To un friend this person?

[arghhhhhhh]

We've been friends a couple of years - I have a son who is autistic (diagnosed aged 5) and her daughter is in the same class as my son.

Her daughter has always struggled with friendships. She is almost a year older than my son (she's the oldest in the class and he's the youngest) and has made friends - to a certain extent as my son doesn't understand friendships - with my son.

One day I received a message from her asking if we could all go to the park seen as my ds and her dd had become friends. I agreed and thought it was a lovely gesture - I'd never actually spoken to her before. Seen her around school etc but we had never met.

So this was about 1.5 years ago.

Now she does nothing but pester me. And I have some concerns but I honestly don't know what to do. I'll bullet point it as it's easier to explain:

Also please note these are not the actual children's names, I've just changed them myself.

• from our first meeting she explained that she was convinced her daughter was also autistic. She asked me lots and lots of questions about my son and how to go about getting her daughter looked at. I was happy to help at this time as I had no reason to think any different although I couldn't actually identify any autistic traits with her daughter during the play date. But I am 100% aware that that means nothing.

• our meetings carried on every month or so and this is when I became uncomfortable with the friendship. We were sat in a restaurant and the mother was talking about the other children in the class at school In front of both the children. She was saying things like 'every child in your class bullies you don't they Sophie?' 'Chloe is a horrible girl isn't she? She's always nasty to you' 'Ben is constantly picking on you, his mum and dad are horrible people etc'

She also said 'oh Emily is leaving at the end of the summer, you are so happy about that aren't you Sophie? She can go and pick on other people at her new school and leave you alone'.

I could see poor Sophie was so uncomfortable. I asked Sophie directly in front of her mum if these kids were horrible to her and she just looked at me and said 'well sometimes'. I left it at that as I didn't want to pressure her. She also said 'Sophie do you know that Holly's dad has just had an affair?' I was literally open mouthed. I don't even know Holly's parents so have no idea if it was true or not. I backed off with meetings after this for a while.

• the way she speaks about the other children in the class is awful. Chloe for example is a lovely lovely girl. She would never ever bully anyone. Same as Emily who left. All well brought up children, happy, friendly, polite etc. Yes there are some not so nice kids I suppose but you get that in every class. The majority are great with my son and very understanding with his needs. I can't stand how she's saying these things in front of her daughter. She really is one mixed up little girl.

• Sophie started to come to our house after school on her own every now and then. I always ask her how she's enjoying school etc and she always says she enjoys it. I really cannot see any autistic traits in this child.

• her mum constantly messages me about how she is referring Sophie for a mental health assessment but is not getting anywhere with it. She asks me what's going on with my son and seems to be angry that my son is getting help and her daughter isn't! My son is autistic, I have a terrible time with him on a daily basis. He needs help.

• the mother also spends her time constantly bitching about other parents at school. I've done a couple of things socially with her (never on my own but with another mutual friend who has no connection with the school). She has even asked me why I'm friends with one particular parent (who happens to be Chloe's mum!) and has hinted that I don't be friends with her! I see this friend socially all the time as my husband works with her husband and we regularly do bbqs etc. The friend in question cannot stand this! She hates the whole family even though they are all lovely.

• she is also single, she tried dating one of my husbands friends. It didn't work out. Her version was that he wasn't right for her but a nice guy etc. His version was similar but he also admitted he couldn't get to grips with her personality and she was very 'out there' etc and I knew exactly what he meant. However she has not been able to let him go even though they just went on a couple of dates about a year ago. She sent me 3 messages yesterday asking me about some personal things to do with him. Which I do know the answers to but it's not my place to share his personal business. So I just ignored her.

• Final straw is this morning I've had more messages saying that Sophie has been off school all week due to anxiety (to my knowledge she hasn't as my son said he was playing with her yesterday but he can get easily confused so that may be wrong) and then started asking more personal questions about my son! It's like she just wants to Sophie to be just like my son. I don't get it!

Sorry this is so long, don't want to drip feed but I felt I can't explain it properly without getting it all out.
I'm worried for her daughter. I can see she's not a happy little girl but I really don't think it's anything to do with school. I think it's the mother - i honestly think maybe her mum has some sort of additional needs that's been possibly undiagnosed. The only other thing I can think of is that it is a jealously thing? I mean she's single yet the majority if the parents in school are married with nice houses and flash cars - it's an expensive village where the school is situated. And no I am not one of these, I don't have a flash car or a posh house....though I am married. It seems to be she has a major problem with the parents and kids that do lead this lifestyle though.

Should I go to the school about it?

It's so hard to be friends with with this lady. I'm finding I'm having to shut her out as all she wants to do is gain information from me which I'm not comfortable sharing. I don't think she has many friends. She is very loud and out there, very awkward to talk too....I'm sure there is something there that's not quite right but I'm also 100% her daughter is suffering for it. Also Sophie is the only friend my son has, I don't want him to lose that and I know Sophie has no one but my son either.

We have a school assembly this afternoon and now I'm dreading it as I haven't answered any of her messages and I know she will just ask me to my face. I'm not sharing any information about dh's friend as I won't gossip and I won't put my friendship with him under jeopardy. And I'm no longer comfortable with telling her things about my son. Soz for the longggg rant. X

@TheGreatestHo fair point however it was a way to show autism for what it is. There's definitely a valid point saying that autism is made up of a triad of impairments. That's 100% fact.

In no way would I ever belittle anyone with autism by saying 'oh everyone is on the spectrum' to make it look like nothing. We go through it every day and it's hell. It hurts me when people compare my son to children of their own. Like what I'm sort of going through now.

The saying of 'everyone is on the spectrum somewhere ' links to things everyone finds certain things difficult that would put them on the spectrum - like anxiety, difficulty making friends etc....

Sophie for example has the above things, anxiety and struggles with friendships. These things could put her on the spectrum but it doesn't mean she's autistic for a second. Just means she struggles with things that autistic people can. She has some traits of autism - she's not necessarily autistic though.

I can see totally how it sounds but it isn't meant to be taken that way in the slightest.

@CaptainKirkssparetupee listen to me!!!!! I'm not says everyone is autistic! Read my post! You are ignorant for not understanding what I'm saying.

OP ...I think a lot of us on the thread are now a bit concerned for little Sophie, she sounds like a lovely friend. But just remember that you've got you're own hands full enough and you're not responsible for another child's happiness. This mum needs to stop probing your life and just get her own assessment done - NHS, private or via the school.

Everyone has a little cerebral palsy don't they?
Everyone is a little schizophrenic?

Everyone has a little bit of downs syndrome?

See how silly it is?

listen to me!!!!! I'm not says everyone is autistic! Read my post! You are ignorant for not understanding what I'm saying.
Being on the autistic spectrum means you are autistic, so saying everyone is on it IS saying they are all autistic.

It's called the "Autistic Spectrum" for a reason.

Having traits isn't the same as being on the spectrum.

www.bristol.ac.uk/news/2016/march/autism-genetics-population.html

I think you are right that the 'everyone's on the spectrum' is used by general public to laugh at traits in themselves and others.

I believe Neurologists see it as one spectrum with ASD on it as a section... I am not a scientist or medic but that's the distinction. I can see how for people with ASD it's probably better to be seen as distinct so as to get due recognition and support.

How was the assembly? Did she speak to you?

@CaptainKirkssparetupee disagree with you totally.
You need to open your mind a little bit. I'm not saying everyone is autistic. What I'm saying makes perfect sense and it is the way autism is looked as a simple way to understand it. Everyone can have some traits that are ok the autistic spectrum. Not everyone has autism. I totally agree with your comment. I never said 'oh everyone's autistic' End of. Always one that takes one tiny comment and turns it into a massive deal. This is about a little girl. Not who has the most knowledge on autism. I am a mother of an autistic child. I know how he works and give him my everything. That's all that matters.

@LexieLulu I saw her but she was late. And at the end of the assembly I always sneak out just at the end as my son finds it very hard to go back to his classroom so I didn't speak to her then either....I won't lie I did go and hide! I replied with a simple 'I don't know' comment regarding dh's friend and her questions about my son I replied with 'he's ready for the summer break' and left it at that. She hasn't replied but has read the message so I'm hoping that will be the end of it for now.

You need to open your mind a little bit

Yes, because I'm the one getting things wrong.
You are wrong, if you are on the spectrum you are autistic, not everyone is on it.

I totally agree with your comment. I never said 'oh everyone's autistic' End of.
You said everyone is on the AUTISTIC SPECTRUM, which is the same!

Why do you thinks it's the autistic spectrum, because those on it are autistic!

The autistic spectrum is made up of the triad of impairments, you need impairments in those 3 triads to be on it.

Not everyone is.

Avoid her and tell the school.

Everyone isn’t on the autistic spectrum. It’s a ridiculous statement. Even thinking of people with actual autism as being on a line makes no sense at all. This is why the seperate diagnosis have been removed and they are all asd/asc rather than autism, pdd-nos, aspergers etc. My daughter can appear high functioning one minute and completely non functional another. Thinking of it as linear isn’t helpful for anyone, least of all the autistic person.

Your average person does not have:
Impairments in imagination
Impairments in communication
IMPAIRMENTS IN SOCIAL INTERACTION.

therefore they are not on the spectrum.

And before you say, I do get it
You think it's a line everyone is on with normal at one end and serveer at the other, but it isn't.
It's a triangle of impairments there's no "normal person" edge

Maybe you need to "open your mind"?

I agree with CaptainKirkssparetupee on that one, if you are ‘on the spectrum’ you are autistic, to whatever degree. Not everyone is on said spectrum so not everyone is autistic. My daughter is autistic and she really struggles, but now that my understanding of her is better (she is a teen) our struggles are fewer.

Anyway, to the point in hand, this woman sounds very similar to my aunt who (being very wealthy) took my cousins round the country basically trying to get them diagnosed with various neurological conditions. When rejected by one specialist she’d move to the next. Her kids ended up totally unschooled and unsocialised with no friends. Basically my aunt has Munchausens by Proxy and it is so awful. It has destroyed her kids’ lives. This woman is maybe not so far gone but it sounds very difficult. I hope
You break free.

I haven't said everyone is autistic. I've said everyone can have traits that are on the autistic spectrum. Not everyone is autistic. There's a massive difference in what I'm saying and you know it but are not letting it go. I've said to you that I agree with your comments but you are not listening to what I am saying in the slightest.

Sophie has as I've said more than once, problems with making friends and problems with anxiety- according to her mum, I haven't seen the anxiety side.

Are these signs on the autistic spectrum? Yes.

Therefore has she got some traits that are on the spectrum? Yes.

Does it mean she has autism? No, not in the slightest.

My friends daughter is struggling with speech at the moment.

Does the child have speech and language delay? Yes.
Is this something that is on the autistic spectrum? Yes
Does this mean she has autism? No.

My grandad cannot look at people when speaking. He's always been the same - probs where I get it from. My grandma said it was the first thing she noticed about him when she met him - poor eye contact.

Is it a trait he has that's on the spectrum? Yep
Is he autistic? No.

To finish off....repeating myself again....I haven't said everyone is autistic. That's a false comment. However lots of people do display traits that autistic people also have. Doesn't mean they are autistic. All it does is show they have traits that are on the spectrum. I've done maybe 6-8 courses over the past 7 years, been to conventions, aswell as the amount of professional people that I've spoken to regarding my son. I go to a weekly nas group. It's always explained the same and like this to anyone new that joins - and no, not by me before you start.

If anything, it's a good way to explain it as these days a lot of people can think they have autism. When they don't, they just have a trait....doesn't mean they are autistic. Struggle with something that some autistic people struggle with? Yes. Autistic? No, not necessarily.

Parents who are having a difficult time with their child just assume their child has autism and that's the reason for it....with this explanation it shows it's not!

So the point of 'we are all on the spectrum somewhere' which is what I said and what studies now show doesn't mean everyone is autistic. It means that we can all have traits of autism. However are we all autistic? No not at all....not in the slightest.

No doubt you will most likely disagree with me as you are hell bent on doing so. I could probably say 'the sky is blue' and you would now turn round and say 'no it's green' so this particular post isn't even directed at you.

It's for others to read who may be confused....shame as like I've said....this is about a little girl but there's always one who takes it a step further.

You said "everyone is on the autistic spectrum"

They are not, only people with autism are.

And for your information studies don't show that everyone is on the autistic spectrum.

Is it a trait he has that's on the spectrum? Yep Is he autistic? No.

Which means they are not on the autistic spectrum!

The spectrum is made up of the 3 impairments, traits are not impairments.

You understand this?

@CaptainKirkssparetupee lol not letting this go are you? You carry on, there's nothing else I can say. It's clear what I am saying. Go pick on someone else.