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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DD to get a job or even just

88 replies

Mari0990 · 27/06/2018 17:17

NC for this. Our DD finished uni last month then went on holiday abroad. She’s now back but we’ve heard no talk of her even looking for a job. Though she did mention another holiday in a few weeks time, and shes borrowed the flight money from us. Don’t know what she’s going to do for spending money. AIBU to think she should start looking for a job or should she be allowed a few months off to rest? She pays no rent and doesn’t contribute as obviously she’s been at uni the last three years. We still give her a small monthly allowance but that’s a throwback to support her outgoings at uni, and technically she only finished last month. I want to broach the subject with her, DH said to leave her alone , so should we give her more time, if so how much more?

OP posts:

LoveInTokyo · 27/06/2018 18:24

By the way OP, I got a graduate job (training contract with a law firm) during the summer I left uni, but it didn’t start for two years. I worked in a pub while I was applying and for a good long while afterwards. If I hadn’t been successful in the first cycle I would have worked full-time in the pub for six months and then done some travelling. I also did lots of “little jobs” while I was at law school. None of my friends went straight into graduate jobs, and that was ten years ago. They all did stuff like waitressing and bar work, or internships, or teaching English abroad for a few months. It didn’t do any of them any harm and they’ve all got good jobs now.

lhastingsmua · 27/06/2018 18:26

I would genuinely be embarrassed if I was her age and unemployed!

Where’s her independence for a start? She has to ask you for money for everything?

I had a job throughout uni (I’m 22) and now I work in my chosen industry, which my previous job massively helped with. I have also been mainly financially independent since I was 18, when I moved out. I couldn’t imagine moving back in with my parents with no desire to get a new job and move back out

Original poster

Mari0990 · 27/06/2018 18:28

Ok thanks @LoveInTokyo - duly noted. It’s really been brought home that she needs to do something even if just part time meanwhile.

OP posts:

otterturk · 27/06/2018 18:40

Ah give her a bit of a break.

SluttyButty · 27/06/2018 18:44

My daughter is in week two of finishing her A levels before starting uni in October. I'd already told her to look for work because we aren't bank rolling her summer off. She's not made much of an effort other than muttering about being poor and bored, so dh has found her a temp job at his company, she starts next week!

SanFranBear · 27/06/2018 18:51

Agree with a lot of the posters here.. I was knackered after my degree as everything counted from the final year and my dissertation almost killed me.

I got a job at Butlins for the summer and actually stayed until Christmas. The pay was rubbish but there was no brain power involved and it was basically like being on holiday without actually being on holiday - it was just what I needed! Gave me independence but you live on site and they feed you so the basics are covered and I made some friends for life.

I can see where your DD is coming from completely but it doesn't sound like you expect her to slot into a career as such - just realise that she needs to stand on her own two feet. There are loads of options that will enable her to switch off from using her brain which was all I really cared about.

Good luck for your chat!

Petalflowers · 27/06/2018 18:55

If she can’t afford a holiday, then you shouldn’t be subsidising her.

I also think,you should give her a deadline, and then be expected to start contributing. However, she should soon be start looking, getting her cv ready etc.

wictional · 27/06/2018 19:10

I’m with the “let her have this”

It’s the last chance she’ll get to be free.

Once she comes back from the holiday, she can start the job hunt and be a hamster in a wheel like the rest of us.

trickyboots · 27/06/2018 19:11

Yeah I'd give her notice on the allowance and phone. Bed and board and occasional miscellaneous needs is generous enough. She's been in a very luxurious position thus far.

Ellisandra · 27/06/2018 19:17

Needs a rest?!
When she wasn’t even juggling uni with a part time job?
Nope, not buying that.

I’m all for the idea of enjoy some free time now as you don’t often get longer periods away from work once you start... but don’t come out with nonsense about needing a rest!

Lovely life, enough allowance not to need a job whilst at uni, and now you’re paying for her holiday flight for her?!! More fool you.

missymayhemsmum · 27/06/2018 19:23

She needs a plan, even if the plan includes enjoying the summer for a few weeks. You need to know what the plan is. your dh is bu, even if he is enjoying having his little girl back home for a while.

Granolabear · 27/06/2018 19:57

Did she even have summer jobs, OP? Because if not, surely she’s had a couple of four month holidays already?

As previous PP said, I was expected to be temping all summer long and immediately I was finished uni, even though I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do! That was considered being ‘off’ from a real career! (Ie as a previous op said re butlins, working and paid but not stressful).

The advantage of even the lowest office temping is that it gives useful office skills - when I finally got into my chosen field (where everyone starts as an assistant) after a couple of years and a postgrad later, I flew past the naice girls whose mummies had never made them get a job... they were like limp lettuces, utterly clueless and strangely wide eyed and looking for someone to help them. Don’t let your daughter be the latter!

Rr3laxingdayz · 27/06/2018 20:14

If she is unemployed she needs to apply for job seekers allowance or universal credit. She should be applying for jobs and signing up for agency work. Living at home and giving her an allowance is not doing her any favours. She is an adult and needs to be independent. A job or jobs are not going to magically appear, she needs to put in time and effort. Holidays are a luxury !

Rr3laxingdayz · 27/06/2018 20:16

She needs a rest - a rest from you giving her free money and free board !

Banana8080 · 27/06/2018 20:20

Give her 2 months notice on charging her a (reasonable) rent, and loan her NO more holiday money.

She’s done nothing wrong as you’re enabling her, now is time to stop that.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/06/2018 20:25

you will never get rid of her and she will always be a leech

Wow, I'm amazed at how harsh some posters are being!!

My parents supported me through uni alongside my loan, I was extremely lucky to get this help, then I moved home for a couple of months before moving to London and finding a job when I got there. Thankfully they didn't at any time see their own child as a leech!

Obviously I wouldn't have hung around home indefinitely and I knew I was expected to get a job and move out but it was lovely to have a couple of months grace and to know I was welcome and wanted.

Battleax · 27/06/2018 20:28

Leech? Wow.

There are some psycho parents out there.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 20:32

Leech? That's unnecessary. I think it's normal to have a month or two to relax after finals assuming she's only just finished she's hardly a leach so far. You do need to talk to her though and let her know that the monthly allowance will stop on X date and she'll need to make a contribution to house hold expenses too (even if it's just a nominal amount).

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 20:34

Most people I know (at least those who had the luxury not to) didn't do temping while job hunting as most temp jobs at least in my neck of the woods wanted mon-fri 9-5 which doesn't work with interviews.

Fairyliz · 27/06/2018 20:35

My DD had her last uni hand in mid April. Her accommodation in the university city is until the end of June, so she stayed there and did extra shifts in her shop job that she had during her time at uni.

She started job hunting in February and has just got a graduate job starting September (as most of them seem to).

We are collecting her on Friday so she will have July and August off and will be able to go on holiday with the £2000 she has earned since finishing university.

I think that's the perfect amount of time to have off. Enough time for fun but not too much that you get out of the habit of working.
.

lhastingsmua · 27/06/2018 20:36

Isn’t being unemployed stunting her life progression/maturity?

Does she drive? Does she have a car?

Doesn’t she have bills like her travel costs, phone, gym etc?

Doesn’t she want to fund her own clothes, nights out, treats etc? Upgrade her tech? Hobbies?

Doesn’t she want to build up her savings? Go on more holidays?

Or move out? And furnish/decorate her own flat?

I don’t really think a break is worth it if she’s only ‘recovering’ from university. It’s not like she’s taking a mental break after a stressful/horrible job etc. Any job she has now will be very junior/entry level - again she’s stunting her working life as she won’t have much experience and be a bit shit in the workplace until she gains more experience. Others her age will already have this experience and be very confident and skilled in their roles. So this will work against her when applying for ‘proper’ jobs in her industry. On the other hand, junior roles can be more lenient and can be a good step towards her desired job. EG in retail she may be able to swap shifts if she needs to (gives more flexibility in life planning/appointments/days off etc), amongst others

welshmist · 27/06/2018 20:37

My sons started work at 16, worked weekends and holidays, worked in uni. holidays. When they finished their degrees they did have a six week holiday travelling around Europe which they had earned we felt. It can take time to find a job luckily they found jobs immediately. One of them in fact was head hunted so told them he would start in September.

fannyanddick · 27/06/2018 21:05

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Some people have the money and take 6 months off after uni to travel, relax etc. But (if you can afford subbing her for a bit) the key is knowing her plans and being sure that she is not just drifting. Did she get a good degree from a good uni? What grade and subject. There are a lot of graduate opportunities that may become less open to her as time passes.

Leeds2 · 27/06/2018 21:26

I would happily subsidise my DD if she was looking for jobs, actively, and/or doing part time stuff such as waitressing, bar work at the same time. That doesn't seem to be the case here.
So, I would sit her down, with OH, and tell her that this month's allowance is the last she will be receiving, and that this month's phone bill is the last you will be paying. And do just that! Would also tell her that rent will be payable from next month and, if she doesn't pay, she will be asked to leave.
You will be doing her a favour, although she won't thank you for it at the moment.

Rr3laxingdayz · 27/06/2018 21:29

At the moment if you are supporting DC and she has holidays as her priority, she has no incentive to work.

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