AIBU for his parents to at the least be aware of me and dc after 10 years

[inlawetiquette]

There is a cultural difference between me and DP.

I've never met his family but I'm aware of who the different the people are and I get updated on things that happen by DP.

DP has always told me, he doesn't have that type of relationship with his parents. They don't really talk about things of a personal nature. They live in the south, we live in the north.

We've argued and even split, early on in our relationship because it was alarming that he never introduced me. We went to counselling and the jist I took from the counsellor was that it may be a cultural issue.

DP rarely visited his family or talk via phone...despite encouragement.

It's all blown up again for me. His DF is in his 80's and has been ill. DP has travelled twice to see him. I wanted to go with but was refused. I didn't push it this is about him and his ill dad.

First time he travelled, it was difficult to get hold of him on the phone. Not answered when I rang. Two-three word texts. Rang me on his way back. I had been worrying for him and about his Dad. He said....signal was bad in hospital etc

He went again and despite me asking him to give me an update so I know he's got there ok...how his dad is etc he did the same again.

It dawned on me, that his family know nothing about me and he wants to keep it that way. I asked him outright...has he ever told them about me or my dc (his step children but he's raised for 10 years)he said...

Not really

Part of me hears big alarm bells!!!! I have a hundred questions...how, why, what. Is he hiding them from me or me from them. Is he ashamed of me of them. Has he told me lies and scared I'll find something out?

Or am I overreacting. Does that mean our relationship isn't real.

AIBU

Why waste more time trying to find out about his other life, turning up on his parents doorstep.

Cut your losses and move on with your life.

Think about the outcome.

You find out he has another life.
You split up

You find nothing but the suspicion is still there
You split up

You turn up on his parents doorstep
Do you think they would welcome you with open arms?
He finds out

You split up.

Whatever way you play it. It is not going to end well.

I know someone who was in this situation. She was white, he was Asian - but they had two kids together. He never told his family about her because they would have disapproved. When they did eventually find out all hell broke loose and he ended up leaving her. They'd never married ("just a bit of paper they didn't need") and his new wife is Asian and from the community. Meanwhile his former partner is scraping by, no CMS as he's apparently working for the family business for free, meanwhile living in a nice house, nice cars and fancy holidays abroad.

If you want to stay in the relationship then you need to get married. You MUST have some financial protection in case the shit hits the fan. 20 minutes in a registry office for just over £100 is all you need.

Where have you been for 10 years OP? What is the matter with you ?
Has he been gaslighting you all this time? Have you been groomed to think this was ok?
I think you really need to sort this out once and for all.

You've been with someone for 10 years and never met their parents, despite splitting up earlier in the relationship over the same issue? So what has changed now that this bothers you? What has been the trigger that suddenly it's not OK now when you've accepted this for 10 years!

Do you know their address? Why don't you go around with a nicely cooked meal, introduce yourself and ask if there is anything they would like you to do whilst DF is unwell?

The situation will continue as long as you let it. In their eyes, if they don't see you its like you don't exist. They can pretend its not happening and your boyfriend can continue having his cake and eating it.

There may be nothing more to this than your partner doesn't want the aggro he knows he would get. Are you secure in your financial set up? Does he live with you and whose home is it? Does he spend time away regularly with work or is this literally the first time you've been apart in the 10 years?

What sort of cultural differences? To be honest I'm astonished that you are still in the dark about this a decade on. You need address this urgently. Even if there isn't a second family somewhere waiting in the wings it's a bizarre way to live.

The biggest issue here is the breach of trust.
He told you his family knew about you. You believed him. And ... it turns out it’s not the case.
Of course, you’re not married because being married means you would have had to meet his family!

Do you think you would be able to move on from that? How could you trust anything he is telling now? 10 years is bloody long time to lie constantly. And hide any communications (see the fact he more or less never rings them in front of you). And not be caught out.
The Counsellor you saw didn’t do you nay favour imo.

How do I find out if he has another life?

Is he away working for periods of time?

There's a big difference between not telling your parents everything about your life & not telling them about a partner of 10ys!

It must be a conscious decision by him not to introduce you.

Do the reasons even atter if you aren't happy with it?

I find this very strange, my boyfriend is Asian and I'm white. One of the first things he did was introduce me to his family.. I don't think this is a culture issue but he's definitely hiding something.

Have you met his brother? Or anyone he knew from his childhood? Friends etc

Why are so many respondents being so horrible and making the OP feel even worse?!

This is a horrible situation, OP, I really sympathise. And I do understand your need for answers; it's completely normal. Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances or know much about his work, any of which could be a starting point, perhaps?

There are of course several scenarios (albeit many very unlikely) and perhaps you should keep an open mind rather than jumping to the assumptions that people will no doubt arrive at for you.

It could be:

He has a double life and another family (this was my first thought, I'll admit)
He's a bit odd but is telling the truth
There has been a very nasty family fallout and he doesn't want you to know about it because it's his fault
His family are awful and he wants to protect you from them
He's a spy (highly doubt it but some people are!)
He's a career criminal
He's some sort of abuser
He's not who he says he is

You've spend ten years with this guy and have DCs together. You deserve an explanation and can't be expected to just move on without one. But you should tread carefully, just in case there is something going on that you won't be equiped to deal with.

I hope you have some friends and family who can support you in this x

Does he send money there or visit on a regular basis?

There are lots of people on here who are NC/LC with their parents and siblings. He might be one of them who has gone to see his Dad because of obligation rather than genuinely wanting to. The fact that his parents don't contact him much suggests that they are happy with this.

Personally my kids have never met my parents. Nor did their father. My mother is a deeply abusive person and I don't need her tainting and continuing the abuse with the next generation.

"Not really" isn't a yes/no answer. He might have mentioned you but not specifically said that you're his partner and have a child.

Knocking on the parents door is not a good idea. You either find out that he's a liar or you find out he's not and he is furious with you for not trusting him.

It's hard to say why he's done this because only he can say.

Tbh it doesn’t sound to me as if he’s living a double life with another family although I agree that the fact he hasn’t ever told his family about you is out of the ordinary and needs questioning.

But it’s possible that he is so not close to his family that he doesn’t have personal conversations with them. You said he never visits them and hardly ever calls them, so clearly he’s low contact with them at the very least. Added to which, if they are from a different culture who would e.g. disown him for living with a partner rather than marrying them it could be something that simple.

You do need to have a discussion about this because if the cultural differences are that vast then I would be concerned that at some point he is going to move on iyswim. But you also need to ask yourself how important it is that a family who are barely in contact and who even he doesn’t see know about you and your DC. What will it change for you if he tells them? After all, he doesn’t have much contact with them, telling them about you isn’t going to change that, iyswim?

I know 2 women in this situation. One woman had been with her partner for 20! years before she met his family. They were religious Catholics from rural Ireland and whilst they knew he was in a relationship he didn't introduce her to his family until they got married (in their 50's) His previous marriage ended in divorce/annullment which already left a bad taste in their mouths. He felt bringing his partner down to them would have been rubbing salt in the wounds.
The second one is an English girl with a now Asian husband. For 10 years he tried to get his mother's blessing to marry her and she kept refusing/threatening suicide His father gave him 'permission' and he went ahead, the mother did not attend the wedding. They have a baby daughter now that the mother looks after FT and she is now very happy with the marriage.

The man's behaviour does not in any way indicate that he is living a 'double' life; more he feels bound by his cultural constraints and is not strong enough to face his parents/community. OP I don't think this bodes particularly well for you or your dc, sorry.

You really need to get to the bottom of this, trust your gut

Either he's ashamed of you or ashamed of them.

Not necessarily a double life at all.

But id want to make sure all finances are in order. House in your joint name etc. Because one way or another he isn't being completely open and honest and if there's any nasty surprises you want to be sure you and dc are protected.

I'm struggling with the idea that you've been with him for ten years and accepted this. Have none of your friends suggested this is very odd? Have none of your family mentioned to your DP that his secrecy is concerning?
Certain people enjoy the drama of having a secret relationship. I've watched this happen with friends. ime when it becomes a 'real' relationship (that isn't based on a degree of intrigue) the secretive partner loses interest and the relationship breaks down.
Would you want this for your DC? If not, do what you have to do to make this a relationship you would want your DC to emulate.

My friend was in the same position, 10 years with a man and his family never knew she existed. He's Hindu and she's white and non religious.

They wanted to get married and therefore decide to tell his parents. Whilst they were somewhat disappointed in his choice, they accepted it and attended the wedding.

There was nothing sinister, no secret other wife, purely that he didn't want to disappoint his parents as he knew what's was expected of him.

Still together 20 years later.

In many Asian families there is no such thing as boyfriend, girlfriend or partner. The only possible status is married or engaged to be married.

He knows this and has tried to swerve the issue due to distance/lack of contact with his family.

What are the reasons why you are not married? That seems like quite a blunt question, but the answer is the key to it.

I just asked my Asian (Hindu) friend about this and she said whilst some families may not have an issue with their son marrying a white/non-Asian, the fact that you have 4 children from previous would be a great source of embarrassment for the parents in the community. As harsh as that sounds maybe that is a factor too?

Apologies don't know where I got 4 dc from but I assume the principal still stands.