To demand respect for DP?

[Silentpartner]

Trying to cut long story short. DP is mid-divorce. Exwtb is getting the house and car with no objections from DP.
House is £3000 from being paid off due to DP working 80 hour weeks since buying house 12 years ago.

Exwtb HATES me. Has told her children (13 and 15) not to speak to me or acknowledge my existence (we've been together 3 years, they've been separated 4)

We live in a council property that needs thousands of pounds of work to make it a 'home'. DP had developed a degenerative disease which has left him unable to work (first time on benefits, worked since he was 14)

DSS13 has told his mother, friends, Mil that he won't visit DP as he doesn't like my DC, hates our house and thinks DP is lazy for not working.

I'm livid! DSS13 wouldn't even have a roof over his head if it hadn't been for DP hard work. Exwtb is encouraging the behaviour by implying her 10hr per week job is what is providing the home!

DSD15 seems to think she can only contact DP when she wants something.

Do I speak up or wait years till they realise what they've lost?

Unless you dp’s illness has left him unable to communicate then no.
You don’t “demand respect” for your do by showing him none and undermining him m by mouthing off to her s children behond his back.
I understand you are upset but I think you need to talk to your do and support his stance, whatever it may be.

Sorry for typos, hope meaning is clear

If the divorce is not final andecision his health has changed health wise, he needs to speak up. Is he signing the house over permanently or until the DC are 18.

Jesus my typos

Christ why is he being such a push over?? If it's because of his illness that's understandable but he's being a total martyr handing over the house and suffering like this.

DSS13 wouldn't even have a roof over his head if it hadn't been for DP hard work.

Your partner doesn't get brownie points for not making his children homeless
And you won't win any yourself by 'demanding' anything from two reluctant teenagers.

He's signed it over voluntarily. He wants the children to be comfortable.
On the other hand, we're struggling to put food on the table for my DC never mind decorating.

@casmama I have NEVER badmouthed his DC or Exwtb. Please read the thread before commenting

What would you say? Who to? What does your partner want you to do?

Keep your beak out. You are irrelevant in this situation: your DP wants his DC to be safe and housed.

Being a bit blunt here - he's providing for his DC. Who is providing for yours?

DP, literally, begs his kids to visit. When they do come (monthly at a push) they sit with miserable faces, on their phones despite my attempts to talk, cook, socialise

i get that you're pissed off that you have financial difficulties, and that your house isn't as nice as hers, but this is neither the fault or the concern of his first family.

DSS13 wouldn't even have a roof over his head if it hadn't been for DP hard work.

Really? So while he was off doing his 80 hour weeks, who was bringing up his kids, making that lovely home, and ironing his shirts? Not his hard work, you mean their hard work. They decided, between them, to do the things they did.

The kids may still be angry at their dad. However, it's also pretty bog-standard teen behaviour. This is the age they start separating from their parents, neither are going to want to come and move in with you!

Please don't let your resentment over the house start to interfere with your DP's relationship with his kids. No, you should not start causing trouble.

Agree with Arum51

You’re livid but how does your dp feel?

DP, literally, begs his kids to visit. When they do come (monthly at a push) they sit with miserable faces, on their phones despite my attempts to talk, cook, socialise

The begging needs to stop. It's not fair to do that to kids.

Secondly, teenagers are kind of arseholes, I honestly wouldn't take it personally!

When he was doing an 80 hour week he wasn't being a very present DF. He was providing, that's great but they might well have sat on their phones ignoring him either way.

Stop putting yourself in the middle of this. You can only make things worse.

I provide for my DC. My EXH is a huge influence in their lives and provides what he can

And I massively agree with this -

So while he was off doing his 80 hour weeks, who was bringing up his kids, making that lovely home, and ironing his shirts? Not his hard work, you mean their hard work. They decided, between them, to do the things they did.

Working 10 hours a week instead of 80 doesn't make her less deserving of a home she has raised their children in. I imagine if he'd been paying 80 hours a week childcare for 2 kids he wouldn't be able to afford such a nice home. You can't agree a family set up like that and then, come divorce time, play the hard done by man, "I worked sooo hard and she's stealing my house off me".

@arum51 he had a manual job so no ironing required. Exwtb father did all childcare from birth of DSD15. DP still cooked for 4, cleaned house and paid Exwtb debts while working 80 hours and he'd being sahm

If the divorce is not finalised it needs some legal input , taking into consideration his current circumstances regarding health problems and ability to support himself in later years.

Her being a sahm

When did he have time to do all the cooking and cleaning if he was working (presumably) 11-12 hour days 7 days a week?

Isn't it funny how all these hard done by men work a billion hours a week and still do all the childcare, cooking and cleaning? Let me guess - she'd spend her days getting her nails done and spending his money?

Her dad did 80 hours a week childcare for 15 years?

OP, do you genuinely believe that? You are convinced that the ex did literally nothing, at all?

I think you feel a great deal of resentment towards her. However, that's your issue to deal with. You can't take it out on his kids.

I don't know any men IRL who do 80 hour weeks, all the cooking and cleaning and childcare. Yet all these second wives have one. And the first wives are always utter arseholes.