To be feeling so jealous!

[StylishMummy]

I had both DC very premature and months and weeks of NICU etc, Dsis has gone in today to have DC2 via planned CS and I'm on pins, I can't concentrate on anything and I'm twitchy. I really really want it all to go smoothly but I'm absolutely pea green with envy that she'll be able to hold her DC immediately and have skin to skin and breast feed etc. I'm also really really worried that they'll use the name we wanted for our next DC, which I know is on their shortlist.

My own deliveries were hell, epidural wearing off mid c-section type hell, I'm on the waiting list for CBT and birth trauma counselling. I have been diagnosed with PTSD & PND. I'm in a bit of a mental free fall today, with DD2 at home with me but no one to talk to.

I know I'm being completely irrational, I love my extended family and we get on brilliantly, but I'm not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling. Has anyone been here? Seriously tempted to sink 2x bottles of wine to forget it all

Bless you, you are allowed to feel how you feel! It's normal. But, to help you get through the day why don't you get making something for the new baby? Or for baby's mum? Even something as silly as a baby feeding pillow. Just something to take your mind off what's going on for an hour or two. Or failing that, go get some plants and get busy in the garden. X

epidural wearing off mid c-section type hell

I had 2 CSs with a general anaesthetic, and with the first one I woke up as my stomach was being swabbed down for the incision. 😲 Nightmare. The anaesthetist came to discuss it with me afterwards, and explained that anaesthetic has to be kept very light until the baby is removed, in case it depresses the baby's breathing. Somehow that allowed me to come to terms with what had happened, it settled it in my mind that Yes, it was a horrific experience, but necessary. I've read since that tens of thousands of women wake up like I did, during the operation.

Find a way to deal with it, if you possibly can. It makes things worse if you think you're the only person in the world it's happened to, realising that wasn't true helped me.

Telling someone who's had a traumatic birth experience and feeling a bit jealous of someone who hopefully won't have the same to 'snap out of it'??? Lovely!

I don't think the OP is wishing anything but a good experience for her sister and there's nothing wrong with her feeling a bit envious that her sister will hopefully get to hold her child right away.

My biggest concern with my delivery was that something would go wrong and I wouldn't get to hold our daughter right away.

I understand, my son spent 106 days in nicu, and for an extremely long time I was jealous of new mums, mums with huge bumps etc. I think it’s only natural. My sister had a baby four years after me so I had a long time to process it and she was very aware that I may be upset that I never got the same experience, however as soon as I walked in the room and saw my sister and that baby I burst into tears of love and joy, I was so proud. Hopefully it’s the same, the feelings may disappear when you see your niece or nephew and you’ll be relieved they are happy and healthy.

Therapy is definitely a good idea. You need to process what you went through.
I had a traumatic birth with ds2, he was in special care, I nearly died, dh was traumatised. But I look at my wonderful ds2 and am so thankful that he’s fine and I’m fine.
I spoke at length to few close friends about what happened and that was enough for me.
We re all different though and you need to do what you need to do to help you come to terms with what happened.
Don’t drink as I doubt that will help. Go out and do something nice. Go for a walk. Do some nice cooking/ baking for yourself and sil. Buy a small meaningful gift or do something that means something to you to validate your feelings and help you to take another step on.

WTH?? YABVU!

She is your sister and you are wishing bad things upon her. Shame up on you.

And shame up on the other posters agreeing. Seriously WTAF.

I had a bad birth experience too OP and I understand. My sister had her two before me, and they were both entirely natural home births in water - I think this gave me a very unrealistic standard in my mind as to what to expect. And yes I am still gutted DD and I didn't have that kind of start, however happy I am my sister and her kids did. And I still struggle when I hear about other people's quick, straightforward vaginal births, for all I am happy for them it just sets off all the whys and what ifs and if onlys from my own endless failed induction, back labour, failure to progress and badly managed c-section. It hurts. It matters. It's ok to give yourself room for those feelings and be kind to yourself today xx

oh hush marta, no-one is wishing bad things on anyone. There is a difference between jealousy and ill will.

*martapolska2

She is your sister and you are wishing bad things upon her. Shame up on you.

She's not wishing bad things on her. She's feeling sad that her births went so wrong. If you can't help, don't bash.

Can you quote where she's wishing that upon her sister? I can't seem to find it.

@martapolska2 you have misread the op. She specifically says that she is very happy for her sister, and wishes her and her new niece/nephew nothing but good things.

She is feeling sad about her own experiences and that she won’t get to experience a lovely calm birth where everyone is well.

As you can see, many people have experienced the same sorts of feelings (myself included, I felt quite tight in the chest when I read the op). So it’s all very human and forgiveable don’t you think?

Your'e not the only one with the epidural wearing out mid c-sections. Because of my medical conditions I had to have a low dose and pretty much felt everything. Only have one child. Strange that. Maybe have one . You deserve it.

@martapolska2 read the Op properly

I think someone earlier is right when they said it's probably grief you're feeling not jealousy.

You are entitled to feel however you like, particularly as you are quite prepared to put a brave face on things.

Some people say very unempathetic things - just ignore them.

My DS was born at 26 weeks and 980gr and was in hosital for 3 months. The differnec eis that I'm not his birth but his adoptive mohter and I didn't meet him until he was 11 months. It still pulls at my heartstrings that he was alone for those formative 11 months with no-one on his side. An acquaintane of mine's comment was "aren;t you lucky you mimssed out all the difficult stuff like breast feeding and sleepless nights"!

Yes, becasue thats what I want for my son - hardship as long as it's easier for me!

These things do take on a certain perspective as time goes on but it wouldn;t be any bad thing to talk to someone in RL about how you feel to help you deal with it.

OP you are NOT being a bad person.

I am so sorry your own deliveries were so traumatic. OF COURSE you are going to be thinking of them today and feeling sad and angry at how they were for you and your babies and wishing it could have been different!

Be kind to yourself. Sounds like you went through a lot. if you need to vent to your DH today do so!

Despite you calling it jealousy, this is a totally separate set of feelings to those you'll have for your sis and her baby. I hope it does go to plan for her.

And fingers crossed on the name!

I wanted 2 children, I got one and a few heartbreaking m/cs. I wanted a natural birth, I got a CS under GA. I wanted to breastfeed but found I couldn't.

Whenever I hear or read about one of my younger friends getting pregnant and delivering naturally like they're shelling peas I get a twang and have a bit of a cry (in private of course, I'd never let them know I felt that way).

I've realised it's perfectly ok and possible to be happy for someone but sad for yourself at the same time. Do whatever you need to do to lift yourself back up OP.

I totally get you OP. I had the same with my 2 sons - both born early, emergencies, weeks in NICU, both times I wasn't able to hold, skin-to-skin, breastfeed etc. straight away. At the time you just go into survival mode and do what you're told and don't think about it. It's only afterwards, especially when you see others having a relatively 'normal' (for want of a better word) experience that you realise what you missed out on. I'm lucky - with my third I received a huge amount of monitoring and attention during pregnancy that I hadn't had with the first two. She was still born early but managed to stay put until 38 weeks which meant no NICU - yay! After the C-section they laid her on my chest while in recovery and I didn't let go of her for 5 hours - we were in our own precious special bubble and I will NEVER forget those wonderful moments that I thought I'd never get to experience. My heart goes out to you.

@martapolska2 thank you for coming to your own conclusion but you're so far off the mark it's almost funny. I adore my Dsis and would hate to have any harm to her or my niece/nephew!

To all those fellow NICU mums survival mode is exactly what you have to do. Thank you to all of you who understand and take the time to reply

It's not specifically the birth (although I'd have loved a natural delivery) it's the immediate bonding afterwards. Knowing your baby is yours and you can hold them and feed them, I had to wait weeks for this with both of mine and it HURTS.

The name thing is tied up with the fact it's so dangerous for me to have other pregnancies, so it's like that name belongs to a ghost child I'll never get to have.

Been trying to convince DH we need a cat, someone I can talk to and cry with without feeling guilty. We'll see how that goes.

I haven't hit the bottle, but will have a glass when DH gets home. Ive been and bought a tonne of chocolate and crisps and I'm allowing myself to wallow. I see my GP Friday so I'm going to ask to increase my Sertraline.

I'm sorry to hear the sound you are feeling this way. I understand a little why you feel like this, my DS' birth, while no where near what you have been through, thanks to a forceps delivery, third degree tear and severe pph I didn't hold him for about 2/3 hours and then the first 12-18 hours of his life I barely remember and the bits I do remember I was just sobbing over the pain and about what had happened.

He was absolutely fine in all of this and I had fantastic help from my DH and DM in hospital and the midwives were great but I basically feel cheated I never had that first hold, skin on skin, time with him and DH (who was traumatised by what he saw in theatre). I struggled to watch tv/films where mum's were handed their babies straight away, we have no photos from when he was first born.

We had a birth de-brief which was tremendously helpful and even though DS is two now, a friends recent awful delivery made me very tearful, so I'm definitely not emotionally 'over it'. This is all coupled with the guilt of not breastfeeding as I was so unwell after the birth.

Again, I am very fortunate that I had a full term, healthy baby, so I focus on that.

I agree with some pp that it's not jealousy I feel but I am sort of grieving family for what I didn't have.

I get it OP. And I'm sorry.

I know you can't help it and I know that your feelings are in no way a reflection on your joy and happiness for your sister and your excitement at being an Auntie.

Be kind to yourself.

I think the current situation very likely to bring those feelings to the surface. You don't want it to go badly for her, its just reminded you that you have had a traumatic journey to get your DCs. It isn't fair that some get it easy and some don't.

Find another distraction instead of wine and be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. This is such a lovely supportive thread - we’ve all had those emotions. I’ve had them myself, but health-related rather than birth. I’ve had them over loss - I cried in John Lewis cafe seeing woman buy her father a cup of tea and a cake, because my dad had the audacity to die so I’ll never be able to buy him tea and cake. In that moment I was so jealous of her. But the previous poster was right, and I do recognise that as grief. Sadness for myself and the way things turned out, not Ill-will towards another who has something I miss (and probably misses things I myself have!).

Be kind to yourself, and do seek out the support you mentioned earlier. We’ve all been there.

Hi Stylish, I totally get this. I am in your sisters position and got the normal pregnancy and labour after my sis had a horrendous time with months of NICU. I am expecting again and crossing my fingers that it all goes smoothly but I know that this one will be even harder for her as she didn't get a chance to have a second. It is totally OK to feel like you do, it doesn't make you a bad person and your sis will understand it too. Be kind to yourself.

I still occasionally feel jealous that my DSis has 2 bio children and I don't have any. (I have 2 adopted DDs.) On the other hand, she nearly died of pre-Enclampsia when her DD was born. She also had gestational diabetics with both pregnancies. (She gave birth to a DS.) She wanted another DC so she and her DH have now have an adopted little boy of nearly 3.

She's been through a lot of trauma in having her 2 birth DC, so I have no business feeling jealous, I know that. But emotions are not something we can help.

So YANBU to feel sad, and as you're not saying anything about it to your DSis, you really should cut yourself some slack.

My nephews baby was born very prem (25 weeks) and was flown to a different hospital. The mother had Hellp syndrom so couldn't travel and didn't see her child for the first two weeks, only had a photo (was before smartphones etc). It was hard for her but he really nearly died so she hold on to the fact that he got to live.

I think that you have to let it go. Comparing won't help. Maybe you need to talk about it with someone, it sounds like you had a terrible time.