"He’s an alcoholic" yep!
You can't make him stop.
3 c's of addiction
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
4 beers EVERY night IS a lot, but because you're so used to him doing it, you're minimising/desensitised. Plus from other comments you've made it sounds highly likely he's drinking more than you're aware of as you're not even noticing he's had a drink and then asking him to eg drive - thankfully he's not THAT stupid he's driving then but it's also highly likely he IS drink driving if he's driving at all as he's not even going a full day without! My dad had all sorts stashed around the house. He's even drunk 'non drinks' that contain alcohol he's been so fuelled by the addiction, he even drank when on Antabuse. (Really stupid thing to do!)
Drinking so early in the day for no reason is another indicator.
Not being noticeably drunk - because his body has built up an intolerance - is yet another.
Honestly it sounds like he can't manage without for even a few hours!
"and don't for one minute think your children are unaware of his behaviour because they aren't." Absolutely!
"My dc are not his." Even more reason to leave, they don't deserve this inflicted on them.
As someone who grew up as a child of an alcoholic I beg of you for your DC's sake LEAVE. Get your ducks in a row and get out. At the very least leave with a condition that you'll CONSIDER returning when he can prove he's been sober for at least a year. You know him, he won't be able to fool you.
He isn't stopping because he doesn't WANT to. It will only get worse. No almost about it - he will be arranging his activities to 'naturally' involve drinking wherever possible - so people won't notice (except they do)
Physically it's not just liver, it affects ALL major organs and body systems. Eats away at the gut, wears out the heart...
I kinda wish I could show currently 'healthy' alcoholics my yellow, bloated, doped up to the eyeballs on meds to keep him barely alive, bedridden, mind addled (was a VERY intelligent man) father. If that doesn't put you off I really don't know what would!
My mother has stayed with him despite decades of abuse, she is his carer and can barely risk leaving the house herself.
Curiosity getting me - did you live together before you got married? Did you not notice anything before you married? Because I doubt this has become this level in a year. Was he in a ltr before and if so why did that break down?
Does he have residency of his DC? Where's their mother in all this? Because I'm very uncomfortable at the idea of pre-teens left in the sole custody of an alcoholic.
You'll be back at same point in a month I guarantee. Use that month to get organised inc contacting your stepchildren's other family. And do a thorough search of the house, all the cubby holes, airing cupboard, attic, where the Christmas decorations are stored, his car, the shed, garage, gym bags, took box, the collector bucket for the lawn mower, drawers, wardrobes... Be prepared for a rude awakening.
@justvent - 3 decades of dealing with a family of addicts, living with one, listening to them tell of all the things they did to facilitate the addiction and hide it, and doing TONS of reading the research good enough? To be perfectly honest you're coming across as defensive, possibly you're an addict or love one too?
Mountains and prawn - congratulations on your continuing sobriety. 2 of my relatives who are (they say are not were too) have achieved sobriety for several decades now. One still goes to AA regularly. Works for them all power to em I say!
My dad CLAIMS he quit, what actually has happened is he physically cannot get out to buy it now and mum refuses to - even if he were with it enough to order online mum deals with all deliveries. So he's a dry drunk really. Still as vicious and nasty as he ever was - which he used to blame on the drink of course!
You seem to 'get it' op - that either he wants to do it and will or he's just trying to placate you until he can push your boundaries on this. Stick to your ultimatum though or its meaningless. It's also sounding like he's not truly acknowledging the issue. No mention of going to dr, or AA or another support group? Or getting counselling or getting rid of the alcohol from the house altogether - I'm guessing you'd have no issue with that?
...and then I read today's update.
So sorry, you're not silly AT ALL. You were hopeful, that's fair enough. But unfortunately he's not wanting to or isn't ready to stop. You have to do what is best for you and DC.
Stick to your plan to leave and get away from all this.