have a neighbour who is 95 and lives alone. I often go to check that she's ok, and what strikes me is how interesting she is. She asks me about my life, tells me about hers. We talk fashion, current affairs, Royals, whatever. I wonder if that keeps her healthy and alert?

they are lonely, unaware, self absorbed. Nobody has ever listened to them so they dont know how to do it.

Some people are just horrible as well.

Some people pretend to be interested and glaze over .