on how to speak to someone with cancer

[LovelyBath77]

Lung cancer, a young person - very sad it seems to have spread from elsewhere as had in the past, not to do with smoking not that it makes much difference as what I wonder is about how to speak about it.

DH is all for the fighting talk, it is a battle and we must be positive. This worries me. as the prognosis is not good. Surely it might be giving false hope? But he thinks my idea which is to be generally normal and supportive might be 'negative'- in truth I think he worries I might be upset and that won't help either.

I know, sometimes there are no words. It will be very hard to not let true feelings known but it's not about others it's about the feelings of the person here and I want to try and approach it right.

Oh yes iVampire. Good point. And they'll be raising thousands of pounds for charity at the same time....

Just what you want to hear when you're lying in bed unable to do anything except cry and puke.

Thanks for all the replies. I also read this book Late Fragments by Kate Gross (she had bowel cancer in early 30s and two young sons) it was really helpful also, said about the battle stuff being unhelpful..having been very ill in the past and the silly things said then e.g. "I don;t know how you did that, going into hospital like that for that op' - em I had to?! I know it can be really frustrating and annoying, better to say nothing really.

My younger sister died of cancer a few months ago. She was only in her 40s.

What hurt her most is when people said nothing at all. Some of her "close" friends told me they "couldn't handle it" and just avoided her. She lived in a small village so quite obvious.

Ok. I just sent a nice bunch of flowers for the start of her treatment tomorrow to let her know we are thinking of her. I thought that might be nice as if it is chemo she wouldn't want chocolates for example if feeling sick. Not some big garish bunch a sweet one. So I hope that strikes the right note. Then when i see her in person we won't have the awkwardness of discussing it there etc unless she wants to of course.

Actually OP chocolates can be a lovely gift because sugar keeps nausea at bay and chemo patients often like snacky things they can reach for if they're feeling bleurgh. I've never eaten so many sugary things... .

A healthier alternative would be a bag of mixed fruit and nuts.

Ok thanks, that's good to know. I can ask what she would like and get if for her. Hmm there is an option to add chocs so might do that...kind thoughts xx

Im really sorry to hear about your niece. How old is she? I really do think it depends as there is such a difference between the age groups that are all described as young. I had osteosarcoma when I was 18 and treated on a TCT ward with 13-20 year olds, our emotional needs were very different from the younger ones- so it’s very difficult to advise without knowing her age.
I agree with you about your husbands fighting talk more to make himself feel better. Your niece will have heard that from pretty much everyone else, it’s exhausting to listen to and it puts cancer patients on a pedestal and pressures us to be this ‘brave, fierce, cancer arse kicking, warrior’ then the reality is we are shit scared, have no choice but to have treatment and want it over and done with ASAP. Acknowledge it- tell her it’s really shit and ask about her treatment plan. What’s the next step? When does this cycle finish? When’s the last treament? It’s nice to have little goals.

Sorry if that wasn’t much help, if she’s in the age bracket I was in (17 when diagnosed, 18 during treatment) PM me and I’ll try to be more helpful

TwitterQueen1

I am a cancer survivor myself.
I agree with what you are saying as I too said to my friends that i did what i had to do in order to beat it.

I am sure all cancer fighters and survivors understand what I mean when I say that it is terrifying but what helped ME was the battle talk. I kept myself motivated and in high spirits by making jokes and putting on my fighter hat on. That and my family are the only things that kept me going.

I hope you have a community of family and friends that are here for you and to support you; i hope that you have joy and moments of happiness in spite all this shit tpu have to go through because it gives a focus other than the treatments; and I hope you feel loved.

OP
As other have said take the lead from her. Support her but dont forget to support her parents because they are supporting her and who are supporting them?

Ring of love.

Bubbles I'm very glad you found motivation and comfort from the whole 'battle' scenario and it's interesting (and great!) that it worked for you. It's true to say that there's no such thing as a 'standard' cancer patient and there's no one fix that will suit us all.

It's great to hear that you're a survivor - long may you continue to be one. My 'battle' was 'lost' last year.

I had an auntie bring in a book on macrobiotic eating as she believed it would help. I made my feelings clear by sending her straight to Maccys

She is 25 (I think, mid 20s anyway). Had cancer previously as a baby- brain tumour, but thought she was a miracle recovery as been Ok since. Suddenly in hospital with pneumonia though a few weeks ago, and was in intensive care, we don't know if that was the cancer in fact or a mixture. She seems Ok just now - been out a few weeks, and I think starting chemo now..

My DH had cancer.
We hated the "Keep strong and think positive" talk more than anything. It suggest that if only people with cancer tried a bit harder they would all recover. Which as we know is not only rubbish, but also put a huge emphasis on "self help" (in other words guilt) on the person who is ill. If positive thinking cured cancer we'd all be fine, wouldn't we?

We much preferred along the lines of "Jeepers, that's crap. What can we do to help? And here's your dinners for the week and a really good book (not about cancer) that I enjoyed and thought you might like to read".

And if the person with cancer wants to talk about something else, be led by them.

Oh yes to the "eat only yellow food and you'll beat it" people. Grrrr...... (and that Peruvian Cat's Claw stuff has been discredited too!)

You need to judge it off the people who this is happening to. So your niece and her immediate family.

Whatever attitude it is that's helping them get through this, then join in with that.

My DH had cancer recently, just talk about normal things. Ask how they are and it will lead from there.

I haven't had cancer but I have been very ill in the past and the whole thing about 'awkwardness' really really irritated me because it was all about how the other person felt and how they didn't want to be upset/say the wrong thing. How I felt didn't really come in it, despite all the bullshit about wanting to help.

There is no set way to behave. But the one thing I would say is that it isn't about you. That may seem like an obvious thing to say but fuck me do you realise just how self centred people are when you're vulnerable - they might like to think they want to help but in actual fact they really really don't - they want to protect their own feelings and avoid discomfort at all costs.

My advice is that if you're doing anything because you feel you should, then forget it. The last thing you want when you're ill is someone putting in the time and expecting you to be grateful for it. Either be there, willing to help in the way that she needs it, regardless of what you think is best or just don't bother.

My MIL used to buy my GMIL lots of healthy food, that then ended up being binned. My MIL used to grumble endlessly about it. When I asked MIL why GMIL wouldn't eat the food she said 'She says she doesn't like it.' To which my response was 'so why on earth are you buying it for?' MIL wanted to force GMIL to eat healthy food that she didn't want because then she herself would feel better about 'helping.' I told her to go out and buy what GMIL wanted - caramel squares and crisps. GMIL, who hadn't finished a meal in months and was literally wasting away, stood at the counter and ate almost the entire packet of caramel squares, then wandered off with a packet of crisps. The woman was 93, she had earned the bloody right to eat crisps and caramel squares. It surprised MIL that the genuine reason she wasn't eating was because she didn't like the food and wanted crisps instead - as though because she was elderly she couldn't possibly know what she wanted.

'Help' that isn't helpful is nasty interference. Don't do it.

Very well said spaghetti! I had "But I wouldn't feel right if I didn't come with you.." What I wanted to say was "I don't give a flying fuck if you feel right or not. It's not about you. I've asked you 3 times not to come in with me. If you can't do as I ask don't offer to 'help'.

And then I heard back later that apparently I was being 'prickly and defensive'.

I don’t want to sound selfish but being a wife of someone with cancer, please could people occasionally ask how we’re doing too. Everyone quite rightly asked how DH and the DC were, I was often forgotten. That was hard as I was trying to hold everyone together.

Ask her if she wants to,talk about it. Listen rather talk.
Ask her what she’d like - ice cold beer is better than wine.
Everyone is different and copes in different ways.
She might hate scarves and hats. She might not lose her hair.
She might want to do battle or she might feel pressured by the idea she has control over the outcome.
She might even want to talk about her funeral choices.
Just ask her.

I also had cancer as a young adult (17-19). My prognosis was also not very good.

I didn’t find the fighting talk very helpful. Often it seemed to be used to help the other person avoid uncomfortable topics. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to talk about the fact that I was scared about my stem cell transplant, or what would happen if it didn’t work. People would always interrupt me with a bracing, “You have to stay positive.” Or the even worse comments that imply staying positive would increase your survival chances.

Also unhelpful were comments on how you might have caused your own cancer (eating too many tomatoes) or suggestions for natural remedies or vegetable juices that might help.

If she wants to talk about the cancer, I would listen. If not, I would talk about normal things. Just say briefly that you care and are thinking of her.

You could also offer practical help - lifts to appointments, visits in hospital and taking dirty clothes home to wash, bringing in favourite snacks/magazines, fetching and returning library books, offer spare room/sofa bed to stay overnight for e.g. friends from uni/further away who might want to visit her.

YY to blatantly. It is tremendously hard being the wife/carer of someone with cancer or any long term illness. We're exhausted and terrified too...and yet we have to hold it all together. I had several moments of really not being able to be strong any more. I also gave up work and my only income was carer's allowance (still is!) so sudden and deep poverty was a real issue too.

Spaghettijumper

Well said.
My older sister did that and your post gave me another perspective on how she behaves. Thank you you ve just explained 41 years of difficult relationship: she is self centred and I am not so we cant work 😄

TwitterQueen1
I am sorry. My heart reaches out to you.

fuzzy and blatantly yes! It feels so difficult, because everyone tells you that you have to stay strong for the dc and your DH but really nobody is being strong for you. It's hard knowing where to find support when you feel that the person with cancer deserves the support more because they are actually sick, but on the other hand would quite like someone to talk to yourself. I still feel a bit selfish about that.

I have lost rather too many people close to me through cancer. My best friend and I kept our relationship as it always was, laughs, giggles about old times, talk about her treatment. We had great days out, even when she became disabled, and I was pleased that we could do something different and get out and about away from unremitting chemo and radiotherapy. We cried together too. What she really hated was people saying "How are you?" in that rather hushed reverential tone, and sort of tippy toeing around her. She didn't want to be made to feel different to everyone else.
Another friend, who survived cancer, was infuriated by her father in law, who constantly talked at her in hushed tones, and randomly stroked her arm. He obviously didn't know how to deal with it, but this was not the right way!
My brother died of cancer recently. He was a very difficult person. He remained difficult and we often had disagreements while he was dying. Cancer doesn't somehow elevate you to sainthood.
I would say, treat a cancer sufferer as you have always treated them as a person.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners

I understand what you mean. Can you afford to go privately to a councellor weekly so you can discuss your feelings? Someone that is here just for you.
You are NOT selfish you are human and you re holding the fort on your own and that is hard too. It is hard to always be strong and positive for everyone.

Best wishes.