AIBU for his parents to at the least be aware of me and dc after 10 years

[inlawetiquette]

There is a cultural difference between me and DP.

I've never met his family but I'm aware of who the different the people are and I get updated on things that happen by DP.

DP has always told me, he doesn't have that type of relationship with his parents. They don't really talk about things of a personal nature. They live in the south, we live in the north.

We've argued and even split, early on in our relationship because it was alarming that he never introduced me. We went to counselling and the jist I took from the counsellor was that it may be a cultural issue.

DP rarely visited his family or talk via phone...despite encouragement.

It's all blown up again for me. His DF is in his 80's and has been ill. DP has travelled twice to see him. I wanted to go with but was refused. I didn't push it this is about him and his ill dad.

First time he travelled, it was difficult to get hold of him on the phone. Not answered when I rang. Two-three word texts. Rang me on his way back. I had been worrying for him and about his Dad. He said....signal was bad in hospital etc

He went again and despite me asking him to give me an update so I know he's got there ok...how his dad is etc he did the same again.

It dawned on me, that his family know nothing about me and he wants to keep it that way. I asked him outright...has he ever told them about me or my dc (his step children but he's raised for 10 years)he said...

Not really

Part of me hears big alarm bells!!!! I have a hundred questions...how, why, what. Is he hiding them from me or me from them. Is he ashamed of me of them. Has he told me lies and scared I'll find something out?

Or am I overreacting. Does that mean our relationship isn't real.

AIBU

Perhaps write his parents a letter? Even though they aren't thought to be religious, there is still the "pride" issue. If you are unmarried, living together and his parents are from the type of cultural background that marriage should happen before living together and everything that comes with it, then maybe that's it. I've Asian friends who couldn't tell their parents they had moved in with their boyfriend, because even though they aren't religious it's still a cultural tradition that they follow. Same as any other cultural tradition, you don't necessarily need to be religious, but still celebrate the holiday. I.e. I'm not religious, but I still celebrate Christmas, even though Christmas is a religious holiday as it's about the birth of Christ.

Re the second life, if he was really living a double life with someone else then you'd know by now. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt where that's concerned. What sort of son would lie about their father being unwell? It doesn't sit right with me, speak to him again, tell him you are at the end of your tether and if need be give him an ultimatum if you don't think writing a letter to his parents will help.

Tbh I didn't meet my MIL or FIL until myself and my husband were engaged and that was 6 years into our relationship. The difference there was it was my choice, I chose not to.

Principle!

If he's low or no contact or knows his parents wouldn't approve of Op, why doesn't he just tell her?

Op, why have you put up with it for so long if it bothers you?

He is not your partner - he does not share his life with you. Your relationship is a lot less serious than you thought.

If they're in their 80s and ill, I do sympathise with him not wanting to rock the boat just now. He has probably been scared of upsetting them and while it feels hurtful to you, you have been together for 10 years so does it really matter now. And having had an ill relative in hospital recently, yes signals are terrible and yes you do forget about keeping in touch while you're preoccupied.

diddl it may be something that he struggles with himself. My (Asian) friend's brother was engaged to be married to a white woman and they begged to be introduced to her but he kept refusing! They offered to do a special 'Asian wedding party' for her and bought her lots of gold (in the same way they would have if she was Asian) but he dragged his feet about the meeting until the final hour. He didn't even want his mother/sister to attend their wedding. He knew that there may be things happening at the wedding that they may not have approved of and felt uncomfortable about that. Culture can be strongly internalized and even when you don't agree with it it can still be hard to break away from.

This is really weird OP and the 'cultural difference' thing is just a smoke screen for something way more fishy. It could be that his parents are frail and traditional and in the past have said he must have an Asian wife & his own children. It could be that your set up is just way to modern for them to get their heads round at this late stage of life.........but why why why can't your DP explain any of that if that is the case? Only your DP if he values you and your future can shed light on this. But it sounds like he'd rather stick needles in his eyes than tell you what's going on.

Has he suffered an abusive childhood?

Do you actually live together?

It could well be a cultural issue; one of my best uni friends used to worry about being seen out with me for fear that her parents would find out that she was friends with me - because I'm white. She was open about it to me - her parents were traditional and wanted her to have friends from her own culture and wanted to arrange a marriage for her etc. Sadly our friendship didn't survive once we finished uni, due to this.

A relative's husband (who happens to be Asian) was working away from home on a long term contract. Turned out that rather than staying at a hotel as he claimed to be, he had a girlfriend that he was living with. She became suspicious and contacted the person listed as mum in his contacts, who turned out to be my relative's mum. Complete shitbag.
If he spends regular amounts of time away from you, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was living a double life.
Is it possible that he has already had to have an arranged marriage and therefore his family wouldn't be happy to have a divorce in the family?

It's probably just that he didn't feel comfortable telling them at first (given their low contact) and after a while it's too late to say anything without getting a load of grief about 'why didn't you tell us' so he's avoided it. Unless he's regularly spending time away from you then it's highly unlikely that he's got a second family, despite how much some people on here want it to be true.

If the situation were reversed - you were Asian and your partner white - MNers would be shrieking racism because that's what it is.

My guess is an arranged marriage, other children and/or something to do with inheritance. Are they wealthy people? If they fell out due to cultural differences then they may cut him off.

Why aren't you married/had children together OP? Is this situation with his parents affecting how your relationship plays out? If he was to re-marry someone they don't approve of again they may cut him out.

Have you met any of his other family members? You mentioned a brother?

A friend of mine is in a similar position.

Her partner is from the Southern Med and flies home 6/7 times per year. He has never introduced my friend to any of his family or friends nor has he ever invited her "Home" with him on any of his visits. Friend and her DP have lived together for nearly 12 years. She pays for most things and inherited a very large sum 7 years ago which has now all been spent on rent, bills, exotic holidays with DP etc. I honestly think he's a cock lodger but in fairness he works hard, regularly travels up north with her to visit family, mixes very well with her family and friends and is still with her despite her now being pretty much broke so who knows. . It certainly wouldn't be acceptable to me but some people are very different.

I don't see how people are getting 'a double life' from what OP has posted.
She says dp rarely talks to or visits his parents.
I'm not saying his attitude towards OP is ok but it's a leap to suggest a double life.
Sounds more like an estrangement but as the father is ill he feels he needs to see him.
The OP hasn't said her dp is away lots.
However I would definitely feel betrayed by the lies implying that his family knew about OP and her dc.

What TerfsUp said ^

I do love when “culture” is used as a cover for racism and sexism....

Ask him again. If he dodges, well...I'd normally never suggest snooping on a spouse, but get to the bottom of it.

How strange!

this has nothing to do with race, religion or anything else.

you are apparently part of his life and have been for 10 years. if he had no contact with his family then fair enough. but he does have contact. I agree. he is either ashamed of you or ashamed of them. so ask him outright that question " who are you ashamed of" his answer or lack of it will tell you everything you need to know.

you are a convenience until something better comes along and he has strung you along for 10 years. don't waste any more time on him.

don't bother digging into his life, or writing to his parents or anything else because really who gives a shiny shit if this is a double life or anything else.

what it is, is one person hiding the biggest thing in their life, their relationship with another person. which begs the question, does he even consider this a relationship?

don't waste any more time. act. before you spend another 10 years lurking in the shadows.

It's probably just that he didn't feel comfortable telling them at first (given their low contact) and after a while it's too late to say anything without getting a load of grief about 'why didn't you tell us' so he's avoided it.

Now I think about it, this also makes sense

With suspicious behaviour like this it's easy to sensationalise it - stay calm.

I was in this position once and it went like this.... I had one DC who my then OH loved very much. My OH was Hindu and spoke often of his parents who had supported him financially and in his previous relationship with a white medical Doctor.
1y into relationship we relocate to a property they own and parents come to visit. OH very anxious, DC was with his father, OH screening my clothing etc. All very odd. Phone call occurs, much loud arguing in a language I don’t understand and OH says we are meeting for lunch now instead.
We meet for lunch. Turns out his parents knew nothing of me and my poor OH was trying to deal with this , trying to ‘stand up’ to them. What follows is a huge grilling about my background, education and career prospects. At some point I mention DC... his mother is crying and shouting, again I have no idea what is being said and they leave. Later they come to the house to tell me that they will never accept me or my child as part of their family.
Over time slight improvement but still no acknowledgement of my DC. OH insists they will come around, he loves DC and he will be with us during wedding ceremony.
Later discover OH had been unfaithful too! I decide to leave and his father begs me not too! Says that as we are not yet married it is not classed as infidelity...
Needless to say the relationship ended in due course, however I was traumatised by whole thing.
Inspite of then OH bad behaviour I can say that the unbelievable level of anxiety he had regarding his parents was upsetting and, cheating aside, he did his best to be a good step father and stand up to them BUT it would never have been ‘ok’.
Maybe your OH is trying to protect you from this kind of treatment, but obviously still cares for his family.

I spent nearly 3 years in my 20s with a Jewish partner who kept me a complete secret as I wasn't born Jewish. They weren't religious either. It had a bad impact on my self esteem and I now see that I couldn't have had a future withsome one who was so weak he couldn't even talk about the situation.
I would think about moving on OP.

In my own case it all ended well. I wasn’t presented to the wider family until we were engaged, they and the wider community accepted me and we were married. However, I had factors that probably made me very ‘acceptable’ as a mixed-match. I am under no illusions that had I been from a different background, then that might not have not been the case.

How do you know his DBs wife was white?

This man sounds like a total liar.