DP hiding what he's spending.

[YanCerise]

Me and DP have a baby on the way, due in October. We don't have a huge amount of money and I'm worried about affording my maternity leave. He keeps getting deliveries to the house, and they're random things for his DSD that are usually between £200 and £1000. He must've spent about £4000 so far. I see him looking at these things on eBay, but when I asked him if he was buying them he said no as he can't afford it. We have a joint account that just covers bills, mortgage etc, then have our own separate money. Turns out he DID buy the thing he was looking at on eBay and it's just arrived with a price of £1200 on the front. I've asked him to contribute towards stuff for the baby and he says he's not got much money and wants to do everything as cheap as possible, but he's happy to spend 1000+ on DSD on something that I can only describe as decorative and having no use.

I feel like he sees his DD as someone he has to provide for and someone he can spend endless amounts on, but he sees our DC as both of ours and a child we have to pay half of everything for each, and because I don't have a lot of money everything we get for our child will be dirt cheap because that's all I can afford half of.

AIBU to think that he's just hiding his spending habits from me and is happy for me to struggle along?

I'm feeling really down and tearful and like I'm just bottom of the pile. So fed up.

Stop doing all the stuff for his DSD. He needs to step up. He sounds extremely self-centred.

Do stop being a smug married,this is not about being unmarried.at all
Plenty wife’s post on mn that they financially struggle whilst their dh is solvent
Essential it’s about her dp not adjusting to impending fatherhood & commitments
He’s just simply suiting himself,and not considering you and baby

I'll bet you London to a brick his ex got sick of how self-centred, thoughtless and tight he is. That's why it's not talked about or considered drifting apart.

Did you post recently about DP refusing to spend anything on your DC-to-be?
If he won’t be open and discuss it I’d force the issue by moving £1200 from joint account to a saving for baby. Then tell him you’ve done it as you are sure he’ll want to treat all of his children equally.

@WerkSupp I have no idea to be honest. It is all speculation.

@TeatimeForTheSoul no I didn't but would be interested to see that thread. We don't have £1200 in our joint account! My savings are mine and his are his. I don't want to put my money in there because his spending habits worry me.

YanCerise what possible reason could you have for not wanting to go into a civil partnership

He will only pay what you can - that is awful and not a good response

A PP is right - I suspect the only thing that is done 50/50 is finances I suspect you do far more of the other stuff including looking after DSD

If he's anti-marriage or "wants to wait", with any luck the civil partnership legislation will come in quick enough so you could get one of those for protection, before then getting married? Sorry, I appreciate you perhaps also don't want a marriage or CP, but thought I'd just make the suggestion.

@Quartz2208 because if I did and was writing this question you'd probably all ask why I entered in to a civil partnership with him and didn't LTB!

Sorry! X post on marriage.

Do you WANT to LTB?

@TakeMeToKernow I don't know what I want. To be honest. I'm in limbo and feel like I'm falling in to a bit of a depression. I just feel numb.

He's not in this with you. And it's just like someone said, betcha the only thing that's 50/50 is finances.

Yan speak to someone in real life.
He’s taking the piss.
Start an exit plan.
Tell him you need x amount for baby stuff see how he responds.

To me from what you said it sounds like the collectables are for him not his child. Is the child allowed to play with them and thus ruin their resale value? Are you sure he's not just a hoarder?

Can he even afford these things, are you sure he’s not getting into debt?

I just don't know anymore. I'm in tears even writing this. I'm under so much pressure, I'm struggling with pregnancy, I struggling with everything yet my main worry is how the hell I can afford my maternity leave. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about all of this. I'm just so stuck and I feel like such a fool.

How much is your bank loan and are you paying for it out of the joint account?

Is he just making sure his daughter doesn’t feel left out or maybe ex partner is saying something about it

Oh Yan that's so blumin sad :( apart from financially, how are things? Do you live together? Happily?

Actually "any old shit" is mostly fine for babies.

It's actually mostly fine for 7 year olds too.

However, what is not fine is spending 1200 pounds without discussing it with a partner when you have a baby on the way and one parent is going on ML.

Sorry the above is coming across as being rude and I didn’t mean it to be

@YanCerise sorry don’t have a link, it was a few weeks ago but a very very similar situation. The advise was similar too suggesting there really needs to be open discussion with honest expectations spoken of. Then if future expectations differ markedly you have to work out if you can accept that or not.
There was some question as to whether the other post’ers DP was freaking out a bit at the thought of a new baby and focusing on what he knew i.e. his existing DD. That’s from memory so could be inaccurate.
How did your DP cope with pregnancy and birth last time?

Your main worry is how YOU will survive maternity leave - not as a couple but on your own - that is so sad that you feel so unsupported

@TeatimeForTheSoul I don't really know because we didn't know each other then. He seems to have coped with it well but of course he's probably avoiding talking about it as he most likely won't want to compare pregnancies etc.

It's £6600 and it was for my PhD. I pay for it myself out of my personal account.

@TakeMeToKernow we do, and we are happy. This pregnancy is very complicated and I'm finding it hard and painful (physically and mentally). He just seems to plod on. He doesn't support me financially. I am generous naturally but he I guess just isn't.

"don't worry we are going to be fine"
That must make your blood boil. He might as well have said "Don't you worry your pretty little head about that dear". Offensively patronising. Or trying to hide something such as debt, by not showing you his balance.