To un friend this person?

[arghhhhhhh]

We've been friends a couple of years - I have a son who is autistic (diagnosed aged 5) and her daughter is in the same class as my son.

Her daughter has always struggled with friendships. She is almost a year older than my son (she's the oldest in the class and he's the youngest) and has made friends - to a certain extent as my son doesn't understand friendships - with my son.

One day I received a message from her asking if we could all go to the park seen as my ds and her dd had become friends. I agreed and thought it was a lovely gesture - I'd never actually spoken to her before. Seen her around school etc but we had never met.

So this was about 1.5 years ago.

Now she does nothing but pester me. And I have some concerns but I honestly don't know what to do. I'll bullet point it as it's easier to explain:

Also please note these are not the actual children's names, I've just changed them myself.

• from our first meeting she explained that she was convinced her daughter was also autistic. She asked me lots and lots of questions about my son and how to go about getting her daughter looked at. I was happy to help at this time as I had no reason to think any different although I couldn't actually identify any autistic traits with her daughter during the play date. But I am 100% aware that that means nothing.

• our meetings carried on every month or so and this is when I became uncomfortable with the friendship. We were sat in a restaurant and the mother was talking about the other children in the class at school In front of both the children. She was saying things like 'every child in your class bullies you don't they Sophie?' 'Chloe is a horrible girl isn't she? She's always nasty to you' 'Ben is constantly picking on you, his mum and dad are horrible people etc'

She also said 'oh Emily is leaving at the end of the summer, you are so happy about that aren't you Sophie? She can go and pick on other people at her new school and leave you alone'.

I could see poor Sophie was so uncomfortable. I asked Sophie directly in front of her mum if these kids were horrible to her and she just looked at me and said 'well sometimes'. I left it at that as I didn't want to pressure her. She also said 'Sophie do you know that Holly's dad has just had an affair?' I was literally open mouthed. I don't even know Holly's parents so have no idea if it was true or not. I backed off with meetings after this for a while.

• the way she speaks about the other children in the class is awful. Chloe for example is a lovely lovely girl. She would never ever bully anyone. Same as Emily who left. All well brought up children, happy, friendly, polite etc. Yes there are some not so nice kids I suppose but you get that in every class. The majority are great with my son and very understanding with his needs. I can't stand how she's saying these things in front of her daughter. She really is one mixed up little girl.

• Sophie started to come to our house after school on her own every now and then. I always ask her how she's enjoying school etc and she always says she enjoys it. I really cannot see any autistic traits in this child.

• her mum constantly messages me about how she is referring Sophie for a mental health assessment but is not getting anywhere with it. She asks me what's going on with my son and seems to be angry that my son is getting help and her daughter isn't! My son is autistic, I have a terrible time with him on a daily basis. He needs help.

• the mother also spends her time constantly bitching about other parents at school. I've done a couple of things socially with her (never on my own but with another mutual friend who has no connection with the school). She has even asked me why I'm friends with one particular parent (who happens to be Chloe's mum!) and has hinted that I don't be friends with her! I see this friend socially all the time as my husband works with her husband and we regularly do bbqs etc. The friend in question cannot stand this! She hates the whole family even though they are all lovely.

• she is also single, she tried dating one of my husbands friends. It didn't work out. Her version was that he wasn't right for her but a nice guy etc. His version was similar but he also admitted he couldn't get to grips with her personality and she was very 'out there' etc and I knew exactly what he meant. However she has not been able to let him go even though they just went on a couple of dates about a year ago. She sent me 3 messages yesterday asking me about some personal things to do with him. Which I do know the answers to but it's not my place to share his personal business. So I just ignored her.

• Final straw is this morning I've had more messages saying that Sophie has been off school all week due to anxiety (to my knowledge she hasn't as my son said he was playing with her yesterday but he can get easily confused so that may be wrong) and then started asking more personal questions about my son! It's like she just wants to Sophie to be just like my son. I don't get it!

Sorry this is so long, don't want to drip feed but I felt I can't explain it properly without getting it all out.
I'm worried for her daughter. I can see she's not a happy little girl but I really don't think it's anything to do with school. I think it's the mother - i honestly think maybe her mum has some sort of additional needs that's been possibly undiagnosed. The only other thing I can think of is that it is a jealously thing? I mean she's single yet the majority if the parents in school are married with nice houses and flash cars - it's an expensive village where the school is situated. And no I am not one of these, I don't have a flash car or a posh house....though I am married. It seems to be she has a major problem with the parents and kids that do lead this lifestyle though.

Should I go to the school about it?

It's so hard to be friends with with this lady. I'm finding I'm having to shut her out as all she wants to do is gain information from me which I'm not comfortable sharing. I don't think she has many friends. She is very loud and out there, very awkward to talk too....I'm sure there is something there that's not quite right but I'm also 100% her daughter is suffering for it. Also Sophie is the only friend my son has, I don't want him to lose that and I know Sophie has no one but my son either.

We have a school assembly this afternoon and now I'm dreading it as I haven't answered any of her messages and I know she will just ask me to my face. I'm not sharing any information about dh's friend as I won't gossip and I won't put my friendship with him under jeopardy. And I'm no longer comfortable with telling her things about my son. Soz for the longggg rant. X

It's clear what I am saying

Yes, it's clear, but what you are saying is wrong.

Honest question, why do you think it's called the autistic spectrum?

This is the autistic spectrum, people with autism will have the debilitating impairments in all of the areas, where they are depends on how affected they are in each triad.

Normal people won't have impairments in all section, therefore they will not be in it. Not everyone is.

www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asd.aspx

I don’t see any mention here of everyone being on the spectrum. In fact it talks about when people are on the spectrum compared to when they aren’t. I have been to lots of workshops and talks too and not once have I been told we are all on the spectrum by professionals (though plenty by people who have no idea)

The spectrum.

Fine let's look at the the triads then. Social and communication and language. One part of that is a child can have speech and language delay. Any child can have speech and language delay. With or without autism. Doesn't mean they have it.

Now stop talking to me like I'm thick. Autism has taken over my life. In a good way - as I've spent the last 7 years learning about it and made some amazing friends, have some amazing support networks etc. And in a bad way as my son suffers every single day. At the moment I'm going through a hell of a lot of shit with him and it breaks my heart.

All you are doing is repeating yourself. Telling me I am wrong blah blah blah. Agree to disagree though mostly I've said I agree with you anyway.

No longer replying to your comments.

Fine let's look at the the triads then. Social and communication and language. One part of that is a child can have speech and language delay. Any child can have speech and language delay. With or without autism. Doesn't mean they have it

That's not impairments in all the triads is it....

Now stop talking to me like I'm thick.

Stop telling me to open my mind and that I'm not understanding you.

a lady had a chat with me at school and asked me if I'm happy and everyone is nice to me and I told her they are

At that age my dd would have smiled and said that, however the reality was she was bullied and left out of everything.

If anyone said 'Who are your friends' she'd reel off all the names of the girls in her class yet not one of them would play with her at break or include her in anything in or out of school.

When I raised it with school, they said she needed to make more effort in the playground.

I'm rather feeling like Sophie's Mum here, knowing something's not right but professionals, teachers and friends saying I was seeing things that weren't there and everything was "fine" although in those days pre-internet, there was hardly any information around.

It was far from fine and after years of everyone saying I was overprotective, helicopter parent etc. eventually we saw a paed, then a Sensory OT and once her achievement level dropped compared to her constantly huge effort in secondary school there were more tests etc and now as an adult she has recently been dxd as having autism.

Tell Sophie's Mum about the Lorna Wing Centre as they are the gold standard for finding autism in girls.
www.autism.org.uk/services/diagnosis/diagnostic.aspx

they are expensive, however, if I'd known about them when I was at the stage Sophie's Mum is at, I'd have found the money somehow and gone there. Their assessments are very thorough.

we are all on the spectrum somewhere at the end of the day
Please don't say that. It really trivialises and minimises the struggle autistic people face every day of their lives. Autism is medically diagnosed, as you know.

It sounds like Sophie's mum wants a piece of the 'drama' which often accompanies the life of a child with special needs i.e. lots of assessments by the medical profession, extra help at school, funding and so on. I used to work in the educational field and met quite a few mothers trying to get their child assessed so they could receive the attendance allowance to top up their benefits.

She also doesn't have a partner to sound off on and I suspect that her child doesn't have any friends because the other mothers give her family a wide berth which is sad for Sophie. So just keep up the friendship with your son if you feel it benefits them both but keep as far away from the mother as possible.

I thought this would have been linked pages back, but here you go.
It's a more modern interpretation of the spectrum, not a straight line.

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Ok my input then.
From the age of 2 I knew my daughter had autism. I was believed and supported by the hearty- I was not beloved by the primary school who made my daughters life a living hell refusing to help her and follow advice given for teaching children with autism- the experience from that school will always be with me it was absolute fucking hell seeing my daughter struggle and be so unhappy there and yet the school daring to say to me in meetings she is fine! The school even prevented my daughter being granted an autism assessment thanks to their BS- moved my daughter to another school after a year and a half and suddenly experienced incredible support and trust and they believed me as they saw it and didn’t dismiss it! - they helped fight for over a year when I had to take my struggling daughter out of mainstream and continue the fight for a special needs school which I did was very successful- she’s been there four months and finally thriving in education.- she was also diagnosed on Wednesday with shocker ! Autism!!! It took 6 hard years to get that! My daughter DESERVES to know and hopefully when older understand why she does and reacts to things in the way she does.

Why tell you this? Well I know dam well what it’s lile to know your daughter is struggling and why and to be ignored and dismissed. It’s a pain so unique it’s hard to describe. I ended up with migraine after migraine in fact even thinking about the first school brings them on.
Sometimes the parents do actually know their children.
I also know someone with an autistic daughter - yep another girl! Who was accused by some of having Munchausen by proxy as that girl also had medical needs too I can’t imagine what she went through having to get other professionals to give their independent thoughts on her daughter to show she didn’t have Munchausen.
Girls are so so badly neglected when it comes to autism they truly are and it’s a god dam disgrace. This mum may have flaws and be an area hole but that doesn’t make her wrong about HER child.
Having a meeting at school to dismiss the mum on this is atrocious what an awfully vicious W suggestion. Just back away from the friend ship don’t try to damage her daughters well being with secret meetings for safe guarding ffs!
As you well know having a child with autism isn’t easy but it’s not as you say someone wanting that for their child it’s wanting that understanding for their child it really pisses me off when people say why do you want a label. Fuck off is asthma a label? Arthritis? Diabetes? No they are not they are a dam diagnosis that can help the person with it understand themselves more.
I’m sorry but you don’t just walk in and get a diagnosis if there is no cause for one. This mum will likely be in for a long fight for her child purely because she is female. Many females are not diagnosed until their teen- adult years and it’s not good enough.
Life as parent is hard enough add in a child with autism and then people playing secret sabotage behind your back and it can be impossible.

Dam should say nursery not hearty!
And I know the above is a rant and I don’t give a dam lol

Agreeing with the above, It's extremely hard to get a diagnoses for a boy, it's near impossible to get one for a girl.
Girls tend to mask better than boys, and issue tend to arrive during their teens from it.