DP hiding what he's spending.

[YanCerise]

Me and DP have a baby on the way, due in October. We don't have a huge amount of money and I'm worried about affording my maternity leave. He keeps getting deliveries to the house, and they're random things for his DSD that are usually between £200 and £1000. He must've spent about £4000 so far. I see him looking at these things on eBay, but when I asked him if he was buying them he said no as he can't afford it. We have a joint account that just covers bills, mortgage etc, then have our own separate money. Turns out he DID buy the thing he was looking at on eBay and it's just arrived with a price of £1200 on the front. I've asked him to contribute towards stuff for the baby and he says he's not got much money and wants to do everything as cheap as possible, but he's happy to spend 1000+ on DSD on something that I can only describe as decorative and having no use.

I feel like he sees his DD as someone he has to provide for and someone he can spend endless amounts on, but he sees our DC as both of ours and a child we have to pay half of everything for each, and because I don't have a lot of money everything we get for our child will be dirt cheap because that's all I can afford half of.

AIBU to think that he's just hiding his spending habits from me and is happy for me to struggle along?

I'm feeling really down and tearful and like I'm just bottom of the pile. So fed up.

Have you discussed how your finances will work when you’re on maternity leave? Obviously he will have to contribute more, both when you’re off, and towards child related expenses.

@19lottie82 he just says 'don't worry we are going to be fine' - it doesn't really go much deeper than that. I'm trying to save so I can pay what I would normally pay as I am so scared he won't be able to support us.

How does your step daughter feel about the arrival of the baby? Maybe your partner is trying to overcompensate by buying stuff?

@Mercurial123 she's really excited and keeps asking when baby is coming. He's been doing this since before I was pregnant but I didn't worry so much then as we weren't saving and baby wasn't on the cards.

How does he respond when you say: “how will we be fine?”

'don't worry we are going to be fine'

Nope. No way. NOT acceptable. You need to sit down and agree actual figures BEFORE the baby arrives . The last thing you want is to be begging him for money for nappies ect.

If he refuses I’d be re thinking this relationship. A decent partner wouldn’t behave like this and you have your baby to think of.

he May be fine, yes, but will you and your baby be?

What did get his daughter?

How much does he earn, if you don’t mind me asking?

@19lottie82 we both earn around 30k each. Sounds like a lot but with my bank loan and our large outgoings it's not a huge amount.

Send the £1200 parcel back and demand he hands over that cash to you for your baby!!!!

I'm trying to save so I can pay what I would normally pay as I am so scared he won't be able to support us.

If you do this, he will accept this position I suspect. He will let you. And he shouldn't. It will be hugely unfair. Without a big gaping hole in finances that he has to step up to, he will pootle along quite happily thank-you-very-much, without stopping to think how on earth someone whose income has massively reduced is still contributing as before...

That he's your DP rather than DH... you know that means that you're up s**t creek without the proverbial, financially, if things go wrong? Sorry to catastrophise, but MN is just full of people this has happened to :(

You need a big, big, serious, talk with him - now. If you wait till the situation is upon you... the excuses, the shock from him at the amounts! Remember to be selfish - you really must be. Imagine when the DC arrives, all your maternity pay goes to the joint account and the baby and you have nada. Zilch. Nothing to spend on yourself. You want some new clothes? How will the conversation go when you ask him for money to buy yourself something?

Oh my word, I sound dire :/ sorry. Ironically dark for such a sunny day! I think I'm projecting as there's some financially disparity on the horizon in my own relationship... I really hope all goes well when you have the talk! Xx

He sounds really immature. Work out the costs of having the baby and present him with the figures. He needs to grow up.

How old is the dsd? And what the actual fuck is he buying for that price?

I'd leave him if he won't change right now, otherwise once the baby is here and you're on ML, it will all be HIS money that HE earns and he'll resent you being at home 'doing nothing all day' and you'll have to show food shopping receipts to account for every penny while wearing your shoes with holes in and charity shop garms, while he's swanning around spending as he likes, because it's all HIS money.

@Eliza9917 she's 7, and I don't really want to say! All I can say is they're just decorative pieces that will apparently be worth something one day. Collectibles I guess.

YANBU. You have understood the situation perfectly.

he's just hiding his spending habits from me and is happy for me to struggle along? I'm feeling really down and tearful and like I'm just bottom of the pile.

Yep, that's your situation.

Save your money. I would keep that secret if I were you and let him think he need to pay 100% while you are on ML.

As you are not married you need will to get back to work asap to protect yourself. Do not give up your job or go part time or you are potentially fucked financially.

What the fucking fuck costs £1200?

If you cant afford it, it shouldnt be happening

I do so much for DSD too. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much I contribute. AIBU to be sad that I've never been recognised beyond him saying 'I really appreciate you doing everything you do for me' ? I've never received an impromptu gift. In fact he even forgot to get me something for my birthday once! I'm a mug aren't I?

Have just read the first post. Any old shit is good enough for you.

@Juells what do you mean?

I do so much for DSD too. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much I contribute. AIBU to be sad that I've never been recognised beyond him saying 'I really appreciate you doing everything you do for me' ? I've never received an impromptu gift. In fact he even forgot to get me something for my birthday once! I'm a mug aren't I?

This will be your life if you don't deal with it now. Him spending his money on him and his daughter and you and your little one struggling for basics.

Yes you are a mug, sorry. Have the baby, go back to work asap and make sure he pays half the childcare costs. You shouldn't be saving alone for ML, he should be saving too.

Argh I'm such an idiot! Why do people let themselves fall in to this trap? So so stupid.

And this is why you should get married before having children. You've all been told enough times. Stop moaning when you won't take the advice given

What Kernow said. This is exactly how so many women sleepwalk into financial ruin with the 'DP". These so-called partners become like flatmates who expect sex, housework and childcare on tap into addition to the ol' 50/50 on all things financial. Whatever you do don't ever quit your FT job to go PT or SAHM with this man. He's not in a partnership with you right now, this is why he fobs you off with 'we'll be fine'. Why did his first marriage break up?

@Whatshallidonowpeople because getting married makes people generous? We don't plan on ever getting married. That's our choice. Sorry you don't agree with it!

@WerkSupp they just didn't get on, but they split up a few years ago now. It's not really talked about to be honest. I don't know the in depth reasons other than that they drifted apart and just didn't want to be together anymore.