To believe my married friends exclude me because I'm single?

[Onedaymyshipwillcomein]

Two of my friends, whom I've known for around 25 years, have over the last eight years or so stopped inviting me on nights out or day trips/weekends away etc (literally since I split with my ex) and I feel quite excluded.
We haven't had any fall outs whatsoever, but I've noticed that I only ever hear from them when its one of our birthdays, dc's birthdays or Christmas. And the only time I see them now is a quick meet up in the local to their works pub (they work together) during their lunch break. And thats just so we can exchange birthday gifts.

I did used to contact them to try and arrange nights out but I gave up when told that they'd 'hate to go out to all the pulling places nowadays' and are 'glad they don't need to anymore'
Fair enough, they're married and settled, but what about me?
Why can't they once in a while go out with me, like we used to, so that I might have the opportunity to meet someone?
After all, its difficult to meet someone new if you don't go out! I'm not even expecting once a month, I'd be happy with an occasional night out.

It especially hurts when I notice on fb how many times my 'friends' go out with each other, mostly with their dh's and other couples and I'm never invited.
Although, when I was still with my ex we were included in everything. I just feel so upset and pissed off that people who I thought were my friends seem to not give a crap about me anymore and I feel its a case of 'I'm alright Jack'.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has found that their married friends have distanced themselves since they've become single?

Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

YANBU how incredibly hurtful. I've never liked to go to "pulling" type places but would happily go occasionally to support a friend. I'd also never exclude a friend from social stuff because they're single how horrible.

My friend said she had a similar thing happen to her after she got divorced - she was basically ousted from her previous social circle.

I would try to cultivate new friendships these people seem incredibly lacking in loyalty or empathy.

Been there, done that. Before I met DH I was a single parent and was never invited to nights out with my school-gate mum friends. I had one very good friend who was married and hated the way they behaved so deliberately made a point of not going in solidarity. Now I'm married, they frequently invite me and said good friend out, and we never bother.

It is hurtful, and really childish behaviour but if they were real friends, they just wouldn't do it.

YANBU about not being invited/ going out with you

YABU to expect them to go out with you to ‘pulling places’ for the specific purpose of you meeting someone

I have been there and got the t-shirt years ago. It does hurt and yanbu. Is there any clubs or hobby things you can join? Go out with friends from work?

Bridget Jones was right in some respects of the smug marrieds. I have been told women do it out of fear for their marriages and don't want someone single around their husbands. I hope to god that this isn't true. If it is I feel very sorry for women who are that insecure.

YANBU

But just trying to see it from their point of view, maybe they chat about work stuff and don't want you to feel left out? Same with the couple meet ups, maybe they think it would be rubbing it in your face to invite you.

I'd talk to them .They might not realise how you feel.

Definitely no excuse for them not to come on nights out however. If they are real friends they would be more than happy to support you, especially if it is only once every few months.

I'd never go to a "pulling" place (not my scene at all, even if I were single, yuck) but can't they go out with you for meals etc?

Sorry to hear this OP, the same thing happened to me. My answer was to find a new group of single girl friends who were at the same life stage as me and wanted to go to the same sorts of places as me. Now I have a partner I have been fully accepted back into the old fold and we all meet up with our partners. (and I still see the group of single girls!)

It does suck and is hurtful but I tried to see it as a consequence of being at different life stages rather than it just being them trying to be deliberately hurtful.

YANBU about not being invited/ going out with you

YABU to expect them to go out with you to ‘pulling places’ for the specific purpose of you meeting someone

^ this

Next time you go out with them, have a look at the conversation. If it is you talking about yourself and your dating all the time, then you can change that and talk about stuff that interests them. If it is them talking all the time about couples stuff, then there is nothing you can do to change it.
If chat is 50/50, then you have a good shot at sorting it out with them by having an honest but kind conversation.

So is it that they don't want to go out with you, or that they don't want to go out on the pull with you? It does seem weird to me to go out with a single friend so she can score, rather than go out with her to catch up/enjoy a meal/see a film we both want to see. But maybe that's just me.

I too have been there and done that. It’s fucking atrocious behaviour. I was the single one in a group of 8 who were friends in school. We used to be out together every weekend then as they got married and had kids the girls stopped coming out because they wanted to be with their husbands/ had to look after the children and the blokes stopped because their wives didn’t want them to be out with a single woman. Nobody appeared to have time anymore, but they seemed to manage to find it for couples nights out.

I re-evaluated my definintion I’d friendship, found new friends and moved on.

Sorry everyone, I didn't mean for my post to sound quite like it does with regards to 'pulling'.
I'm more than happy to go out for meals etc with my two friends, it'd be an added bonus if I eventually do meet someone but thats not my main aim at all. I just want to have the occasional night out with my friends because I want to spend time with them.
The reason the term 'pulling place' came up is because my friend used that term herself, just because I'd asked if she fancied a night in town.

YANBU

I find that a real shame. I'm due to be married soon and offered a single friend of mine a night out on the town so she can pull! There's nothing wrong with wanting to do that or having a girls night giving you the chance to run into someone!

What do they think, you are so cock hungry you are going to jump on their husbands or something?!

A friend is a friend no matter what their marital status. Or not a friend in their case!

I get you.

My situation is similar but it was my sisters doing it. All 3 are married and had couples nights, and purposely didn’t invite me. One sister said it’s because they didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable but I would have liked the invite so I could decide myself if it was something I’d be comfortable with. Any invites from me for a night out are declined as they’d not want to go to the place I suggested or they’d to save their nights out to go with their husbands . It’s ruined our relationship to the point where I’m not even friends with them on Facebook anymore as I couldn’t bare all the pictures of them having a good time and bonding without me.

(Still happy to come to me when they need favours though )

Thetartofasgard - that's awful.

Barbadosgirl

I'm not sure what they think! I could understand if I was begging them to go out every week so I could try and meet someone, but that's definitely not the case.
You're right about a friend being a friend no matter their marital status.

Thetartofasgard

I'm sorry to hear how you've been left to feel too, especially by your own family. That really must hurt.

Thank you all for comments. I have to nip out and will be back soon.

I absolutely wouldn't drop a friend for being single. However, nor would I be interested in going to "pulling places", or having my main social life excluding my DH.

So yes, I'd be including you, but it would likely be dinner etc in a mixed group of singles and couples. I wouldn't suddenly start going on girls' nights, if I hadn't done that previously.

What did you do with them before you split up with your partner? You can't expect your friends to change their social lives to fit your relationship status. If you would like to continue going out on the dinner dates etc and they're not inviting you, then maybe let them know you wouldn't be uncomfortable as a single in that environment, and they'll probably start including you. I doubt this is done with malice - more that what you want to do with your weekends no longer closely aligns with what they want to do with their weekends.

mrsm43s

Just caught your post before I go out. I have said that my wording was wrong regarding 'pulling places' and pointed out that I'd like to see my friends for meals etc. Meeting someone would just be a bonus.

And I wouldn't go out with my friends with the intention of trying to meet someone. More like if it happens it happens.

You asked what we used to do before I split with my partner.
We used to meet up regularly as couples, dine at each others houses and have weekends away.
We also used to go out in town, just us girls, and have a drink /dance.

That has all stopped.

A previous poster referred to it as being of a different "life stage". I don't agree. That would assume that young people are single and then you grow up and get coupled up for the rest of your life, and that just isn't true anymore. Many of us nowadays will be single, marry, divorce and be single again - rinse and repeat. Smug people who drop you now that they've found who they think is Mr Right will regret it if it all goes belly up.
Friends shouldn't dump each other when a man comes on the scene. Its this sort of behaviour that leads to posters on here moaning about their DH going out with his mates and not having any mates of their own to go out with. Yes, well, that's because so many women dump their friends as soon as a bloke comes along. Men tend to be better at always having the odd lads' night out, and us women need to do the same.

*You asked what we used to do before I split with my partner.
We used to meet up regularly as couples, dine at each others houses and have weekends away.
We also used to go out in town, just us girls, and have a drink /dance.

That has all stopped.*

I honestly doubt they've "dropped you", but they probably think that you wouldn't be comfortable meeting up as a singleton amongst couples, on couples weekends away/couples dinner parties etc, but if you are, why not get the ball rolling and invite them and their partners round to yours for dinner?

Regarding the girls nights out, not sure why they would have stopped, although it does sound as though you are still meeting up on birthdays etc. Again, perhaps suggest a night out at the local bar for a few drinks or something.

I kind of agree and dint agree.

I definitely think.

However, people’s lives do change. I dropped sons of my

I wouldn’t want to go for a “drink and

My mum was treated like this after my dad died. All their friends were supportive to start with, but quite quickly she found that she was being deliberately left out of events etc.
It is definitely a 'thing' and having seen it happening for myself (when I divorced), it is because happily-marrieds don't want you to set your sights on their husband... or their husbands on you.
I can see why, because when I was newly single I got a certain amount of unwanted and uninvited flirtatious attention from several of my friends partners, which they had never done before. I didn't encourage any of it, but my friends noticed all the same and I was ostracised as a result.
To be honest (and what was occasionally worse) was that when they occasionally did invite me, they would also invite a similarly single male friend of theirs. It would be a sort of blind date fit-up.

I find the opposite! I'm married but my single friends all think I won't want to do things they are.
Also we sometimes suggest doing things and all hanging out (most of my friends are also friends with DH as we've been together seen teenagers and met at same time) but they feel like 'gooseberry' which is bizarre imo as it's not like we spend the time making out!

Pressed send too soon!

I think even as an “essentially single person in a non living together relationship” I’ve dropped single friends who I feel I’ve drifted away from.

I’d just outgrown them and find out interactions were getting too intense?

And I’m quite emotionally self contained, so didn’t like feeling I had to meet their needs constantly? (I mean big bad life events I’m fine, but sending “I’m unhappy and lonely and I need you to make me feel better” vibes ALL the fucking time is not something I could cope with)

some people in their 30’s/40’s calm down socially and get quite laid /back focussed on their life goals

. and others seem to stay in that kind of “I’m living in an episode of sex and the City” mode and it just gets too overdramatic?

I’d enjoy socialising with them in a group if it was diluted, but I don’t even have time to catch up with DIY/housework or do all the work training I’d like to do?

So I just had to detach from older friends who were like “well we used to have great nights out, why have you dropped me you bitch?”

I’m really watching the pennies/time now as I’m looking to have a good retirement and spending money on a “drink and a dance” night out or a “let’s chat about my dating disasters” catch up seems my idea of hell.

As I said I’m essentially single in my lifestyle and I find I prefer working on my goals , working out (wasting time on mumsnet if I fancy some chat) to socially suit me fine.

I think it’s just a bit unrealistic as you get older to have that whole “girl posse thing” going on?

People change and you have to accept that, and people often like to socialise with only those in a similar position to them?

Eg I used to work in a big workplace - I now don’t have any contact with anyone there even though I tried!

we just stopped having common emotional ground.

I also think it can be a bit depressing hanging out with “self defined single women” - it becomes a bit of an emotional echo chamber?

Why not take on a challenging hobby that involves a mix of people/genders and just get stuck into that?

Are you sure its because your single? Could it be they just feel like they've grown apart from you? It happens.

You say you used to go out on girls only nights. Are they still doing that without you?