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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's drinking

68 replies

Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 19:05

I love my husband very much, we have a great marriage. Except his drinking. The problem is though he doesn't drink vast amounts but he does drink every single day and it is really grinding me down.

Today for example he has had 4 beers no not a huge amount and you can't really tell he has been drinking but it's just so unnecessary.

I've asked him before to cut down as sometimes he gets quite obnoxious but he never does.

On Friday I wanted to meet a friend and asked for a lift to the train station and for him to pick me up about 10pm. He couldn't take me down there as he had been drinking already. This was at 3.30pm!

I don't know what to do. He isn't listening to me when I ask him to stop.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 24/06/2018 19:08

Ask him if he could go for a month without drinking and see his reaction. I thought drinking every day is bad as it damages the liver. It must cost a lot.

Original poster
Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 19:10

He had said he will stop before but he doesn't. And just realised this is Aibu not relationships!

OP posts:
Adambarlow · 24/06/2018 19:11

He’s an alcoholic

mummastripes · 24/06/2018 19:11

I have no words of advice, only empathy. My partner is exactly the same. He has four beers a day and although not a lot I can tell by the look in his eyes.

It makes me so angry as I can't trust him with my son. I finally managed to get him to compromise that Monday - Wednesday are none drinking days and Thursday - Sunday he can have something to drink.

Original poster
Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 19:13

The other Sunday I had to rush out and asked him to drop the kids somewhere and he said I can't I've had a drink. I hadn't even seen him drink!

OP posts:
Hidillyho · 24/06/2018 19:15

He’s an alcoholic, he probably won’t just stop as it’s an addiction

Familyfeud22 · 24/06/2018 19:18

That is a lot of alcohol, he's an alcoholic if he can't go without a drink for at least a day

pointythings · 24/06/2018 19:22

He certainly sounds as if he is dependent on alcohol. It never ends well. He might function for years, but it will affect his health and his relationships.

My STBXH fell into alcohol addiction after his mum died - started with drinking every day, then more and more heavily. He's now living alone, our DDs don't want any contact with him and he has no job.

Unfortunately the only person who can turn things around is him. You need to start researching alcohol addiction and seeking support from an organisation like Al-Anon - they are there to support the relatives of people who are alcoholics. They will give you appropriate coping strategies, teach you about co-dependency and how to deal with it and help you set boundaries.

Good luck. Flowers

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 24/06/2018 19:22

Sorry. I went to AA because I'd tried everything else. I absolutely loved it. It was such great free counseling, such great gossip, stories and scandal and most of all insight into my incredible madness that i thought was totally normal. In london the groups are so varied and great, elsewhere i dont know. I do know that during the 3 years i learnt that what i thought was normal wasnt. t`hat in UK alcohol is totally brushed under carpet and people are so forgiving for craziness here. I know now that i couldn't tolerate a partner that was a casual drinker even weekly. So......... you've spoken to him. I think you also have to play your hand here on this. If for you Monday - friday it's out then stick to that, dont indulge in a glass (if you do, do it secretly-gah, what am i advocating)... also an alcohol diary. keep one for him, however the only thing i did, was take it one day at a time. And I went to meetings. AA made me into a classy woman, elegant and hilarious, serious and listening. Someone who goes back to parties with head held high, without anxiety about how i acted, and full of memories of lovely conversations. I hate small talk, now i have deep conversations.

Original poster
Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 19:34

I can't bear it anymore and more and more I've started to notice that he almost manipulates situations so he can drink.

Right now I would quite happily check into a hotel for the evening with the children but don't think they need that level of hysteria in their lives.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 24/06/2018 20:04

Four beers is a lot, and then there is the rest that he hides from you. He should not have any at all. Ever. This will not end well. How much do you want you and your DCs to watch?
I have known too many die from alcohol abuse.
Save yourself and your DCs.
Get out as soon as you can.

mummymeister · 24/06/2018 20:10

he wont stop until he decides to. nothing you do or say is going to have any effect on that because this is not down to you.

all you can do is either keep yourself and your children safe from him by splitting up with him or waiting until he hits rock bottom.

in the meantime, make sure he has a really good life insurance policy because this level of addiction is killing his liver and eventually him.

keep yourself sane and safe by speaking to the various support agencies.

all the time you stay with him and run around doing everything because you cant rely on him, he wont ever see this as a problem.

start now. tell him tomorrow he has to take the children somewhere so cant drink. if he drinks then you have your answer.

write out what you want to say and tell him how you feel about it and how it is dominating all of your lives. and don't for one minute think your children are unaware of his behaviour because they aren't.

you either stay with him and enable him to carry on drinking or you give him an ultimatum.

have a look at the Addictions board. others on that board have said it far better than I can.

Original poster
Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 20:10

We have only been married less than a year. He wasn't like this before. My dc are not his. I'm just so sad.

OP posts:
GothMummy · 24/06/2018 20:13

Hes probably drinking more. My husband used to say he only had 3 or 4 pints a day. Then we found the bottles of vodka stashed round the house. Hes alcoholic.

Babynut1 · 24/06/2018 20:18

I’m in the same boat as you op.
My husband is drinking everyday. He bought a big bottle of gin yesterday, half of it went last night.
Last weekend, he went through a bottle in 2 nights.
I’m
Going to see how much he drinks tonight and then it’s ultimatum time.
It started off a bottle of cider a night then went up to a couple then a few more. Now it’s wine, gin and bottles of it.
I’ve had enough, we can’t afford this either.
I’m not putting up with it for much longer.

mummymeister · 24/06/2018 20:18

what changed OP? had he always been a drinker before but perhaps you didn't notice it so much?

its sad but he wont act to sort this out so you have to.

Ohmydayslove · 24/06/2018 20:28

It’s not fair that he is abdicating responsibility op. 4 beers to me isn’t a lot for say a sarurdsy but not when he needs to step up to faniky responsibility.

And over the limit at 3.30 is crazy behaviour.

Rocinante1 · 24/06/2018 20:34

The only thing that works with an addict is hitting rock bottom, or realising they are going to hit it. He needs an ultimatum. Either he stops drinking entirely, or you leave. And as soon as he says he won't stop drinking, you pick up your bags, get the kids and leave. You do not go back until he gets help for his drinking.

If he cannot go a month without it, then he's an addict. Its one thing to want a drink and not have it but it's a whole other thing to need a drink and be unable to not.

Original poster
Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 20:36

We have had a stressful few months. We are a blended family which comes with its own issues when all the kids live with us and they are approaching teenagers.

We used to have a few drinks together of a weekend but I've never drank in the week and I've noticed it creeping in. Now I've noticed it and am very aware of it I can see it more than ever. And the amount is increasing. He will pop to his mums 'have a quick beer while he was there' cook dinner have a glass of wine. Everything seems to be alchol related more and more.

And when it gets to the stage where I'm not actually seeing him drink now but he has had a drink it's really concerning me. No point saying anything now I'll Say it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Catmum26 · 24/06/2018 20:38

you don’t have to get blindo drunk every night to be an alcoholic. if he can’t go a day without a drink he is dependant on alcohol and is an alcoholic. as a child who grew up with an alcoholic i urge you to convince him to get some help or leave until he sorts himself out for the sake of the children. he probably doesn’t even think he has a problem but from what you’ve described he does.

Oneinthegrave · 24/06/2018 20:49

My DP was like this, usually 4-6 cans a night but at the weekend it could be anything up to 12 cans. It was ridiculous, he would drink 6 cans and not be even tipsy which is the worst bit.

The only thing that stopped him was me leaving him. I stayed with a friend for a couple of days to show him i meant business (i didnt really i knew it would shock him). I told him i didnt want DS growing up around that, thinking it was a) normal and b) an acceptable way to act. He realised and hasn’t to my knowledge drank since.

To start with, he drank Heineken 0% (other brands available Wink ) he said it helped at the start. Now he just doesn’t drink at all and if he craves a pint he’ll drink those shandys you buy from shops which are like 0.05%. But he couldnt drink a bit because he would always end up drinking too much.

Original poster
Namechanger1776 · 25/06/2018 16:31

We have had 'the talk' I said he has to change or I'm leaving. I've been a single parent before I'm quite capable of doing it again etc.

He said he is determined to show me that he isn't reliant on alcohol and will give it up if it upsets me that much.

I'll give it a month.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/06/2018 16:35

You didn't cause it
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
An addict will normally only change because they want to. Make a plan. In case he doesn't make a change. And be prepared to leave or make him leave if he starts again.
Be aware that if you're not seeing him drink he may very well hide it. Addicts are sneaky.

Rantymare · 25/06/2018 16:36

Having four beers a night wouldn't bother me. Having four beers (or one!) When he doesn't know if he's to be responsible for anything or not, would drive me insane.

My youngest SD is 18 but if they were around and I fancied a glass of wine I'd check DP didn't need me to be able to drive her/them anywhere before I did it. Your husband has responsibilities first and foremost and he is being selfish IMO. Making everything fall to you because he'd rather relax and that's unacceptable, beer or no beer.

Wolfiefan · 25/06/2018 16:46

Four pints? Every night? Far too much.
He seems dependant on alcohol if it's every day.