To ignore DD when she's in so much pain?

[mrsshelby44]

Every night. Without fail. I put my 4 year old to bed. She has her milk and is meant to go to sleep after that. She'll be in her bed and I'll think she's gone to sleep then it starts.

Muuuum my finger hurts.
Muuuum now my leg hurts and I finger too
Muuuuum I need the toilet because my tummy hurts and my bum bum
Muuuum my fingers still hurting
Muuuuuuuum I feel sick
Mum mum mum muuuum? My toenail hurts
Mummy remember when I felt sick in the car?
I feel car sick but I'm in my bed so I'm bed sick.

I offer her cuddles but I don't want her to rely on me to get to sleep iyswim

She goes to bed at 7;30 and this will go on until 9:30/10 sometimes!

AIBU to ignore her? I'm worried she'll actually be sick/Hurt one day and no one will believe her!

Literally at the point where I don't know what to do. I don't like the thought of her crying herself to sleep although I know it's not going to harm her.

I've tried ignoring her she just gets louder and screams to the point I shout back which i hate myself for!

I dread bed times. She's currently in the bath and I'm about to get her out read a book or two and see if she goes to sleep.

I will grab any advice with both hands!! 🧐

Do you ever tell her to stop it and go to sleep?
At 4 there’s no way I’d be putting up with that

Are you trying to get her to go to sleep too early? Not all children need the same amount.

Could she play/colour quietly for another half an hour, on the basis that it is quiet and independent?

No way would I tolerate that. Close the door, close several doors, ignore

You need to figure out what it is with your DD.

Is she not tired? Is she tired but finding it hard to go to sleep? Is she wanting attention? etc etc.

Work out what her 'problem' actually is, and then you're on the way to resolving it.

EG if she's not tired, some quiet activity (looking at a picture book or listening to a story tape or soothing music). If she IS tired, maybe something to help her relax and drop off.
Maybe you sitting quietly with her, in a dim-dark room, not speaking, but being with her would help.

Good luck.

Yes I tell her to lay down and go to sleep. I say just close your eyes for a little while. Never works!

I live in a flat I can hear her even if I shut the doors. It so frustrating after a long day.

I will put her to bed at 8 tonight. She always struggles to get up in the morning after her antics but it doesn't put her off it the same the next night!

1. Please tell me you brush her teeth after her milk.

2. she's 4. She wants her mum. Give her a cuddle for 10 minutes, she'll probably be asleep by then.

See if she can sit downstairs quietly, wait until she asks to go to bed. Try it, it won't harm her for one night, once she's in bed even if it's 10pm ignore any calls, pop your head around the door just to check she's ok.

If you are fairly sure that it is minor/ psychosomatic etc, I'd just keep cool but kind. "Oh dear, well the best kind of cure for that kind of ache/sickness is to go to sleep" " Well you need to go to sleep as soon as you can so that it will get better" etc.
You could also try blitzing her with cuddles/ attention etc for the 30 mins or so before bedtime, then story and go to sleep. She may just be wanting more of your attention.
Sometimes children do this because it is their way of trying to keep the relationship with the parent going. Sleep feels like a bit of a disruption to the relationship and they don't want to disconnect. Offer her some nice things to think about while she drops off ( think about what we could do on Saturday, anything that enables her to think about her relationship with you) You could also offer her something of yours to cuddle or " look after" while she drops off ( eg hanky or scarf). You could also say she just needs to lie in bed quietly and try to sleep but you will come back and check if her toenail has dropped off is still hurting in 20 minutes. That way she doesn't have to make a demand for the relationship to keep continuing. If she is still awake after 20 mi utes, rinse and repeat but keep your visits brief but reassuring!

If she does it tonight I will ask her what the matter is instead of just being short and annoyed with her. I feel terrible but when it's hours every night my patience just runs out.

I thought at this age she would "get it" this is bed time I must go to sleep. But nope not yet

I would be giving her a cuddle, story, etc whatever your routine is. Then I'd say 'it's grown up time now, I won't be speaking to you till morning'. Then don't.

That's great advice thank you Edu!

Tell her the story about the boy who cried wolf or the one about the boy with his finger in the dam.

Then before bed time check if she is feeling well and if anything hurts.

She is obviously pushing boundaries and feeling separation anxiety.

Talk through bed time with her.
We’re going to wash and get ready, mummy will read you a story and then we’ll say good night. I will be downstairs and I’m not going far but it’s bedtime and you need to stay in bed and try to sleep.
Maybe pair that with a reward system for doing it?

It’s tough but you need to stop before it becomes a bigger habit

May just be she's not tired at that time. Some kids have more energy than others. Try keeping her up a bit later and See if that will make a difference.

I sympathise, when mine were that age I'd well and truly exhausted any patience by bedtime.
Have you tried the rabbit who wants to go to sleep book? I've got a sleep-resistant child and it helped relax her, even if she wasn't quite asleep by the end but I think for a younger child it might work really well.

Maybe she isn't tired. So she gets bored and wants some attention. Dd used to get a sore tummy, but I used to give it a rub and send her for a wee.
Good luck tonight OP. Hope she goes to sleep. :)

sshh! you'll wake teddy up.
Oh dear, what a pity your leg hurts. Go to sleep and your body will mend it.
1 loo trip, one drink of milk, 1 story, one extra cuddle. And then if you go up again get cross. Good night. see you in the morning.

Have you tried a reward chart for when she does go to bed like she should, gets a star the following morning but doesn't get one if she doesn't and explain why, reward after so many stars

I'd say hip it in the bud. Say "oh never mind darling, let's see how you feel tomorrow" Her pain seems more attention seeking than an actual problem so don't indulge it

Put on an audio story to nod off too but a plug in timer light (I think moon light) which switches off after an hour

See if that works

If DS2 can't get to sleep I let him do something quiet for half an hour then tell him to lie down. It always works.

Why does she still have milk at night? Put her to bed later & make sure you wake her earlier for a few nights to reset herself.

We had this with our daughter. Drove us nuts, turned out she has ADHD

She is only 4 and needs her mummy. She obviously just looking for your attention but that doesn’t mean you should ignore her and just tell her to stop (if only all 4 year olds stopped whenever they were told to!).
Try to be patient with her (i also have a testing 4yo so I know that’s not always easy). Be sympathetic but don’t encourage it. Just say ‘well that’s a pity isn’t it, when mummy has a sore leg/finger etc the best way to fix it is to snuggle up and get a good nights sleep’. If you ignore her she’ll probably just carry on or it will escalate. I always find its better to just take the time, show her you are listening to her and try to distract her/ give her some mechanisms to get to sleep calmly. I frequently have to practice deep breathing with my DS to get him to settle down! Good luck! Xx

All the positive stuff is great but some sort of negative consequence may be necessary if that doesn’t work. She is taking time away from your evening.

I have a friend who had a similar problem with her kid. She solved it by having a "two times" rule. The kid could call her in for whatever reason and she'd respond but then bedroom door was pulled halfway closed when she left. If the kid calls a second time she'll come back but then she will shut the door when she leaves and no more coming back in the room. Her kid never uses up his second time just in case, also I don't think he likes having his door closed. Only works if you stick to it, though, otherwise you train them to know they can just keep calling and you'll come.

I co sleep with my little boy and I know that's not for everyone but he gets straight to sleep so that's a positive for us. I think it's very normal for that age to be nervous about sleeping alone I know I've been nervous before and i know some adults who hate sleeping alone. so I think it's very normal. Could you try lying with her maybe listening to a relaxing story cd then cuddles and see if that helps It seems to me she is having some kind of seperation anxiety at night time and just wanting to be with you which is hard but I would try relaxing lots of snuggles and reassurance and see if thst helps I don't think leaving her alone to get on with it is a good option but I know lots of people would disagree with that. I just think if you a adult where suffering with anxiety would you want your husband/ friend / parent to talk with you, reassure you if the answer is yes then why would a child not want that.