To be feeling so jealous!

[StylishMummy]

I had both DC very premature and months and weeks of NICU etc, Dsis has gone in today to have DC2 via planned CS and I'm on pins, I can't concentrate on anything and I'm twitchy. I really really want it all to go smoothly but I'm absolutely pea green with envy that she'll be able to hold her DC immediately and have skin to skin and breast feed etc. I'm also really really worried that they'll use the name we wanted for our next DC, which I know is on their shortlist.

My own deliveries were hell, epidural wearing off mid c-section type hell, I'm on the waiting list for CBT and birth trauma counselling. I have been diagnosed with PTSD & PND. I'm in a bit of a mental free fall today, with DD2 at home with me but no one to talk to.

I know I'm being completely irrational, I love my extended family and we get on brilliantly, but I'm not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling. Has anyone been here? Seriously tempted to sink 2x bottles of wine to forget it all

Tentative bump

Haven't been there but it must be hard. The wine won't help I don't think, imagine a hangover in this weather! Can you go out for the day to take your mind off things? One of the techniques I am going through is to allocate a specific amount of time to (in my case) worry. Give yourself 10 minutes to wallow in jealousy and then try to put it out of your mind until the same time tomorrow.

I can't seem to snap out of it - I dearly want them both to be happy and healthy and I feel like a selfish bitch for thinking about myself today

YANBU. I think it's totally natural to both want the best for your sister but feel sad you couldn't have had it for yourself too! I think the therapy is a good idea, what you went through sounds traumatising. It's totally natural for the feelings to come to the surface now especially while your sister is having the experience you would have loved.

You just need to snap out of it your SIL birth and yours aren’t a competition , what has happened has happened and negative emotions don’t help anyone they just eat away at you .

Sorry sister , she could just as easily have a traumatic time or an ill newborn and you’d never wish that on someone .

I think I your feelings are perfectly natural op. You can feel that way and still be happy for your sister. It was shit for you and unfair. You are allowed to feel that. Don’t feel bad.

@ichifanny maybe I've not explained myself very well, I will smile and cheer and congratulate them all and mean it. My sadness is for my own trauma and the fact I'll never have a birth where my baby isn't whipped away from me silently to be ventilated and placed in a plastic box. My DSis will have the opposite and I'm jealous. I will absolutely not show this to anyone other than DH. Just thought some strangers on the internet may be able to provide a bit of an outlet for my feelings

What's important is the baby comes into the world safe and sound. Concentrate on that op.

Nowhere near as bad as your experience but I had complications after both my dc births that meant the early days / months were not as I imagined. I obsessed for a while about a 3rd where I would get my perfect experience and early days bonding. Dh wouldn't (rightly so) even contemplate it and although I have moved on I get the weird jealousy thing with anyone who has a 3rd so I understand where you are coming from.

I am not sure if there is much you can do other than accept your feelings about it are complex and keep it to yourself. Cpncentrate on the bit of you that is happy for your sister and fake it till you make it as such for the other part. Honestly as your dc grow you will care less and your sister will have her own trials as that's just life.

and for you today. I hope all goes well for you and your sister.

for you. My DS was born prematurely last year and we had a month in NICU, I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and can appreciate what you are feeling. I get jealous of other people's experiences too sometimes but I try to remember that everybody is fighting their own battles and what I see from the outside isn't necessarily a true reflection of their experience. I think it's natural to mourn the loss of a 'normal' delivery and it can take a long time to recover from which is probably impacting on your feelings right now. Can you take DD out for the day to take your mind off of it?

I think it's quite a human reaction, but it's horrible to be experiencing it :(

I had quite a traumatic experience with my oldest post birth & remember feeling envious (jealous really) of anyone who was giving birth after me & not experiencing it, or people with babies about the same age not experiencing it.

No advice I'm afraid, just please don't beat yourself up about how you feel. I hope your sister gets on well today.

YANBU
I have been very lucky to have 3 healthy and wonderful children, and also unlucky to have a stillborn baby at 20 weeks, but I just feel a very strange jealousy of anyone having any baby anywhere!!! I loved my baby times and I just feel green that they are getting to have such a lovely time- pathetic I know!!
(Also my DSis was due Monday, no baby yet, we should stick them in a baby group together )

Definitely not wrong to be sad about your own trauma , it’s shite the same happened to me and I get a twang of annoyance at people home birthing and having easy deliveries but just try give it it’s moment and then shake it off and move forward , everyone has different birth stories and her having a good one doesn’t take away from anything that happened to you .

It's totally understandable that this would trigger strong feelings related to your own difficult deliveries and the worry you had with your own DC. Sounds like you had a very rough ride and you need some time and an understanding ear to help process it all.

It's natural to be envious, I had a rough pregnancy and feel more than a little pang of envy for people who just seem to breeze through it. It's a horrible feeling.

I have found that it's helpful to acknowledge those feelings and be kind to yourself. Is there someone you can chat to to share the mental load? Is there something you could do to lift your mood and take your mind off things? Give yourself lots of care and treats; today of all days, you need to do something for you.

It's not going to be an easy day but you will get through it and come out the other side

It's completely understandable OP, having someone close to you going through a birth will have brought everything back and triggered lots of memories and emotions. I think a lot of people would feel the same even if they don't say it. I hope the CBT etc helps. Maybe the name thing is a bit of a red herring and getting caught up in all the other feelings as it's the kind of thing that feels like a big deal at the time but is forgotten about pretty quickly either way

I understand what you mean and I think you've had a couple of insensitive replies. Of course the baby being safe and well is the most important thing but society likes to build up birth as being a wonderful experience and it can be a very difficult thing to come to terms with if things don't go as planned. You can be grateful that your child is safe and well potentially after a long stay in nicu and still feel cheated of the experience that you see everybody else having and that you know you will never have.

My twins were born prematurely and I almost lost them. They spent 7 weeks in hospital and breastfeeding failed despite my very best efforts. Lots of friends and family were different than they would have been if the twins had been born at term and come straight home. People's noses were put out of joint by the fact they weren't allowed to come and visit because there were restrictions on who was allowed to go into the unit for example. I will never have that time again and I doubt that I will ever be able to afford to have another baby. It's ok to be jealous of other people who haven't been traumatised the way you have. I haven't had the situation yet where I've had to visit a friend at home with a new baby but I know when it does happen it's going to be incredibly difficult for me.
for you op. I get it. Its a unique experience and i know that people who haven't been there will say things like just be grateful your baby is healthy. They just don't get it.

to you OP. Your experiences sound awful, and I think it's completely understandable that this is bringing all the memories back. Not sure the wine would put you in a good place to cope when you get the inevitable texts or phone calls, but it sounds like a definite tea and cake day.

Best of luck to you and your family.

I get you OP.

I always have a horrible (irrational) feeling when I hear about new little baby girls being born. There have been 2 in my family recently.

My DD spent 15 days in neonatal and was then diagnosed with a rare genetic condition that is going to affect us all (she has global development delay at the moment but things will get harder as she gets older as more issues will come in to play)

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, least not people I love but I can't help having that feeling of "why didn't we get to have that?" when a new baby girl arrives.

I'm actually going to go to the GP and ask for some counselling as I realise these feelings (plus some other issues - I hear ya about the wine!!) aren't good for me.

Sorry just to clarify I get upset when baby's are born in the family or to close friends. Not just random baby's!!

Let's hope her birth goes well as that is what you want for her, despite your jealousy which you mention here.

As for the name, you'll just have to suck it up if they choose the one which you also like. To use the phrase "I'm really worried" about this suggests that you allow yourself to get really very stressed about stuff that is entirely out of your control and not that serious anyway. Try to relax at bit. Alcohol definitely won't help.

I think it’s grief rather than jealousy, and I don’t think you should feel guilty about it because it’s you grieving for the time you missed with your beautiful babies, and your sister is just the catalyst for feeling it now. I completely understand the feeling - I had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy and then was very anxious in my second. I am “jealous” of people who just seem oblivious to everything that can go wrong and as soon as they get a positive test announce it to the world and start shopping for baby clothes. And I realise that I am just sad that I missed out on that, and it’s ok to be sad about things.

It will be a tough day for sure because it will make you revisit terrifying and painful memories...but that’s why, not because you are a bad person. And....at the end of it you will have a new nephew or niece to get to know.

Be kind to yourself, sounds like you are doing a great job under really difficult circumstances

What are the reasons you are fixated on not having a 'normal' birth? Please don't think all births are like the one's on telly. By the time I'd given birth I was knackered and just wanted to sleep.

Try to think of the future and not the past - your children will grow so quickly before you know it they are going off to uni. The giving birth part seems so long ago now, and there are new things to be sad about.

Enjoy your beautiful children.

I totally understand how you feel.
Life isn't fair, you had a terrible experience and you are still processing it.
Of course you are happy for SIL but it is okay to yearn for the experience you didn't get.
But, I bet your children are healthy and happy. Be kind to yourself, you have all the future to look forward to. The past is, well, in the past.

Oh love, it's not selfishness causing you to think about yourself today - it's a textbook trigger for the trauma you had.
I'm sorry you're still waiting for the help to process what happened, look forwards to after that point when things are clearer.
Also - I think most of us relive our own experience of childbirth when someone close to us is going through it, that's natural. Focus on the now today if you can. Look at your children now, with you, and wonderful