To be feeling so jealous!

[StylishMummy]

I had both DC very premature and months and weeks of NICU etc, Dsis has gone in today to have DC2 via planned CS and I'm on pins, I can't concentrate on anything and I'm twitchy. I really really want it all to go smoothly but I'm absolutely pea green with envy that she'll be able to hold her DC immediately and have skin to skin and breast feed etc. I'm also really really worried that they'll use the name we wanted for our next DC, which I know is on their shortlist.

My own deliveries were hell, epidural wearing off mid c-section type hell, I'm on the waiting list for CBT and birth trauma counselling. I have been diagnosed with PTSD & PND. I'm in a bit of a mental free fall today, with DD2 at home with me but no one to talk to.

I know I'm being completely irrational, I love my extended family and we get on brilliantly, but I'm not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling. Has anyone been here? Seriously tempted to sink 2x bottles of wine to forget it all

YABU about the name but YANBU about your feelings around your own births compared to how your sister's will hopefully be. I feel a bit envious when people go early with their babies, not prem early just a few days before their due date, because I went over with both of mine and those last weeks were horrible. It's completely irrational but I can't help it! Be kind to yourself today and maybe do something nice with your daughter x

It sounds like you really need some support to help you come to terms with the trauma of your childbirth experiences. You mention visiting your GP, can s/he refer you to a counsellor? Tbh when you are feeling fragile MN may not be the best place to seek support, there are some truly horrible people here as well as the lovely people why try to help and it's pot luck what you get! Best of luck, and I hope your Dsis' baby is born healthy.

Can I give you a big gentle hug.
I get it.
You know logically there's nothing you can or could do about your birth experience, it is SO out of your control.
But you long for and want what you see as " normal" .
It's the depressed bit in your head saying this. Its not you.

I mourned for the birth I didnt have when my first was emergency section then rushed to SCBU.

But the I had VBAC but had stitches and was exhausted so DH was first to hold and see to the baby.
Next was another emergency section, again DH held and looked after DC as I was given tansfusion etc.

My 4 th baby was a planned c section. All was calm. Then the wee so and so inhaled before they brought him out. More suction, revival and SCBU.

Each time I thought this isnt like the movies. This isnt what I expected. Why me?

It took time to realse I could have done nothing to change what happened, even cut off a stupid friend woman who commented that I had " the easy option" for baby no 3

Please be gentle on yourself.