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AIBU?

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Original poster

To demand respect for DP?

59 replies

Silentpartner · 28/06/2018 00:30

Trying to cut long story short. DP is mid-divorce. Exwtb is getting the house and car with no objections from DP.
House is £3000 from being paid off due to DP working 80 hour weeks since buying house 12 years ago.

Exwtb HATES me. Has told her children (13 and 15) not to speak to me or acknowledge my existence (we've been together 3 years, they've been separated 4)

We live in a council property that needs thousands of pounds of work to make it a 'home'. DP had developed a degenerative disease which has left him unable to work (first time on benefits, worked since he was 14)

DSS13 has told his mother, friends, Mil that he won't visit DP as he doesn't like my DC, hates our house and thinks DP is lazy for not working.

I'm livid! DSS13 wouldn't even have a roof over his head if it hadn't been for DP hard work. Exwtb is encouraging the behaviour by implying her 10hr per week job is what is providing the home!

DSD15 seems to think she can only contact DP when she wants something.

Do I speak up or wait years till they realise what they've lost?

OP posts:
Original poster
Silentpartner · 28/06/2018 01:33

Her dad did (and still does) all the out of school care.
And, yes, I knew DP before we got together and he did all cooking and cleaning. My sil once went to a playdate at Exwtb house and left after 10 minutes as house was filthy

OP posts:
Weezol · 28/06/2018 01:33

they sit with miserable faces, on their phones despite my attempts to talk, cook, socialise

Have you tried just leaving him and them together for a couple of hours and going elsewhere? They are unlikely to open up with you around.

onceisawabee · 28/06/2018 01:35

The kids probably don't like you because they think you were the OW

DiegoMadonna · 28/06/2018 01:37

they sit with miserable faces, on their phones despite my attempts to talk, cook, socialise

That's pretty normal for 13 and 15 year olds, lol. Especially around "new" step-parents. Demanding that they respect him (however it is that you would actually do that) certainly wouldn't help things! Quite the opposite, I'd imagine.

Tooohot · 28/06/2018 01:38

He couldn’t have done much cleaning if the house was filthy.

Arum51 · 28/06/2018 01:43

Yeah, I'm getting confused now. If the house is such a shithole that no-one would stay 10 minutes, why is the OP so jealous?

OP, @Weezol made a good suggestion. Why don't you just step back, and let DP develop his relationship with his children? They could go out and do something fun with him.

steff13 · 28/06/2018 01:45

If he worked 80 hours per week, he can't have had a great relationship with them. Especially if all his free time was spend cooking, cleaning, etc. Maybe they don't value a relationship with their dad because they've never really had one.

Graphista · 28/06/2018 01:53

Wow!

1 HIS divorce is none of your business, those are his assets to decide what to do with, you have no idea what went on in the marriage.

2 The house, his working those long hours while raising a family was down to BOTH of them - he didn't do it all by himself!

3 HIS kids are his responsibility. If he wants to discuss their behaviour he can do so, not your place to intervene.

4 "On the other hand, we're struggling to put food on the table for my DC never mind decorating." YOUR kids are you and your ex's responsibility. What is DEFINITELY out of order is HIS kids going without to provide for YOUR kids.

5 have you even considered facilitating his being able to see HIS kids without you around? At least initially to revive their relationship.

6 if he was working 80 hour weeks I doubt they had a great relationship with him anyway, kids aren't all about money. He CHOSE to do that for his own reasons.

" father did all childcare from birth of DSD15. DP still cooked for 4, cleaned house and paid Exwtb debts while working 80 hours and he'd being sahm" I find this VERY hard to believe!

"And, yes, I knew DP before we got together" oh really? "and he did all cooking and cleaning. My sil once went to a playdate at Exwtb house and left after 10 minutes as house was filthy" 🤔 so much for all that cleaning he was doing then!

ShitWit · 28/06/2018 01:54

It’s shit when your struggling financially, you say youre struggling to feed your children, It sounds a bit like you’re taking your frustration at your situation and directing it to his children. You sound slightly jealous that his children have the family house to live in whikebyiur children are in a council house.

A parent providing a home for the children they brought into the world isn’t something to be thrown back in the kids’ face when their relationship with stepfamily is strained. He and his wife chose to have children and all the responsibilities that come with that. If his wife gave up work or took a drop in hours to look after their children tgen It can be argued she has actually provided some of the home. If he didnt have her he’d have to look after them himself or employ someone.

It’s miserable when you can’t afford food, I’ve been there and it’s shit, is it possible for you to speak to your children’s father for a bit extra towards his children? My dh would iften give his extra when she was struggling, and she’d accept less when he was out of work. They both wanted what’s best for their dc so there was s lot of give and take. Is your dh getting everything he is entitled to re his disability? Do cms know abiut his reduced income? Have you looked at food banks, I don’t know what hours you work but is it possible to look into overtime if dh is at home he could look after your dc?

The house he and his ex and children lived in are separate from the house you live in with him. The circumstances he had with his wife are different to the circumstances he’s in with you. It’s not his children fault their dad can’t work and it’s not their fault that youre struggling financially. They don’t manage your household budget and they didn’t manage their parents budget.

If they started being haply families with their Dad, you and your dc and spending lots of time at yours it won’t change the amount of money you’d have and if your struggling to feed your children then more mouths to feed would be even more harder?

Original poster
Silentpartner · 28/06/2018 01:57

I'm confused about what I'm supposed to be jealous about?I
I'm not exaggerating at all about the hours he worked and household chores he was expected to do. It's the main reason behind the divorce.

DSC have any amount of time to spend alone with DP. We can't afford for them to go to cinema etc but house is available as my parents are very welcoming

OP posts:
Bramble71 · 28/06/2018 02:02

I can understand your upset at the way your partner is being treated, but it's really not your place to speak out. It's up to him if he wants to say anything.

Original poster
Silentpartner · 28/06/2018 02:02

Meant to finish with my parents are very welcoming of my dc and myself to allow DP time with his DC

OP posts:
Original poster
Silentpartner · 28/06/2018 02:06

Again, DP is very poorly. Although this is not manifested physically, DSC are aware. They visited once in his lady 3 week hospital stay

OP posts:
Original poster
Silentpartner · 28/06/2018 02:07

Apologies. Last not Lady

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 28/06/2018 02:23

If your husband is sick and the divorce is not yet final then now is the time to have the change in circumstance taken into consideration in the final settlement. Press him to press his lawyer, urgently.

Arum51 · 28/06/2018 02:34

I think she should accept that DP knows what he wants from the settlement. If the wife got the house, she'll have taken an equivalent reduction on her claim to his pension. If he's sick, he may need his pension earlier than he'd originally planned.

He's got a new home - with the OP. Wife has custody of the two kids, and they need somewhere to live. The court is unlikely to force her to sell the house.

ShitWit · 28/06/2018 02:38

I had a feeling he might have turned out to be one of these men who have lazy sham wives, who works a million hours a week on top of doing everything at home because the wife does nothing all day but lie on soda and get nails and hair done while running up debts. Funny how many of these men paint a shitty horrible marriage but choose to stay in for years, often decades. They also claim to be having very little or no sex with their wife too.

If their father hasn’t been around because he’s working 80 hour weeks I can see why they may feel awkward, at their age it’s also common to spend less time with parents. My stepson went through a phase of sitting miserable, playing on phone. As do many other teens that age. Dd only seems to engage in convo when she wants something too haha.

I know you said your children’s father pays what he can, but could he spare more? Does he know you are struggling to feed his children? How did you manage on just your wage and their dad giving what he can before meeting your current partner?

It kind of sounds like you resent his children benefitting from the choices their father and mother made together. Or that you want him to make his children move elsewhere so you and your children can have the house?

His financial obligations to providing for his children should come first, the people responsible for providing financially for your children are you and their father. You need to speak to their dad if providing food is difficult at the moment. He might be able to buy some extra food with his shopping maybe?

Copperbonnet · 28/06/2018 07:17

The children were only 9 and 11 when their parents split up?

I’m guessing from his working hours they weren’t necessarily that close to their father? Especially as it sounds like they had a close male relationship with their Grandfather?

You’ve implied that it was his decision to split not his wife’s? It doesn’t seem unreasonable for two such young kids to take that badly. They were old enough to understand what was going on in the house.

Children don’t know or care how much money you make, they care that you are active and present in their lives.

You can’t possibly know what their mother says to them but regardless, at 13 and 15yo they really shouldn’t have to be worrying about who pays for the house.

Your DH needs to focus on rebuilding his relationship with his kids. You don’t need to spend money to do that.

You bad mouthing their mother or telling them off is going to make things worse, not better.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 28/06/2018 07:27

Hmmm, if he worked 80 hour weeks then he didn't really spend very much time with his DCs when he lived with them. I don't think it takes a genius to work out why his DC don't want to spend time with him now, they don't KNOW him!

Whatshallidonowpeople · 28/06/2018 07:36

The kids wouldn't have a home if it wasn't for him?? He's their dad, it is his job to provide for them. He shouldn't do it for thanks.

SoapOnARoap · 28/06/2018 07:40

Has he taken any legal advice? No wonder he wants out, if he had to put up with her.
He’s being a pushover, he needs to see that though, not just you.

RayRayBidet · 28/06/2018 07:45

It is not his kids fault that you are struggling to put food on the table for your kids.
They didn't ask for any of this to happen.
So YABU.
Stay out of it.

SoyDora · 28/06/2018 07:48

How are you going to go about ‘demanding’ this respect?

Tooohot · 28/06/2018 08:08

Does he feel the same as you?

SugarIsAmazing · 28/06/2018 08:10

Not read all the thread but I did notice that some posters are saying if he worked all those hours he didn't care about his children when they were younger - I presume these are the same parents who leave their children in nursery full time.

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