What is it called and why do people do this?

[LadyRussell]

It might not just be bosses - people in general.

I have had two bosses who when you have a conversation with them about anything personal (maybe when in the office alone on a Friday afternoon). You say something but they don’t actually respond to what you have said they just interject with a similar longer tale of their own and on then the conversation is totally focused on them. It’s like they are totally incapable of having a two way conversation- my boss atm is just awful for this and will laugh for too long at her not very funny in the first place jokes.

Is this some sort of personality disorder- seriously, like boy being able to properly interact with people?

OMG my boss does this as well! He is a lovely guy, but even during my supervision he'll start going off into an anecdote about his own experiences.

Once my colleague was really upset over a very traumatic situation, and he said 'Oh don't worry Myrtle - twenty years ago when I was in my first job...' and was obviously prepared for another long vaguely related story. I had the nerve to say " Hold on Bob - this isn't about you, it's about Myrtle'.

It worked once , but he still does it. Even if he gets interrupted, he'll just start again where he left off

Is self-absorption an ego thing? Is it a sign of low self-esteem or high self-esteem? I know several people like this, all women, who can only talk about themselves. Literally they are incapable of continuing a conversation without making it about them. One of them does the black catting thing as well, which is buttock clenchingly cringey especially when she's making all sorts of ridiculous claims about her abilities and achievements. What's worse is that she is successful and talented but seems to need to claim talents and successes that she doesn't have or would ever be capable of.

My ex boss who I said about upthread.... if you did manage to get out two sentences about yourself, you could see her body language saying HURRY UP and her not listening to a word, just waiting to interrupt and talk about herself. She'd say 'yes yes yes' in quick succession. So rude. It was just meant to hurry you up

Rafik I don't think your Tenerife convo is in any way like this! That's just being interested and feeding the conversation back.

I find a lot of people have this trait. I find it beyond rude, irritating and boring. Please, just STFU!

Remembering an older woman at the afternoon tea after my Dad's funeral going on and on and on about when HER Dad died makes my blood boil.

God, but I just hate small talk with people I don't really know. Friends are fine, the conversation flows normally as we catch up with what has been going on, but with unknown people I often have no point of reference (like shared experiences), and I catch myself doing terrible things like not asking polite questions and not listening (because I've just discovered they are boring). I also have form for interrupting, because my parents did and I suppose I always thought it was the norm. I really have to restrain myself. I also have a friend who is a story topper, her favourite phrase being "well, that's nothing,the other day....." and then launches into an unlikely yarn.
And names, I wish I could remember names! So embarrassing when you find someone is really good fun but can't remember what they are called. Social interaction is a minefield I navigate badly.

Hijacking conversations is very common and very evident in threads on mumsnet.

One of the reason my best friend is no longer my best friend. She'd call me, yabber on for 59 mins and then ask "how are you". By then I couldn't be bothered.

Conversely, I am so aware of NOT doing this and the fact that I feel like I have nothing exciting to say... I feel sociably useless in many situations

Ahhhh my Mum does this and it drives me bonkers. I really like her but have learned not to expect too much from her in conversation. She ALWAYS makes it about herself.

It is quite cathartic to read here about others experiences of it.

One example if mine:
I recently gave birth and was telling her about a moment in the process when I felt particularly proud if how I handled it. It was something really important to me that I wanted to share with her and I suppose for her to acknowledge it and tell me I did well.
She waited til I finished talking then said “Well anyway...” and started talking about something tangental about her (not birth related and really boring). Did not acknowledge my story at all. I have learned not to get too upset now though and can laugh about it with DP afterwards. It is much easier to handle if there is someone else around to witness it!

Conversely, I’d love to learn the trick of being a great conversationalist. One of my Aunts is amazing! She remembers stuff you have told her and gently asks open questions. She manages to make you feel like the most interesting person she has met. Also brings up amusing and relevant anecdotes from her own life, talks about other family members in a way that shows she takes a genuine interest in their lives. I feel like I should take notes sometimes!

My mum does this and agree with pp that it's getting worse as she gets older! I don't remember her being like this when I was younger but now it's like she's only half listening before she interjects with her own similar story. She doesn't do it to get 'one-up' I think it's just her way of making conversation but it drives me mad!

I had a conversation like this yesterday with my aunt 😶 I couldn't get a word on edge wise

Although I do do it in certain situations in the context @UpstartCrow mentioned, but not all the time!

I think I do this too - certainly my parents do and I find myself doing it as well. Not two shitting as such, more just that I get kind of excited when there’s something I can relay which seems relevant to their story (if we’ve been to the same place etc).

I’m also trying really hard not to do it and bring the conversation back to the other person as much as I can.

I also feel awkward asking lots of questions of people so that’s why I think I do it.

Laurel your aunt sounds great! It's a case of genuinely being interested in people not just yourself. I work with 5 people. One woman I have worked with for 7 years. I know everything about her, she does not know I have children.

Done to a lesser degree, it's called empathy. Done to the degree you describe it's called "now let's talk about me". Lots of people do it, and I'm probably guilty too.

We are going on holiday to Wales this year. Shall I tell you about it?

Wales sounds lovely, Frogle. Whereabouts?

@Redinthefacegirl haha...we use the same expression...Tommy Two Shits 😂

Oh...and MN is FULL of people doing this...posts that start with (when replying to an OP)...'This reminds me, OP, of a time when....' and they then ramble on for eleventyfive paragraphs about some incident in their life that might be vaguely similar to the OP's post, but doesn't actually help! Drives me bonkers! Start your own thread!

I do it too. Sorry

I even had it brought up at a performance review at work. Ironically by the one person in the office who is worse than me for it.

For me it’s social awkwardness, I am fascinated by people and love to hear their stories, but I fell like I owe them my story. Also, as pp said, if they’ve been to Tenerife, then I can share stores about it. I’m not trying to top your story, just find common ground. Its just that im a bit shit at it.

To anyone who knows me. I’m so, so sorry. I try hard not to do it. And in general I have the kind of relationships with friends and colleagues where people are comfortable telling me to zip it.

I think I’d fail the Turing test.

Can't stand people like this. It makes me feel so small, like I'm just a soundboard. Two friends have been like this and eventually I told them and they were both shocked, one carried on so I drifted apart, and the other sorted herself out and we had two way convos again! My mum does it occasionally as she has so much to say and not enough people to say it to. I'm honest and tell her and she calms/slows down.

DH does this! I've never told him though (he doesn't seem to do it with me). I think as some others have said, it's an attempt to relate to someone else's experience but he tends to miss out the actual relating bit by moving swiftly on to his own story without acknowledging theirs... I definitely wouldn't describe him as self-absorbed but think conversation doesn't really come very naturally to him.

Wow, this thread has been interesting. I do this to some extent because I thought that's how you were supposed to have a conversation, by sharing experiences, opinions on a subject. Or are you just talking about people who go on about themselves all the time?

So, I'm not doing it because I think I'm great and you're boring, I'm doing it because I'm clumsily trying to share thoughts on the same topic.

I do this. I'm quite socially awkward though. What are you supposed to do then? In the cat scenario I would definitely talk about my own cat. I don't really like asking questions though. I do have lots of old friends I can chat for hours with.

One of my friends who does this confided in me once that she felt people didn't tell her things about themselves. When I asked her if she asked them questions about their lives she was amazed that she should have to. She had been brought up to share her thoughts and expected others to do the same. She's got a bit better over the last 15 years I've known her but she used to be completely self absorbed.

My mum does it, it's more nervousness mixed with never really learning to have a conversation. I've had to learn to actually give my opinions if I want to have an interesting discussion rather than a superficial chat. I think it's rare to meet people who are truly empathetic and interested as well as interesting, it's a real skill