To expect DD to get a job or even just

[Mari0990]

NC for this. Our DD finished uni last month then went on holiday abroad. She’s now back but we’ve heard no talk of her even looking for a job. Though she did mention another holiday in a few weeks time, and shes borrowed the flight money from us. Don’t know what she’s going to do for spending money. AIBU to think she should start looking for a job or should she be allowed a few months off to rest? She pays no rent and doesn’t contribute as obviously she’s been at uni the last three years. We still give her a small monthly allowance but that’s a throwback to support her outgoings at uni, and technically she only finished last month. I want to broach the subject with her, DH said to leave her alone , so should we give her more time, if so how much more?

You’re right French, it does work both ways.

Yeah but there's a difference between finding stopgap jobs, etc then a graduate and just being sat on your arse, having holidays paid for by someone else.

"Rest" is one thing but some sort of plan and discussion with family would be better.

She should get a job...i worked all the way through uni aswell, as did most people.

No Francis, she hasn’t worked the last couple of years, she did have a job before that.

I was generous when she was at university. She was warned the allowance stopped as soon as she graduated. I would feed and house her but no cash and paid for her own phone.
She was earning two weeks later. Part time was fine for her needs at that point.
A year later she was working abroad full time. And loving it.
I wouldn't be paying for any holidays with her mates!

Paying for her phone is treating her like a child. She may not have her long term career plans sorted out yet, and a break after graduating is fine, but she should be planning to do something soon, to earn money and have something to put on her cv.

Has she signed on to get JSA?

I would stop the phone, the allowance and lending her money. She doesn’t realise how lucky she is.

Give her a deadline, say 2 months. Then the allowance stops, and she becomes self funding. In the meantime, she does designated chores. (And after, unless she is then paying rent etc.)

I would be gently suggesting that an interim job is worth having before you decide on the "proper" graduate job.

I think the pressure on having a degree (and a massive student loan) is that you somehow feel you should be getting a job which only your qualifications match. Maybe she is just trying to get her head around everything, fair enough.

But in the meantime a menial job is nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't damage your CV.

My nephew had this after uni, convinced he had to get a proper graduate job, had one lined up for Sept, hated it after three months, now doing post grad. Would have been better to just take things a bit more slowly, and think about next steps over a few months, whilst doing a bit of part-time work. Nephew went abroad in the summer to work in Far East, au pair sort of job, not much money involved more experience, and worked in holidays in similar roles.

Keeping busy is important but you dont have to find your forever job immediately, nor should you be frightened into making decisions which send you in wrong direction career wise. I jumped headfirst into job that seemed right, and couldn't extricate myself from wrong career for about 10 years, at which point I retrained. Wish I had given myself more time at the beginning.

Both me and OH found jobs before we graduated and had conditional offers to join grad schemes. I would expect my kids later (now mid teens) to do exactly the same. As an indication my 2 have just finished GCSEs, they started to look for part time work (tricky to find, but have to start someone) at the weekend immediately after finishing.

I find it weird that you can’t broach the subject. Surely she has a career in mind? Or at least realizes that she needs to start contributing something? I would sit her down and tell her she needs to start applying or you will have cut/remove her allowance. Also she should certainly be doing some household tasks. Good luck and try to be calm but firm!!

Little she cant get jsa if she’s not applying for jobs and also she’s being supported by family so probably ineligible, as far as I’m aware.

What’s with the exhausted after uni? I’m exhausted after work every bloody day! No one bank rolls me!

""Has she signed on to get JSA?""

It would be Universal Credit and it might be a good idea to suggest it, rather than, "so you getting a job, or what?". The hoops that she would have to jump through, would be enough for her to beg for a job.

The holidays might be a last blast before she settles down, which would make sense.

You just need to start the conversation off and find out what she is planning. Is she nervous of the whole procedure. Does she need any help.etc. Rather than an attack.

But grad schemes are much harder to get on now. My nephew must have applied to nearly 8 in his last year. It was actually a terrible distraction from his academic work, and I can only say that there was a a sort of hysteria associated with getting a "graduate" job which wasn't warranted, as they were all only 20/just 21 year olds with limited skills.

There were less graduates around in the old days and they had a higher cachet, if you were the right sort of graduate.

A friend's daughter was behaving like this for about 3 months, without a job, and suddenly sprang into action in Oct. My friend had to bite her lip until then, felt very disagreeable but it was daughter's decision and that in itself reaped the dividend to daughter's self confidence and esteem.

By all accounts mention self financing but not in the everyone else is managing to pay for themselves and you are hopelessly spoilt (which I am sure you wouldn't say - except that a lot of posters are saying that and I think it is a bit counterproductive)

My son is about a month out of uni and we were badgering him from the off! It doesnt seem to have resulted in much. He says he is applying, but I can't help but wonder if he is. I know I will have to bring the hammer down at some point, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it until at least our family holiday is over mid August. He isn't receiving any money from us, just board, and he is helping out with jobs around the house. None of which is getting him started on his career, I realise that, but at least he isn't totally free loading.

Has your daughter a career in mind? I think you need to sit down and talk about what she is planning. See if she mentions specific careers.

It is exhausting when you leave uni because it is a massive transition from one sort of life to another. And you have done a lot of WORK whilst there. But work is good; it is just a different sort of work that's all.

I think some people are being a bit naive in thinking that what they were able to do 20 years ago is the same as now. Degrees are not worth what they were. A graduate who hasn't worked in two years is less employable in an entry level job that anyone with more recent work experience. You have to compete hard for unpaid voluntary work. You don't just walk into a decent job, or even a min wage job for a decent employer.

I also think having £50k+ in debts when you start life as an adult does give you a bit of a weird attitude to money. Because unless you have a science degree or get on a graduate programme in London you wont pay it all back... its just permanent debt.

I would just have a chat to her personally - say that you cant support her long term financially, you know she might need short term help now but does she have a plan? Also explain realistically it will take months to find a decent job, easily 6 months to a year before she starts - so she needs to start looking even if she has holiday plans.

My DD has been nome for uni for a week

She’s still got bags of stuff downstairs, but she is looking for a job ( infant she has an interview on Friday , and 2 next week )

She still gets an allowance from us , but that will stop soon

She wants to have a year off after school and uni , while she has a think about what she wants to do , but she knows she needs to earn some money 😀

At the moment you are giving her free rent, council tax, bills, food, phone, and on top of that giving her spending money too and a free 'loan' for a flight for a holiday.

How long are you happy for this to continue? It's your money, it's up to you not her.

FYI DD worked from the week she came back from uni, but lived rent free while she got herself a bit sorted.

Thank you all, plenty of really good comparable examples and measured advice on here, knew it would be good to ask. Will show your posts to DH and tackle this head on in a planned, calm way as suggested by many.

Why does she need a rest?

In my summers when I was a student I temped. Called the agency Friday, I'd be temping by Monday morning. Offices, factories, etc etc.