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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let employers know I’m having bariatric surgery?

117 replies

Mollie85 · 29/06/2018 18:31

Am planning bariatric surgery at the start of a two week leave period in October. I am having a sleeve. Realise lots of people are against this and have been doing my research for a long time, so please- no helpful horror stories Grin I’ve made up my mind.

My Aibu is this: Am I being unreasonable to not let my employer know? I won’t be using up sick leave, just annual leave and by all accounts should be able to return to work in two weeks (sedate desk job, no lifting).

I presume I don’t have an obligation to tell them (certainly nothing in my contract) but wondered if I should let HR know should something go wrong and I need extra time?

Thanks in advance Smile

OP posts:
Ummmmgogo · 29/06/2018 19:46

good luck with the surgery. there is a huge stigma to gastric surgery I wouldn't tell anyone unless it's absolutely necessary and you are sure you can cope with any negative comments.

Isabella1978 · 29/06/2018 19:50

Why do people think it is easy? A sleeve is irreversible and causes major changes to your life.
I am lucky, I gradually told people at work when I stopped being embarrassed about it...took me three months and had become pretty obvious something had happened as I was in a wheelchair so impossible to exercise. My colleagues were amazing and 18 months later still so supportive and pleased and proud for me. I think people can be discouraging when it is an 'other' ie someone they don't know, but tend to be different when they can observe for themselves.
Btw I seem to be mostly over the embarrassment and just tell everyone! In 18 months I am now down by 12 stone and still going...

Original poster
Mollie85 · 29/06/2018 19:50

Thank you. I am hoping to take the two weeks and be fine and then go back (no children and I live alone so can really relax).

Then should there be issues (like grumpybum had) I will see the dr.

Negative comments will annoy me but I won’t take them to heart. No one knows what each individual persons struggle is with anything in life, so I’ll just roll my eyes and laugh with a little “thanks for your opinion” subject change
Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollie85 · 29/06/2018 19:51

Isabella you have done fantastically! Flowers

Any top tips? Grin

OP posts:
Mouikey · 29/06/2018 19:51

As a bypasser I didn’t tell work but did take the (5 weeks) as sick leave (back in 2009). I also only told a couple of close colleagues who I trusted. Be prepared for speculation if you tell any of them you have had an operation. Some People thought I had back surgery, one person asked me if I was dying (and had cancer!).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/06/2018 19:52

Good luck, Mollie, hope the operation goes well and that your recovery is swift and complete. You go girl! :)

RideOn · 29/06/2018 19:59

No you don't have to tell them but I think that is quite optimistic to have just 2 weeks off, even in a sedentary job that you can do at your own pace.

I think you will need longer. You can ask for "post operative recovery" on your sick note if you do need longer.

Watto1 · 29/06/2018 20:01

I didn't tell anyone at work when I had my gastric band. Took 2 weeks annual leave and was fine to go back after that (office job). I avoided lifting for a little while after that with a "pulled muscle". It wasn't unusual for me to have soup or Slimfast shakes for lunch so nobody noticed that I didn't eat solids for a couple of weeks. One colleague guessed that something was up when I started to take ages to eat a sandwich so I did confide in her and she has been the soul of discretion and very supportive. It's been nearly three years now and I am a comfortable size 10. So glad I had it done.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 29/06/2018 20:02

I would tell someone that you're having surgery - just in case your recovery is slow and that way you don't have to go into detailed explanations if you are delayed in returning. It's very annoying when people go off sick after annual leave, speaking as an employer! You may also need to go home early if you're having a bad day etc.

My DDs MIL had one done at Christmas - she had it done on the NHS as her weight was causing a lot of medical problems. She found the recovery really hard to start, and often felt light headed/dizzy due to not taking many calories in. That can take a while to adjust to, which is the reason why I'd say something.

But totally your call. Well done for taking such a positive and brave step to change your life Flowers.

Isabella1978 · 29/06/2018 20:02

Activia yoghurts worked when I wanted something sweet.
Get used to not being able to clear a plate AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT LEAVING FOOD!!
If you want a piece of chocolate, have it, you will probably only manage a square anyway.
Just remember your motivation for doing it and it will change your life completely.
I am so pleased for you, I know I don't know you or anything, but surgery like this brings us together as it is such a last resort and unless you have been through it, I don't think you can fully understand. Just many hugs and best wishes xx

GorgonLondon · 29/06/2018 20:02

Why would you keep it secret if you think it's nothing to be ashamed of?

GorgonLondon · 29/06/2018 20:05

My DDs MIL had one done at Christmas - she had it done on the NHS as her weight was causing a lot of medical problems.

It's no wonder the NHS is on its knees really...

I've had anorexia and bulimia for twenty years now and it's a bloody hard struggle. And a fight I have to fight myself. What a shame there's no quick fix available - people with eating disorders are mostly just left to sort out our own problems, or die Sad

binkyblinky · 29/06/2018 20:08

Best of luck, I had this operation two years ago and it's the best thing I've ever done !!

Original poster
Mollie85 · 29/06/2018 20:13

Gorgon thanks for your comment and I am sorry to hear of your awful disorder. I hope you can get whatever help you need.

I am not ashamed but I voiced my reasons clearly up thread when I said that people at work when discussing it had had a very negative attitude toward the whole thing.

As someone who suffers from and is being treated for anxiety, I just don’t need that kind of negativity prior to the operation, which is likely to make me worried and doubtful.

As said above, once fully recovered, I will tell anyone I want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollie85 · 29/06/2018 20:14

It’s so nice also to hear from others who have had it done and can share some experiences Grin

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 29/06/2018 20:15

GorgonLondon, I don't think it's a competition.

People with eating disorders don't have to fight by themselves. There's therapy.

Wheretheresawill1 · 29/06/2018 20:16

Gorgon I think you could argue that overeating to the extent of being morbidly obese is also an eating disorder

BlueJava · 29/06/2018 20:17

Good luck hope it gives you what you need! You don't have to tell them.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 29/06/2018 20:18

I had 13 weeks off after my sleeve (was advised to take 6 weeks off but had complications). You feel wiped out for the first couple of weeks and then while you're on the purees it can be so boring, you crave something with texture! But it is easily the best decision I have made.

Good luck!!

LuMarie · 29/06/2018 20:27

I misread as "barbaric surgery" and I didn't know what a sleeve was, so I was thinking good god what is going on with this woman's arm?!

No you have no moral obligation to share private medical details. Everyone else has a moral obligation to not be judgemental, take a walk in someone's shoes and all!

See how you are, if you feel you need a bit more time off all you need is a simple "I had routine surgery, it's nothing serious and I'll be fine, I just need a bit more time to recover" plus doctor's note. You'll know towards the end of time off if you're likely to need more, you can get in touch then, it's still letting them know as soon as you do, no explaining needed.

Except maybe the sausage rolls:)

Good luck!

Original poster
Mollie85 · 29/06/2018 20:27

Thanks once again for your kind messages Flowers

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/06/2018 20:35

It's no wonder the NHS is on its knees really....

As a tax payer (and a pragmatist) I would much rather pay for a gastric sleeve than the joint replacements, type 2 diabetes, stroke, heart attacks, increased levels of cancer, depression and all the other stuff that comes with being morbidly obese.

Good luck Op!

Isabella1978 · 29/06/2018 20:41

@GorgonLondon well you can take delight in the fact I paid for mine....14 grand. Have now saved NHS a fortune since.
The other three major surgeries I've had in the last three years, gallbladder removal, c-section and total hip replacement, only the c-section was on NHS. In that time between my dad, my husband, and my taxes we have paid over 200 grand. We are not well off but have had to pay this out of necessity. I am 39 years old and was not prepared to lose the rest of my life in a wheelchair or taking from the NHS.
Your attitude is fucking atrocious and all I have to say to you is ODFOD.

GorgonLondon · 29/06/2018 20:43

Mumoftwo Why should the NHS pay for any of those consequences of morbid obesity?

I've got several friends who have lost huge amounts of weight (7 or 8 stone) through fixing their HEADS and changing the way they were around food, rather than through surgery.

I think it's a terrible precedent - if people know they can get surgery, there is much less incentive to lose weight in a safer, healthier way that does not cost tens of thousands of pounds and use up masses of NHS resources.

The pragmatic view would look beyond those individuals who are currently morbidly obese, and ask what effect it's likely to have on those who might become that way in the future

DistanceCall GorgonLondon, I don't think it's a competition. People with eating disorders don't have to fight by themselves. There's therapy.

Do you have any idea how (1) ineffective and (2) difficult to access therapy is?

I don't think it's a competition either. I only included it in my previous post to pre-empt the sort of 'oh if you've never struggled with weight you have no idea what it's like' comment.

I don't think we should be doing these surgeries on the NHS.

DistanceCall · 29/06/2018 20:49

Do you have any idea how (1) ineffective and (2) difficult to access therapy is?

I do have some idea, yes. And I completely agree that therapy should be made much more easily available.

However, many therapists have sliding scales when it comes to payment. And you need to keep trying until you find a therapist who works for you. It is your life, after all.

And as for your argument against paying for bariatric surgery because people choose to overeat. You could just as easily say that people choose to starve themselves or throw up, so why should they be helped?

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