DP hiding what he's spending.

[YanCerise]

Me and DP have a baby on the way, due in October. We don't have a huge amount of money and I'm worried about affording my maternity leave. He keeps getting deliveries to the house, and they're random things for his DSD that are usually between £200 and £1000. He must've spent about £4000 so far. I see him looking at these things on eBay, but when I asked him if he was buying them he said no as he can't afford it. We have a joint account that just covers bills, mortgage etc, then have our own separate money. Turns out he DID buy the thing he was looking at on eBay and it's just arrived with a price of £1200 on the front. I've asked him to contribute towards stuff for the baby and he says he's not got much money and wants to do everything as cheap as possible, but he's happy to spend 1000+ on DSD on something that I can only describe as decorative and having no use.

I feel like he sees his DD as someone he has to provide for and someone he can spend endless amounts on, but he sees our DC as both of ours and a child we have to pay half of everything for each, and because I don't have a lot of money everything we get for our child will be dirt cheap because that's all I can afford half of.

AIBU to think that he's just hiding his spending habits from me and is happy for me to struggle along?

I'm feeling really down and tearful and like I'm just bottom of the pile. So fed up.

@YanCerise - the reason I said 'any old shit is good enough for you' is because that's what comes across from you post. Everything ridiculously expensive for his DD, you and your child will get cheap tat.

You have - or are doing - a PhD, you're obviously a high achiever, and yet your DP is treating you like a second class citizen :( That isn't going to improve once you're stuck at home with a baby. I've been in a relationship where I wasn't respected, and it ate away at my feelings of self-worth. I've never really recovered from it. Why allow someone else to judge your value and the value of your child like that? You'll get the debts and cheap tat, the Golden Child will get all the good stuff.

Don't marry him or ltb. Leave the bastard!

Kick him out, get your own place or live with family until you can get own place.

Get maintenance from him plus keep your full time job once mat leave over. That's your only financial safe haven. Baby in good quality child care - if he seeks weekday contact fine but those days then become his to pay foe childcare.

You are probably well off not marrying him if he's the kind to be in debt. Don't share your savings with him.

Just wanted to add that you feel yourself sinking into depression. That kind of depression is sometimes anger turned inwards. If it is, allowing yourself to feel the anger can help you deal with the situation.
You could also talk to your midwife about it if she is helpful.

Also, if you do want to leave him, you can. You are not obligated to stay with him. You can leave if you want to.

Kick him out?only if the home is in op sole name
Being a profilgate spender isn’t in itself reason to kick a person out their home
It is a reason to review the relationship and how you manage finances

Lipstick Having a DP who treats you and your soon to be baby as bottom of the pile, is a reason to leave a partner. If the OP wants to. You are minimising this when you talk about it as how to manage finances.

OP, you say you don't want to get married and that's your decision.

If that's the case then it really sounds as though you would be better off - both financially and emotionally - without your so-called "DP", who sounds neither dear nor a partner in any meaningful sense of the word.

This baby is half his. You absolutely should not be worrying about how you're going to fund your maternity leave all by yourself, when he is splashing the cash on unnecessary gifts for other people and not putting his hand in his pocket to support you while you are off work having his child.

He is a selfish arsehole and you would be better off as a single parent.

No way would my child be playing second fiddle to another.

Buy cheap things for your first born?!

Seems your dp is expecting you to save up your own money to supplement your maternity leave!

Instead tell him you’ll be a grand worth off each month and that he will have to pay more into the bills pot.

The scary thing here is think he must have taken out bank loans to pay for these expensive gifts.

@crunchymint

Just wanted to add that you feel yourself sinking into depression. That kind of depression is sometimes anger turned inwards.

Turn the anger outward to where it needs to lodge. He's an arse, and he'll get worse the more vulnerable you become - which happens to all of us when we have a new baby (the vulnerability, I mean).

I'm not naturally prone to depression, but I suffered from situational depression when I was married. I felt trapped and paralysed. I've never been depressed since, even when things were difficult. It's the powerlessness that's so debilitating.

Indeed poor emotional,financial,physical treatment is a reason to end relationship
Not disputing that. Disputing the advice to kick him out, unless op is sole tenant

I think you are being taken for a mug. Have you posted about him before?

What is your current housing situation?

I would at least have a break and see how you feel. If you separate he will have to give you child maintenance so at least you would get something from him.

Buying £4k of "collectibles" when you don't have any money is either a mental health issue or utter selfishness. You know him best, but I am guessing it's the latter.

I couldn't live with my child seeing every day that they were second best.

At the very very least, you need a full financial review with him.
So what are your income (both), personal spending (your loan, his CM) and then any shared cost INCLUDING the cost for your dd.
Agree what will happen when you are in ML (it should be that you are participating in proportion to what you are earning, not 50/50!)

See what his response is but I suspect he has MASSIVE debts somewhere. No way he can spend that sort of money on £30k.
And I also suspect he will expect you to still pay 59/59, make massive sacrifices whilst he is changing fuck all to his way of living.

His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Sorry the pregnancy is difficult your last comment - that you're naturally generous and he isn't - struck me for two reasons.

The first. It's really good that you know this consciously. If you know it, and you accept and you still love him, then that's fine. But especially now you've a DC on the way, although you probably can't change that characteristic, you'll need to manage it. Be selfish - save money for yourself, and just for yourself - because he's not going to treat you! I don't mean that unkindly, just to encourage you and say its okay to budget for some self-care. Something you want to get for your DC? Be brazen about asking him for money towards it, rather than thinking "it was my idea, so I should pay". And be brazen about asking for his time/attention/help if you're hurting and he's plodding on a bit unaware. Give him the opportunity to support you, rather than letting him dig a hole for himself (ahem. Projection again. I may be guilty of this).

Secondly - not generous??? He's just spent potentially around 4K on gifts - supposedly - for his DD

I'm afraid this one is quite simple. You tell him that you are no longer in agreement on the current arrangement you have, which is that he talks bullshit and you get stressed.

He either agrees to start transferring a sum to you now, today, or you will split, and you will apply for maintenance instead.

Sadly as he doesn't seem able to talk to you like an adult over this ('It'll be ok' is NOT an adult financial conversation) then you can only assume that he is not reliable and so you will take steps to make things as reliable as is possible on your own watch - which means getting rid and applying for maintenance.

Whose is the house? Are you renting?

He doesn't support me financially. I am generous naturally but he I guess just isn't

Well, he should have though about having a family then, you HAVE TO be generous because a family is a TEAM, it is not you or me (married or not)

You are having a baby, to which you both have agreed I assume, why should you just be suffering the financial consequences that bringing a baby into this world brings?It is the two of you having a baby.How selfish of him...

Once I started getting only SMP I stopped contributing towards rent (it wouldn't have even covered half the rent as we live in London), and I was not going to spend my savings on that, that's for sure! otherwise I would have had nothing left to spend on myself, having lunch with a friend or doing other stuff and I was not going to be asking for money.

But it was something that we didn't discuss from the pregnancy and I really think that discussing these things from the beginning will help, very clearly and with figures. Whatever you do, you shouldn't be financially punished for having a baby, I mean you still should be able to do the same kind of stuff he does, buy the same kind of clothes, to have the same lifestyle than him basically, otherwise that's not a family.

That he's your DP rather than DH... you know that means that you're up st creek without the proverbial, financially, if things go wrong? Sorry to catastrophise, but MN is just full of people this has happened to

Being married would make almost no difference in the OP's case, except she'd have a divorce to pay for.

@YanCerise if I could I’d give you a huge hug and tell you your concerns are totally justified.
His long ago was your PhD? We all know relationships with supervisors can be like marriages: great if they go well, but can be awful and even abusive but it’s really difficult to escape. Is there any possiblity you’re still recovering from a self-confidence sapping PhD so it’s more difficult to stand up for yourself with DP?

If you can’t take equivalent money from the joint account could you stop paying into it for some bills saying you can’t afford it as need to clear your loan before mat leave? I know this is game playing but if he refuses to talk any other way you need to use whatever levers you can.

Do you have support in RL?

In fact being unmarried is in this case a protective factor,easier to leave.no divorce to finance

That really depends on what their housing situation is and what other assets they own, lipstick.

I’ve alreadt civered that aspect

OP, you earn enough to manage on your own and with £6K debt.
If the home is not owned, I suggest you look at moving out and renting a place before you go on maternity leave. It'll be harder to find a place to rent based on maternity pay income. But once you are in, you'll get financial help via HB or UC whilst you are on maternity leave and you can claim child maintenance.
My ex and I split when my LO was six days old. I had nothing-no savings, no home, no job. You are in a much better financial position. You can do this!

He just randomly spent over 1K on stuff from eBay?
Seriously?
What an arsehole! You NEED to tell him what he is buying and how much it will cost him for the baby and if he says no then tell him to leave and sponge off someone else!

Hope you’re okay, Yan. Good luck having a talk. Get some food in (my serious talks are usually instigated over something that requires sharing - tapas, pate n bread etc... lol) sit down with it and make him get serious. Write yourself a discrete list of things to cover and slip it under your plate to make sure you don’t forget.

I really hope it goes well, and this time tomorrow there’s plans, budgets and standing orders in place and you’re reassurred and happy!

Drop us a note to let us know how it goes :)

@YanCerise how are things going?

I think it's sad he's not wanting to invest such extravagant amounts towards purchases for his yet to be born DC so they themselves can own a few possessions and build a few things up for them to have.

You say he's been doing this for a while for his DD, why is he not doing even doing it for you to lift your spirits during such a big, life-changing time.. very strange and upsetting to hear he's putting you and DC on the backburner and just seeing to his other kid exclusively, what's that all about?

I think if he's trying to compensate to her in someway then some days out and extra time together surely could be all she could ask for, he can't be spending that amount with a baby on the way, perhaps you should try to find out why he's doing it.