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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another childcare option

78 replies

AllCleverAndThat · 26/06/2018 21:02

My dd is 14 and we live in a university town.

How does this sound:
We ask a student (probably postgrad for maturity) to stay at our house so dd isn’t alone when we go out a couple of times a week. Cereal plus dinner included but no visitors and no using the living room. No rent.

Just thinking of ideas. Is this U?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 26/06/2018 23:01

This is so odd. You want someone to come and live in your house so you can go out a few nights during the week? Weird. I'm sure your DD enjoys having the place to herself!

Pikehau · 26/06/2018 23:11

This is just odd.

  1. 14 can be left for a few hours
  2. is there another reason not be alone - as in companionship? Well a mature student won’t fill that void
  3. if I was said mature student - you would like me to stay in your spare room with a tv and away from your living room but also prioritise your D.C. care on 2 nights? No thanks!
  4. why not go out one night and pay a babysitter rather than 2 if £ is the issue
Osirus · 26/06/2018 23:17

I was breaking in horses and babysitting at 14. Please, for the love of god, do not get your 14 year old daughter a babysitter. How humiliating for her.

Weedsnseeds1 · 27/06/2018 04:02

How does the student keep your child company if they are confined to their room and the child ( presumably) has full run of the house?
Are you expecting them to keep your child in their bedroom watching the TV?
Is the child also banned from the living room when you are out?

KitchenFloor · 27/06/2018 04:09

Does 14yo want someone in the house?

Graphista · 27/06/2018 04:18

What are you really thinking dd is going to be getting up to that you feel the need to monitor her so closely?

At 14 most teens are BEING the babysitter, not being babysat!

Assuming no Sen why do you think they can't be left alone? In addition most teens LOVE having the house to themselves occasionally.

As a parent your job is to prepare them for independence as well as protecting them. Finding the balance between the 2 is the trick.

Never leaving a child alone until they're 18 is not achieving this. Honestly I must've said it on soooo many threads now but honestly when I went uni as a mature student myself, the ones LEAST able to cope, MOST likely to 'go off the rails' were the ones that were completely unprepared for their newfound independence.

Sprinklesplease · 27/06/2018 04:36

I was babysitting at 14, pre mobile phones. You don’t need someone to watch her unless she’s proved she can’t be trusted (and I don’t think you’re saying that’s the case).

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/06/2018 04:41

Not being alone until 18 is ...unusual. Having read some of your other threads I think your dd would jump at the chance of a bit of Liberty. And I doubt you'd get an adult to comply with your rules-even for free lodging.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 04:41

Don’t get back after midnight. Have her ask a friend over and plan to return for no later than 11. Another time she can sleep over at a friends house and this will give you more time.

My parents went abroad for a week when I was 14. My brother was 16 and I was the responsible one. It would have gone much better had I been left alone for the entire week. I would have loved that but not with him. He had a party and I had to be very persuasive not to be raped by one of the people, who descended on my brothers out of control house party - dickhead.

icklekid · 27/06/2018 04:41

It might be worth thinking about when you might feel comfortable leaving her? You say you weren't left until 18... would you leave her at 16 or 17? If extended family are there then that makes sense but that's not your living arrangements so different situation.

I agree with other posters- start with short eve out and build up to longer. It will help you both build up trust and know it is successful. But also if you are uncomfortable just go out 1 a week rather than 2 and use the money saved to cover babysitter? Do you have neighbours who your dd could go to in the event of a problem?

Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:03

craxmum - how did you find your person?

I’ve not thought this through well.

  • After 6 when I’m home I’d like to use the living room alone. She can use it when I’m not in.

I suppose I feel bad she is an only and often feels lonely. I grew up in a house with 2 siblings and a grandma. Never alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:05

Also, she doesn’t have any friends yet :-(

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 27/06/2018 07:07

No friends?? What the hell? I’d be signing her up to some clubs at school or locally to help this. Is it because she’s always with you? Don’t you encourage her to speak to people at school?

icelollycraving · 27/06/2018 07:14

Have you just moved into a new area? Why doesn’t she have friends? Getting her a babysitter who isn’t much older is not going to help her.

SilverySurfer · 27/06/2018 07:15

I agree with everyone else, 14 is plenty old enough to be left alone. Plus I imagine there aren't many celibate university students, how will you feel about their bf/gf staying overnight in your house?

Ginger1982 · 27/06/2018 07:33

You don't let your daughter use the living room when you are home??

Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:36

We are moving to a new area.
Right now she has friends, takes the bus to her club and waits for us at home alone till 6-7.

I feel this will be too much in a new city.

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 07:39

You don't have the money for a babysitter you don't need but you have money to go out two nights a week? YABU. Your proposal is bizarre, too, cereal only, no visitors and no using the living room?

adaline · 27/06/2018 07:41

Hang on, what? You want to ban her from the living room of her own home at 6pm every night?

Come on Hmm

Mayra1367 · 27/06/2018 07:41

Presume this is a wind up based on the other thread about the 14 year old and the au pair 🤣🤣

adaline · 27/06/2018 07:43

And if it makes you feel better I was left alone during the holidays from 12.5 and I managed just fine. I used the oven, cooked meals, went out and locked up after myself, met friends in town, went to the park or local pool. The only caveat was I had to tell my mum if I was going out and when I got back.

I don't understand why you'd ban your own child from the living room though. Do you not actually want to spend time with her after work? Hear about her day or watch TV or a film together?

How sad.

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 07:44

I feel this will be too much in a new city.

Then don't go out until she makes some friends. I was babysitting by 14 and getting home from school on my own and making dinner 3x/week.

icelollycraving · 27/06/2018 08:19

Well, maybe don’t go out in the evenings until she has made friends and got a social circle herself.
If you can’t afford a babysitter, don’t go out. Saying that, I too was babysitting at that age. A few times for the family over the road, he was the same age but with younger siblings and his mum thought I was more sensible.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 27/06/2018 09:28

Depends what the cereal is.
Generic cornflakes - no.
But I'd do this for Cocopops

PinguForPresident · 27/06/2018 10:06

Oh good lord! At 14 I was babysitting for a family with 4 kids, 2 of which were babies/toddlers. Admittedly that was back in the 80s when people were a bit more laid back.

The 14 year olds I know these dayslargely look after themselves - wander round town alone, babysit younger sibings etc and are HORRIFIED if anyone sugets they need any level of looking after.

It's FINE to leave your daughter alone for the odd night. Quite fine. Seriously.