To have a hen do if only family are attending wedding

[princessdaffodil]

Thats it really, me and my dp only wanted a small wedding with close family mainly because we want to get married as soon as possible but we cant afford a big do and we dont want fuss. We are getting married abroad next year.

My sister will be maid of honour and she has just brought up the hen do? AIBU to have a hen do if most of the people attending would not be invited to the wedding??

I’d be happy to go to a hen but no wedding, as long as it wasn’t long/distant/extortionate.

I probably wouldn't - doesn't seem right if those people wouldn't be invited. Perhaps just a nice small and simple bridal shower. Needs to be very low key and low cost though.

If you want to go for it! I bet you'll have a great time.

Sure, if you want to go ahead!

Maybe change the name and call it a "Wedding Send Off" or whatever rather than Hen do, then there is nothing strange about it.

Lots of people have destination weddings then a party at home afterwards, it's no big deal.

It’s a bit rude, isn’t it? I’m not inviting you to my wedding, but I am expecting you to turn up and pay for my drinks on a night out....

As long as it was a local get together - I don't see why not - if it's going to cost mega bucks over multiple nights, or abroad, no way.

we dont want fuss

But you want a hen do? Seems a bit contradictory to me.

Depends on the scale of it. If it’s big flashy involving people spending loads would say no a quite get together locally fine

I think it's rude and very poor form to invite people to the hen do but not the wedding.

Could you compromise and have a girls get together instead? Or invite them to a wedding celebration meal in the UK (paid for by you) since the wedding is family only?

I think it would look really odd to say you can't afford to invite them to the wedding but can afford a hen do and family wedding abroad.

You can’t really invite people on a hen that aren’t invited to the wedding. That’s pretty CF territory.

No I wouldnt.

I don’t like being invited to attend a hen if I’m not invited to a wedding but given that it’s a small family only wedding, if it’s a local night out go for it. I would go if you were a good friend, but don’t be offended if a few people aren’t that keen to turn out for a pre wedding event for a bride who has chosen to have a small event which doesn’t include them.

I think this is fine if it's just a night out sort of hen do with no additional costs for people other than their drinks (and getting there if they aren't local to you, should they choose to come). Not if you mean any sort of trip/overnight stay/paid activity.

And you need to make sure everyone is aware the wedding is family only as it wouldn't be unreasonable of them to expect a wedding invite after a hen invite.

Ah I don’t think it’s rude at all. It maybe would be if you were inviting some friends not others to the wedding but it’s a blanket ban on all friends so it’s not pick and choose.

I do think it has to be something local and fairly cheap though. A nice afternoon tea or a night in the local town.

I think it is rude and I wouldn’t attend. You said you don’t want a fuss but you obviously do because you want a hen party.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I didnt actually want a hen do as I did say I didnt want any fuss but its my sister who is pushing it. She thinks that my friends and extended family who are not invited would want to do something to celebrate?

Just to mention we are going to have a party in our house when we get back and invite friends and family to that.

I would think it a bit odd if I received an invite to a hen do, but not the wedding.

She thinks that my friends and extended family who are not invited would want to do something to celebrate?

I don’t mean this rudely, but if they want to celebrate your wedding they want to celebrate it AT the wedding. No one feels disappointed at not celebrating a wedding they aren’t invited to.

*not having a separate do to celebrate a wedding they’re not invited to

No I think it’s really rude to have a hen party when you aren’t inviting people to the wedding. Just tell your sister that, it’s not her decision. You wouldn’t let her talk you into having a big wedding with all your friends would you?

My sister married abroad, no guests at all. She had a surprise hen, local (to her) and her friends appeared to be happy to attend/pay their way.

unless the idea is you take them out and pay for them, it's mad.

you're having a party after, just that is fine.

no one is going to say "oh I'm so upset you didn't have a hen do". If your sister is so keen to organise a party she can do that but don't ask people to pay.

Oh I'd be happy to do this for a friend , i would maybe do something like an afternoon tea and pay for the initial drink

Or just say You'll be in xxx pub on a certain day if anyone wants to come for a drink

Needn't be a big thing

if they want to celebrate your wedding they want to celebrate it AT the wedding. No one feels disappointed at not celebrating a wedding they aren’t invited to

Agreed.

It'd be very rude to have a hen do but not invite the people to the actual wedding.

No I wouldn't

Just explain to your sister why

Unless you/her want to completely host and pay for it as a treat for your friends