Didn't receive a good luck/congratulations card.

[mangowango]

Right Mumsnet, I know you'll be honest with me so sort me out please.

AIBU and a little bit precious? Or is this feeling justified? I started a new job last week after being unemployed for 2 years. This job was very much wanted (and needed, not just financially but for my mental state as I was struggling being at home with the children 24/7). It had taken me a long time to find this job due to various reasons such as lack of confidence and finding something that fits around my partners career (long hours, irregular days off, no family locally to help with childcare whilst attending interviews). In the past when my partner has started a new job I had got a card for him from the children, made him lunch for his first day, made a little bit of a fuss. However from him I got zilch. It even took him an hour after I'd got home to ask how my day had gone. Am I right to be a bit miffed about this?

TBH it wouldn't occur to anyone in my family to do this. But congratulations and good luck from me anyway.

Does he make an effort for your birthday or valentines or Christmas? Is this just another example of him not making an effort? If so you're not unreasonable to be annoyed but you are unreasonable to be surprised.

If not and he's generally good then say to him you feel a bit hurt that he doesn't seem interested or excited for your new job

Good luck and congratulation cards? From your partner? What an absolute load of nonsense and a waste of money. Do you expect "well done on your massive poo" cards? Or "great job parking"? I've heard it all now

Bit rubbish not to wish you luck in the morning and then ask how it went. I wouldn't buy a partner a card for that though.

Is he supportive about you getting a job? All the stuff you have done for him is coming from you. It didn’t mean he actually thinks is necessary. It’s so coming seeing women doing this and that for their partners, but actually they don’t really care either way.

If you do something jsut remember you are doing it for yourself. Not so he has to reciprocate. For example I do home cooked meals and bake DH a birthday and Father’s Day cake. He couldn’t care less if he gets takeaway everyday and have a cake from Tesco. Do you see what I’m saying?

It's always a little dangerous to assume that just because you do something like that, then everyone else should. You did it because it was a thought you had and so you did a nice thing, but not having that thought doesn't mean that someone doesn't wish you well or feel happy for you. It's not like a birthday where there isn't an expectation throughout society that we receive cards on that day, so I would just graciously let it go.

Well done on getting the job though, and I hope it all goes well for you.

Treat yourself to a nice cake. Cards are a waste of money. Xx

I've never done anything like that when dh started a new job. He's never done anything like that when I've started a new job. In fact, I don't know of anyone that has done that for a partner, other than to ask how the first day went.

I'm not saying you're unreasonable to do it but I think most people wouldn't so you are a bit unreasonable to expect it. Have a chat with him. Tell him you're a bit disappointed as you would have liked a bit of a fuss and see what he says.

Wasn't the financial support for two years whilst you cherry picked a job (rather than take anything) enough? I wouldn't be buying cards for new jobs, working is just what adults have to do to provide for themselves and family,

I personally wouldn't expect a card from my DH but I would expect him to mention it in the morning "hope today goes well" or similar and I'd expect him to ask how it went first thing.

That said, sometimes I completely forget there's something happening and am mortified when DH reminds me I didn't ask about whatever

Even after 2 days of 5 hour interviews and several different selection panels, I only got a 'knew you could do it' 🤷🏻‍♀️ Don't sweat the small stuff!

Congratulations and well done!!

It would of been nice for him to organise something for the children to give you so yes I really don't think you are BU, he also should of wished you luck etc before you went and asked how it went when you came home, it's kind of what partners do !!

You're holding him a bit to ransom, OP. "Look at what I do for you" - subtext, I'm modelling how you have to behave for me.

It's lovely that you are someone who makes a fuss of events - honestly, I think it's a really nice characteristic. But when people are fine without a (completely unsolicited) fuss, it's a bit of a chore to have to mirror someone else's different behaviour just because you want to force different rules on them.

For the record, I do think on your first day, it's pretty bloody shabby to take an hour to ask how it went. That's just common courtesy.

Yabu and a bit ridiculous. A card? Seriously? Cards are such a waste of time, they sit on the side then go in the bin.

the main issue is was he supportive in other ways? If he was then fussing over a card is really unfair.

And should have said: well done on getting back into work! Hope it goes really well for you!

It wouldn't occur to me to send a card on someone's first day at work...is this a thing? I'd ask them how it went, but honestly...not much else really! Other people's jobs are boring to hear about (sorry...but they are!). You're a grown up, presumably you've had jobs before, so it's not a special day in your life, like for a 4 year old starting school.

If you wish to pack 'special lunches' for your DH, that's lovely...but that's down to you, your choice. You shouldn't be keeping a score card. We don't 'give in order to receive'...that's bound to end in utter disappointment for one of the party involved!

Of course, it may be that he's just a self-absorbed twat...but only you would know that! Not one person on here can make that judgement, as we don't know him and we don't know your relationship dynamics. If this is the case...call him out on it (but without reference to twee cards and special packed lunches...more about talking to you about your day!!)

Or...he could just be going about his (your words) busy job and expecting you to be doing the same as a fully functioning adult who doesn't need propping up with cards and 'special lunches' in order to go to work.

Good luck in your job. I hope it goes well for you.

You weren't working so had more time to make celebratory lunches.

Whatshallidoniwpeople if your job is comparable to taking a big poo then I feel sorry for you.

Boxsetsandpopcorn I wasn't "cherry picking" work, I was finding something that wouldn't impact on his career as his job isn't at all flexible and we have no support around for childcare.

Thank you all for your replies. I have decided to move on and not mention it to him. Perhaps lower my expectations and not "sweat the small stuff" as someone mentioned.

I don't think you can be aggrieved he didn't buy a card, but yanbu to expect him to show some interest in how things are going. Is this part of a broader picture? Or does he not want you to work?

Christ on a bike

He should have said good luck/break a leg in the morning and asked how it went in the evening which he did did he not? I wouldn't expect anything else.

On my first day in recent new job I brought a McDonald's home for DP and I as a treat

I get it, OP, it's a big deal for you and you wanted him to acknowledge it in some way. I remember finishing my master's degree - bloody hard work on top of a full time job and a young child - and being a bit miffed that none of my family thought to acknowledge it, even though some of my friends did. But then I gave my head a good wobble and realised that it simply hadn't occurred to them to get a card, but that didn't necessarily reflect on how proud they were of me for having achieved what I did. Has your DH been generally supportive about the new job?

Congratulations, anyway, and best of luck!

Wasn't the financial support for two years whilst you cherry picked a job (rather than take anything) enough?

What a fucking mean and inaccurate way to twist what OP said. Totally unnecessary.

YABU - no one I know gets congratulations cards for getting a new job from partners, other family members their own age and older, or their children.

The only people I know who get such a fuss made over them are teens/young adults who are going from education to a first "proper" job. Even then it's from friends and extended family members rather than partners and parents.

Also it's common after the first week or two to ask others in detail how their new job is going. First days don't reveal anything as it's just induction processes. So while your OH should have asked how your day went - which he did -, I'm not surprised if he didn't ask for lots of detail.

I'd do/expect this from a close family member I didn't see often, but not from a partner I lived with. My sister and I exchange this sort of card because we live 200 miles apart; but it would never occur to me to exchange one with my husband.