Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I never ask mil for her opinion, AIBU?

70 replies

YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:12

I am the type of person who does the following:

1- research and educate myself to form an opinion

2- ask for advice from people who have experience to tweak my opinion in an educated way.

3- I follow what my gut instinct chooses from those educated opinions.

Now, for step 2 I end up asking my parents sometimes when it comes to ds and siblings and even strasngers... but not mil.

I can tell she feels left out and I feel bad that I dont make her feel as involved and I admit I too would be upset in that situation ...

However reason why I don’t is because once her opinion is invited for one thing, she assumes dictatorship of every kitty gritty and she would expect obedience..

So essentially, step 1 and 3 become redundant.

Any tips of how I can approach the issue in a way fair to her ? ( my husband speaking to her isn’t an issue).

There is no issue her either except I feel guilty and also anxious that one day she will explode for feeling left out. I did the mistake of consulting her in my wedding details and She ended up taking over like any other opinion doesn’t matter... and quite frankly telling me that the opinions of other people who advised me are shit ( relatives) and that I don’t have a taste..

So as a consequence, I now make it clear that her opinion doesn’t matter not even when the stranger opinion matter.

Although she deserves it, but I like to be fair and not hurt people. Is there a better way to handle this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:13

Btw mil is educated and at times has very good opinions... just her controlling behaviour makes it not worth the hassle

OP posts:
bluetrampolines · 23/06/2018 22:14

You have a lot of rules.

Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:14
  • husband speaking to her isn’t an option
OP posts:
JenBarber · 23/06/2018 22:14

I wouldn't bother including her.

Saying you have no taste is vile.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 23/06/2018 22:19

Can you make it less obvious that you are asking other people's opinions?

But I understand, I really do. I tend to go 2, 1 then 3 but my mother is just like your mil.

Fishface77 · 23/06/2018 22:20

Would it hurt to ask her occasionally??
You sound nasty.

ShatnersBassoon · 23/06/2018 22:25

I don't understand this. I can't remember the last time I asked for an opinion on my choices, and if I did I can't think why I'd go on to tell others that I'd needed help making my mind up.
Stop doubting yourself and telling people your business, and nobody gets hurt.

Greenyogagirl · 23/06/2018 22:30

Why can’t you ask her opinion and decide if you want to take it? If you ask for people’s opinions on wallpaper is she likely to say ‘I like this one’ or do you think she’d break in while you’re out and redecorate, how much can she take over really?

Batteriesallgone · 23/06/2018 22:31

What do you mean when you say husband talking isn’t an option? She’s his mum.

Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:37

Fishface.. I’m sorry that I sound nasty to YOU. Yet I don’t see it. Can I disagree with u :D

Greenyogagirl.. it doesn’t work with her I have tried.. there are people that find ways to control u..

Whatcanidonow.. I don’t make it obvious, it’s just that my husband knows I ask for opinions and I don’t like him feeling that his mum is excluded. He knows my reasons but I’m sure he would appreciate if I found a better way to handle this

OP posts:
Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:39

Batteriesallgone.. sorry I meant him talking to her about her control issues and how she doesn’t allow me to make decisions about my own personal things..

It’s not his style to confront his mum he would rather avoid. Just a personality

OP posts:
MiddleMoffat · 23/06/2018 22:46

Why doe she know who you consult, just don't tell people all this stuff, nobody needs to know!

Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 22:49

I really don’t tell her who I consult.. but my husband knows and I feel he feels his mum isnleft out. I like to treat his mum the way I treat mine. I don’t like her to feel like she isn’t passing down some wisdom , as she enjoys doing that very much..

To reword things... I sometimes ask my parents for their opinions because I feel it makes them feel valued.. would like to make my mil feel valued without having her take matters into her own hands.

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 23/06/2018 22:52

Ah, so she might not be bothered at all. There's nothing to fret about.

Also don't ask for opinions just to make people feel valued; they won't feel good if your ultimate choice doesn't tally with what they suggested.

Crack on doing your own thing.

JessicaJonesJacket · 23/06/2018 22:53

But either you value their opinions or you don't . . . I'd imagine your parents would get upset if they felt you constantly asked for their opinions and then ignored them. Manage your MIL the same way you handle your parents.
If you can't honestly see a time when you will take her opinion and act on it then don't bother pretending to her and your DH that you value her views. Because it sounds as though you've already decided you're always going to ignore her.

Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 23:04

Shanters and jessica...

As I said I do end up tweaking my direction based on their experiences if they offer something valuable. With my parents there’s is room to discuss and negotiate and reason and no they don’t feel that upset if I don’t follow exactly what they said and usually I present them with a reason and it’s a nice debate.

Like I discussed with my mum what shall I start weaning my child with and how to do it, took some of what she said and told her I needed to think about some and told her I don’t feel I should follow some because of so and so . Same with Dad , he gave me advice and I entertained it and it’s just that he won’t be bothered if I took half of it and not the other half.

I do and would value my mil opinions.. in many ways I would like to know what worked and didn’t work with my husband as a child since his son carries his traits.. it’s nice for her to feel like I value her as his mother...

I wouldn’t be taking 100 percent of what she says and would like to have room to grow my own opinions but with some “wisdom/guidance” from her.. I like this aspect of working as a team to raise the child...

Yet... for her , if I ask for her opinion... she would call my husband daily making sure I followed it, gets updates from him, imposes more demands.. it almost becomes like she is supervising me and scrutinizing me...

When she is made to feel slightly important, she takes charge ... and quite frankly, tears me down in the eyes of my husband... tears my parents down.. my husband ends up getting confused (my mil, me and my parents are all scientists, and husband isn’t, so she uses science in a dodgy way to make him think that what we said wasn’t true)... yet she doesn’t actually discussed it to my face.. instead , everything I discuss with her become ammunition to use against me to control my husband.

Anyway forget the controlling bit. I don’t want to share more about her personality because this thread will become more about judging her as a woman than offering me advice how to handle it.

I want to be kind to her... without letting her control me. And I want to value the woman that raised my husband , without having to worry about her sabotaging me and my family’s image to my husband.

Please don’t make this thread about my husband or mil being whatnots. I feel strong enough to deal with it all... I just need a direction, from someone’s experience?

OP posts:
Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 23:06

I accept that perhaps the “way” I ask for advice or the way I respond to advice might be making them expect more than they will end up getting from it ?

Perhaps what I’m asking them for is to share their experience and stories , instead of advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 23:10

To clarify, when I said “I make it clear that her opinion doesn’t matter”, I might’ve exaggerated out of frustration.

What I meant was, if she advises me about something , I don’t entertain it, as to not give her room to pry and demand obedience.. I just politely move on to different topics , or inform her that I have control of the situation and am confident (even f I’m not)... and secretly go work it out by myself .

Partly to do with not trusting her advice either . But that’s a different thread

OP posts:
Etino · 23/06/2018 23:13
Confused Life’s too short OP
KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/06/2018 23:15

Even on this thread you're quite scary to give advice to.

Skittlesandbeer · 23/06/2018 23:15

How about this?

Find something to ask her about (maybe not emotionally-charged things like your wedding!!).

When she starts going OTT, put your hand on her arm and say

‘Doris, to be clear, I’m gathering views and information from lots of sources before I make my decision. I’m not a ditherer, I don’t need anyone to step in and decide for me, I’m just the kind of person who likes to do lots of research with people I respect. Now, you’re not going to be offended if I decide to go in a different direction are you? There’ll certainly always be other factors I have to take into account, that you wouldn’t.’

Be vague about your ‘other factors’, frankly they’re no one’s business but yours. But keep framing what’s she’s telling you as ‘what she would do’. Don’t let the pronouns change to ‘you’. Ask her follow up questions that are all about her ‘when you’ve been in this position, what did you do?’ Or ‘is this similar to when that neighbour of yours had that dilemma?’

At the end, just before you change the subject, make sure you say ‘Interesting, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll let you know what I decide. For all I know, other information will come up that changes things for me. Ah the mad whirl of modern life doncha know!’. Or somesuch.

This is a strategy I’ve run all my life with a bolshy grandma. Clever and controlling in equal measure. It works well. She’s honestly been surrounded by dimmer people for so long (97 years!) that she’s in the habit of thinking people need her to make decisions for them.

If I were you, I’d explore all the other myriad ways you can make MIL feel valued and involved without asking her advice. There are loads. If you can show true interest and proper listening skills, the job is done in 10 mins.

Ask her about her hobby or (past?) job.
Ask about her childhood, and changes she sees
Ask her about world affairs and her views
Ask her for recipes of food she’s cooked and you love
Compliment her dress sense or intellect
Ask her about her dream holiday

Etc

Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 23:16

Etino so is your answers 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 23:19

Skittles ... thanks a lot, I have read and will reread and note down your helpful advice !.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 23/06/2018 23:21
Confused

I agree with this

I don't understand this. I can't remember the last time I asked for an opinion on my choices, and if I did I can't think why I'd go on to tell others that I'd needed help making my mind up.

Original poster
YummySushi · 23/06/2018 23:27

am a bit surprised at how many people are misunderstanding my thread ... or just acting like it’s from a different planet

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread