on how to speak to someone with cancer

[LovelyBath77]

Lung cancer, a young person - very sad it seems to have spread from elsewhere as had in the past, not to do with smoking not that it makes much difference as what I wonder is about how to speak about it.

DH is all for the fighting talk, it is a battle and we must be positive. This worries me. as the prognosis is not good. Surely it might be giving false hope? But he thinks my idea which is to be generally normal and supportive might be 'negative'- in truth I think he worries I might be upset and that won't help either.

I know, sometimes there are no words. It will be very hard to not let true feelings known but it's not about others it's about the feelings of the person here and I want to try and approach it right.

It's difficult because I can see it from both points of view. It may be on the one hand that this person needs all the right motivational talk, but on the other they may need someone who doesn't treat them with kid gloves (although is nonetheless supportive through listening and offering a chance of normality, such as that may be).

What is your relationship with this person? Are you close or do you only know them as an acquaintance?

So difficult! My colleague had cancer and eventually died of it. We used to talk about it in a relatively natural way. I'm not sure I like the "battle" narrative, as it sounds like if you're giving up when you accept its terminal. Or that you haven't fought hard enough if you die, even!

I never talked to him about a potential recovery. We just reminisced about our working life together, talked about the great life he'd had, things like that. I always meant to ask him if he has any regrets but I never did, it felt too personal somehow. But I think it probably would have been ok! He never broke down in front of me except when he phoned me to say his good-byes, which was absolutely heart--wrenching. But I would have encouraged him to express his fear and sadness if he had.

Let them set the tone, I think.

www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/if-someone-has-cancer

It is my niece. on my husband's side.

Google "ring theory" for supporting those with life limiting illness.

Basically comfort is directed inwardly towards the ill person and their family etc, and everyone dumps the bad stuff outwards.

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/02/change-life-what-not-to-say-oliver-burkeman

yes I think I heard of that in a book I read called Late Fragments, the ring idea. well they can maybe dump on me then..

I would take their lead. My ds's friend has cancer and that's what we do. Ds mainly talks to her about cars and guinea pigs, these things are easier when you are 5

The ring theory is good.

But the key thing here, I think, is that there is no answer. Some people really hate the pressure of the ‘battle’ metaphor. Some people might want you to treat them exactly the same as ever, because they want to forget they're ill whilst they can, or they might be in the mood for a bit of dark humour. Of that day they might want calm. or sympathy, or it might be smiles, or it might be tears. There may be practical help you can offer, if they might want to be (militantly) self sufficient for as long as possible. And it can all change in a whisker, depending on what the latest test says or the extent of side effects that particular day,

Tell your DH to take mood cues from his niece. He should be himself, anc also be alert to he needs/wants that day. Same goes for her parents. as they are one ring closer in than he is.

So tough for you all

Just remember that incurable does not mean untreatable, some people with some cancers can be stable for years.

Doesn’t matter what age the person is it is very sad. Like other posters have suggested I would let your dh’s niece take the lead on what to talk about.

I agree it is sad whatever the age.

Yes I wonder if it maybe helps him to deal with it like that but it might not help as much, hopefully he is quite sensitive so will be better in talking with her and take the lead.

I imagine knowing her she will talk about other stuff as even though had it bad in the past doesn't talk about herself much and more about others. Bless her.

I have stage 4 cancer. These are my views but others may differ.

The whole 'battle' thing, fighting, don't give up etc is a load of crap. It puts pressure on the patient to be brave, to not admit to fear, to not be able to acknowledge just how awful it is, to be afraid of 'failing' by dying.

I hate people congratulating me. "Oh well done for going through the chemo..." "You're so brave..." What fucking choice do I have? Don't patronise me. You know nothing.

"I expect you feel x, y, z." I don't care what you expect and again, you don't know. ASK me how I feel. ASK me if there's anything I'd like. ASK me ....

Don't treat me like an idiot. I still have a brain, even though it may not work as fast as it did. I can still order food, talk to a waiter, drive a car, do the shopping, make decisions. Don't take over my life.

In other words, have respect, not pity. Have consideration not control.

I have cancer. Somedays I want to talk about it, somedays it’s the last thing I want to talk about. Be led by her, but I would avoid both overly negative ‘such a shame/tragedy ‘or overly positive ‘you’re a fighter/you’ll win’ statements. I like it when people talk about normal stuff and it’s not all about cancer.

And please - please don’t talk about turmeric/rosehip oil/keto/reiki/licking great aunt Edna’s mystic turtle. Or any one of the myriad of alternatives cancer ‘cures’ - unless she asks. Support the people who are supporting her, as in practical help, freezer food, dog walking, laundry, lifts etc.

One of the things that has been so lovely for me was being pushed into doing an amazon wish list of things to make treatment more bearable. I was reluctant at first but I did it and every now and again I get something through the post and it’s just sweet and touching - and things I really need, rather than chocolates I can’t stomach right now, or flowers that die.

I hope treatment goes well for her, and her prognosis improves. I have found maggies very good. There are a number of fb support groups for young people with cancer. There may be somedays when she just wants to talk to other people with cancer and no-one else.

And I completely agree with Twitter - don’t patronise and baby her. It’s intensely annoying.

What @TwitterQueen1 says

My sister has had cancer for 16 years (she's mid 30's now) and she hates the battle/fighting stuff type of talk.
She's gone through her treatment (7 different types of chemo, 2 stem cell transplants, multiple radiotherapy treatments, and some trial treatments that she was eligible for) because she had to, she's not brave, there wasn't really a choice.

She just wants to be treated like a normal person.

What Twitter and Buggeroffalo* said:

www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/a44380/things-not-to-say-cancer/

Your niece is still your niece, talk to her about the things you normally talk about. Take your lead from her if she wants to talk about her illness.

Oh Bugger, yes. I forgot the 'miracle' cures. One of the first people I told about my cancer went into a long spiel about how I should eat broccoli because it would cure me.

And don't send 'Get well soon' cards either. I received two of these, despite me saying it was stage 4, was a long job, would require chemo, followed by an op and then more chemo..

Both cards went straight in the bin.

A very dear fiend of mine has stage 4 lung cancer. I live on other side of the world so I'm not in her inner ring of support. We don't talk about the cancer at all. I get updates from other friends, and our communications are about gossip, gardening, family life etc. Just normal stuff.

TQ

You forgot the other major irritant - my friend’s morher’s dogsitter’s cleaner’s nephew’s girlfriend has what you’ve got and she runs marathons

Ha! Twitter yes I chucked my get well soon cards straight in the bin.

If I get one more head tilt and sad face I’ll chuck my wig at em.

People with cancer = still people. I’m no more inspirational or brave than I was before diagnosis, and there’s a marked decrease in my tolerance for fuckwittery.

I personally don't agree with the "it's a battle" type talk because if someone does from the cancer it's not because they didn't fight hard enough or want to live enough and who wants them to have that on their mind as they get sicker and sicker.

I've a couple of friends (they don't know each other) in various stages of cancer and they both have thanked me for not telling them to be strong. Lots of people have told them to fight and be strong and neither of them want to hear that.

Every person with cancer is different. I don't bring the cancer up unless they share something first. They want to forget about it when they can. They want to feel normal.

Yes iVamp ‘some women just breeeeeeze through chemo’! Well guess I’m super defective then. ‘Your children must be so sad’ seriously WTF. ‘How did you find out/How did they tell you’. Can I stop relieving it please.

And
Fuck
Off
With
The
Reiki

There isn't a standard "person with cancer" though.
I've known people who want to talk about their cancer, and I've known people who don't want to talk about it at all. Most of us don't mind the odd enquiry - we understand that people are worried and showing love and care by asking how things are, but for most of the time we'd rather you just chatted as you normally would.... "Are you watching the World Cup?"....... "Are you a 'Love Island' fan?"....... "What you doing to keep cool in this heat ?" etc., just the same as you would say to anyone else you were visiting.

DH has stage 4 lung cancer and his prognosis is bleak. He veers from dark humour (inappropriate funeral songs and talk of my inheritance) to thoughtful yet heartbreaking kindness (buying me meaningful gifts to remember him by and a dress for his funeral) and then on other occasions he's so depressed there are no words. But the main thing is he wants to have a conversation that isn't about cancer. He feels like he has lost his identity and is now the "sick person" - everyone asks how he is, and when his next chemo is, and so on, but for a long time nobody asked him his opinion on a new film, or where he was going on holiday, the normal things, because they were worried about putting their foot in it and seeming insensitive. But he has missed people teasing him because he's grumpy, or talking about themselves. He has said he wants to be himself and be treated like a friend or family member rather than defined by his illness.

Everyone is different though. What works for him in the humour stakes might sound sick or uncomfortable to others. So my advice is talk about her interests, and acknowledge the illness but don't make it all about the illness - ask her what she wants to talk about and take your lead from her.