To have a hen do if only family are attending wedding

[princessdaffodil]

Thats it really, me and my dp only wanted a small wedding with close family mainly because we want to get married as soon as possible but we cant afford a big do and we dont want fuss. We are getting married abroad next year.

My sister will be maid of honour and she has just brought up the hen do? AIBU to have a hen do if most of the people attending would not be invited to the wedding??

I think it's fine if you are hosting - or your sister. Usually the wedding is a celebration hosted by the bridal couple - so if you want people to celebrate your wedding with you (which I would be happy to by the way for a friend) then I think it needs to involve minimal financial cost from friends.

A local night out to say goodbye to single life is fine! enjoy it - but I don't think it would be appropriate to have a flashy expensive hen that involves travel.

Someone recently invited me to their hen do but not their wedding. Given that we haven’t really spoken since we graduated from university in 2010 I thought it was one of the stranger instances of cheeky fuckery I’ve experienced.

I’d happily go to a friends hen do if they weren’t having a big wedding.

Would be just for very close friends though, not the peripheral friends and make it clear there is zero pressure to go.

In fact, I’d want her to have a really great hen do so we can celebrate sending her off as won’t be present on the day!
But I do like a weekend away

i think a party/get together for your friends, like a mini reception afterwards would seem less weird

I think it's a nice idea as your wedding is specifically family only. I'd be very happy to go to a hen under those circumstances.

That is as long as it wasn't some big, flashy, expensive forrin adventure.

My sister got married with only immediate family present (with a party afterwards for friends and extended family) and she had a proper hen do with her friends. I think it very much depends on your friendship group.

Bit rude. And you might end up feeling a bit hurt when some people decline to attend (on the basis that they don’t go to hen dos when they aren’t on the wedding guest list).

I went to one hen do where I wasn’t invited to the wedding. It was awful, very awkward- conversation quite stilted as it wasn’t ok to talk about things like “so what re you going to wear to the wedding?’ Tompeople you hadn’t met before. So never again.

I hosted a hen like this in my home for the bride. She provided all the food and much of the drink, people brought a bottle and her bridesmaid paid for decorations/games stuff. The groom and his brother put on suits and served cocktails at the beginning, before heading off. Everyone had an absolute ball and there were no grumbles (to the best of my knowledge) about not going to the wedding.

But she had a) been completely upfront about the wedding itself and b) it cost guests practically zero to attend - in fact, at that time it was very much the done thing to host people at home as we were all skint. Really the decorations and games were the only thing that made it 'hen'.

She thinks that my friends and extended family who are not invited would want to do something to celebrate

How about a small party either before or after for friends and family not invited? But mixed, with both you and your fiancé there. So either a pre or post get together, maybe a bbq and drinks, or something small. I assume extended family surely involved males that's all.

Ah, missed the bit that says you're already having a party after. So, in my thinking, you're already giving the others that chance to celebrate with you.

I'd go to something like a bbq paid for by bride but I would be annoyed if I had to stump up any cash x

I’d be happy to go for a meal out if I wasn’t going to a wedding or was going to a party at someone’s house after they got married; I’d be less keen on a weekend away.
Also I’d make sure everyone you would invite knows the deal with the wedding.

I think it's a bit rude.

The party when you get back will be nice for those who couldn't make it/weren't invited to the wedding

Bit off, imo. You can't have your wedding cake and eat it: either you don't want a fuss or you do. A hen do is making a fuss, particularly as you're also having a party after.

Thanks everyone. I would never do a weekend away or an expensive night as I do think thats cheeky (although my partner is having a stag do abroad organised by all of his friends, but I guess its different for men, any excuse for a weekend away!)

I would have loved all of my friends to be at the wedding so we are not not inviting people because we dont want them there we just cant afford a big do in the timeframe that we wanted to be married by. We both have big friendship groups so if I invited my friends my partner would have to invite his and then its their partners and children and then it snowballs.

Why not have like a “spa day” but at your house or your sisters. Buy some nice face masks, some bubbly and paint each other’s nails. Maybe listen to some music to get everyone singing or watch a romcom? That way it’s like everyone is together before your wedding but it’s not technically a hen do? More like a girls day or night depending on how local you all are. If your very close with your friends and family I’m sure they’d understand that you can’t invite them to your destination wedding but still want to spend some quality time with them before you leave? Just an idea 😊

I wouldn’t do this either. The after party is probably enough in the circumstances I think.

If you weren’t doing the party, I’d say maybe buy dinner for a group of friends as a mini wedding / celebration, but since you’ve already got a party planned, other than the actual wedding, I’d say a hen do too is milking it slightly.

I’d be offended at not being invited to a big wedding, but expected to go to the hen do. However, this is a totally different scenario. The majority of guests won’t be going to the wedding, for a perfectly valid reason. In these circumstances I think it’s fine.

That said, if you’re having the post-wedding party anyway and it’s your sister who’s more bothered about the hen do than you, I’m not sure it’s necessary.

Just remember this: anyone who is desperate to celebrate you, will get in touch to arrange it. A Group of friends wants to celebrate your wedding, they’ll arrange a night out. Or invite you out to dinner. What’s being a CF is providing the forum for people to celebrate you, but you drinks, meal etc, especially when you have made it clear that it’s not your priority to have them there for budget reasons. Family only weddings are fine, but one of the sacrifices is no big pre-wedding parties (engagement, hen do) etc.

Maybe you could go for a nice meal with some of your friends as an unofficial hen.

Been to a stag (day/night out in a city) with about 30 guys on it, only me and a few others went to the wedding as the B & G were limited on numbers. No one seemed to mind.

Been to another stag (weekend away camping/pub job) where the wedding was abroad so only best man went. No one minded, we all went to the big party after they got back.

Nearlyadad thank you. There does seem to be a different set of rules for the bride and groom in this situation as my partners friends didnt for a second question attending a stag do because they were not invited to the wedding.

My partner has been to a number of stag dos where he was not invited to the wedding, most abroad aswell. Probably an excuse for a holiday!

I don’t remember what the bride did in the second example (it was a while ago) I think she had a hen do, I’m pretty sure I’d have remembered if there was some double standard nonsense about not inviting people to wedding so no hen do.

I did just this and everyone seemed quite happy - am still friends with some decades later.

wasnt the modern shrieky three day swill , though - we went for a meal. there were even blokes there because I dont choose my friends by gender.

modern drama queenery probably means you are out of luck. just call it a meal out.

I would be quite happy to do this for a friend if it was just a girly night out that was local to you. I wouldn’t be offended or think it was rude because you’re having a small wedding and it would be understandable I wasn’t invited. What do think is rude is massive expensive hen and stag weekends abroad followed by massive expensive 3 day long weddings abroad. I’d be quite happy to do something small and see the photos at your party after (and be grateful it was one less wedding to attend!).

I had a wedding in the UK but I didn’t grow up in the UK and all my long term friends and family are in my home country. Though they were invited, none of my friends from home could attend our wedding so I had a party at my parents house before. It was sort of like a bridal shower (more than a hen do) but in the evening with lots of drinking. It’s different obviously because they all were invited technically but it was really nice to celebrate with people I knew I wouldn’t be able to celebrate with otherwise.