To believe my married friends exclude me because I'm single?

[Onedaymyshipwillcomein]

Two of my friends, whom I've known for around 25 years, have over the last eight years or so stopped inviting me on nights out or day trips/weekends away etc (literally since I split with my ex) and I feel quite excluded.
We haven't had any fall outs whatsoever, but I've noticed that I only ever hear from them when its one of our birthdays, dc's birthdays or Christmas. And the only time I see them now is a quick meet up in the local to their works pub (they work together) during their lunch break. And thats just so we can exchange birthday gifts.

I did used to contact them to try and arrange nights out but I gave up when told that they'd 'hate to go out to all the pulling places nowadays' and are 'glad they don't need to anymore'
Fair enough, they're married and settled, but what about me?
Why can't they once in a while go out with me, like we used to, so that I might have the opportunity to meet someone?
After all, its difficult to meet someone new if you don't go out! I'm not even expecting once a month, I'd be happy with an occasional night out.

It especially hurts when I notice on fb how many times my 'friends' go out with each other, mostly with their dh's and other couples and I'm never invited.
Although, when I was still with my ex we were included in everything. I just feel so upset and pissed off that people who I thought were my friends seem to not give a crap about me anymore and I feel its a case of 'I'm alright Jack'.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has found that their married friends have distanced themselves since they've become single?

Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Itsbetterthanabox, even if you aren't spending time making out, it still feels totally different being out with a couple. I have a friend who has a boyfriend who she insists on bringing along with her all the time. There is so much extra thought needed - she gets huffy if there aren't chairs side by side for her and him, the bill is a faff as they pay together and we all hold back on our conversation because, being frank, who wants to talk girltalk when someone's boyfriend is hanging around??
There is a time and a place for cosy couples meals, and a time and a place for women to hang out with other women and men to have time with other blokes.

Airblon

Stop putting "?" after every sentence

Fiintastic ?

You asked what we used to do before I split with my partner.
We used to meet up regularly as couples, dine at each others houses and have weekends away.
We also used to go out in town, just us girls, and have a drink /dance.

This is the worst part, IMO.

A breakup is exactly when you need your friends to be there for you, to take you out and distract you, not leave you out because having an odd number of chairs around the table would muck up their seating plan.

@harshbuttrue1980
I think it depends on the dynamic and what your husband is like. My dh isn't a blokey bloke in any way and my friends will talk about anything in front of him including sex, periods etc as he is their friend too. They've know him as long as I have.
I only have one friend who is weird about it tbh. I don't get huffy if we can't sit together and don't act coupley. I don't take him everyone it's just sometimes but this one friend is weird about it.
I regularly hang out just me on my own with couples. I don't find it strange they are all my friends.
My DH has no desire to hang with Just men and I do see my female friends on their own too.

blacksax

I hope your mum has gone on to find better friends. How awful to be treated how she was, especially considering your family bereavement

harshbuttrue1980

I agree with you regarding the 'different life stage' comment. We're not at different life stages, my friends and I are very similar ages, all have dc around the same age and all enjoy the same things. The only difference is I'm single.

Airblon

I'm not really sure what you're trying to say, but tbh your post makes it sound as if you think I'm some 'desperate single woman' who probably drives my friends mad banging on about my 'lack of a man problems'.
Far from it. I'm in my 40's (the same as my friends) and I'm quite aware of how people can change etc. The thing is, I haven't changed. I'm still me and still the same person who I was years ago. The only thing that has 'changed' is I'm single now.

Surely that shouldn't be a reason for real friends to keep you at arms length don't you think?

LoveinTokyo

Thank you, you've hit the nail on the head to how I feel.

A pp asked whether my friends still socialise without their dh's. Yes they do occasionally. The only reason I know this is because they plaster things on fb. Days out with their dc, night's out. I'm never included anymore, even when they're on their own. I'm presuming that they may feel I'll expect to see more of them (with their dh's) if I'm 'included' at any point once again. No, I'm relegated to the 'lunch break slot'. That hurts.

Just to point out. My have got to know other couples over the past few years who they also socialise with.

I've no problem with them widening their circle of friends at all. But the way I see it, people shouldn't drop others because they no longer 'fit into the couple dom lifestyle'.

My *friends

If you want to still be friends with them then you need to change your expectations of them having to 'assist' you in finding someone new. It is not their job to find you someone new, or to hand hold you in that setting. It is their job to be a good friend and maybe the pulling places is just a step too far, assuming they are good friends in all other ways?

They clearly have no interest in going to places like that, and may feel too old/tired/past that stage. So why not invite them to your house for girls only dinners/ cinema nights / spa days and enjoy their company. Not every outing needs to have an 'opportunity' to meet someone. Why not simply enjoy their company and have fun?

For dating you need to find some other way.

All of our friends go out together and with and without us all the time. No one cares, we are all adults. If I want to see them I arrange something lovely.

Don't load too much on this friendship as they may care alot for you but have their own lives too.

watchingwithinterest

I have already said that my first post may have been misleading regarding the 'pulling places' and I certainly don't expect my friends to 'assist' me in finding a man!
I also understand that they will go out with each other and others alone. That doesn't bother me at all.
What does bother me, and what I'm trying to get across is the fact that.ever since I've been single they've definitely distanced themselves from me.

I've also pointed out up thread that an occasional night/day out would suit me fine! I've also asked them to go out on day trips etc but they never seem to want to set a definite date.

Op, this isn't actually about you being single is it, it is about your friends that are not really friends at all and are behaving terribly.

They have hooked up together as a cosy twosome, and I am sorry to say that they have decided somewhere along the way that you are surplus to requirements. It may have happened even if you were still married.

Friends like this are fairweather and not worth any effort on your part. I would be looking to drop them for better friends that bring some value and kindness with them.

As far as I can see from the snapshot, this friendship has run its course hun. I wouldn't put up with it if I was you tbh. It is really shitty organising girls days out and not inviting you. That is hurtful. Drop them and see what happens, if nothing happens you have your answer and erase from all SM.

Life is too short for shitty friends

were you

Perhaps they aren't trying to exclude you but to not make you feel like the fifth wheel with two couples on a night out?

Just have a chat with them, if they are real friends then they'll understand.

If you're happily single that can cause problems with married couples, either because it can be seen as a rejection of their life or because it can impact on a couple in difficulty if one of them thinks it could encourage the other to leave. It's not always the assumption that you will be after the husband.

As mentioned upthread, this happens to widows, too. I've been dropped by all the people I knew through my late DH here in Australia. Those we knew together invite me with other unmarried women.

My UK friends are staunch, though a gazillion miles away.

All the widows I know affirm this is a thing.

I think your first post was badly worded OP (meant kindly) because it implied you wanted your friends to go out to clubs or bars with you where you might meet someone. From your later posts it’s clear this isn’t the case and they’ve dropped you from meeting for dinners at home, going out as just women, or meeting as families with the DC. If that’s the case it’s horrid. Were they supportive through your break up?

You sound a decent person. Go out and make other friends - through your dc, your interests, where you live. That doesn’t stop the hurt of how you’ve been treated but may help you get over it and build new groups of people you can rely on. Let them go even though it hurts as they were good friends

Please can the excuse makers stop. This is real and as a single parent you are superficially part of the crowd but not properly.

Single parents are the social pariahs in couple dom family life. Coffee during the day is fine but I have never been invited round to anyones house for a meal and I am well aware that my circle of mums do it 3-4 times per year - never been invited.
Another group did invite me but once the "single " status was known - it all stopped.

I wasn't trying to make excuses but tbh I'd feel awkward inviting a single friend on a couples night out.

They should invite and do other things just the girls though.

Open and honest chat is all I can recommend. Any friend worth their salt will listen and understand and alter their behaviour accordingly.

This is such a thing. I'm married but DH and I weren't really a couple couple. We had loads of single and married friends and went out separately. Divorced and widowed people told me this happened but I was always incredulous because it made no difference to me- it meant I had more non coupley people to go out with.
DH are now basically separated but still living together. We're happy and civilised about the arrangement but I have def become persona non grata with some couples. People I have known for 30 years. It's weird. Their loss. It's very sad OP but you'll meet better people.

takeittakeit

I agree with all you say. And also, I actually feel that the fact that I'm a single parent (and not just a single woman) has probably been the 'cherry on the cake' for being excluded by people I thought were my friends.
By this I mean, and this is only my opinion, but I really do think that some people view single mothers as women who are probably 'desperate' to find a man, any man.

And maybe this is another reason I could've been excluded. Maybe my 'friends' , and I use that term loosely now, are convinced that I'll try and grab their men because I must be so desperate. Not a chance.

Yes I experienced this as well. I used to organise trips out or parties at my house. When I was in a couple the husbands used to come as well as my friends and their kids. As soon as I separated the husbands did not come at all and less of the wives came.

Then some of the wives started to only bring one child not the other with lame excuses as to why they did this but the final straw was that some started to drop their kids off and run.

They actually started to see me as a sodding babysitter to foist their kids off onto while they got a break or went home to "crack on with jobs" The last meet up in a woodland park 3 parents did this.

I no longer organise get togethers.

It totally happens, and it’s shit.

DH and I split up for a few months and I was dropped like a hot potato by certain “friends”.

I (and my kids) weren’t invited to an annual event that we’d gone too - often without DH as he works away a lot - for more than 10 years. it wasn’t even a choice/awkward thing as DH was abroad.

For 10 years I was involved in a specific part of the event (sorting all the games for the kids) and they hired an entertainer for the first time.

DH and I got back together and the event is coming up. I got an email last week asking if I fancied organising the kids games again this year 😂

I feel very fortunate that I have brilliant friends who include me in lots of things even though I’m single. It’s not you OP, it’s them. It shouldn’t be this way. It’s upsetting to have to do this but I think you will have to widen your circle of friends

Thanks for everyone's comments, and I realise that people suddenly being excluded when they become single again seems to be quite quite common theme.

I guess you really do eventually work out who your real friends are!