Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DH's drinking

68 replies

Namechanger1776 · 24/06/2018 19:05

I love my husband very much, we have a great marriage. Except his drinking. The problem is though he doesn't drink vast amounts but he does drink every single day and it is really grinding me down.

Today for example he has had 4 beers no not a huge amount and you can't really tell he has been drinking but it's just so unnecessary.

I've asked him before to cut down as sometimes he gets quite obnoxious but he never does.

On Friday I wanted to meet a friend and asked for a lift to the train station and for him to pick me up about 10pm. He couldn't take me down there as he had been drinking already. This was at 3.30pm!

I don't know what to do. He isn't listening to me when I ask him to stop.

OP posts:

Rocinante1 · 25/06/2018 16:49

Well done OP. Keep your wits about you though - he's been day drinking without you knowing about it so that's what you need to be watching for.

JessyJames · 25/06/2018 16:50

He needs help, but as others have said he won't accept help until he is ready.

I went to the funeral of a good friend last week.
They were the 3rd friend who had died of alcohol related problems in the past year.

pointythings · 25/06/2018 17:46

Well done giving him the ultimatum. Now stick to it.
I would be willing to bet he has a secret stash somewhere - my H had bottles hidden all over the place.

Jonjah · 25/06/2018 17:58

Well done for giving the ultimatum. I really hope he sticks to it and doesn't carry on secretly drinking. I'm going through similar with my DP. It's so incredibly sad to see someone you love behave in this way and absolve responsibilities they have towards you and their family. You know it's not the real them. The nhs have got some great support units (near me any way, check for your area) which not only support the addict but provide counselling to families too. I also find that removing myself from the situation better than getting wound up sat next to him drinking.

Good luck. I hope he changes. Make plans just in case he doesn't though...if the worst happens you'll feel more in control.

Bollocksitshappenedagain · 25/06/2018 18:07

Be careful he doesn't swop one thing for another. My stbx swooped booze for codeine. They will also be drinking far more than they tell you about. He gave up but has never managed to be dry more than 24 months max (and that's with still taking other bits)

I had given an ultimatum a few times and finally stuck to it. He has been gone 4 weeks nearly and I am far happier.

I got fed up of always being on edge and wondering if he had had a drink.

Original poster

Namechanger1776 · 25/06/2018 19:23

He has already been a bit shitty with me this evening. This is fun.

OP posts:

JustVent · 25/06/2018 19:28

People are telling the OP that the husband hides drinks? How would you know?!

He isn’t necessarily an alcoholic just because The People of Mumsnet have spoken.

I know plenty of people who drink that much and more and are not alcoholics. Over the years some cut down, some stopped, some did X Y Z but it doesn’t automatically mean they are alcoholics.

Her husband said he didn’t want to stop, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he can’t or might just mean that he doesn’t like being ordered around by his wife when he’s a grown man!

JustVent · 25/06/2018 19:30

He’s probably pissed off because he’s being made to do something he doesn’t want to do.

An alcoholic or not, he needs to stop because he wants to not because you are making demands of him.

This has got ridiculously out of hand.

Rocinante1 · 25/06/2018 19:35

@JustVent

His drinking is affecting family life. He can't drive because he's already over the limit by 3.30. At that point, he needs to make a choice - stop drinking and stay in family life or keep drinking and the family can leave so they don't have to plan around a drink everyday.

He has been given a choice. The OP and her children do not have to live with someone who gets drunk everyday, and she has given him the choice if stopping or of her leaving.

hoopieghirl · 25/06/2018 19:41

I've been sober for four years when I was drinking I constantly lied to my Oh about the amount I drank. He probably is drinking more than you think. You have decision to make and so does your husband. His family or the booze. I hope he makes the right decision x

Wolfiefan · 25/06/2018 19:45

If he's drinking every night then he's alcohol dependent.
He's being shitty because he hopes you will back down and say oh fuck it have a drink then. And because he's dependent on alcohol and trying not to drink.
4 beers at once isn't a massive amount. But that amount every single day with never a day off does mean he's dependent to a certain extent. Not all people with alcohol issues are drinking vodka for breakfast and special brew for lunch.

JustVent · 25/06/2018 19:50

As far as the OP has said, the whole drinking at 3.30 was just once thus far isn’t it?

Hell, I’ve had a Bloody Mary at midday before! Many years ago, but still.

Original poster

Namechanger1776 · 25/06/2018 19:51

It's not the amount he is drinking it's the fact that I can't rely on him.

The other week he ended up at the wrong station as he fell asleep after a night out. I drove for 45 minutes to go and get him at midnight. Leaving my dc at home (the younger ones were with their dad so not an issue).

But if the same had happened to me I would be stuck with no way of getting home because I can't rely on him to be sober enough to help.

OP posts:

JustVent · 25/06/2018 19:55

I mean that sounds way more than 4 beers if he’s passing out on the trainz

percheron67 · 25/06/2018 19:55

My late husband was done for drink driving and lost his licence for 2 years. It wasn't until after this that someone took me aside and said "you realise that he is never properly sober don't you"! Silly to say but I hadn't really worked it out. He drove every morning to his office for around 9. Had a 2 hour lunch at the pub and went to a business men's club just after 5.30. He was never home until around 7.30 With dinner we often shared a bottle of wine and I started washing up around 9. He then walked to his local and was rarely home until 11 - 11.30. He also kept scotch in the house.

To this day, I don't know why I didn't realise just how much he was putting away. I think it is called functioning alcoholism. He was such an awkward customer that I wouldn't have challenged him anyway. A verbal and emotional bully. I posted about him, on another subject, a few weeks ago. The support I received from Mumsnet helped greatly. I hope that people are helpful and kind to you with their messages. you are in my thoughts.

JustVent · 25/06/2018 19:56

*train

Original poster

Namechanger1776 · 25/06/2018 19:59

I think he has had a lot more when he fell asleep on the train.

OP posts:

Rainingonthelanding · 25/06/2018 20:11

Hi op. Sorry you are going through this.

I could have written your post 3 months ago. My dh was exactly as you describe. Drinking every night, not always to excess but still at least a couple of beers every night. Things were stressful - kids, work, life.

We had many chats and I gave him many, many ultimatums. For a while things would improve and then we would slowly go back to how it was before. It was soul destroying but somehow became my normal.

The last time, he broke down and admitted for the first time that he knew he was too reliant on alcohol and promised to change. I'd heard it all before and something in me changed and it was like I'd hit a wall. I couldn't continue in this cycle anymore. I broke down at work and told my lovely boss everything. She was amazingly supportive and telling someone about the way things were somehow made me realise that this just wasn't normal. I made a decision that unless things changed then I was out. I had to protect myself but more importantly my children. I couldnt let them grow up continuing to think this was a normal relationship with alcohol and excusing his behaviour.

Since then, things have changed dramatically. He's not touched a drink since and he's like a different person. But it was nothing I did, I said the same things as I had said a million times before. He made the decision to change his behaviour. Until your dh is prepared to do that, you're talking at a closed door. Think about yourself and your children and what you are prepared to accept.

GothMummy · 26/06/2018 23:37

How are things going OP?

TuTru · 26/06/2018 23:39

Ask him why he drinks so often? Is he masking something? Xx

Fluffyunicorns · 26/06/2018 23:55

I had this conversation with my Ex many times - alll that happened was he started hiding the drinking. At the moment your Dp tells you he can’t drive as he has had a drink. If he starts to hide it he won’t tell you and you may end up with your kids being driven drunk. Hope he can give up but be warned - I got to know where the wine was hidden and when he realised that the mineral water started being swapped for vodka while he pretended it was water. But I did not notice that bit till I was told by somebody he used to work with after we had split up. Fortunately by that time I had made a decision to never let him drive anyone else in the family.

ComtessedeLancret · 27/06/2018 00:10

As someone above mentioned, keep in mind the three 'C's of addiction. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it.

While you're giving it a month I would seek out an Al Anon group that is specifically for family/friends living with an addict to help counsel you through it and learn some of the other signs.

While a couple of beers wouldn't bother me, it would if it's hindering his ability to function in the household in terms of impromptu drop off/pick ups etc.

To be honest it never really bothered me until kids came along, I noticed it a lot more while pregnant where DH would have this mindset of 'Well you can't drink so you can handle emergencies' when I was more in the mindset of 'I'm pregnant, I could be the emergency!!' and especially if you have teenage DC it's not a behaviour you want totally 'normalised' in the household either.

My father is what I'd consider a 'functioning' alcoholic, while he doesn't get belligerent or anything, and he's so used to it he can drink a whole case of beer a day and not even seem like he's drunk, it's something that you do tend to normalise a bit and it's taken me decades to click onto that especially now I've had kids and I wouldn't want that behaviour to be the 'norm' for them as such.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/06/2018 00:17

Like Mountains, I'm an AA member. I've been sober for 25+ years. It's brilliant. Best thing I ever did. So your DH could be much happier if he seeks help. I stopped because I loved my DH and my DPs. I didn't TTC until I'd been sober for years.

Trouble is that only your DH can do it. In the meantime I don't see why you should have to put up with his drinking. He definitely sounds like an alcoholic and if he can't cut down as promised you have your answer. I'd be pretty fierce. He needs to know you are serious about no longer tolerating this.

Original poster

Namechanger1776 · 28/06/2018 22:12

It has been ok, until tonight when he started going on about just having one to watch the football.

I said do what you want. He had poured a gin and tonic. I came upstairs and he followed me up. He said 'you said do what you want'. I told him I'm sick of being the one that always has to be the adult. It's always down to me. I can't police him he has to want to do it himself.

He threw the gin away.

I don't know anymore. I have no issue with him going out and having a few drinks, or going for lunch and having a bottle of wine with my family.

It was the casual one bottle of wine a night that was grinding me down.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 28/06/2018 22:14

But if he can't do without that bottle every night and can't put the brakes on after the odd one then really he can't drink.
But he won't accept that.
If he doesn't pack it in what will you do?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread